Saturday, 8 January 2011

Same old

I am absolutely furious because my brand new laptop that only arrived on Wednesday had a problem tonight, which means I am back on my old laptop. I was just chatting on Facebook etc, and the mouse started going funny - kept sending the cursor back to the beginning of where I was typing and it wouldn't move. Assumed it was Facebook or Internet Explorer acting up, so I tried to close the window, but couldn't click. Realised I couldn't click with the left mouse button, or using the touchpad, but the cursor and right button were still working normally. Rebooted the laptop and assumed it would all be ok. It wasn't. Got angry. Rebooted again. Still no good. Found my info stuff that came with the laptop and tried calling them. Their stupid bloody phone line is only open Monday to Friday, 8am - 6pm. Since this was a Friday at about 10pm that meant there was 3 days before I could call them. Went online to see if I could get online help - I assumed things like that were 24/7, as I used to have a Dell laptop and they seemed to have online support constantly. That is available the same as the phone. I don't have a mouse I can plug into the USB port, so I can't use my new laptop now. I am concerned it is a hardware problem, as I googled it and somewhere it said to reboot and press F10 to get the start up diagnostics thing up, and if the mouse worked there then it wasn't a hardware problem. It didn't work. From when I have learnt from Google I think it is likely to be a hardware problem and need replacing, which is a bloody pain in the arse - I waited 3 weeks after ordering for it to arrive, and now it looks like I am going to have to send it back after 3 days, and goodness knows how long it will take to get back. I haven't downloaded anything, so it can't be a virus. Pissed off.

I am feeling really shit today. Worse than I have other days this last week. Not because of the laptop, although that has pissed me off. The suicidal thoughts are really strong and I just desperately want to make everything stop. It has been a really difficult evening and everything just feels like more than I can cope with. I saw Dr O earlier. I didn't tell her how I was feeling. She doesn't actually ask. I glanced at the screen and saw my notes from the last few times I saw her - she seems to judge how well I am doing on a) whether I smile, b) how much eye contact I make, and c) how 'bright' I seem, things I have noticed other times I have looked at the screen in my appointments with her. So now if I can't be bothered to tell her how I am feeling for some reason, I just try and make sure I look at her lots and smile at appropriate times. Today I didn't want to tell her because I wanted some Zopiclone, and if I had gone in and said that I had been having strong suicidal thoughts and that I was feeling really awful, then she a) wouldn't have given it to me, and b) would have told me I had been feeling good for a long time now and so why am I feeling bad now (she always thinks I am feeling good unless I explicitly say I am feeling suicidal), and c) suggested I learn to cross stitch or something of that nature. Since I have no intention of learning to cross stitch and didn't want to tell her that actually I have been feeling shit fairly consistently and that I just don't bother telling her, for her to then say that I have seemed like I am doing really well and she definitely thinks I have been better than I was blah blah blah, because it is just frustrating and serves no purpose, I thought the smiling and eye contact approach was most appropriate. So I told her I had been sleeping badly, and she asked if it was because I was coughing and I said no (that wasn't a totally random question - last time I saw her I had a chest infection), and asked for some Zopiclone. She gave them to me on the proviso that I know they are just short term etc etc, all the usual stuff. So I have 28 Zopiclone now. I am not quite sure why I wanted them really. They don't help me sleep, or at least 1 (7.5mg) doesn't. In fact, it tends to make me quite hyper. 3 or 4 do, but it isn't really advisable to take them 3 or 4 at a time. I think it is partly so that when I am having a bad day and just really need to knock myself out I can take a few and know that I will get some sleep. And partly because I like having them. I like having pills around. It makes me feel safe and like I have an option if things get too much. Obviously not just Zopiclone, but generally. I told her I am still taking 1 - 2 Diazepam a day, which always pleases her, and because I had so many boxes at the beginning I don't need a refill every month, so it looks like I take less than I do. Although I actually do only take 1 most days. But some days I have more. I technically didn't really need to get any today as I found a box of 56 I hadn't opened from the time before last that I saw her, but I thought I may as well, as I like to have spares. It was a fairly uneventful appointment really. She said she would refer me to the physio because I have been having problems with my upper hamstrings for a few months now.

I wish there was an easy way out of all of this, that wouldn't involve hurting people.


  1. Hey, there's nothing wrong with cross stitch ;) Sorry you're still struggling so much. Things can change, I promise you.

  2. I know there isn't - it just baffles me that she thinks it is a helpful suggestion at times when I am struggling to string a sentence together and am only thinking about suicide, which is when she has suggested it in the past! x