I have been really stressed today. Really anxious and really stressed. I decided I didn't want to go to Cornwall at all because I was just getting too overwhelmed by it. That apparently wasn't an option though, which is fair enough, because if I was going to be left at home on my own for a week and not expected to see anyone then I would overdose - it would be too good an opportunity to miss. Not that my mum said that was why I couldn't stay here, but I suspect she guesses I wouldn't be too good on my own for that long. I tried to pack, but was getting in a bit of a state - it was all just so confusing. I managed to sort out everything I wanted to take in the end, although I will of course have forgotten something. The bikini has been left at home - the weather forecast is shit anyway, but even so a bikini is just too much (or rather too little) for me at the moment - I would feel hideously exposed. It was difficult finding enough trousers to take, since there are so few that fit me. I do actually have quite a few pairs that I can get into now, but they just feel uncomfortable and too small. They would fit ok in a few more pounds. I am exactly 2lbs heavier than my very reasonable goal weight was for going away, so I feel quite disappointed with myself. We have had a nightmare with packing. We ordered roof bars for the car, and had borrowed a roof box. We were getting worried as the roof bars didn't arrive until today, but they came, everyone breathed a sigh of relief, fixed them to the car, everything was good. Went to put the roof box on. Didn't fit. So we have had to cram everything into the car. 3 people and a very big dog, and then all of our clothes, bedding, towels, etc etc etc. The car is absolutely jam packed, and we have had to leave some non essential things behind. I insisted that the scales were essential.
It sounds ridiculous taking scales on holiday. I am aware of that. And it isn't even that I can't go a week without weighing myself, because I could - that isn't what worries me. What worries me is coming back and seeing how much I have gained and just completely freaking out and not being able to cope. Therefore I decided it would be more sensible to take them with me, so that I at least could see what my weight was doing, and could feel slightly more in control of it, and therefore hopefully avoid a complete meltdown when I get back. I am not sure how it is going to work out, but I do genuinely think that it will be better for my mental health to know what my weight is doing whilst I am away than come back to a shock that I may well not be able to deal with. I am trying to be responsible.
I am scared of the amount of food that will be around. Just the quantity of sweets my mother has bought for the car journey is obscene. She deems it absolutely essential to have an almost non stop stream of food on any journey lasting longer than about 45 minutes - she likes constant hand to mouth action going on. For the car journey we have; chocolate eclairs, toffees, wine gums, fruit gums, fruit pastilles, lemon bon bons, Fox's glacier fruits, and probably other things I have forgotten. She justifies this by saying it is for the journey back as well. There are 3 of us. 3 people. And that is an insane amount of sweets. Some of it will be eaten down there as well I suppose, but even so, it is just ridiculous. It is ok for her - she can eat a ridiculous amount of food and stay thin. I can't do that. Then of course we have lunch packed, although that is a more normal quantity of food. I will eat as few of the sweets as I can, but I find it so difficult when things are in front of me like that, and other people are eating. Then when we are down there we will eat out at least a few times, and even when we aren't eating out I will be expected to eat at least 2 meals a day, plus there will be loads of things like ice cream and scones, and all the sorts of things I love eating but that are packed full of calories. I wish I didn't care, but I do. I care enormously. And I wish I had the will power to just turn down things like that, but the majority of the time I just don't. I am finding the thought of all of that very stressful.
I am also worried about being out of my comfort zone, particularly when I am going to be so challenged with food, which will be very difficult. And I am really worried about not having any support. I won't have any internet access where I am staying. The social club in the village has internet you can pay to use, so I will do that, but I seem to think it is quite expensive, so I don't know how often I will be able to get on it, and obviously it isn't like just being able to get online whenever you want if you have to go off somewhere to use the internet. I get a lot of my support via the internet - I talk to my friends online, I email people, and of course I have this blog. Not being able to access all of that whenever I want will be difficult. And possibly even more difficult is the fact that phone reception is virtually non existant. In the village itself there is no signal at all. If you walk along the cliff path a little way you can usually get some signal, but it is not reliable. So I can't even communicate via calls and texts. I can't talk to my friends. I can't talk to L. I will be in a stressful situation, with virtually no means of getting any support from anyone, and that is scary.
My parents are not understanding. I got a bit upset earlier and my mum told me to stop being silly and that I had nothing to be stressed about. When I said that I was worried about things and wouldn't have anyone to talk to she said that I could talk to her. That seems fairly futile if her response is going to be to tell me to stop being silly. I am just feeling very anxious and stressed about it all. I am trying to think of the positives - I love Cornwall, it is the most relaxing place I know, the sea is fantastic, it is beautiful. There are lots of good things. But at the moment they feel outweighed by how tense and anxious I feel.
I need to sleep now, as we are leaving in 4 hours, at 5am. Fun fun fun. I am not sure when I will next get online, but I will keep writing and update whenever I can get online. Night night!
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago