Thursday, 5 August 2010

Weight woes!

Feeling pretty crappy. Food and eating stuff yet again. I had gained the expected half a pound this morning, which I know doesn't sound like much, but it feels horrific. And then straight after weighing myself I had to eat, because of going to dance, so that made me feel even worse about it. My head was telling me how greedy I was to be eating when I had gained weight, but I knew I couldn't dance on an empty stomach so I had to eat, and was just feeling pretty crappy about it really. I got home just before 3, and I was quite hungry, and was debating between not eating then and having an early dinner, at 6ish, or having something to eat then, and having a late dinner, at 8ish. My mum said I should have something then and that she would do dinner late, so I had a slice of bread and peanut butter. It is now 7pm, and I have already eaten my dinner. When she said it was ready it really upset me - I was supposed to have dinner late, not at quarter to 7, and although it shouldn't make any difference when I eat, it really does to me. Basically, if I haven't eaten all day then I don't mind having an early dinner, because I have enough calories left over that I can snack a little later in the evening, but when I have already eaten that day (and not just once, but twice) then I can't have dinner early, because I will still want to snack after it, because I like eating in the evening best, but I can't because I have already had too many calories, and so any snacking will lead to weight gain. I was actually really quite scared about eating dinner at that time, which just sounds ridiculous, but I know that tomorrow is going to be another day when I will have gained weight, and I just cannot cope with it. It is making me cry thinking about it. I will try not to eat anything this evening, but since I never get to sleep before 1 or 2 am, and often it is later than that, that is a lot of hours to go without food. I feel so angry with myself. Really furious. I really want to self harm. I want to purge really - that would be the most enormous relief, but I can't because both of my parents are home and they would hear, so I want to self harm instead, as I need to do something to hurt myself for being so greedy and disgusting and repulsive.

Ballet and singing were both ok. I was very, very stiff and sore at ballet, but so were most other people - there was only one girl there who hadn't been at the limbering class on Tuesday, so she was ok, but the rest of us were in quite a lot of pain! It was good to loosen it up a bit - I always think it is strange that the way of getting rid of stretching pain is basically by doing more stretching. Although I am pretty stiff again now. My singing lesson was quite good too. One of my problems with singing is much the same as with everything else - I just over think and analyse everything too much. I need to find a way of switching off my brain a bit. Not just for singing, for everything.


  1. I'm sorry you were disappointed with your weight this morning. But maybe where you are is where your body wants to be, you know? I'm with you-- I wish I could control everything about my body, but I'm learning I can't. Be kind to yourself.

    Wishing you well,

  2. Unfortunately not - my 'natural' weight would be higher than this I think from past experience. I just ate more than I should have yesterday if I wanted to lose, and that is my own fault. I know I can't control everything, but most of the time I feel like I am not in control of anything, and my weight is about the only thing that I can, or should be able to, control. My eating is just so dependent on my mood - when I am doing better I am not nearly as obsessive about my weight, obviously it still bothers me, but not to the extent that it does now, when it basically fills the space in my head that suicide would if I wasn't obsessing over my weight. I know it isn't great, and it makes me feel like shit, but since I am a healthy BMI etc, it is less dangerous than the alternative would be basically. x

  3. hi could you choose to eat when you want rather than when your parents cook / eat? I would find this really restrictive.

  4. Well my mum usually cooks an evening meal for all three of us, so I usually eat in the evening at whatever time she cooks that - apart from that I eat (or don't most of the time...) when I want to. I could cook for myself in the evening, but for example if she was doing pasta, it would seem a bit daft if I then cooked my pasta an hour later or earlier. Plus to be honest, I don't have the motivation to cook, so if it was left to me to cook for myself, I probably just wouldn't - I would have a piece of bread or something if I was hungry, but I don't really see the point of cooking meals, because I don't enjoy eating them, and she knows I wouldn't bother cooking for myself, which I suspect is why she cooks for me - so that she knows I am getting one proper meal a day. If she is away or something I just don't bother cooking dinner. It sounds incredibly lazy, but the effort of cooking just isn't worth it when I don't actually want to eat in the first place, and I have so little motivation. And I think from a psychological point of view I would also find it difficult to cook for myself, because that would be taking care of my body, and I don't feel like I deserve that, whereas if my mum has cooked I feel like it would be rude not to eat it, so I eat. So I could eat when I wanted, but it would probably mean that I never really ate any proper meals.

  5. just found you and have been reading your posts. Hang tight. Sarah