Monday, 2 August 2010

Crap morning

I have had a crappy morning. I was seeing L at 11, and my mum arranged for my next door neighbour, who is friends with my sister, to take me into town, and then she was going to go to my sister's for a while, and then come home and bring me back with her, as she didn't want to be out for too long as one of her dogs isn't well and needs access to the garden. My sister had other plans though - my nephew was finishing an activity morning at 12, so she wanted to pick him up from that (after which my neighbour was planning to come home), then for them to go back to her house for lunch, and then take all of the children swimming. Since she is so bloody stubborn and always gets what she wants that is what happened, and therefore I had no way of getting home. If that was what my neighbour had wanted to do then I wouldn't have minded, because obviously if she wants to go swimming or whatever then that is up to her, but she had already said to me that her little girl was tired today as they had gone swimming with my sister yesterday, and that she wanted to get back for the dog, so then I was really bloody pissed off that my sister had basically bullied her into doing what she wanted. She always does it - everyone has to do what she wants all of the time, and she gets incredibly arsy if people don't go along with her plans.

So anyway, I was left in town with nothing to do. I could have gone to my sister's, but I really wasn't in the mood for that, and I didn't want to be surrounded by shouting children either. I had taken a book with me, and so I thought I would go into Costa and sit and read it, but I was too tense and anxious to go in there, as I was feeling quite stressed and it was fairly busy, so I couldn't do that, plus I knew that if I went in there I would want to eat, and I didn't want to eat. I spent a while wandering from shop to shop looking at food. For some reason I often look at food loads when I am trying to restrict - I remember years ago spending ages every day staring at chocolate bars in Woolworths when I got off the bus on my way home from college. Then I wanted to sit down but I was still too anxious to sit inside anyway, so I sat on a bench outside and sat reading my book. I did that for a while and then I was too cold to stay out there any longer, so I went into Dorothy Perkins. I was stupid and tried on some trousers. I know I shouldn't have done it - I know that trying on clothes when I am this size just upsets me, but I really am desperate for trousers, and I just hoped they might fit. Naturally they didn't, and so I felt enormous and hideous and shit about myself. Finally my mum arrived to pick me up, and now I am home, but feeling very tense and stressed.

I have 2 and a half weeks until I go away, and in that time I need to lose an absolute minimum of 5lbs. That shouldn't be too difficult, but I know what I am like, and the way I seem to take one step forward and two steps back with my weight, so I am a bit worried about it. And after trying on those trousers today I am concerned that 5lbs won't be enough, and that I still won't be able to fit into any of my clothes. Obviously this is just a short term goal, but I hoped that it would be enough to get me back into some of my normal clothes - not my smallest clothes, just my normal clothes, but I don't think it will be enough, so I am feeling quite disheartened about that. I am also a bit worried, because when I am in restricting mode I don't like eating until the evening, because I always find that if I start eating in the morning then I eat far more over the course of the day than if I don't start eating until dinner time, but tomorrow and Thursday I have a dance class in the morning, and I will have to eat before those, because even I wouldn't try and dance on an empty stomach. But I am a bit stressed about it, because that means I will eat breakfast before I go, then dancing always makes me hungry, and so I usually eat more anyway, and tomorrow it will be about lunch time when I get home, so then I will probably want lunch, and then I will have to have dinner, as that is the hardest meal for me to skip. I know that the exercising will burn off some calories, but not nearly as many as it will need to for me to eat 3 meals in a day, but I am not sure where I can cut out food. I will try not to have lunch I suppose, but when I have started eating that day I just lose all sense of self restraint and just want to eat everything. Thursday I have a singing lesson immediately after, so I am hoping that will help a little bit, but it probably won't.

My appointment with L this morning was fine. We mostly talked about food/weight/eating stuff really, since that seems to be quite a big problem for me at the moment. She laughed at me as apparently I was staring at her looking absolutely aghast when she said that 2lbs a week weight loss may not be as reasonable as I think of it as - she said that is a reasonable weight loss for someone overweight who is dieting etc, but probably not for someone of my size, and then started laughing because I looked so horrified. I still think 2lbs a week is reasonable - I have lost weight faster than that before, and I can lose more than that in a week, but to keep it steady I don't think I could aim for more than that. We talked a bit about how I found it having my friend here, and a bit about body image and Eating Disorders etc. I never think I find it triggering being around people with EDs/talking to them etc, but I am wondering if maybe I do a bit, as I am definitely finding food and eating and weight etc very hard at the moment. But then I suspect some of that is just down to having my routine disrupted, and therefore gaining weight, because of having someone staying, and I would be feeling the same whether that person had an ED or not. Plus seeing photos of myself on Facebook didn't help...


  1. Hang in there. I truly hope a beautiful morning is just around the corner for you! :)

  2. Sorry your sis put spanner in the works. I don't know about the weight loss thing. As for L I guess they were trying to be helpful and just don't want you to either be dissapointed if you don't achieve 5 pounds or to get too low a bmi. Anyways although I know eating is a problem I am glad you are no longer obsessing about suicide as much. In that staring at food and obsessing over that is less deadly in short term . (I'm notusre if that sounds right but meant well).
    LR x

  3. I'm sorry your morning wasn't great. I can understand why shopping for pants was tough-- I haven't done it in years. Here's hoping that tomorrow there is some improvement!

    Wishing you well,