I seem to be struggling to write much at the moment, despite my head being full the whole time. I think maybe it is too full and so I am having difficulty distinguishing thoughts from one another. It is a few days into the New Year, and naturally nothing has changed. I still want to kill myself at the first suitable opportunity. My mum is off work this week - she doesn't go back until Monday, so realistically nothing can happen before then at the earliest, which means I have at least another week of fucking hell. I tried buying things online yesterday to see if that made me feel any better, even if just briefly, but it didn't. I ordered a couple of DVDs, and a couple of computer games that I will probably never play. I still haven't watched the Lost Season 6 DVD that I bought last time I felt crap and thought that buying something would help, and every other season of Lost I have watched within a few days of it arriving, and I have had that for about 6 months now. Same with books I haven't read, other DVDs I haven't watched, CDs I haven't listened to, clothes I didn't like but didn't get round to returning. One day I might learn that buying things when I feel crap doesn't actually make me feel any better, it just costs money and leaves me with a pile of stuff I don't need or want. But probably not. It's like self harm - it used to help, and so I still try it sometimes, but it doesn't have the same effect anymore.
My mum made me go shopping today. Hideous. I am such a shit girl. I hate shopping. I almost view it as a form of torture. I deliberately avoid the sales racks, because they are just far too confusing and stressful to even look at, which makes shopping at this time slightly awkward because half the shop is sales racks. I have absolutely no idea how anyone can get excited about sales shopping. All the shops open stupidly early on Boxing Day, and people actually queue for hours to get into the stupid shops, and hunt through loads of rails of clothes, most of which will be a) hideous, b) the wrong size, or c) both. Why would you do that? I would actually rather just pay full price for something than face the sales.
We had to go shopping because my mum managed to buy me quite a few things this year that were no good. She is actually usually really good at present buying, but she just seemed to get it all a bit wrong this year. My favourite present this year was a pair of really warm, fleecy pyjamas from my mum, but she wasn't very impressed that they were my best present. They are so warm though, and I am always cold. I wasn't too bothered about not getting many things I wanted - material things aren't really meaning anything to me at the moment, I suppose primarily because I am not planning to be here much longer, plus I do genuinely prefer giving presents to receiving them, unless it is something I particularly want. My mum took back the things that she had bought for me that weren't any good, but I really couldn't be bothered to look around the shops properly, so I didn't buy anything as a replacement. That's ok. I don't need anything. Actually I do. I have no clothes. But I spend a good 90% of my life in my pyjamas, so I don't need too many clothes really. Although I could do with some to save the panic attack I get every time I get dressed and feel hideous in absolutely everything that I put on. It took me so long to get dressed today, and I was getting more and more worked up, because I just felt so awful in everything that I put on, and nothing was suitable, and I was just getting more and more stressed, and my mum was getting more and more angry because she had wanted to leave and I was still changing clothes. I just get into such a state, and she gets irritated with me and continually tells me how silly I am being, which I probably am, but I just can't help it.
I do find my mum quite invalidating a lot of the time. She is always saying that I allow myself to be like this, or that my life is good and so I should be happy and stop letting myself be depressed or that I am a drama queen or that I am just saying things other people have said, like she did about New Year, and things like that, and if I ever mention that I find what she says hurtful or invalidating she says that I have picked up saying things like that from the internet or books or associating with people with mental health problems, or whatever her current theory is. It really frustrates me when I say I am stressed or upset about something and she replies with 'You're not really'. I know she doesn't mean to, but she really upsets me sometimes. I wish that she would just listen to what I am saying rather than just dismissing everything. And then she gets annoyed with me for not talking to her more often and not telling her how I feel. But is it really any wonder I don't talk to her more when virtually every time I try to I get dismissed as being a drama queen, or exaggerating, or letting myself get worked up?
I am really struggling to write. I feel really distracted by my head and the thoughts/images/films of suicide it is having. I know there was something in particular I wanted to write about, but I can't remember what. I am feeling really shit. Not in an only able to stare at walls type way like I was last time I was having a really difficult time. Just in a I've had enough and I don't want to be alive regardless of what happens kind of way. I'm not sure which is worse. Both feel shit.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago