Useless

I am spectacularly useless. I fucked up making buttercream. How can you fuck up mixing butter and icing sugar?? I have no idea, but I did. It has curdled. I have made buttercream enough bloody times with no problems. I think maybe the buttercream sensed my negative energy and got upset. Is that possible? Horses can tell when you are tense, maybe buttercream can too.

My mum's boss died this morning. That's sad. He was due to retire in the summer too. He wasn't even very old. Whenever I hear about someone dying I wish I could swap places with them so that they could keep living. It seems unfair that they should die when they want to live. I don't think my mum will have had a very good birthday.

I got a message today from the person doing publicity for the show saying she needed to talk to me and the male lead tonight at rehearsal, and take some photos, as she has to get a press release out by Wednesday. This is a not good thing. For a start it scares me because it makes it all seem too real. Secondly, I don't want my bloody picture taken tonight. I have to go straight from ballet to rehearsal on a Monday, and so invariably look a complete bloody mess. And yes, I am vain enough that I am bothered by that. I don't remember the last time I had the energy to put on make up or do my hair, and now I kind of have to or there will be pictures of me in the paper looking like complete shit with black rings under my eyes and little piggy eyes from tiredness and just hideous. Not that make up can redeem that, but it is good at improving things slightly. I just want to stay home and hide.

Broken

I don't know what to say. I feel broken. Everything feels wrong. The suicidal thoughts are incessant. My concentration is non existent, as is my motivation to do anything. I am constantly exhausted and yet still can't sleep properly. I don't seem to have much appetite at all, which my eating disorder is of course not minding, but it feels a bit wrong. If I have the TV or music on, even quietly, it feels like it is drilling through my head, unless I have a Diazepam first, which helps slightly. When you can't read, watch TV, listen to music, or do anything involving brain power (sometimes I do puzzle books when I can't concentrate to read, but they take more brain power than I have at the moment) I find there really aren't any distraction techniques. I come online but most of the time I seem to just stare at the screen in a daze. And then it gets too much and gives me a headache and I have to log off. I am completely alone as everyone in real life is against me. I am not entirely sure about my dad yet - he may not be, but I am not convinced. My mum is definitely completely on their side, 100%. In fact it is worse than that because she comes up with theories on everything, including me, and then presents them as though they are fact. Apparently it is like being a drug addict who needs more and more drugs, except for me it is support. Which is bollocks. When I was doing better and had weekly appointments with L I didn't have a problem with my level of support. However, when I am feeling how I am now, I do feel I need more support because it is too much to try and deal with alone. Today has been a very difficult day. Very emotional. I suppose this evening/tonight really. The suicidal thoughts have been incredibly strong and I have spent a lot of time either staring at the wall feeling completely numb, or getting upset and finding myself rocking and crying. There has been screaming at my mum for continuing to justify the shitness of mental health services and screaming at my mum because I am just in so much pain. Lots more crying. Desperate. Even now the thoughts of killing myself are incredibly strong. My eyes are stinging from all the crying. I have been very attached to my teddy bear the last two days. This is something that happened once before in a particularly bad patch. I wouldn't leave the house without him. At the moment he is being carried wherever I go, and my arm is around him as I am typing, which isn't convenient, but I suppose he is my security. I have had him since my first Christmas, and he has been virtually everywhere with me - his home has always been on my bed, and he has been on holiday with me, he went to university with me, he went into hospital with me - he has been nearly everywhere I have been. And throughout my life when I have been upset I have come to my room and cried on my bed with him. I am getting increasingly scared of leaving the house. I was trying to remember when I last went anywhere but thinking gives me a headache. I shouldn't have tried. All the days and nights have merged and I am thoroughly confused. On Monday I have to go to ballet and rehearsal and I am already feeling incredibly anxious about it. Not going isn't an option unless I am dead, but the thought of having to go out and be around people and be sociable fills me with dread, and ridiculous as it sounds, I don't want to be without my teddy. It is my mum's birthday on Monday. That means I need to pretend to be ok so I don't ruin the day for her, and I don't think I can do that at the moment. I feel like a shit daughter and that she would be better off without me. Everything feels much too much. I feel like I am going to snap really soon.

Nothing

Today has been a strange day in that nothing has happened. That wouldn't usually be strange, but given that when I saw the crisis team yesterday they told me they would be speaking to L and psychiatrist today and try and get me an appointment to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible, and then when I spoke to the crisis team woman last night she said they were going to phone first thing today (amongst other threats), I am slightly baffled that I haven't heard from anyone. They may have tried to phone the landline I suppose, but I gave them my mobile number when I was first referred to them and told them to contact me on that as I don't answer the landline (I don't like not being able to see who is calling, and nobody ever phones me on the landline, so I just end up being an answerphone on the odd occasion I do answer it), and so they have called my mobile whenever they have rung me, plus there is no answerphone on the landline, so I am assuming they haven't called, and I haven't heard anything from L either. I wasn't necessarily expecting to, as I am due to see her in the morning, but if for example the crisis team had spoken to her and decided to stop seeing me, I would have thought she would have phoned, or they would have phoned to tell me so, and if they are still seeing me then I am not sure why they haven't contacted me.

I am not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is relieved. I didn't want to speak to scary woman from last night again. And I was feeling less and less like I wanted help yesterday, and feeling increasingly that it was a mistake to tell my GP how I was feeling and get referred to the crisis team, so perhaps it is for the best. But I dislike changes to plans, and the plan was that they were going to call me this morning, so for that reason I don't like that they didn't, just as I didn't like that they didn't call yesterday but just randomly turned up. I suppose I am still slightly concerned that might happen and that they will just randomly arrive, but I think it is unlikely now that it has got to this time of day and I haven't heard from them at all. And I would certainly have a massive complaint if they did turn up and felt it appropriate to break confidentiality as threatened yesterday, after not even contacting me all day, as they are quite clearly not concerned.

I was supposed to go to ballet and rehearsal tonight but I couldn't face leaving the house. I did try to make myself, but in the end it just felt impossible. I told the director of the show that I have an upset stomach. I just couldn't even face the showering and getting dressed part, let alone leaving the house and having to be sociable. I think I would just end up having a complete melt down. I don't even want to leave the house to see L tomorrow, but I will. I am also exhausted. My sleep isn't really improving, although I have taken 10mg Diazepam the last two nights, at the suggestion of the crisis team. It was about 6am when I got to sleep, and then my sleep was quite disturbed, and I eventually stopped trying to sleep at about 12, so allowing for the time spent awake I think I got a maximum of about 5 hours. I am still feeling much the same really, although feeling less like I want help. I am not sure if that is because I am feeling worse, or because I felt intimidated by the woman last night and it has scared me. It sounds ridiculous as they are meant to help, but I found that whilst I was talking to her the suicidal thoughts were just getting more and more intense, and I was getting a lot of really graphic images in my head, which I wasn't able to shake all night, or today. I have been having quite intrusive thoughts regarding killing myself, which have been somewhat different in content to my usual thoughts. I am feeling thoroughly exhausted.

Numb

Not feeling any better. Exhausted. Went to ballet and rehearsal. Felt like shit the whole time, as predicted. Desperately just want to give up, but I am trying really hard to just keep going for the next few days. I am seeing L in the morning. Don't know how I feel about it. Usually I look forward to seeing L, but I am just feeling nothing. Kind of numb. Can't explain it. Just empty. I feel like a zombie, just getting by on auto pilot. Don't want to be here. Have had enough. Three days to go. Then I can make a decision. My brain feels jumbled. Random words and song lyrics keep popping into it. I type decision and my brain starts singing 'It's your first big decision. The choice isn't easy to make'. That's from Into The Woods. Not relevant. Brain is just linking random things. Type another word and my head shoots off in another direction. Can't think in complete sentences. Brain is just too jumpy. Can't concentrate. Can't write. Can't make my head calm down enough to extract any thoughts. Feel horrible.

Dying with clean hair

I stayed home tonight. I decided I just couldn't face going out. My mum was slightly unhelpful as I said that I was thinking of saying I was ill and couldn't go, and she said I couldn't do that because I wasn't actually ill, 'only in the head'. That helped. But I decided to ignore that. I didn't have to make an excuse for ballet, as my teacher knows that I generally won't be there on Wednesdays because of show rehearsals, so that just left the rehearsal. I sent a text to the director saying that I wasn't feeling well and so wouldn't be going to ballet, but that I would go to the rehearsal if she needed me, but that I obviously wasn't feeling great, and she replied saying not to worry. That meant that I felt ok about missing rehearsal, as I had offered to go if required, but said that I wasn't feeling well, which was pretty much the truth, and I was just hoping that she would reply in the way she did.

I am feeling shit about my weight. I gained a little this week, which I always find really difficult. Because I am feeling so terrible I am finding myself comfort eating, which is fine at the time, but not remotely comforting afterwards, as I feel extremely guilty, and then of course when I weigh myself I gain weight and feel shit about myself, which makes me feel even worse, and so the cycle goes ok. It is strange, when my depression gets really bad I either lose interest in food altogether and just don't get hungry at all, or I just want to comfort eat. Not out of hunger I suppose - I just feel like I have to do something to make me feel better, and eating cake seems like a good idea at the time. There is also a part of my brain that tells me I may as well eat what I like, as I will be dead soon, and it doesn't matter what I weigh then, whilst another part of me tells me that I must lose weight, as I can't die fat. I am assume that is somehow linked to the part of me that tells me I can't die with dirty hair.... I have no idea what that is about, but even if I am really depressed, to the point where I am really struggling to move, I have to wash my hair if I am planning to kill myself that day. You would think that would be about the least relevant thing possible, but for some reason it seems important, and I suppose dying thin is somehow related to that.

My sleep is still terrible. I seem to be permanently exhausted, and yet unable to sleep until at least 6am, regardless of what I have been doing that day, what time I woke up, and how much sleep I got the night before.

I am really finding everything very overwhelming. I am feeling so low, and then when that is combined with my dreadful sleep, and my complete inability to concentrate on anything, it makes the days feel incredibly long, and very difficult to get through. I have tried to think of reasons to live, things to keep going for, but I can't think of anything for myself. There is always the thing of not hurting others, but there is surely a limit to how many years you can be expected to go on feeling cripplingly low for the sake of other people? And I cannot think of a single reason to live for myself. Sometimes when I am feeling really bad I am able to cope by setting myself days, for example when I have an appointment or something - I suppose the hope that talking to someone might change things or help in some way helps me to get through, but I don't even have that at the moment. I am due to see L next Tuesday, but I can't see it as something to aim for, because I know it won't change anything. There is literally nothing that I can use as a motivator to keep going. I feel terrible.

Sickie?

I am supposed to be going to ballet and rehearsal tonight, but I am exhausted and feel like crap, so I am considering pulling a sickie. Ordinarily I wouldn't, but I don't think I will actually be needed very much at the rehearsal if they are doing what the schedule says, and missing ballet wouldn't be the end of the world.... I just really don't want to have to go out and be sociable. I went on Sunday and Monday and just felt hideous the whole time, and was desperate to be back at home, and just felt so horrible, and I don't know if I can cope with that again tonight. I am feeling really low. I tried calling L earlier, but she must have been doing a half day or something as they said she had left for today. I don't know what to do with myself. I just don't know how to cope with feeling this low.

A mess

I am really struggling. The rehearsal yesterday was possibly even more hideous than I anticipated. I felt like complete shit the entire time, hated every second of it, and desperately just wanted to be at home. As a result I was probably hideous to work with. And I have to do it all again tonight, except for 3 hours, and with an hour of ballet first. I am feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed by everything, the last thing I want to do is go out for 4 hours tonight, plus over an hour travelling. The suicidal thoughts are incredibly strong and powerful and I don't know how to fight them. At the moment lack of opportunity is stopping me, but I don't know how long that will apply. Although I am possibly too exhausted to do anything, I'm not sure. Certainly my brain doesn't seem able to think very clearly. I just feel a complete mess. I got more sleep last night, but am still absolutely exhausted. I also made the mistake earlier of looking in a mirror, and I do actually look as shit as I feel. My eyes have turned into these tiny little half open things, with enormous black rings underneath them, and I just look awful. Both parents have pointed out the black rings multiple times over the last couple of days, so I am definitely not imagining them or exaggerating how bad they are - I apparently look awful. When I was on my way to rehearsal yesterday my mum suggested I put some eye make up on. I asked why, and she said it might make me look a bit better as I looked exhausted, and maybe some mascara would make my eyes look like they were open. She definitely had a point, but I didn't have the energy, and I don't today either. I can't fucking cope like this. I meant to write a post over the weekend for One Month Before Heartbreak, but my brain is too jumbled to write anything to do it justice.

The mask is slipping

It is 4:30am and I am not even a little bit sleepy. My sleep seems to be getting worse and worse. This always happens - the worse I feel, the worse my sleep gets, and then I end up exhausted and feeling worse. It has been a difficult day. I have been feeling really low. Low is a ridiculous word to describe it - it doesn't even begin to express how I have been feeling. No words do. So for now I will use low, because there is nothing else. I have reached a point that only happens very occasionally, even when I am feeling really terrible, where I just can't pretend to be ok. Usually, even if I am feeling desperately suicidal and depressed, I can still keep up my facade, providing I don't have to spend too much time around people. But I can't do it at all at the moment. The mask is slipping. My parents both commented - according to my mum I looked peaky and they both asked what was wrong. But I didn't know. I don't know. I have absolutely no idea what is wrong. I just feel terrible, and I have no reason for it. So I just shrugged and tried not to cry. I thought I was going to be able to get out of going to ballet, as my mum had to go over to rescue my dad, who was at the flat he owns that is supposed to be let out but got flooded in the summer, and is just being repaired now, as he had somehow managed to lock himself out of his car with the keys on the inside, so she had to take the spare set over. I hoped this meant we wouldn't have time to have dinner and still leave for ballet on time, and I said to my mum maybe I shouldn't go, but she said she thought I should. Then later on, after dinner, I was feeling worse and worse - it was at this point that I was downstairs with my parents, and I came upstairs to get ready, but really didn't want to go, and ended up getting a bit upset and crying a bit, and went downstairs and said I wanted to stay at home and that I didn't want to go to ballet, but for some reason my mum had decided I really should go - I think she thinks that going out when I am feeling bad helps me - and so sent me back upstairs to get ready. I was really choking back the tears by this point - I felt awful, and I just did not want to leave the house. Then I got there, and nobody else from my class had turned up - I think there is a lot of illness around, and then some people have exams at the moment, and one girl had an audition, so I was the only person. The Wednesday class is always smaller - there are usually six or seven of us, but I was the only one. So I had to do the whole class on my own. It did at least mean I didn't have to make any small talk, but it also meant that I got lots of 'smile!' and 'use your eyes!' and 'perform it!' comments, which I just couldn't do today. I am so relieved that my rehearsal tomorrow has been cancelled. I absolutely cannot face leaving the house again any time soon. Now that is cancelled I don't have any committments until the rehearsal on Sunday, which I don't want to go to, but I am not even letting myself think that far ahead at the moment as it is too overwhelming - I am trying to just take things a day at a time. Or an hour.

I am thinking about emailing L, but I don't really know why. I don't know what I would say - I can't really send her an email saying 'Hi, just thought I would let you know I am feeling a bit down, which of course you already know' and I have nothing else to say. I can't express this. And even if I could, there is nothing she could do, so it would be pointless anyway. I suppose I just wish there was something. I am feeling really desperate, and I don't know what to do with those feelings, and it is really difficult knowing that there is nothing anyone can do to help, or to make them go away. I suppose the other reason I have been thinking about contacting her is because I have been under mental health services for so many years, and always been told to contact someone if you are having suicidal thoughts, and so when I feel like this it feels like I should be contacting her. But there is absolutely nothing she can do, and so I don't know if it would just make me feel worse - I suppose at least at the moment I can kid myself that I have an option there if I need it. When you have run out of options it is even worse. Although I know in reality that I am essentially out of options in that sense - nobody can take the thoughts away, or make them easier to cope with. I don't know. I just feel a mess.

Is hibernation an option?

I am having one of those days where I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear. I feel like shit and I don't want to have to see anyone or go anywhere ever again. I am supposed to go to a ballet class tonight, which is more or less the last thing I feel like doing. Actually anything thing involves leaving my bedroom and/or seeing people is. I could skip the class, but my teacher is already pissed off with me, because the show I am doing has meant that I can only do one ballet class a week usually instead of two, and she is not at all happy about that. This week is the only week in the foreseeable future (I don't want to foresee a fucking future) where I can make both classes, and that is because at the rehearsal tonight they are rehearsing a chorus number that I am not in. So I told her on Monday that I could make the class tonight, and got a lecture on why did I audition for a show that would mean I couldn't do both classes every week. But since I am already unpopular for that, I don't feel able to not go tonight when I have already said I would be able to go because I don't have a rehearsal. But I really don't want to go at all. And then the director of the show rung and said she wants to rehearse for three hours on Sunday, probably somewhere that is a 36 mile drive from where I live. Fantastic. I feel really fucking overwhelmed at the moment. I do not want to leave the house. I don't want to go to ballet tonight. I don't want to go to rehearsal on Sunday. I don't want anything. I just don't want to exist.

I am also really bloody pissed off with Sony. It has been established that it is a hardware problem, and therefore needs repairing. My warranty only covers collect and repair, which means being without my new laptop for 5 - 10 working days, so 1 - 2 weeks. I think that is completely unacceptable and want them to send out a technician - I don't give a flying fuck what my warranty is - their product had a serious fault within 2 days of me receiving it and that is not acceptable. It is not difficult to replace a touchpad - it would take them about 15 minutes I should think. So I am fighting that one, but having trouble getting hold of anyone who actually has any bloody authority. I have been told someone will call me back, but I am not holding my breath.

I feel so shit. I am having one of those days where I feel like smiling would hurt - it is too painful. I don't even feel capable of putting up my usual facade. I just want to curl up and die. Or hibernate. I don't care as long as it stops me feeling like this. Instead I have to pretend everything is ok and go off to a ballet class.

Not better

Today wasn't really any better. I did get more sleep, although still not the 10 hours I would really like to get one day, but I still felt really shit and tired all day, which makes me think it is probably more a depression thing than just a sleep thing. No great surprise. I just want out, I have had enough. I am seeing L on Tuesday. I won't do anything before then. I just don't want to be alive though. And I don't think I should have to be when I feel so awful so much of the time. I can't keep living for other people - it just makes me resent them and so I am moody and snappy and irritable and just not a nice person to be around. I have obviously had suicidal thoughts for years, but for quite a few months now I have been convinced it is the right decision, even when my mood hasn't been at rock bottom. It seems like a rational decision.

I start back at ballet tomorrow for the first time since before Christmas. Usually I have to go to rehearsals Monday night following ballet, but I am not needed at rehearsal tomorrow or Wednesday, as they are working on a number I am not in. That is a massive relief. I shouldn't feel like that - I should enjoy going to rehearsals. I am supposed to be performing because I enjoy it, nobody makes me do it. But when I see a rehearsal on the schedule that I am not called for I just feel such a sense of relief. I think when I am feeling bad it just takes too much energy from me - ballet is difficult in that I have to a) get dressed, b) leave the house, c) see people, and d) be energetic, but at least there isn't too much chance for socialising at ballet - 5 or 10 minutes before class starts whilst I am getting ready, 5 minutes in the middle of the class whilst we are stretching, and 5 minutes whilst I am getting changed after, and that is about it apart from a few words now and then. That feels more manageable than a 2 and a half hour rehearsal, for obvious reasons really.

I think I will take Diazepam/Zopiclone again tonight. I took 2 Diazepam last night, rather than the 1 I usually take, and then 1 Zopiclone about half an hour later, and that seemed to make me sleep, although I did have the horrible Zopiclone taste in my mouth when I woke up. I still had 2 Zopiclone left from my last prescription of it, so I could do the same tonight without having to start on my new prescription. I could sleep without it, but I did manage to sleep an hour or 2 earlier last night than other recent nights I think, so maybe it is a good idea. If I took it now hopefully I could be asleep about 3:30/4, which whilst not exactly impressive, is definitely better than 6. I suppose it is anyway. I have to say I don't really understand why it matters that much what time you go to sleep and wake up, but everyone else seems to think it is important so I suppose it must be.

Appointment and my sister

The cold and sore throat are getting worse - just what I didn't want! Woke up feeling very croaky, and have had a streaming nose all day. Also had a splitting headache, I think as a result of congestion. Distinctly unimpressed with this situation. I am just hoping that as it is only Tuesday it will all have cleared up and I will be absolutely fine by the weekend. I don't want to make an idiot out of myself in front of lots of people. Must steam every day. Didn't today - that was naughty. I don't really like doing it, so I tend to put it off, but I think it helps so I must. Ditto the nasty throat lozenges. I have a show rehearsal tomorrow but I am planning to tell them that I can't sing. Which means it is pretty pointless me going really as it is primarily a singing rehearsal, but never mind. It looks better to turn up, even if I can't sing. And I have to be in town anyway because I have ballet as well. It is another one of those crazy nights where I am supposed to be two places at once. In fact, that is every Wednesday from now on. I always have ballet from 7:30 until 8:30, but I now also have rehearsals from now until March from 7:30 until 10. Since I sadly don't have a time turner a la Harry Potter stylee, this means missing one, and since I am the lead in the show, it is going to be rare that I can get out of rehearsal. I am going to have to tell my ballet teacher that I will only be able to do Monday classes after Christmas until the end of March, which she will not be impressed about, as I was supposed to be doing an exam at Easter. But there is nothing I can do about it. I will go to ballet when I can on a Wednesday, but I don't think that will be very often - strangely enough production teams tend to like their leading ladies to be at rehearsals. I also have an appointment with my GP tomorrow, just to make things even trickier time wise. I have no idea why I booked it for a Wednesday - that was a very daft idea.

Speaking of Harry Potter, I went to see the new film this evening with my mum. It was good. Better than the other films. Although there is a possibility I just think that because I have read Deathly Hallows less times than the other books, and therefore didn't notice any changes as much, but I did think it was better than the other films. I think splitting it into two was a good move - the film of Half Blood Prince was crazy, because you just cannot fit a 600 page book into a 2 and a half hour film and expect it to work. If I hadn't read the book I think I would have been utterly confused throughout that film. At one point tonight I had to really fight back the tears - they were in my eyes, but I knew that if I started crying it would be completely uncontrollable sobbing, in the way that it was when I watched Charlotte's Web a couple of months ago, and I kind of wanted to avoid hysterics in the cinema. Why is it that people dying in films doesn't upset me, but animals or creatures of some description dying can make me inconsolable? That seems to be the wrong way round really....

I saw L earlier. It went ok. I think we had cleared up quite a lot of things already via email, so it didn't really feel awkward. We talked a bit about what had happened, although we didn't dwell on it too much, as I think that would have been fairly pointless. I think the basic conclusion was that yes, she did let me down somewhat, as she didn't react in the way that she ordinarily would, but I know there were reasons behind it, and I can understand why she wasn't available for me in the usual way under the circumstances. And I think it is actually quite important for me to realise that a) nobody is perfect, and people always will let me down, however much I think of them and rely on them, and b) that relationships can be repaired - even if you are really upset about something and have been really hurt, that doesn't necessarily mean that it needs to be the end of that relationship. You can work through things. I suppose it has kind of been a lesson in black and white thinking - people aren't either amazing or useless with nothing in between, and one thing going wrong doesn't have to signify the end of an entire relationship. And I think they are important things to try and remember. Not that I will remember them of course - the next time someone lets me down I will be distraught and never want to speak to them again. But hopefully over time I can learn.

My sister is unrelenting in her hatred for me. She really is very immature. Obviously there was the deleting me from Facebook incident. She hasn't been to our house since it all happened, apart from when I haven't been here. She hasn't phoned the house - she has only phoned my mum on her mobile. Then she blanked me when I did see her the other day. Then today I sent her a text saying 'What would the boys like for Christmas? Is there anything in particular that they want/need?' and got a reply saying 'No thankyou. Don't bother.' I replied saying 'Well I will obviously bother. I just wondered if they wanted anything in particular' but I didn't get a reply to that. And this is all because I found it too much to look after my nephew an afternoon a week. Whilst I can see that inconvenienced her, I still don't feel like I was being unreasonable, and I did do it for half a term, with only two days warning at the start - it wasn't like it was something I had offered or been asked to do in advance, and had agreed to. It was thrust upon me at the last minute when other arrangements didn't work out, and I was never once asked if I was ok with doing it - it was just expected that I would because he was my nephew. I do love my nephews, but at the same time I don't really like children much, and I find being around them for too long difficult, and I find having responsibility for them very hard. I can do it when I am not feeling too bad, but when I am not doing well it is well beyond me. I have repeatedly said that I wouldn't mind doing it occasionally if there were problems with the usual arrangements, but that I just cannot commit to doing it every week. Last week for example, I was in a complete and utter state on Thursday - I was feeling very suicidal, I had cancelled my appointment with L and was then regretting it immensely, I felt ill from taking too many tablets overnight on Wednesday, I was crying uncontrollably, and I was just a complete mess. There is no way I was in a fit state to look after a 5 year old boy. And that happens sometimes. And what am I supposed to do if he gets dropped off here and I am in that position? I could not look after him. I wouldn't feel safe being in charge of him. I wouldn't want him left with anyone who was in the kind of place emotionally that I was last week - I would absolutely not leave him with someone who I didn't think was in a fit state to look after him, and it is no different if it is me looking after him. It would have been irresponsible of me to try and look after an energetic 5 year old boy when I was feeling like that. I do get quite out of control when I am that distressed, and I wouldn't have been able to cover it up, and he shouldn't have to go through that. But that is besides the point really. I just think my sister should be mature enough to accept that I don't feel able to commit to looking after him every week and move on from that - not hold a grudge like this and refuse to speak to me.

Hectic evening

So I woke up today with a sore throat and a bit of a cold, which was absolutely the last thing I wanted, given that I am singing in a concert in 6 days. I am just hoping that getting it now means that it will be gone by then.... The cold is less of an issue - lots of steam can deal with that to a reasonable extent, but the sore throat is a problem.

Hectic evening was hectic as predicted. Ended up leaving slightly later than intended, which put me in a rush before the proper chaos even begun. Then had ballet for an hour, which was fine. Then had to quickly change and get across town to the band call. The band call was part good, part scary. I arrived to hear them mid way through Stars, being played beautifully by a 25 piece orchestra, and being sung fantastically. Which kind of freaked me out to be honest. He was too good! I believe he has been in Les Miserables in the West End production, which explains it I suppose, but singing in the same concert as such talented people is slightly intimidating - there are quite a few professionals, including him, a girl who trained classically at Guildhall and was incredible before she went there for 4 years - I've not heard her since and so can only imagine how good she is going to be. And then several other recent drama school/music school graduates. And that is without even mentioning the headline act, who is a big star in theatre. I just hope I can give a good performance. My song at the band call was hard work. For a start my voice wasn't feeling too happy - I was ok when I was in chest voice and belting, but my head voice felt very out. Luckily there are only about 2 notes in the whole song that I sing in head voice, but one of them is a sustained note, and it would be really nice if my voice didn't crack half way through it. It is the hardest song in the concert as far as the band are concerned - it is complicated scoring, and they have to vamp quite a lot whilst I am doing the speaking bits of the song and then it is difficult to get the timing right for when they come back in properly, and when I start singing in relation to that - it isn't like they know exactly what they are going to be playing in the way that they will with every other song. So it started off fairly terribly, but after a bit of work it did sound better. But not better enough that I am happy knowing I only have 1 more run through with them, and that is the day of the concert. I will just have to hope it all goes ok and trust in the MD - she is bloody brilliant, so hopefully she will get it all going smoothly..... I then had to dash off to rehearsal for the show - 45 minutes late, but I had warned them I was going to be late as I had to go straight from the band call, and I don't think I had missed anything much - I think they had just gone over a couple of chorus numbers, and I am not in many of the chorus numbers anyway. When I got there we did the big chorus number that I lead, and they then went onto another chorus number, but I stopped singing as my voice was really starting to feel unhappy and there was no point trying to push it. Then we danced for a while. And then I came home. I am pretty exhausted - I was out for over 5 and a half hours, and I was either singing or dancing for the vast majority of that time, and around people and therefore having to pretend to be happy for the entire time.

It was snowing heavily on the way home - that is the first snow we have had really. I think there was a tiny bit on Saturday or yesterday, but nothing worth mentioning. And it was snowing lightly on the way up there, but nothing like as heavily as it was on the way back home. I think it is meant to snow more overnight, and again tomorrow, but I've not actually looked out of the window since I got home.

I should try and get to sleep now. I have to get up to go and see L in 7 hours. I hope that it goes ok. I think I am going to see Harry Potter tomorrow evening with my mum, although that isn't definite. I could really do with a quiet day, but it doesn't look like I am going to get one this week - things are fairly full on for the next week or so.

Getting by

Today was worse than yesterday, but it wasn't horrific. I slept until a ridiculous time - I didn't only sleep the morning, I slept half of the afternoon as well. I could hear my brother and his wife here when I woke up, but I didn't go downstairs. Partly because I couldn't really be bothered, and partly because they are all ill, and the last thing I need right now is a cold or sore throat. I went and had a shower and washed my hair, and popped downstairs very briefly to grab a diet coke - wanted to stay down there as it was much warmer than my bedroom, but I didn't want their germs, and came back upstairs. I was finding it harder to concentrate on things today, so it was harder to distract myself from the thoughts, but my head was quieter than it had been last week, so it was primarily about trying to distract myself from thoughts, rather than noise as well, which is easier. I am not really sure what I did. I watched a bit of crap TV. Apart from that I don't really know. After my brother and family had left I went downstairs because it was warmer, and watched X Factor. And since then I don't really know what I have been doing. I think my mind is drifting quite a lot. Dissociating I suppose.

Tomorrow is ridiculously busy. Nothing in the day - the day time is fine. Which is lucky as I will need to sleep a reasonable amount of it. But then I have to leave for ballet about 5. I then have ballet from 5:45 - 6:45. At 7 I have a band call for the concert I am doing on Sunday. As soon as I can get away from that, I have to go to a rehearsal for the show I am doing, which starts at 7:30, but I will get there later than that because of the band call. That then goes on until 10, and I will get home about half 10, maybe a bit later. It is all a bit hectic, and I don't know when I am going to get a chance to warm up, because of being in ballet immediately before having to go and sing. I suppose I will have to warm up (vocally) before ballet and then do a quick 5 minute top up on my way from ballet to the band call. It is rather unfortunately they are all so on top of each other, but there is nothing I can do about it.

I am trying really hard to stop myself from focusing on the negatives and the suicidal thoughts, and to just blank them the best that I can. November is nearly over, and although it sounds odd, that makes it slightly easier to shut out the suicidal thoughts. As I have said before, one of my 'rules' around suicide is that it can't be in the lead up to something big like Christmas/someone's Birthday, because although whenever you kill yourself it will be hard for people, I always think it must be particularly hard if it is at a time when there is an expectation of being happy. So basically I need to stop considering suicide an option until after Christmas. Which is far, far easier said than done, and I don't know if I can do it, but I have to try. It is particularly hard because Christmas and New Year are such difficult times for me, and there is nothing I would like more than not to have to go through them. But I think Christmas must be about the worst time of the year to lose someone. Everyone is happy (or pretending to be) and excited, and there is just a buzz around, and there is just this expectation that everyone will enjoy themselves, and have a good time, and having that as an anniversary of someone dying must be really tough. I am actually more worried about Christmas then New Year I think. Christmas is hard because of all the food and all the people, and the pressure to be happy, but New Year is far worse, because it reminds me of everything that I haven't achieved, and what a failure I am, and how I have let yet another year pass by without accomplishing anything, and that really does make me feel intensely suicidal. I have refused to celebrate New Year for years now - I see nothing to celebrate, and it is always an incredibly difficult night, where I end up crying hysterically, and desperately wanting to die. Even thinking about it makes me feel really suicidal. I still wish that I had killed myself last week so that I didn't have to face Christmas or New Year. Or life generally.

I am unsure about the best way of getting through this. I don't know if I need to try and get myself excited about Christmas (tough to do) and just throw myself into it and just turn into Little Miss Festive (yeah.... even saying that makes me think the chances of that are slim to none) or find some other way of getting by. And I still have to get my Christmas shopping done, and write my cards, and all of the other things that are synonymous with Christmas. I am slightly unsure what will be happening about Christmas, given that my sister isn't speaking to me, and we usually spend time with her. I am slightly concerned that will end up being a big problem that will upset my mum, and that I will end up being blamed for, which will make me feel terrible etc, but I am not sure what I can do about it. I am still not going to apologise, as I still don't think I did anything wrong in not wanting to look after my nephew every Thursday, having done it for half a term. But it is a slightly awkward situation. Thinking about things like this make me think again how much better off my family would be without me. How much simpler things would be for them. And thinking about that seems like more justification that suicide is the right thing to do, despite the time of year. The sad thing is, I don't think my sister would even care at the moment. I wish making the suicidal thoughts go away was as simple as deciding not to have them, or not to consider acting on them an option, like I am trying to, but there is so much more to it than that. The thoughts don't go just because I want them to, or try to make them. They are there, and they are strong. Even if they aren't supposed to be because of the time of year. They don't take any notice of the time of year - it means nothing to them. And in some ways, Christmas and New Year make them more intense. I wish there was an answer of how to get through this - how to cope, but there isn't. I just have to try and get by. And either I make it or I don't.

Suicidal thoughts

I am still feeling shit. When I weighed tonight it was exactly the same as last night, which means my weight will be pretty much the same tomorrow as it was today, which is a pound higher than yesterday as predicted.

The suicidal thoughts are strong. I am feeling quite angry and upset because as I mentioned, I did have a plan formulating in my head, which was going to happen Sunday night/Monday, but my mum has had to switch her morning off next week to Monday instead of Tuesday, so that isn't going to work. And that made me feel really hopeless. It is just one of those things I guess, but I don't like it when I have to change something that was worked out in my head. I feel like there should be something that would make me want to stay alive, but there isn't. It all seems utterly pointless. But for now I just have to keep pretending everything is ok. Put on a happy face. There's a song called Put On A Happy Face in Bye Bye Birdie. I am trying to carry on with life as I would be if I wasn't feeling like this. Maybe it will distract me a bit. Tonight I went to ballet and then went and did an audition. Kind of funny really. I have no intention whatsoever of being alive when the show is on, but I had said last week that I was going to audition, and so didn't want to raise suspicions by not going.

I just don’t want to be here. At all. I’ve had enough. Of everything. I can’t cope with feeling like this, and I can’t imagine things ever changing. 7 years now, and I am no better at all. In fact in many ways I am worse. Maybe things would get better one day, although I’ve no idea how, but I see no point whatsoever in waiting around for that time to come. If it ever would, which I do seriously doubt. I just need everything to stop now. I can’t think properly. My brain feels like it has been replaced by cotton wool. I feel so incredibly flat. I don’t think there is anything at all that could make me feel happy or excited. I should already be excited – in 3 and a half weeks I am due to sing in a concert that is really quite a big deal - certainly the biggest thing I've ever done. Someone asked me the other day if I was excited or nervous about it, and I just thought I don’t actually feel anything at all. Nothing. Which ironically is the song I am supposed to be singing. ‘And I said “Nothing. I’m feeling nothing”’ is one of the lines in the song. And I’m not. Although I didn't tell them that. If I had been told 6 months ago that I would have this opportunity it would have meant the world to me. And now I can’t even face staying alive long enough to do it. Which is kind of sad really. It should be something worth staying alive for, even if I was going to kill myself after. But I just don’t care about anything right now. All I know is I feel awful, nothing matters to me, and I want to make life stop.

I spoke to L earlier. Not for long. I emailed her last night after my freak out asking if she could call me if she got time today, and she did, but she wasn't able to talk for very long. But she has said she will call again tomorrow. At 1. I am very lucky to have such a supportive CPN. I would never have lasted this long without her. I will talk to her again tomorrow. I know she won't be able to take the feelings away, but it does help to talk to her. And she is the only person that I can be completely honest with, about everything. I have never trusted anyone to the extent I do her - I do feel that I can tell her pretty much anything and everything. So I will talk to her about how I am feeling. Maybe it will help a bit.

Validation and invalidation

It was so bloody cold today. I woke up and was freezing, even whilst I was still in bed. I put the heating on but I never really warmed up. Then I had to go off to ballet, and I did warm up a little whilst I was dancing, but then I went to a sing through for one of the musicals I have been considering auditioning for, and it was absolutely freezing there - it was barely any warmer than outside, and so I spent the entire 2 and a half hours with icy cold hands, and that was with leaving my coat on! I am in bed now in my pyjamas and bed socks and dressing gown, with a hot water bottle, and underneath a duvet and blanket, but I am still quite cold. I hate having such awful circulation! Tomorrow I don't have to leave the house at all, which is going to be really nice, as it looks like it will be freezing again. I usually see L Tuesday morning, but this week she is doing a home visit in the afternoon, which is good for two reasons - firstly I get to sleep in, and secondly I don't have to go out in the cold and wet!

I am still really shitty, and struggling with everything. My weight has stayed fairly stable over the last few days, after a period of losing. It has gone down slightly, but not much. But I did lose 2lbs between last Monday and this Monday, and another 2 the week before. I have no idea where they went from though, as I don't seem to be any smaller at all. My waist may be slightly smaller, but my hips and thighs are typically not budging. I really need the numbers to start going down again, and I am terrified that I will have gained tomorrow. I ate more today than I wanted to, or feel that I should have. My dinner had about 150kcals more in than I thought it had (as I looked up the figure online a little while ago), and I had some other things I shouldn't have had. The frustrating thing is that dinner was so long ago that I am already feeling hungry - I had to eat sooner after half 4, as I was out from 5 until half 10, whereas I usually eat about 7, and despite normally eating far fewer calories than I had today, I don't usually get hungry again. So I am feeling quite frustrated. I suppose I did dance for an hour, so that will have had to burn some calories, but I am worried it won't be enough. I am going to go and weigh myself in a moment to check my middle of the night weight, so that I am not too horrified when I weigh myself tomorrow, but I am already petrified that it is going to be a number that means I will have gained weight, and I don't know what I will do if it is. Mood wise I am still struggling a lot. I am thinking a lot about suicide, and when I could do it. I think I have it worked out when I could do it. It isn't any time this week, so I suppose I will have to see how things go over the next few days, but I am just finding everything so hard, and I keep thinking that if I don't do it really soon, then it will be January before I could do anything due to my rules on suicide, and the thought of living until January is really, really scary.

I spoke to my friend A via text earlier. She said she is still feeling bad. She saw her social worker earlier, who suggested admission, but she said she would rather stay at home, so she is being seen daily by the crisis team, hospital is remaining an option, and she is seeing her social worker again in a couple of days. I spent some time wondering why the treatment that she, and other people, gets bothers me, and what it is that makes me jealous about it. I know from experience that hospital is crap - that it isn't therapeutic, and isn't a nice environment to be in, and yet I still feel envious that she is always given that as an option. And I think there are two reasons. Firstly, I think it is just about having the chance to have that complete break and not having to be responsible for anything or take care of yourself when you are really struggling. I find it so hard to keep going on my own sometimes when I feel really awful, and even though I know hospital would be shit in many ways, and achieve absolutely nothing in the long term, it would be a break in the short term, and when things are so bad that I can only think in the very short term (and mostly because I don't feel that there will be a long term as the suicidal thoughts get so strong) that seems like a reasonable option. And then I think the other thing is to do with validation. If you are feeling really dreadful, and you are offered more support, in whatever form - whether it be more appointments, or being seen by the crisis team, or hospital - it is validation of how you are feeling. Obviously people can say they know that you are feeling really bad etc, but I actually never feel like that means much when I am at my worst. Although I know rationally that options are very limited, when I am feeling that bad it just feels like if people really believed that I was feeling as desperate and suicidal as I was saying I was, then surely they would try to do something. I suppose it can feel quite invalidating to say that you feel suicidal and are planning to kill yourself and for no further support to be offered, as it then feels like people either don't believe what you are saying, which is why they aren't arranging more support, or that they don't really care whether you kill yourself or not. Whilst logically I am aware that it doesn't necessarily mean that, that is how it feels, and I think that is why I get quite jealous of other people when they are offered a lot of help when they are feeling bad. Whether the help is actually helpful or not is almost irrelevant - I think that just the offer or arrangement of it makes it seem like people have listened to what you have said, taken you seriously, and are giving you support to stay safe. I am not sure if that sounds attention seeking. Maybe it does, but it isn't supposed to. I would never say that I was planning to kill myself or didn't think that I could keep myself safe unless I was genuinely thinking that, and very strongly. I am not referring to the general discussion or mention of suicidal thoughts, as that is often a different matter - I just mean when things really are at rock bottom and I have planned when and how I am going to kill myself, or I am feeling so desperate and unsafe that I might act on impulse. As demonstrated by recent events, I am unlikely to receive much support or validation from my family at these times, which is why I rarely talk about how I am feeling with them, and so I suppose I primarily look to professionals for validation of my feelings, and whilst I do feel like I get that the majority of the time from L, I do find it incredibly difficult when I feel like I am in crisis, and that is why I feel envious of other people getting more help than I do in similar circumstances. I do understand the rationale behind decisions like that (for eg hospital is shit and doesn't actually help at all long, or even medium term) feelings and emotions don't generally follow reason, however much you try to force them to. And I think I needed to work out what it was that caused those feelings of hurt and jealousy when friends receive help, as it tends to make me feel guilty for being jealous when they are obviously having such a difficult time, but I do think it is a combination of just being desperate for a break when things get that bad, and needing to feel validated. And I am not sure what the answer is, or even if there is one, but at least now I think I know where the thoughts stem from.

Not a great day....

I am not feeling that great. I had my appointment with L this morning, but it didn't help as much as normal. Usually I email her what I have written during the week, mostly the same as I write on here, but there are some bits I don't usually send, for example if I have written about what we talked about in an appointment I obviously don't bother emailing that, and there are some things I send her that don't come on the blog, but about 90% of it is the same. Anyway, then she usually reads that before she sees me, and then some of what I have written about she picks out to talk about, and will ask me about certain things. We talk about other things as well, but we usually at least start based on some of what I have written. I find it works quite well, as I don't have to try and remember what has happened in the last week, and she already knows what is going on so I don't have to start from scratch with explaining things etc. Obviously I then go into more detail about what I am feeling/thinking, but it is so much easier than just walking into a room and someone saying 'So how are you? How has your week been?' etc.

Anyway, today it started slightly wrong because she was running late - not that much, only about 15 minutes, but she is never normally late, so I was starting to get a bit twitchy. Then I saw her come out with her patient before me, which has never happened before, and immediately take me in, and although that shouldn't bother me, because obviously she has lots of other patients, but it was just a bit weird. And then because she was running late she took me straight in, and so I just felt a bit weird about it all. I don't know. And then she said she was sorry but she hadn't had time to read what I had written, as she had been caught up in a complicated case all morning. That is fair enough - I know she is often very busy, but it was a shame it was this week, as I think maybe I could have done with talking about the suicidal thoughts and what was going on with them. Of course I could have talked about them anyway, but I didn't really what to say. 'I am feeling suicidal but I don't think I am going to kill myself, but knowing that if I don't kill myself in the next few weeks I will have to live for for the next two months, and that feels like too much, so I want to kill myself now' seemed a little random and complicated, so I just didn't mention it. And there are some other things that I touched on in my writing, that I thought when I wrote 'Oh I should talk about this with L', but I couldn't remember what they were or anything, so I obviously didn't talk about them. And then often my appointments run longer - they are usually anything between an hour and an hour and a half, but L had to finish fairly promptly as she had a meeting to go to, so actually I think I was only with her about 50 minutes, which I do realise is a standard therapy hour, but it isn't standard for my sessions. So overall although it was fine, but it didn't help me as much as it often does. So yes, I am just not really feeling that great.

I am quite tired. I didn't get enough sleep last night really. It wasn't actually that few hours, but I really do need a decent amount to not feel like a zombie, and then I obviously had to get up this morning to see L, so I think I only got about 6 hours, which isn't enough for me. I was going to nap this afternoon, but I decided to stay awake in the hope I would sleep better tonight. That never does seem to work, but I feel like it should! Other things going on - my weight had gone back down yesterday, and stayed the same today. I am really hoping I can get it down a bit more tomorrow. I just want it to keep going down, even if it isn't fast. I didn't go to ballet last night. I just didn't really feel up to it. I wasn't in the mood. But then I felt guilty because I had eaten what I usually eat before I dance on Monday, and so I stressed a bit about not burning off the calories etc. I suppose in the end it was ok because I maintained my weight, but maybe I would have lost if I had gone to ballet... I did go to the sing through. It was ok. I still don't know what I want to do about it, but I thought I may as well go to the sing throughs to keep my options open. I have another one tonight. Then ballet tomorrow. Which I must go to. Blah. I just don't feel like leaving the house at the moment at all.

I think I might have a cyst or a tumour. I know that sounds a little melodramatic, but I do. I have had a lump on my face, literally just below my ear, for quite a while now. I can't remember when I first noticed it. It was definitely within the last year, but it might have been more recent than that. Maybe only a few months ago. I don't know. My memory is atrocious. I did mean to mention it to my GP last time I saw her, but I forgot. Anyway, last night I decided to google it, as you do. I wasn't quite sure what to search, so I started typing 'lump face' and google's first suggestion was 'near ear', which I thought was quite interesting, as it means it must be quite common, so I searched for that. It came up with lots of information about tumours on the salivary glands, mostly the parotid gland, and in pictures that looks like exactly the right place, although all the ones in the pictures are big and mine isn't. It is only very tiny, not even as big as a pea, and it doesn't hurt at all, but I suppose I should probably get it checked out. I have an appointment with my GP on Friday, so I will mention it then. I perhaps won't mention I have diagnosed myself with a paratid tumour with the help of Dr Google, as I think Doctors prefer you to allow them to do their job themselves.

A friend of mine took an overdose this afternoon. It is my friend A. She came online and talked to me and said she was really sorry and that I was going to be angry with her, and I said I wouldn't be angry, but asked what she had done, and she said taken too many Paracetamol, so I asked how many, and she said 32 and a few Zopiclone. She said she was feeling really bad and she had done it before she had even really thought about it. She doesn't live anywhere near me, so there wasn't much I could do, but I asked her for the phone number for her housing support worker, which she gave me, so I called her, and she got an ambulance round there for her, so she is at the hospital now. I wish she could have talked to me before rather than after, but I am glad she told me and that she is being treated. I am not angry obviously. I am just concerned. And part of me wishes it was me, although I wouldn't have told anyone. It sounds awful, but when I was looking up the lump on my face last night I thought maybe it would be cancer and if I didn't have treatment it would kill me, and then I wouldn't have to kill myself. And then I hated myself for thinking that. So many people are so desperate to live, and sometimes I just feel evil for even thinking about wanting to die and suicide.

Overall it hasn't really been a great day...

Commitment

I am not feeling good. I had gained weight today, as predicted. And as predicted, it made me feel terrible. I tried not to eat too much today. I did have quite a big dinner, but I didn't eat anything else, apart from a few sweets that my friend brought over. I ate too much to have lost any weight, but I am just hoping I won't have gained either, although I am feeling quite full and heavy at the moment, so I may have. I will go and weigh myself in a little while and see what is going on.

I didn't really do much today. My friend arrived about half 12, and we watched the Oklahoma DVD with Hugh Jackman (so sexy!) and just chatted. And then she stayed for dinner, and then left at about 8. I then watched the X Factor results (boring) and Downton Abbey. I love Downton Abbey. Period dramas are great. I got annoyed because my mum made a cake, but it was a fruit cake and I don't even like fruit cakes. And I don't even know who will eat the bloody fruit cake - originally she had said she wanted to make a chocolate cake, as she got a recipe for a good one from my old next door neighbour, and said she would make a fruit cake as well because my dad likes fruit cake. I said having 2 cakes at once seemed pretty excessive, and also somewhat strange since the last cake she made was in July, and that I didn't want to end up eating most of the chocolate cake myself, as she would also be eating the fruit cake. So she just made a fruit cake, but my dad isn't even that keen on cake - fruit cake is his favourite, but he can take or leave cake really, so he won't eat much of it, I won't eat any of it as I refuse to eat fruit cake on principle (it doesn't have icing, and is therefore an inferior cake, and although I don't dislike it, it feels like a big waste of calories eating something I am not bothered about), and so that pretty much just leaves my mum. And she prefers chocolate cake really. I don't know why she didn't just make the chocolate cake. So I was pissed off about the lack of cake, despite me saying it was a silly idea to make 2, as I didn't want to eat an entire chocolate cake. I am so awkward really. It is probably for the best really, or I would have had a piece every day until it went, and that wouldn't have done my weight loss plans any favours, and I would also have purged it sometimes, as I tend to do that. But I still would have liked a piece of cake. Or a cupcake. Just not stupid fruit cake. I could of course make one myself, but then we would have the 2 cakes in the house situation that I wanted to avoid. I don't need cake.

I think I have been struggling more again this week. I generally notice concentration first. My normal judge of concentration is my ability to read - when my concentration isn't too bad, which is when my mood is better, I probably read a book in 2 or 3 days on average. I have been reading the same book for a week now, and it isn't a particularly long book (shorter than my average book) and I am only half way through. There is a possibility that I just don't like the book and so can't be bothered to read it, but I have noticed other signs of my mood slipping - increased obsessiveness with my weight (that happens in the period between doing slightly better, when I do focus on my weight, but not to this extent, and feeling too terrible to give a shit about what I weigh, which is when there is probably genuine cause for concern about my safety), a genuine decrease in hunger (although I continue to stuff myself most days, but normally end up feeling sick as I wasn't hungry in the first place), not bothering about what I look like at all and living in the same clothes every day, on the rare occasions I manage to get out of my pyjamas, increased suicidal thoughts, and a complete inability to cry, even when I am feeling really terrible or upset. I think that is all for now. I guess I will just have to keep an eye on things and see what happens. Although to be honest that is fairly pointless, as even if things plummeted to the point where I knew I was going to kill myself the following day, there wouldn't really be a lot I could do about it. But it seems like a good idea to know if my mood is on the way down or up, and to what extent, even if I can't do anything about it.

Tomorrow I am doing nothing during the day, then I have ballet at 5:45. Then at half 7 I am going to a sing through for a musical I am thinking about auditioning for. I haven't actually decided for sure whether I am going to audition or not. There is another show on a month before I am also considering auditioning for. I couldn't be in both, but I am not sure which I would rather do. I prefer the company doing one, and I prefer the show being done by the other. Both are good shows actually, but the female ensemble have more to do, and there are more female parts, hence me saying I prefer it. If I audition for one of them I will probably audition for both - the auditions are only a few days apart, and then I could decide based on casting etc. But I am not sure if I want to commit to doing another show or not. Partly because it feels too soon - Carousel has only just finished, and although auditions aren't for a couple more weeks, and therefore rehearsals probably wouldn't start for a month, it feels quite soon. But partly because I don't know if I want to commit myself to anything else at the moment. To an extent, committing myself to being in a show feels like committing myself to stay alive until that production has finished, and right now I don't feel in a position to say that I will stay alive until March/April of next year. That is a long time away, and I am not feeling good at the moment. I am having a lot of suicidal thoughts currently, and I don't want to feel tied to anything. On the other hand, maybe it is good for me to be rehearsing something, and to have a goal. Maybe it makes me feel better. And it doesn't have to be as much of a commitment as I make it. People drop out of productions all the time. As long as you aren't a lead it doesn't matter too much - you are replaceable. Well, anyone is replaceable if they need to be, but the bigger the role the harder you are to replace. But if I was in the chorus for one of the shows, I wouldn't have to see that as a commitment to staying alive for a long time - if I wasn't able to do it in the end then it wouldn't actually affect the production - they might just have to slightly alter a couple of big dance numbers - it wouldn't be a big deal. A principal part would be another matter, but I very much doubt I would get a principal role in either show. I don't know if I would feel able to commit to a principal part at the moment. Firstly because that really would feel like a commitment to staying alive until the production was over, partly because sometimes I just can't cope with going to rehearsals when I am really struggling, and that is problematic if you are a lead, and partly because learning lots of lines is an issue when I am having problems with concentration and memory. There are probably more reasons too, but they are the ones that immediately spring to mind. Being a lead is a lot more pressure than being in the chorus. The old adage 'There are no small parts, only small actors' is bollocks in my opinion. Ok, there are some very important small roles, but basically, if you are in a small role, it is going to be far easier to replace you than it is the lead - that is just simple logistics. If someone has hundreds of lines and 3 solo songs and a dance number, then it is going to be far more difficult to recast their role 2 weeks before the show opens than it is someone who has a cameo part with 10 lines and sings in the chorus of 2 songs. Of course I understand the sentiment of it, and I realise I am taking it somewhat out of context here, but for me a lead role is a far bigger commitment than a small part would be, and actually is more important - you can't do the show without the lead, but is anyone really going to miss that person in the 3rd row of the chorus? Unlikely. I have gone off on a tangent again. I was saying something. Oh yes. So I don't know whether to audition or not at the moment, because I don't know if I can handle the commitment. I will see how I feel next week when the auditions come round. I may audition and then decide. And I only have to see it as a commitment to life if I get cast in a lead role. I might not audition for a lead role. That goes against everything my actor-ey instincts tell me to do, but I couldn't honestly take on a part now for a show in March or April and know that I would be alive to do it.

I am struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts at the moment. They are quite strong, although currently not at an out of control level. What is difficult is my brain keeps going into planning mode and then getting stuck. I have certain rules around suicide. I would never do it say in the lead up to Christmas, or over Christmas, or on, or in the days before, somebody's birthday, or other significant dates. I think suicides are hard enough for the people left behind to deal with, without the anniversary of it popping up at a time when they are supposed to be happy, like at Christmas or a Birthday. So that is the first rule. The second rule is not to do it if something particularly difficult has just happened, for example I was very suicidal, and had just made an attempt, 2 years ago, and then my grandmother died, and although my suicidal thoughts were incredibly strong, I knew it wouldn't be fair to make my mother lose her mother and her daughter within the space of a week. That would have just felt wrong. However desperate I was feeling I couldn't have done that to her. The final rule is that I can't do it if I am committed to something, so for example in the month leading up to Carousel I couldn't have, however bad I felt, as I would have been letting so many people down. Prior to that it would have been acceptable, as I could have been replaced, but when there was only a few weeks to go I couldn't. So basically those are the rules. The other thing with suicide, is I like to know when it is an option. For example, when I am having strong suicidal thoughts, but I feel able to fight them a little longer, a tactic I use to do that is to say that if I am still feeling the same by X (say 2 weeks ahead for example) then I can act on them, and that is ok. It is just something I use to help me cope with them. Sometimes things have improved a little by X, sometimes they haven't really but I manage to find something else to keep going for, or have received more support, which has helped me to keep going etc. It doesn't always work - if I reach absolute breaking point then X goes out the window, so I would never promise to anyone, including myself, that I would be alive until X, but I do try to stick to it, and it is an aim at least. At the moment, although the thoughts aren't out of control, they have reached a point where I feel a need to plan when I would be able to kill myself if I needed to. And that is proving difficult. I usually try to set my first target for at least 2 weeks ahead, as that seems reasonable, and weekends are a no go because of people being around, which would make the first possible day I could kill myself November 15th. However, that is then less than 3 weeks before the concert I am doing, and so starting to encroach on the commitment rule. But the concert is in December, and so if I said that suicide wasn't an option until after that, it would be messing with the special occasion rule. Which therefore means it would basically mean being alive until January. And that thought terrifies me. It makes me feel really desperate and scared, and makes me want to kill myself now. Really quite badly. January is 2 months away - I can't say now that I can live for 2 whole months longer. It really scares me a lot. To the point that I am now thinking I need to kill myself now, within the next couple of weeks, to avoid that. I don't want to be alive for 2 months more. I don't want to be alive for 2 days more - committing to a further 2 months terrifies me. I could kill myself now. I don't mean right now, I mean at some point in the next couple of weeks. 3 weeks maximum. After that it is too close to the concert, and then Christmas. I hate Christmas. And I hate New Year even more. The thought of being alive for New Year is hideous. It makes me want to kill myself right now. I am not going to, but I want to. So I am feeling really confused. I do feel suicidal, and I do want to die, but I feel like I could hold off on acting on it for a couple of weeks, but saying I won't act on it for 2 months feels impossible, and not acting on it within the next 3 weeks is saying that, and that just makes me feel so desperate and out of control and scared.

Writing is so strange. I started writing this 45 minutes ago, and I had no idea what I was going to write. I just started writing because I felt in the mood to write, but I had no idea what, apart from the little weight rant and what I did today stuff. Then when I start writing everything just seems to pour out of me, and I start talking about things I didn't even know I was thinking about some of the time. Strange.

Catch up

It feels like so long since I have written anything! That is mostly because my laptop charger decided to break - there were little wires poking out, so I decided that fiddling around with it trying to make it work probably wasn't the best idea, although I did give it a little go. So that was on Saturday night that it stopped working completely, and then the only other working computer we have in the house is my Dad's laptop, which he was using most of yesterday, so I didn't get much time on the computer until today. I have ordered a new charger for my laptop, but I am guessing it won't be here until the end of the week, so I will be laptopless for a few days more unfortunately.

The shows went well Saturday. Well, mostly anyway. My back and hips were hurting, but I got quite used to that really. There was something I wasn't at all happy about on Saturday - someone came into our dressing room during Act 1 of the matinee and told me that my pas de deux partner had been drinking. I was pretty pissed off - for a start you aren't allowed alcohol backstage full stop, secondly it is incredibly unprofessional, but also it is really quite dangerous - I didn't want to do lifts with someone who had been drinking. He apparently thought it was all fine because he felt in control but I felt like that was pretty irrelevant - alcohol throws your balance off, and even if you do feel in control sometimes you aren't. Several people spoke to him, and he promised them he wouldn't have any more. The matinee went ok - I could smell the alcohol on his breath, but he did seem ok. Then the evening show came round and the second he walked on stage I could see he had been drinking more. There was fuck all I could do about it, so I just had to get on with it and hope for the best. It wasn't that great - he wasn't really drunk or anything, but he had definitely had enough that it was having an impact on his balance, and it didn't feel right, and the choreographer could see it wasn't right - the audience probably couldn't have because they hadn't seen it before, but the fish dive was actually quite scary - I ended up at such an angle I didn't think he was going to be able to get me back up. So yes, I was pretty pissed off about that, and I really don't know what he was thinking. All through rehearsals and the other performances he had been great - I felt really safe with him and we got on well, and I just have absolutely no idea what made him drink on Saturday. If he had stopped during the interval of the matinee like he told people he would once they had pointed out how dangerous it was to drink before going on stage and partnering someone then I wouldn't have been so angry, but it was so clear that he had carried on drinking after that, and that really pissed me off. Anyway, apart from that it was all fine. Between the shows some of us ordered in pizza, and people just hung out, but there wasn't that long really. I had lots of cards and things from other cast members - in fact I had a card and little present of some type from my stage mother every night! But got various other little presents and cards on Saturday, and 12 beautiful yellow roses from my stage father. My parents also got me some flowers and a card, as they had forgotten to get me a card at the start of the run, but I can't remember what those flowers were. I am not good at flowers. I know roses and tulips and that is more or less it. They may have been Gladioli?? I don't know. My mum did tell me but they are pretty flowers - I don't need to know the name.

I went to the aftershow party. I wasn't sure what to do, but in the end someone who lives not too far away from me gave me a lift home, so I was able to stay for a couple of hours, so that was nice. It feels quite weird it is over. I wasn't sure what to do with myself tonight, as I should have been at ballet and then rehearsal, but it is half term, and the show is over. My body definitely needs a rest though. My back is still really quite painful, and so really needs a break, then my hips are still incredibly tight and sore. My cold and sore throat seem to be going, but I have at least 7 mouth ulcers which are very painful. I have had at least 3 constantly for the last couple of weeks, but now I just have so many of them, and some of them are really horrible. So I think I am quite run down. I have absolutely no plans for the week at all apart from seeing L tomorrow morning. The rest of the week is totally free. I think T wants to do something one day or evening, but I don't know what or when. There are a couple of limbering classes at my dance school, but I am not going to go, although I feel like I should, because I think my body really just needs a break. I am not very good at listening to my body when it tells me to stop - I just make it keep going, like with my back and the show, but I think it is screaming as loudly as it can and I should probably take notice. So probably lots of watching bad TV and sleeping. Lots of sleep would be good. I am sleeping really badly, because I keep waking up from the pain of my mouth ulcers. I have been putting stuff on them, but it just kind of wears off and I end up waking up with them really hurting.

Mood wise I have been a bit all over the place really. Last week was quite strange, as I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts that I knew I couldn't act on, and feeling very flat even when I was on stage, but then some of the time I was having fun too. It was a really lovely cast, and the girls in my dressing room were very funny, and so there was a lot of laughter etc, but then there were these underlying thoughts about suicide all the time. And of course my weight. I am not at all happy with my weight at the moment, and I was very conscious of it last week, particularly because one of my dresses was very tight - it fitted but it couldn't have been any smaller at all. And I just can't help comparing myself to other people. I know my body perception must be a bit wrong from the way I perceive myself in relation to other people, as if I find out their actual weight or measurements etc they are always bigger than I expect, as I base my expectations on how I think they look compared to me - for example the girl playing my stage mum I thought was much smaller than me, but actually she weighed a few pounds more and was an inch shorter, so I know that logically she can't be that much smaller than me. Maybe a bit, because she is a lot more muscular than I am, but she can't be as much smaller as I see her as being. I really do need to lose weight though. I have been saying that for so long now, but it really has to happen. Not to a stupidly low weight - just a weight that I can be more comfortable at. I know it won't magically solve everything and make me happy, but it will at least give me one less thing to hate myself for.

Carousel and injuries

I have been pretty busy the last few days, hence the lack of writing. I had the dress rehearsal on Monday, which feels like a really long time ago now! As far as I can remember that all went ok, but it is all merging into one really. Then yesterday I had the first performance - that went fairly well. I felt a bit off balance when I was dancing, just a bit wobbly, but apparently it looked good and wasn't noticeable, so that's ok. The rest of the show went pretty well, although it was a bit slow, as was the dress rehearsal. Oh, although I just remembered I had a total nightmare. I am only in Act 2, so I spend Act 1 having my hair done, and then doing my make up, and then I get into costume sometime towards the end of Act 1, or in the interval. Last night I went to change, and realised I had left my white bra at home, and was wearing a bright green one. I spend the last scene in a white dress, so there was no way I could wear that, so there was a big panic! The problem had occurred because on Monday I had gone straight from a ballet class to the dress rehearsal, and so was in a leotard and tights, and had my white bra in my bag that goes to the theatre, but then after the dress rehearsal when I got dressed I naturally left that bra on, as I didn't even have another one with me, and so it went home and I completely forgot about it until I was changing. So I rung my mum and told her what had happened. I asked if she was wearing a white bra, as although she is smaller than me it would have done, but typically she was wearing a black one, so she dashed off to Tesco, bought 2 white bras, brought them to the theatre, and one of them fitted and I wore it. It was rather stressful, and it was lucky that yesterday I still had half an hour or so before I had to go on when I went to get changed, as if it had been much later there wouldn't have been time. So that was scary for a while. Plus the zip got stuck on my dress on my quick change, and I barely got changed in time - my dresser ended up having to yank it down over my hips, which could easily have broken it, but luckily it didn't, and we had no alternative. Tonight was better I think - no major disasters, and we took about 7 minutes off the time from last night, just from people picking up cues quicker, and some of the music that had been slightly slow being sped up a bit. There was a slight panic in the middle of Act 2, when I was hanging around in the green room warming up, and an automated message came over the tannoy saying that there was an incident on the site and to await further instructions, and then a panicked looking techie ran through asking what was going on. The performance was still carrying on, so everyone on stage and all the audience were totally oblivious, but it was causing quite a stir backstage! It turned out that it had just been some steam that had set off an alarm which generates this automated message, so there was no disaster, but people were a bit worried for a couple of minutes!

My mum came to see the show tonight. She was going to see it on Saturday night with my dad, but she has to take me up there every night and hang about, as it is too far for her to come back home, so she has to just go to see friends, or my brother who lives there or something, and she mentioned that she would quite like to see the show another night as she is up there, but the cost was putting her off, so I said I would buy her a ticket for tonight as she is taking me up there every night, and one of her friends went with her. So her and her friend went tonight, and then she will be going again on Saturday with my dad. When everyone else in the show was talking the other day about who they had going to see it I felt a bit left out, as I only had my parents going, and they all seemed to have loads of people. Obviously lots of them have work colleagues etc, which I don't have, but then lots of them had friends going, or lots of family etc, and I just had my parents. My siblings never come to see me perform - I think my sister has been to see two shows that I have done, out of over 20, and my brothers have never come to see anything. I do appreciate that not everyone is into theatre, particularly musicals, but it would be nice if they came to support me, even if it wasn't their favourite thing, although both of my sister in laws actually like musicals. And it isn't like they live a long way away - one of my brothers is a bit further away, but my sister is about a 30 minute drive from the theatre, and my other brother lives in the same town. I just feel a bit hurt that they never make any effort at all. I would go and see my sister doing something, whether I was interested in it or not. I don't know if I am being oversensitive or if it is a normal reaction and I am justified in feeling a bit hurt. It is the same with my friends really too. I do have quite a few friends who live a long way away, and I wouldn't expect them to come, but I have other friends who live close and could come. I do have 2 people who have come or are coming - one is my old History teacher from college, who I have always been in contact with, and who likes theatre and came last night, and the other is a lovely fellow blogger, who is coming from further away than any of my siblings would have to. It really means a lot that they have made the effort to come and see it. But it does hurt a bit that none of the rest of my family bother, or my friends. Although I know that T would, but he is in another show this week, and so it would be impossible. Plus the other women in my dressing room all have loads of cards around their mirrors too, and the only ones I got were from my stage parents. I know it is just a really small, unimportant thing, but it is just nice to feel like people care, and when other people have lots of flowers and cards and things and I don't it just makes me feel a bit crap about myself. Although it was really sweet tonight - when I was in the green room last night I was chatting to a couple of people and mentioned that when I was talking to T yesterday he said he was off buying flowers for the lead females in his show, and I told him that nobody had ever bought me flowers for a show, and when I arrived tonight one of the women I had been talking to gave me some flowers. I just thought it was so sweet of her - she isn't a cast member, and I don't even know her name. I think she might be one of the chaperones for the children, but I am not even sure what her involvement is. I have chatted to her a fair bit when I have been hanging around when I am not on stage the last few days, but that is all, and I just thought that it was such a lovely thing for her to do. It is so lovely when people do things that you aren't expecting at all. Some people are just so thoughtful. Buying flowers for someone you barely know is just such a sweet thing to do, and I had only mentioned it in passing when everyone was talking about gifts for shows etc. So yes, I really appreciated that.

My back is hurting a bit. It is ok when I am performing - I don't really notice it then, but it hurts when I get offstage, and particularly when I get back home. I am still taking anti inflammatory tablets and painkillers 3 times a day, but it does still hurt. It is better than it was - it is just still painful. I went to see the physio again yesterday and she said it was still all pretty tight and inflamed, hence the pain. She massaged it to try and get it to relax a bit (and commented on how knotted my shoulders are, which they really are - my whole back has just turned into giant knots, and my shoulders are tender just to touch), and then she taped up my lower back to try and provide some support for it, but obviously she couldn't tape it too tightly as it would have restricted my movement. So I have had that on since yesterday. She said if I thought it was helping I could leave it on for 4 or 5 days, but that is kind of difficult, as I asked what I was supposed to do about it when I showered, and she said try and keep it as dry as possible. Well I discovered today that as dry as possible is soaking wet. How are you meant to have a shower and wash your hair and not get a big section of your back wet?! Today's bright idea was to cover it all with clingfilm and to tape that on, but the taping underneath still got soaking wet, so that wasn't very successful. I then tried to dry it with a hairdryer, as it was a bit uncomfortable wet (hence her saying to try and keep it dry) but that just seemed to dry the top layer of tape really, and there were quite a few wet layers underneath. So it might not end up staying on for 5 days.... I have also been having problems with my hips. Well, not actually my hips, but I don't know how else to describe where it is. The bones just underneath your bottom where your hamstring attaches. I often get discomfort there, and have to pop my hip (or that bone) which is apparently when my hamstring has caught on the bone and I pop it off. That is apparently a not good thing to happen, but I do it most days, and I am used to it. But the last couple of weeks I have been getting more and more discomfort, and it either isn't popping, or popping it isn't releasing it. I don't know if it is referred pain from my back and holding myself awkwardly, or if it is because I didn't dance for a couple of weeks because of my back, or something completely unrelated to my back, but they are really uncomfortable. And when I stretch, whatever stretch I do, that is the place I feel it in, and it really hurts sometimes when I am stretching. I am trying to stretch it out, as that is what it feels like it needs, but it just seems to be getting tighter and tighter every day. I have had to change the ballet sequence so I go into the splits on my other leg, as the leg I was originally doing them on, which is usually more comfortable for me, has more pain in there, and it just hurts too much. I did ask the physio about it, and she just said to stretch my hamstrings, but that doesn't seem to be helping. I really don't need any more injuries thank you - my back is enough, I don't want something else to have to try and work around!

Next week can be a complete week off dance wise. I won't have any ballet classes because it is half term, Carousel will be finished, and luckily I didn't book a place on either of the courses I was thinking about doing. I very nearly did book for the one that was commutable, but in the event it is probably a good thing I didn't, as I think my body will probably appreciate a rest - it doesn't seem happy at the moment. The rest of this week looks to be pretty quiet apart from Carousel, so lots of sleeping and trying to relax is called for I think.

Tech day

I thought that today was going to be an absolute nightmare. We had the band call this morning, which I thought would probably be fine, but then we had the tech this evening, and in my experience tech rehearsals are generally a nightmare. They are the first time you get on stage with all the scenery, microphones, costumes, props etc, and generally everything that can go wrong does, and you have to repeat things endless times for the tech crew to sort X out, which is fair enough as it is their rehearsal, but it really is tedious. And of course constantly being told the rehearsal isn't for you - it is for the tech crew can be frustrating. So yes, I wasn't exactly looking forward to it - I don't think it is anyone's favourite part of a production.

I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was really stressed about one of my costumes. It is the one I have to wear for the ballet and the scene after, and I was expecting something fairly flimsy and light, and easy to dance in etc, but was given a fairly typical Victorianesque child dress - fitted body, mid calf length full skirt with a ruffle thing at the bottom, sash, etc. I was stupid - at the costume call I just checked it fitted and that the skirt was full enough for me to do the splits in, and I didn't even think about anything else. Then last night when I was trying to sleep I went into panic mode about it. I decided that a) it was too heavy and I wouldn't be able to lift my legs properly in it, b) that my pas de deux partner wouldn't be able to work with it as he is used to dancing with me in jazz pants, when he can easily grab my legs etc, without layers of fabric getting in the way, and c) that my foot would get caught on the hem attaching the ruffle bit and I would end up stuck or falling flat on my face. And basically just thinking it would be a complete and utter disaster and there would be no way I could dance in it. And I couldn't sleep because I was just getting so stressed about the whole thing and how terrible it would be. So it was late when I finally got to sleep, and then I slept really badly with loads of dreaming and waking up and tossing and turning, so I was not happy about getting up, and I was feeling pretty stressed. The day did start well as I have lost 2lbs in 2 days, so felt slightly less grotesque, and slightly more ok about being on stage and dancing etc, but I really was tired, and I just cannot shift this cold/sore throat thing I have, let alone my bad back.

I got to band call today and immediately went up to the choreographer and told her I was concerned etc. She said she had also been expecting something more floaty, and to see how I got on, and a replacement could be got if necessary. I decided to put it on at band call to give me an extra chance to try it out and see how it felt. To be fair it wasn't as terrible as it was in my head last night - I think I was catastrophising a little.... The ruffle/frill bit around the bottom is probably the biggest problem, as although there is no chance of my foot getting stuck in it like I was imagining, it is where most of the weight is, which is one of the problems both because it makes it heavier (although again, not too heavy to lift my leg like I was imagining...) and because it sets the weight of the dress in a weird position, and doesn't allow it flow like it should. It is also a shame that the material is not at all sheer/flowy as it means you can't actually see what my legs and feet are doing, which is kind of important in ballet. The dress would be absolutely fine for ensemble number dancing etc, but it just isn't right for a ballet. And because of the weird weight line it throws my balance off slightly, which isn't good. One of the chorus members had the bright idea that we could just unstitch the ruffle and get the costume woman to sew it back on before returning it to the hire place, but I am not sure about that - sounds a bit dodgy! Anyway, it wasn't as bad as I was expecting - my centre felt a bit out as I said, and you can't see my legs/feet which is a shame after all the work the choreographer has put in, but it won't be the end of the world if I have to use it - it will just be a shame. It felt worse in the band call this morning than it did during the actual tech rehearsal, but I think that is partly because the venue the band call was in had a really slippery floor, as so wasn't good for dancing in full stop. The choreographer was great about it though - I asked if the director would have a problem with me changing the dress, as he liked it at the costume call, and she said 'Well, you are my dancer, and if you aren't happy with it and I'm not happy with it, then it doesn't really matter what he thinks to be honest - it is primarily a dance costume, so I have the final say!' so it was really good to know that she would support me, as I had expected her to just say something along the lines of not being sure there was anything they could do about it etc. Her, the director, and the costumier are going to the hire place tomorrow, as there are several more costumes needed because of the ones being sent not fitting etc, so they are going to see if they can find anything more suitable for me, but if not I will just have to make do with what I have.

The actual tech rehearsal went surprisingly smoothly! I don't even like saying that, as I feel like it is somehow jinxing the dress rehearsal, but it really did! It was definitely the easiest tech I have ever been involved with. You normally have to stop so often, but I think we only had 2 proper stops, possibly 3, which is really pretty good going. There was one that affected me - the middle tabs go across at the end of the scene before the ballet, and the scene continues front of tabs as it merges into the ballet scene, and the tech crew have to change the set behind the tabs, and then the tabs open and I start the dance, but they hadn't set the scene in time, and so the music for the ballet started and the tabs were still closed, so I just danced around behind the tabs for a little while until the director stopped the show and got them to reset the previous scene and do the set change again to see if they could do it in time, and it worked fine that time, so hopefully it won't be a problem in the future. The ballet went fine, despite the dress. Dr Theatre worked his magic and stopped my back hurting the whole time I was performing, although I was in a lot of pain when I finished. The only other things I was really concerned about was a couple of things I have to do very quickly - the first is put my radio mic on after the ballet but before I have to enter for the next scene, which is about 30 seconds, but with someone helping me we managed it in time - I was a bit worried as I can't have it on for the ballet as the mic pack would probably get in the way with the lifts etc, but I have to have it on for the next scene. The other thing was a very quick costume change - I have to change out of the dress I am wearing for the ballet, which means undoing the sash, unclipping the pin mic, zipping the dress, getting out of the dress, getting out of my shoes, and then putting on a petticoat, long white socks (would have been tights, but thought socks would be quicker to get on, and look the same as the dress is long), a different dress, different ballet shoes, another sash, attaching the pin mic to the new dress, and putting in a hair slide with a bow on it in maybe a minute and a half. It is definitely a pretty quick change - one to be done in the wings for sure and with 2 people helping. We managed it with about 15 seconds to go I think, so that was pretty good - 15 seconds is a lot in a change that quick, but there is definitely not going to be time to get back to the dressing room, even though it is number 1, and therefore closest to the stage - just through the stage door. But that's ok - I have done plenty of changes in the wings before, and I seem to have someone pretty efficient helping me, so hopefully it will be fine!

In between the band call and the start of the tech I went out for a meal with some of the other cast members - the girl playing my mother, who I think is one of the most genuine, lovely people I have ever met - she is just so sweet and caring to everyone, and then 3 of the girls from the ensemble. We went to Pizza Express. It was nice. They are a really nice crowd. A couple of things were a bit difficult - firstly the obvious - eating out is always difficult for me. I desperately wanted to purge but couldn't as for some reason we all went to the toilets together at the end of the meal, so there was no way that was going to happen. So that was tough. I tried to keep telling myself it was the only meal I was going to get today and so it was ok, and that I was dancing too, but I am sure I will have gained weight tomorrow, and that will be far from ok. Then the other thing that was slightly uncomfortable was that my 'mother' mentioned her husband being away at the moment, as his 19 year old brother had died, and it turned out to be a suicide, and one of the ensemble girls said her uncle had killed himself and she had been the last person to speak to him, and so it lead into a bit of talk about suicide, and I just didn't know what to say. None of them know that I have mental health problems or anything, and it didn't seem an appropriate time to mention that I have tried to kill myself a couple of times, so I just sat there and felt a little awkward. But it was good apart from those two things.

This was meant to just be very quick before I went to bed, and I have ended up writing loads. I should have learnt by now that I am not good at writing a little bit. Luckily I don't have to be up early tomorrow. I do need to get some eyelashes at some point, as we are apparently supposed to wear false eyelashes I discovered today - I will be shit at putting them on, I might have to get the make up people to do it for me. I am just not good at things like that! There is a possibility I will have to go over to the costume hire place to try on dresses, but I expect the choreographer will sort it out without me needing to go over there. Then I have ballet 5:45 - 6:45, and then the dress rehearsal starts at 7:30. I am tempted to try and book another physio appointment for either tomorrow or Tuesday, as my back still isn't better, and maybe there is some treatment they could do now that would make more of a difference. It is better than it was, but it does still give me quite a lot of pain, and I don't think it should be 3 weeks after I hurt it, particularly with the quantity of painkillers I have been taking! Just a shame it is so expensive! I hope the dress rehearsal goes as well as the tech did - if it does then it should be a good show.