Feeling pretty crappy. Food and eating stuff yet again. I had gained the expected half a pound this morning, which I know doesn't sound like much, but it feels horrific. And then straight after weighing myself I had to eat, because of going to dance, so that made me feel even worse about it. My head was telling me how greedy I was to be eating when I had gained weight, but I knew I couldn't dance on an empty stomach so I had to eat, and was just feeling pretty crappy about it really. I got home just before 3, and I was quite hungry, and was debating between not eating then and having an early dinner, at 6ish, or having something to eat then, and having a late dinner, at 8ish. My mum said I should have something then and that she would do dinner late, so I had a slice of bread and peanut butter. It is now 7pm, and I have already eaten my dinner. When she said it was ready it really upset me - I was supposed to have dinner late, not at quarter to 7, and although it shouldn't make any difference when I eat, it really does to me. Basically, if I haven't eaten all day then I don't mind having an early dinner, because I have enough calories left over that I can snack a little later in the evening, but when I have already eaten that day (and not just once, but twice) then I can't have dinner early, because I will still want to snack after it, because I like eating in the evening best, but I can't because I have already had too many calories, and so any snacking will lead to weight gain. I was actually really quite scared about eating dinner at that time, which just sounds ridiculous, but I know that tomorrow is going to be another day when I will have gained weight, and I just cannot cope with it. It is making me cry thinking about it. I will try not to eat anything this evening, but since I never get to sleep before 1 or 2 am, and often it is later than that, that is a lot of hours to go without food. I feel so angry with myself. Really furious. I really want to self harm. I want to purge really - that would be the most enormous relief, but I can't because both of my parents are home and they would hear, so I want to self harm instead, as I need to do something to hurt myself for being so greedy and disgusting and repulsive.
Ballet and singing were both ok. I was very, very stiff and sore at ballet, but so were most other people - there was only one girl there who hadn't been at the limbering class on Tuesday, so she was ok, but the rest of us were in quite a lot of pain! It was good to loosen it up a bit - I always think it is strange that the way of getting rid of stretching pain is basically by doing more stretching. Although I am pretty stiff again now. My singing lesson was quite good too. One of my problems with singing is much the same as with everything else - I just over think and analyse everything too much. I need to find a way of switching off my brain a bit. Not just for singing, for everything.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago