If you can't beat them....

Join them! Everyone else seems to be doing it, and I can't sleep, so here is the 2010 questionnaire thingy.....

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Performed as a soloist in a concert with a West End performer I have respected for many years.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't make New Year's Resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Two friends had babies, and a cousin, but I haven't actually met any of the babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My paternal grandfather. We weren't massively close, but he was my grandad.

5. What countries did you visit?

I stayed in England all year. That is a bit crap really.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Happiness, which means recovery from my mental health problems. Unfortunately I think this is very unlikely, as the only things I can imagine possibly helping are not options, and I don't hold out any great hopes for the types of therapy that are available in my county. L is great and a massive support, but she can't make me better - she is a CPN, not a miracle worker.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I don't know that any will be etched for long, I am not that good with dates. At the moment I suppose 5th December, because that is when the concert was, but in a couple of months I doubt I will remember the exact date. In fact I just had to double check I had it right.....

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving the year, despite feeling so terrible for the vast majority of it.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not achieving any of the things I planned to do, like summer courses, applying to drama school, finally getting my driving licence, recovering from my mental health problems.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Ongoing mental health problems of course. Physically I injured my back rehearsing a show, and have had problems with my upper hamstrings ever since then. I need to see a physio again really.

11. What was the best thing someone bought you?

I don't really know.... I don't think any one thing stood out in my mind. At the moment probably some pyjamas I got for Christmas because they are so cosy, but some of the presents I got from my fellow cast members when I did Carousel meant a lot, even though they were just small things.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Everyone who had a difficult time this year and got through it.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and/or depressed?

Probably my sister primarily, for behaving in such an immature way.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Single thing would be my new laptop that I ordered before Christmas, and am expecting to arrive tomorrow or the next day. It is much needed - this one overheats quite scarily.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

When I first got cast in the concert I was really excited.

16. What songs will always remind of 2010?

I don't really know. I suppose 'Nothing' because that is what I sung in the concert, but I have been singing that song for years, so I don't know if I will associate it particularly with this year. I don't think there is a song I would particularly associate with this year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder?

Looking back at what I wrote this time last year, probably similar, although I am more suicidal now, but that is more because I have had enough of all of this than because I am currently feeling more unhappy. It is just so unrelenting.

b) fatter or skinnier?

I'm not sure - possibly a few pounds lighter. This time last year my weight was on the way up though, and it is now on the way down - I gained and then lost a reasonable amount in 2010.

c) richer or poorer?

Ermm, I think similar, but I am not that great at noticing money.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

It's hard to say, because all the things I wanted to do and didn't were because of my mental health problems - without those there are hundreds of things I would have liked to do.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Staying in bed too depressed to move and feeling severely suicidal.

20. How do you plan to spend Christmas?

Well it is now January, so it is a bit late for that really, but I spent Christmas Day at home with my parents.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

No.

22. How many one night stands?

None.

23. What was your favourite TV programme?

I think I have 2. The first is Glee - it was very funny, and it was good to see some musical theatre performers getting exposure. The second is Downton Abbey - I thought that was absolutely brilliant, and far surpassed my expectations - I thought that ITV were a bit weird for trying to do a period drama, but I really loved it, and thought it was much better than the BBCs Upstairs Downstairs, which I was expecting to love but was left pretty cold by.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don't think so. Hate is a strong word. There are people I am angry or upset with, but I don't hate them. I don't actually want to care enough about them to hate them. Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is.

25. What was the best book you read?

I read a lot of really good books, but I can really only remember the ones I read in the last month or so, because my memory is that shit, and I feel sure that I read some better books earlier in the year, although I have read some good books recently too. I couldn't name one. I can never name favourite books.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hmmm. I don't know if I had one as such. My favourite CD I bought in 2010 was probably the musical Next To Normal - it is beautiful music, and I can really relate to so much of it. My favourite solo album was Annalene Beechey's album Close Your Eyes, although she wasn't a new discovery as I had seen her in shows before.

27. What did you want and get?

To be cast in the concert. The role I played in Carousel. The lead in the musical I am rehearsing at the moment.

28. What did you want and not get?

Recovery from my mental health problems, or at least to feel like things were improving or that there was a hope of things getting better. Appropriate treatment for my mental health problems, ie DBT or a therapeutic community, or both.

29. What was your favourite film of this year?

Probably Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1..... I don't go to the cinema that often, and I do love Harry Potter, although the books are so much better than the films. But this film was definitely better than the others due to not being crammed into 2 and a half hours.

30. What did you do on your birthday?

Went to my Grandad's funeral. That was not a good birthday.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not being depressed and suicidal for most of the year, so that I could actually enjoy things, rather than just let them happen and feel indifferent about them.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Are pyjamas a fashion concept? I think I have spent a good 90 - 95% of my time in pyjamas. I only get dressed when absolutely necessary, partly because pyjamas are so comfortable, partly because getting dressed takes too much effort, and partly because I feel really uncomfortable with my body, and so finding clothes I feel look ok is virtually impossible and very stressful.

33. What kept you sane?

Oh goodness - define sanity. I don't know if I would be considered sane. The two things that helped me the most were this blog and the support I have received through it and people I have met from it, and L.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I don't know that I did particularly.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Oh politics has made me angry virtually non stop this year. Virtually everything the Tories and their Lib Dem lapdogs have done have made me furious, but top of the list would be the benefits and welfare cuts, closely followed by the tripling of university tuition fees - as someone who is yet to get a degree because of mental health problems that will affect me a lot if I ever recover to the point where I am well enough to live a normal life. So essentially the government have managed to fuck my life now with the benefits cuts, and my life if I ever recover with the tuition fee hike. Thanks for that.

36. Who do you miss?

I still miss my old GP who died in 2009. She was a fantastic person. And I miss some of my friends who I haven't seen for various reasons.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Best new people I met in 'real life' would be T, who has been a good friend, and some of the cast members of Carousel, particularly the girl who played my mother, who is such a lovely person. I have also met loads of fantastic people online through this blog and the associated Facebook/Twitter pages - too many to start naming names.

38. What was the best thing you ate?

I have absolutely no idea. Probably something I ate lots of times, because I am pretty predictable with my food choices. But I don't think I would ever really remember eating one thing in particular.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010?

Everyone, no matter how much they mean to you, will let you down at some point. But that does not mean you shouldn't get close to anyone or let anyone in, because the benefits can outweigh the negatives. But it was a difficult, but valuable, lesson to learn - that everyone will let you down at some point, and that nobody is perfect. Relationships are bloody complicated and confusing, and can be really hurtful, but sometimes you have to put yourself out there and risk being hurt, because otherwise you will always be alone.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

'I've run the gamut, A to Z.
Three cheers and dammit, c'est la vie.
I've got through all of last year, and I'm here.'