I stayed home tonight. I decided I just couldn't face going out. My mum was slightly unhelpful as I said that I was thinking of saying I was ill and couldn't go, and she said I couldn't do that because I wasn't actually ill, 'only in the head'. That helped. But I decided to ignore that. I didn't have to make an excuse for ballet, as my teacher knows that I generally won't be there on Wednesdays because of show rehearsals, so that just left the rehearsal. I sent a text to the director saying that I wasn't feeling well and so wouldn't be going to ballet, but that I would go to the rehearsal if she needed me, but that I obviously wasn't feeling great, and she replied saying not to worry. That meant that I felt ok about missing rehearsal, as I had offered to go if required, but said that I wasn't feeling well, which was pretty much the truth, and I was just hoping that she would reply in the way she did.
I am feeling shit about my weight. I gained a little this week, which I always find really difficult. Because I am feeling so terrible I am finding myself comfort eating, which is fine at the time, but not remotely comforting afterwards, as I feel extremely guilty, and then of course when I weigh myself I gain weight and feel shit about myself, which makes me feel even worse, and so the cycle goes ok. It is strange, when my depression gets really bad I either lose interest in food altogether and just don't get hungry at all, or I just want to comfort eat. Not out of hunger I suppose - I just feel like I have to do something to make me feel better, and eating cake seems like a good idea at the time. There is also a part of my brain that tells me I may as well eat what I like, as I will be dead soon, and it doesn't matter what I weigh then, whilst another part of me tells me that I must lose weight, as I can't die fat. I am assume that is somehow linked to the part of me that tells me I can't die with dirty hair.... I have no idea what that is about, but even if I am really depressed, to the point where I am really struggling to move, I have to wash my hair if I am planning to kill myself that day. You would think that would be about the least relevant thing possible, but for some reason it seems important, and I suppose dying thin is somehow related to that.
My sleep is still terrible. I seem to be permanently exhausted, and yet unable to sleep until at least 6am, regardless of what I have been doing that day, what time I woke up, and how much sleep I got the night before.
I am really finding everything very overwhelming. I am feeling so low, and then when that is combined with my dreadful sleep, and my complete inability to concentrate on anything, it makes the days feel incredibly long, and very difficult to get through. I have tried to think of reasons to live, things to keep going for, but I can't think of anything for myself. There is always the thing of not hurting others, but there is surely a limit to how many years you can be expected to go on feeling cripplingly low for the sake of other people? And I cannot think of a single reason to live for myself. Sometimes when I am feeling really bad I am able to cope by setting myself days, for example when I have an appointment or something - I suppose the hope that talking to someone might change things or help in some way helps me to get through, but I don't even have that at the moment. I am due to see L next Tuesday, but I can't see it as something to aim for, because I know it won't change anything. There is literally nothing that I can use as a motivator to keep going. I feel terrible.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago