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Saturday, 1 January 2011

I'm Still Here

So, it is the 1st January 2011. 1/1/11. Start of another shitty year. I still wish I was dead and that I hadn't made it to this year, and I still plan to correct it as soon as possible. I have a vague feeling that killing myself is a somewhat inappropriate New Year's Resolution, but that is the thing that I want. I spent last night with my parents at home - half a bottle of champagne and a couple of Diazepam got me through. I am struggling to write. There's lots I meant to say but I just feel like my brain has fogged over, and it isn't due to the alcohol from last night. I intended to try and write about the positives of 2010, but I am feeling too shit to bother. I know there were positives. I just couldn't make them mean anything to me - they all felt irrelevant. I will try and do it at some point. At the moment Sondheim's lyrics from the song I'm Still Here from Follies pretty much sum things up.

'I've run the gamut, A to Z.
Three cheers and dammit, c'est la vie!
I got through all of last year and I'm here!'
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8 comments:

  1. Anonymous1 January 2011 at 20:29

    *hugs* I'm glad you're still here.

    I hope you can cope and I hope you change your mind about your "resolution". I hope things actually start to get better this year.

    It doesn't seem like your CMHT is doing anything like enough. I hope that this year they help, and that the positives start to mean somthing.

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  2. Steph1 January 2011 at 20:31

    Well i know this doesnt mean much at all but i'm glad you are still here. I really hope the thoughts pass soon!!

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  3. La-reve1 January 2011 at 21:34

    I too am glad - won't say more cos we discussed things at length. ut here this next week if you need chat. take care. x

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  4. Lisa1 January 2011 at 21:43

    as the others have said..

    I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE and I really don't just speak random shit :)

    You've helped support me alot and I really do want to help support you as well...

    xoxo
    -Lisa

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  5. Differently Sane1 January 2011 at 21:59

    {{{hugs}}} - I'm glad you made it to - that in itself is an accomplishment that I hope one day (soon) you'll appreciate.

    Take care,
    Differently

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  6. Anonymous2 January 2011 at 03:03

    I know you're not happy about it, but I am really, really glad you're still here. Like everyone said.

    Also, I can relate to what you're saying about none of the good things having meaning. For me it's that nothing in my life is good unless I am skinny. So I completely discount positives because they just aren't as important to me as my weight. So yes, I think I understand what you're saying.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  7. Anonymous2 January 2011 at 05:38

    Almost certainly an inappropriate resolution. but one shared be quite a few people I think.
    Glad you made it this far, I hope you continue to do so.

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  8. Unknown5 January 2011 at 00:45

    *hugs* I'm glad you're still here hun. Keep fighting.

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