Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Friday, 11 March 2011
Blog moved
My blog is now entirely moved over to Wordpress and I will not be writing here anymore, and will possibly close it down. I have no idea which of those of you who emailed me asking to be added to my invite only list when I was planning to stay here have yet to find my new blog, but if you haven't stumbled across it and would like the URL then please email me: bippidee at hotmail dot co dot uk, and I will email you the address. Whilst I am aware some of the anonymous commenters who left hurtful comments may find the new address anyway, I don't really want to make it too easy by posting it here for people to see; sorry for any inconvenience.
Thursday, 10 March 2011
Change of plan
I am no longer going to be blogging here - I am making the move the WordPress. This is primarily so that I can just password protect certain posts if I feel the need to, rather than my entire blog being invite only. My Twitter and Facebook accounts will remain the same, as will my email address. I am currently finishing setting things up, and will let people know the link soon. Hopefully when I have finished setting it all up I will get back to blogging regularly, as I have found I have missed it, and I think perhaps not having that form of support contributed to a further slip in my mood, but to be honest I don't know that I could have written much anyway due to my mood. I will fill you in on what has been going on over on the new blog, hopefully later today.
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
Blog going invite only
I need to blog. I am finding it hard not having it as an outlet and I miss it. But right now I can't do it in public in the way I always have done, as I am too paranoid about what people are thinking of me etc, so I have made the decision to make it invitation only. I am kind of upset about this, as to me it takes away one of the core things I like about blogging - that absolutely anyone can stumble onto your blog and start reading, and I have grown close to several people through this blog, who I obviously wouldn't know at all if my blog had always been private. But for the time being that is the plan, and hopefully at some point in the future I will go back to open blogging. If you would like to continue to read then please either send me a DM on Twitter, a message on Facebook, or an email, with the email address you want me to send the invitation to. Please do not ask for an invitation if you think I am attention seeking/crying wolf/give BPD a bad name, or any of the other things I have been accused of lately - I can't think why you would be reading my blog in the first place if you feel like that, but clearly people do. Thanks.
Saturday, 26 February 2011
Break
Just wanted to let you all know I am not intending to blog for a while. I may or may come back to it, I don't know. I have met some wonderful friends through this blog who I value enormously, but I feel too much like I am being judged by what I write here to continue. I have nothing to talk about except how I feel, and that is not changing, and I can't cope with being accused of crying wolf for talking about my feelings, so I feel a break is in order. The suicidal thoughts are incredibly strong, but since I am still alive that apparently proves I am just attention seeking, and the fact that the professionals and my family know how I am feeling but don't offer any more support makes me feel like they either also think I am attention seeking, or that they have accepted my decision - it doesn't really matter which. As I have said before, I have been having trust issues for a while, and they have just been exacerbated by things that have been going on on Facebook lately in relation to this blog, and I just can't deal with it. I had been considering taking a break anyway, and events tonight have made up my mind. If I am around, those of you who want to keep in touch with me know how to. Thank you very much for all of the support over the past 15 months or so. I appreciate it enormously and wish you all the best. xxxx
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Response and appointment
I am not sure what to say or where to start. Actually, I think I will begin by addressing the comments regarding the previous post. I was going to reply in the comments, but it would have ended up ridiculously long. Firstly, I did not intend to cause the kind of tension that I have done. As usual, I was just writing what I was thinking, because that is what I do. I should point out that the original comments I quoted in my post were not made anonymously - I just didn't name any names as I didn't wish to cause that person to receive messages from people defending me. Thank you for all of the comments, regardless of what you said. I have never tried to censor the comments I receive on my blog, or deleted comments I dislike, because I believe everyone is entitled to express their opinion. For those of you who said you don't find me self pitying, thank you. I don't mean to be. And actually I don't consider that I am particularly. Yes, I feel shit, and I will write about that, but I don't think of it in a 'poor me, I feel worse than anyone else' way in the least. I feel shit, that is a fact, and I will write about the feelings I have, because I have been told it is good for me to express how I am feeling in writing, but I don't actually feel sorry for myself - I am actually more likely to assume that things are my fault, for example that if I am not receiving as much support as I feel I need, that it is my fault for not asking properly or something. I do try and take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings when I can. But I can also see that talking about how I feel all the time can come across as self indulgent etc. But surely that is what blogs are for? This is a place for me to express how I feel and what I am thinking, and by nature that is self indulgent, but that is why this blog exists. But I do appreciate all of those of you who showed concern and cared enough to post. Lexie, thank you for your comments. I just wanted to say regarding the second, although I have a BPD diagnosis in that I meet the criteria, I have been told by multiple professionals that I am not a 'typical' Borderline - I am not attention seeking - if I wanted attention I know exactly how I could get it, and I do not do those things. This is very much a depressive episode, and L agrees with that, and I believe that overall the depression is the primary problem rather than the BPD. I am not saying anything for attention. I don't feel like I get ignored when things are going well, and in terms of treatment from professionals, I actually get less support when I am feeling like this than when I am able to work more productively towards recovery, so feeling like this is certainly not a way of trying to get attention, and is not a trait of BPD that any professional has ever claimed I display. I am not sure if there are one or two anonymous posters, so I will reply to the actual comments. First anonymous comment, I want to address a couple of points you made. You said 'This you can’t go out for a walk or eat is crap. You are fucking depressed not dying of a serious illness. You have a pair of legs, arms and the ability to get up and go for a walk.' At no point did I say I was physically unable to eat or walk. But actually, you can be stopped from doing things as a result of mental health problems just as you can be stopped from doing things as a result of physical health problems. As I explained, I have problems with anxiety, which makes going for walks very difficult. And I have an eating disorder, which makes eating regularly very difficult. You said you have been reading for a long time, but I am slightly confused by that, as several things you said would imply you know very little about me. My parents do not, to my knowledge, know about this blog. The disclaimer at the top is there in case they happen to find it. If you read back a couple of weeks you will see I talked to them about how bad I am feeling, so they are aware of that though. If you think what I write is garbage and attention seeking though, please just don't read. And please, please don't be rude to other commenters on my blog. My Black Fog is a lovely, caring person, and I thought your comments to her were rude and upsetting - she is struggling enough with her own problems, and I appreciate that she even takes the time to comment on my blog, but calling her a 'jumped up little turd' was rude and uncalled for. To both the first and second anonymous comments, hospital is not an option, because my care coordinator does not believe it is helpful. That is not my decision. I do not have the option of having myself admitted to hospital because I am feeling suicidal, as it doesn't work like that. I have told literally everyone - my GP, the crisis team when they would see me, and L how I feel. It makes no difference. For some reason I am unable to get any help. I am not writing here in the hope that someone who knows me will contact anyone on my behalf, as I have already told all the professionals involved in my care exactly how I feel, and it has made no difference. Friends have in fact offered to do so, but if the professionals aren't taking any notice of me, I very much doubt they will take any notice of my friends either. I have tried so, so hard over the last few weeks to get help, and it hasn't happened, and that has left me feeling utterly alone and hopeless. Some see that as being self pitying evidently, but I have been fighting as hard as I can, to get through the thoughts, and to speak to someone who may be able to help me, but it hasn't made any difference. But if you read my posts over the last few weeks you will see that I have tried desperately hard to get help, despite not always feeling like I want it.
If you find my writing self pitying, irritating, garbage, etc etc, I am now going to go on and write more of what you will probably consider drivel, so I would probably suggest you stop reading now.
My appointment this afternoon felt really quite hideous. I don't know what to say about it. It was much as I expected it to be really. L started by asking how I was, although obviously she knew from speaking to her yesterday that things are not good. She asked me to rate my mood from 1 - 10, which was interesting, as although many people have asked me to do that before, she never has. She said based on how I was feeling right then, if 1 was feeling normal, ok, etc, and 10 was the worst I have ever felt, how was I feeling. I said a 9 or a 10, and she said to pick one, and so I said 9, as although I was feeling hideous, there have been points in the last few days and weeks when I have felt even more desperate, so they would be the 10s. But overall I would rate this whole episode as a 10 - it is equally as bad as I have ever felt, possibly more so. She asked what I wanted, and I said not to feel like this. She agreed with that, and asked how I thought that could happen. I knew it would frustrate her so I was hesitant about answering, but I said that it felt like the only way I could stop feeling like this was by killing myself. She said that she didn't want to talk about suicidal thoughts as there was no mileage in it and it wouldn't help or get me anywhere. She said their job is not about preventing suicide, and that it is very rare they will actually take any steps to try and stop someone killing themselves, and that there was no point in talking about it. I said that I knew that, but she had asked me, and so I was just telling her my honest response. She said she is finding it difficult because she feels like I want to die more than I want to get better at the moment, which I explained is certainly true some of the time, but at other times I really want to get better but just don't feel able to. She talked again about what she had said on the phone yesterday - that I needed to get some routine in my life, and work on getting my sleep pattern sorted, and eating regularly, and finding things to occupy me and that I could look forward to. I said that I agreed I needed more structure, and that if I was in a slightly better place than I am now then I definitely think that would be the way forward, but at the moment I was finding such small things, like getting up to go to the toilet, and getting dressed, enormous mountains, that just took all my energy. I also explained that I was finding it impossible to distract myself at the moment - that I had tried everything I could think of, but nothing helped, but she said she didn't believe nothing helped. She asked if I was saying I couldn't do it, and I said that at the moment I didn't see how I could, when such small things were so exhausting, but that I could see that was what was needed. I can't remember exactly what was said - she talked a lot, but essentially what she was saying was that I needed to make a decision between doing what she was saying, and being discharged, and if I couldn't do what she was saying then she would discharge me. She sat talking about planning activities and I just had sheer panic going through my head, and I honestly don't feel able to do what I am being asked to do at the moment without any support, but I couldn't say that because it would result in me being kicked out of mental health services, which she reminded me would also mean I would no longer be on the waiting list to see the psychologist, which she thought would be a 'shame' as that could help. I found during my appointment that the suicidal thoughts were getting stronger and stronger, as I am feeling so awful, and feel desperately like I need help, but am being told that the only way I can continue to receive help (fortnightly sessions) is by doing things that I just can't do whilst I am feeling this bad. I couldn't be feeling more desperate or hopeless - I have tried so hard to get help, but it is not forthcoming, and I can't do this on my own at the moment. L spent about 45 minutes with me, rather than the hour to hour and a half that she normally spends with me, made an appointment to see me in a fortnight, and said she expected me to have made a decision and thought about what I could do by then. After feeling very numb and blank all session, I burst into tears at the end, and she opened the door and said goodbye. I went and sat in the most private place in the waiting room, where nobody would see me, and just cried for a while, as I couldn't face leaving the building so upset, and I was just feeling so desperate. I have tried so hard to get help, as I really feel like that is the only way I can get through this, but it hasn't worked. I genuinely do understand what she is saying I need to do, but I do not understand how she is expecting me to do it, feeling like this, with no help or support. If she had said I needed to do that, helped me come up with exactly what I needed to do, and arranged some type of support to help me do it, for example seeing the crisis team for a little while to help get things on track, then that would have been an entirely different matter. But just to be told I have to structure my days, on my own, with no help, and with no support for another two weeks, when I am feeling so exhausted and depressed that just getting out of bed is an immense struggle just feels impossible. To be honest I wish that I had listened to my instincts yesterday and not gone to the appointment today. I didn't think it could make me feel worse or more desperate, but it has.
If you find my writing self pitying, irritating, garbage, etc etc, I am now going to go on and write more of what you will probably consider drivel, so I would probably suggest you stop reading now.
My appointment this afternoon felt really quite hideous. I don't know what to say about it. It was much as I expected it to be really. L started by asking how I was, although obviously she knew from speaking to her yesterday that things are not good. She asked me to rate my mood from 1 - 10, which was interesting, as although many people have asked me to do that before, she never has. She said based on how I was feeling right then, if 1 was feeling normal, ok, etc, and 10 was the worst I have ever felt, how was I feeling. I said a 9 or a 10, and she said to pick one, and so I said 9, as although I was feeling hideous, there have been points in the last few days and weeks when I have felt even more desperate, so they would be the 10s. But overall I would rate this whole episode as a 10 - it is equally as bad as I have ever felt, possibly more so. She asked what I wanted, and I said not to feel like this. She agreed with that, and asked how I thought that could happen. I knew it would frustrate her so I was hesitant about answering, but I said that it felt like the only way I could stop feeling like this was by killing myself. She said that she didn't want to talk about suicidal thoughts as there was no mileage in it and it wouldn't help or get me anywhere. She said their job is not about preventing suicide, and that it is very rare they will actually take any steps to try and stop someone killing themselves, and that there was no point in talking about it. I said that I knew that, but she had asked me, and so I was just telling her my honest response. She said she is finding it difficult because she feels like I want to die more than I want to get better at the moment, which I explained is certainly true some of the time, but at other times I really want to get better but just don't feel able to. She talked again about what she had said on the phone yesterday - that I needed to get some routine in my life, and work on getting my sleep pattern sorted, and eating regularly, and finding things to occupy me and that I could look forward to. I said that I agreed I needed more structure, and that if I was in a slightly better place than I am now then I definitely think that would be the way forward, but at the moment I was finding such small things, like getting up to go to the toilet, and getting dressed, enormous mountains, that just took all my energy. I also explained that I was finding it impossible to distract myself at the moment - that I had tried everything I could think of, but nothing helped, but she said she didn't believe nothing helped. She asked if I was saying I couldn't do it, and I said that at the moment I didn't see how I could, when such small things were so exhausting, but that I could see that was what was needed. I can't remember exactly what was said - she talked a lot, but essentially what she was saying was that I needed to make a decision between doing what she was saying, and being discharged, and if I couldn't do what she was saying then she would discharge me. She sat talking about planning activities and I just had sheer panic going through my head, and I honestly don't feel able to do what I am being asked to do at the moment without any support, but I couldn't say that because it would result in me being kicked out of mental health services, which she reminded me would also mean I would no longer be on the waiting list to see the psychologist, which she thought would be a 'shame' as that could help. I found during my appointment that the suicidal thoughts were getting stronger and stronger, as I am feeling so awful, and feel desperately like I need help, but am being told that the only way I can continue to receive help (fortnightly sessions) is by doing things that I just can't do whilst I am feeling this bad. I couldn't be feeling more desperate or hopeless - I have tried so hard to get help, but it is not forthcoming, and I can't do this on my own at the moment. L spent about 45 minutes with me, rather than the hour to hour and a half that she normally spends with me, made an appointment to see me in a fortnight, and said she expected me to have made a decision and thought about what I could do by then. After feeling very numb and blank all session, I burst into tears at the end, and she opened the door and said goodbye. I went and sat in the most private place in the waiting room, where nobody would see me, and just cried for a while, as I couldn't face leaving the building so upset, and I was just feeling so desperate. I have tried so hard to get help, as I really feel like that is the only way I can get through this, but it hasn't worked. I genuinely do understand what she is saying I need to do, but I do not understand how she is expecting me to do it, feeling like this, with no help or support. If she had said I needed to do that, helped me come up with exactly what I needed to do, and arranged some type of support to help me do it, for example seeing the crisis team for a little while to help get things on track, then that would have been an entirely different matter. But just to be told I have to structure my days, on my own, with no help, and with no support for another two weeks, when I am feeling so exhausted and depressed that just getting out of bed is an immense struggle just feels impossible. To be honest I wish that I had listened to my instincts yesterday and not gone to the appointment today. I didn't think it could make me feel worse or more desperate, but it has.
Hurt
So I have my appointment with L later. I am not feeling remotely positive about it. I can't see an outcome that could improve things or make me feel any more positive about anything. I feel like it is going to be a difficult appointment for both of us - she is going to be frustrated by me because I don't feel able to do simple things like get dressed and go out for walks daily, and eat regular meals, and improve my sleep, and I am going to feel useless because I can't do any of those things, and frustrated with myself for being so pathetic, and with her for not being able to do more, which I know is unfair, but I just feel so horrible. I seriously considered not going to the appointment. Not just not turning up, because I don't do that, but cancelling - I am not sure whether for her sake or mine, or both. I did actually send her an email in the afternoon to that effect, saying that I was concerned it would be frustrating as she would want me to do things that I don't feel able to do, and I didn't want to make things tense, or to frustrate her, or make me feel worse. She replied that she thought we should talk about the options, and so would be happier if I kept the appointment, so I will go. I am worried, and I think not without reason, that she is going to stop seeing me. She talked last time about how if I am feeling this bad she obviously isn't helping, and maybe she is either taking a wrong approach, or she is the wrong person to be working with me at the moment. I have a strong suspicion that she may suggest we either take a break from sessions, or that she will pass me to another member of the team. I know I must be immensely frustrating at the moment, and based on the last time I saw her I just wouldn't be surprised if something like that happens. I will just have to see what happens I suppose, but I really won't be shocked if something along those lines does come up, particularly given what she said about talking about the options, as I am unsure as to what else she could mean by that. I feel like I am letting her down at the moment by not being able to do the things she wants me to.
It has been yet another difficult night. It begun by me getting a bit upset by some comments I received regarding this blog. I was told amongst other things "Sorry Bip but your self-pity and self indulgence is starting to grate. And, 'Madospherites', i do know what I'm talking about (more than most of you cyan imagine) don't come back at me with self-indulgent drivel." I was quite hurt to be honest. I suppose it touched too close to home to what I worry people will think of me, and what I think the professionals might be thinking of me. The thing with this blog is that although I do really appreciate all of the comments and support I receive through it, I write it for me. I write it because I am encouraged to write about my feelings and thoughts, as it helps me, and I like using blogging to do that because it allows me to connect with others. I don't write in order to garner sympathy or pity. I write whatever I am thinking at the time. But to be honest this has made me consider taking a blogging hiatus, at least whilst this particularly bad episode persists. Although I would continue to write, as I need to do that for me, I may not publish anything for a while, although I will see how I feel. I never wanted my blog to turn into one long moan, and essentially it has, and I don't want people to think of me as a continuously negative person who just whines non stop. I do not want people to reassure me regarding this because they don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me how dull and whiny I am, I honestly don't. So I am considering a blogging break. I will post later to say what happens with L, but I will see how I feel after that. If I continue to write, and you do think I am whiny and need to get over myself, please just stop reading. I don't want anyone to read out of a sense of obligation. If you are a friend and feel like you should read so you know what is going on in my life, but find my writing grates, then just stop - I honestly don't mind. This is primarily for me, and whilst I have met some fantastic people through this blog, who I now consider friends, I don't want anyone to read if they don't want to.
I really am fully aware that I am difficult and frustrating at the moment, probably to professionals and friends alike. I appear to be in an incredibly deep depression, that is certainly amongst the worst I have ever experienced, if not the worst, and despite time passing, it isn't easing at all. If anything, I seem to be feeling increasingly hopeless. I suppose it could be seen as fortunate that things have been as bad as they have. I have had so little energy and felt so terrible that the vast majority of my time seems to be spent either asleep (although I am not getting much sleep), just lying in bed feeling paralysed and so completely unable to do anything, or just somehow disappearing without me even really realising it - I suppose through dissociation. It literally sometimes takes me an hour or two to manage to get myself out of bed when I need the toilet (although I was also told "No-one is literally unable to get out of bed unless they are physically disabled"). I have no appetite most of the time, although I am forcing myself to eat anyway, although not regularly. To be honest, I feel almost certain that if I had slightly more energy I would have attempted to kill myself by now, but despite the thoughts constantly churning around in my head, I just feel too exhausted to act on them. It always strikes me as somewhat ironic that you can be too depressed to kill yourself. Plus I have genuinely been trying to get by for the sake of those who care about me, despite not wanting to, and so I have been putting whatever energy I have been able to find into asking for help when I feel like I need it, although it has proven to be fairly futile on the whole, writing here to try and clear my head, and trying not to cut myself off from people completely, which is certainly tempting when I feel like this. I have been making a lot of effort, although it evidently doesn't appear that way to some people, but I know how I feel, I know the thoughts I am having to contend with on a daily basis, and I know how desperate I am, and how strongly I feel I don't want to be here, and although that may mean I am coming across as self pitying and self indulgent, (and perhaps I am these things) I am doing absolutely everything I feel able to do at the moment. I am still alive, and although I think that is largely due to the extent of my depression, I suppose I have to view it as an achievement, despite it not feeling like one.
So where from here? I don't know right now. I suppose I go to my appointment this afternoon with L, and try to be honest about my feelings, despite knowing it isn't what she wants to hear. And then, who knows? I will blog following my appointment, which to be perfectly honest I am already dreading, and after that I will make a decision about whether I want to continue to blog at the moment or not. And life generally I guess. Que sera, sera.
It has been yet another difficult night. It begun by me getting a bit upset by some comments I received regarding this blog. I was told amongst other things "Sorry Bip but your self-pity and self indulgence is starting to grate. And, 'Madospherites', i do know what I'm talking about (more than most of you cyan imagine) don't come back at me with self-indulgent drivel." I was quite hurt to be honest. I suppose it touched too close to home to what I worry people will think of me, and what I think the professionals might be thinking of me. The thing with this blog is that although I do really appreciate all of the comments and support I receive through it, I write it for me. I write it because I am encouraged to write about my feelings and thoughts, as it helps me, and I like using blogging to do that because it allows me to connect with others. I don't write in order to garner sympathy or pity. I write whatever I am thinking at the time. But to be honest this has made me consider taking a blogging hiatus, at least whilst this particularly bad episode persists. Although I would continue to write, as I need to do that for me, I may not publish anything for a while, although I will see how I feel. I never wanted my blog to turn into one long moan, and essentially it has, and I don't want people to think of me as a continuously negative person who just whines non stop. I do not want people to reassure me regarding this because they don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me how dull and whiny I am, I honestly don't. So I am considering a blogging break. I will post later to say what happens with L, but I will see how I feel after that. If I continue to write, and you do think I am whiny and need to get over myself, please just stop reading. I don't want anyone to read out of a sense of obligation. If you are a friend and feel like you should read so you know what is going on in my life, but find my writing grates, then just stop - I honestly don't mind. This is primarily for me, and whilst I have met some fantastic people through this blog, who I now consider friends, I don't want anyone to read if they don't want to.
I really am fully aware that I am difficult and frustrating at the moment, probably to professionals and friends alike. I appear to be in an incredibly deep depression, that is certainly amongst the worst I have ever experienced, if not the worst, and despite time passing, it isn't easing at all. If anything, I seem to be feeling increasingly hopeless. I suppose it could be seen as fortunate that things have been as bad as they have. I have had so little energy and felt so terrible that the vast majority of my time seems to be spent either asleep (although I am not getting much sleep), just lying in bed feeling paralysed and so completely unable to do anything, or just somehow disappearing without me even really realising it - I suppose through dissociation. It literally sometimes takes me an hour or two to manage to get myself out of bed when I need the toilet (although I was also told "No-one is literally unable to get out of bed unless they are physically disabled"). I have no appetite most of the time, although I am forcing myself to eat anyway, although not regularly. To be honest, I feel almost certain that if I had slightly more energy I would have attempted to kill myself by now, but despite the thoughts constantly churning around in my head, I just feel too exhausted to act on them. It always strikes me as somewhat ironic that you can be too depressed to kill yourself. Plus I have genuinely been trying to get by for the sake of those who care about me, despite not wanting to, and so I have been putting whatever energy I have been able to find into asking for help when I feel like I need it, although it has proven to be fairly futile on the whole, writing here to try and clear my head, and trying not to cut myself off from people completely, which is certainly tempting when I feel like this. I have been making a lot of effort, although it evidently doesn't appear that way to some people, but I know how I feel, I know the thoughts I am having to contend with on a daily basis, and I know how desperate I am, and how strongly I feel I don't want to be here, and although that may mean I am coming across as self pitying and self indulgent, (and perhaps I am these things) I am doing absolutely everything I feel able to do at the moment. I am still alive, and although I think that is largely due to the extent of my depression, I suppose I have to view it as an achievement, despite it not feeling like one.
So where from here? I don't know right now. I suppose I go to my appointment this afternoon with L, and try to be honest about my feelings, despite knowing it isn't what she wants to hear. And then, who knows? I will blog following my appointment, which to be perfectly honest I am already dreading, and after that I will make a decision about whether I want to continue to blog at the moment or not. And life generally I guess. Que sera, sera.
Sunday, 2 January 2011
Shiny thing of shininess
I am rather late with this, but it is time to display and show off about my shiny thing of shininess, as awarded by Mental Nurse. I won this in the annual TWIM awards, for being runner up in Best Personality Disorder Blog. I was amazed to receive so many nominations, particularly given that I am in the same category as Pandora, who is the author of what is, in my opinion, one of the best mental health blogs around, and who rightfully won the category. I am always shocked that people even read the drivel that I write on here, as essentially I just come on here to brain fart - I don't have a wonderfully articulate, well written, thought through blog like lots of other people do, and even after writing it for a year it still surprises me that people make the effort to comment on what I write, and the nominations I received for the TWIM awards were even more surprising. So thank you to everyone who voted, and thank you to everyone who comments or reads - it all means a lot to me. Congratulations to all of the other winners in all of the categories - many of my favourite blogs scooped awards, and lots of others received nominations - there is a full list of winners here for anyone who wants to check out some of the other brilliant blogs.
As I said recently my blog, and the rest of the Madosphere, has come to mean a lot to me over the last year, and has been one of my biggest sources of support, so thank you for that. I genuinely don't know where I would be without all of the support I get from this blog, and people I have met through writing it. Winning an award for something that has helped me so much almost feels wrong, as I write for entirely selfish means, but I appreciate it very much.
As I said recently my blog, and the rest of the Madosphere, has come to mean a lot to me over the last year, and has been one of my biggest sources of support, so thank you for that. I genuinely don't know where I would be without all of the support I get from this blog, and people I have met through writing it. Winning an award for something that has helped me so much almost feels wrong, as I write for entirely selfish means, but I appreciate it very much.
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Happy Birthday Blog!
Today is my blog's 1st Birthday! I would really like to thank everyone who has read and commented over the last year. Starting this blog was one of the best decisions I have made in recent years - I have met so many really incredible people, and I am so thankful to know all of you. I would never have dreamed when I started this blog a year ago, just as a place for me to write about how I was feeling, that I would get so many readers, and that I would end up feeling so close to my fellow bloggers. So thank you all very much for your support over the last year - I genuinely have no idea where I would be if it wasn't for all of the support and understanding I have received from readers of this blog, both here on the blog, and on Twitter, Facebook, and via email and MSN - people staying up half the night to support me through bad times by talking to me, or leaving me comments, or just checking in on me when things haven't been great. It really does mean more than I can say, and whilst it sounds somewhat melodramatic to say I don't know where I would be without it, I really don't. This really has turned into one of my main sources of support, or at least the people I have met via it has, and there are definitely times I don't know if I would have managed to get through without the support. I couldn't wish for a more caring and compassionate online support network, and you all mean so much to me. Thank you so much for everything.
Saturday, 18 December 2010
Still here
So I am staying put until further notice, but am in the process of moving. Deciding on a name is surprisingly difficult. Obviously I have become known in the blogosphere as Bippidee, but I feel like I am going to need to change that even if I do move to WP, which is the current plan. Unfortunately, the only other name I have thought of so far has a rather unfortunate shortening, which is what I would end up being called all the time. Hmph. When I do move I will make sure that anyone who wants to follow me to the new blog can do so.
So what with all the posts about my childhood, and then the identity crisis yesterday I seem to have been neglecting day to day stuff somewhat. I am not sure how I have been doing. I am, without a doubt, better than I was a few weeks ago, but naturally I am still not feeling great. I am slightly confused by my sleep lately. I have always needed about 10 hours sleep ideally, to wake up and not feel tired and stay reasonably alert the whole day. I used to end up napping every afternoon, virtually without fail, even if I had slept ok the night before, but definitely if I had got less than 8 hours sleep. But there have been several days lately when I have only had a few hours, and yet after the inital pain of dragging myself out of bed, have been surprisingly alert all day, and still not been able to sleep that night. Thursday was an example of this. I only got 4 hours sleep, which is nowhere near enough for me, and yet I stayed awake all day, no naps, was pretty awake and alert, and still couldn't get to sleep before 5am. There is surely something wrong with that? I should have been exhausted and been able to get an early night, but I didn't get to sleep any earlier than I would have if I hadn't woken up until the afternoon, and had 9 hours sleep. I was out for a lot of the day too, which should have made me even more tired. And I never nap anymore. I am always tired, but my ability to sleep properly seems to have disappeared.
I am singing in a carol concert on Sunday, just as part of the choir. Well, it is just the choir and silver band. I realised at the rehearsal tonight that I don't have a bloody clue how the descant goes for While Shepherd Watched, which is slightly problematic, and I have no idea how that happened. I have sung in so many carol concerts/services, and I know all of the descants really well, but I actually don't think I have ever sung that one before, but I don't see how that could be possible when I have sung in carol concerts for 12 years. Although the audience can never hear the descants properly anyway, as by the time you have a full choir, organ, silver band, and all the congregation singing, I think the descant gets somewhat lost. Someone had the bloody brilliant idea of making Twelve Days of Christmas a song that everyone sings, ie audience too. I have no idea what they were thinking. The arrangement that we use is very much a choir version - all the voice types sing different days etc, and the tempo changes loads - at one point it gets really fast, and one of the other sopranos pointed out that there is no bloody way they will keep up with that, and it will end up sounding like we are singing it in a round. Bloody ridiculous idea. I always get bored of that song after about 5 days anyway - I am sure the other 7 are unnecessary. Or we could just start with 12 rather than 1? The Hallelujah Chorus goes on rather as well, although I probably shouldn't say that. And I can never sing For Unto Us properly. I cheat. I can do it slowly, but then when it gets up to speed I just can't fit all those notes in. I am not really a classical singer, I am a musical theatre singer - The Messiah is a bit much for me really!
Christmas. Hmmm. I still have shopping to do. I have actually done most of it online, but I need to go to the shops to buy things for my mum - the things I wanted to get for her weren't things I particularly wanted to buy online. And then I need to get something for one of my nephews, but I know what and where to get it, and something small for one of my nieces to go with things I have already got for her, and a few boxes of chocolates for various people, and then I will be finished. I have stopped buying for siblings, since they all have children now, so I just buy for the children, although I haven't bought for my eldest nephew this year for the first time, because he is 19, works full time, and has far more disposable income than I do, but has never bought for me, despite me buying for him every year. It is a bit weird, because I am his aunt, but he is only 5 years younger than me. So I have always bought him presents because he is my nephew, but it is kind of weird because he is so close to me in age, and now that he is working full time and I am on benefits it just seems a bit ridiculous to be spending money on him really. So that just leaves his younger brother, my sister's 2 boys, and my brother's daughter, and step daughter and step son. And my parents of course. If I get time/inclination I might try and make some fudge or something for siblings and their partners, but it was getting too expensive buying for all of them and all of the children - even just with my parents and nephews/nieces I had 8 people to buy for, and it would have been 9 if I had bought for eldest nephew. Oh, and I buy something for my dog.... I wouldn't actually mind buying for my sisters in law - they are both easy to buy for, and I quite like buying presents for people who are easy to buy for, but my sister (who still isn't speaking to me) is a nightmare to buy for, and so are my brothers and brother in law. I haven't started my wrapping yet. Wrapping takes me forever. I am a real perfectionist with my wrapping - I will take ages deciding which paper to use, and which ribbon and label to put with it etc, and then ages making it look pretty. Takes bloody hours, particularly given that I also always have to wrap everything that my dad buys for my mum, a) because he doesn't have time, b) because he can't be bothered, and c) because he doesn't make it look pretty - he just wraps with paper, and my mum really loves prettily wrapped presents with bows and ribbons and things. So I have to do it for him. I tend to get all my presents and find cheesy Christmas films on TV and wrap it all whilst watching them.
We went and bought our Christmas Tree on Tuesday. It isn't really what I wanted - it is a bit small. But the place we went to weren't going to be getting any more in, and it was a nicer shape than the bigger ones. We then tried a couple more places, but one didn't have any, and the other only had 3 left, and 1 was enormous, and 2 were tiny, so we just went back and got the first one. We will put it up this weekend. We will stand it on a box. That will make it look bigger, and keep it out of reach of the animals, which is always a bonus. My old cat will love us putting the tree up. It is his favourite day of the year. He gets ridiculously excited and starts playing with tinsel and baubles etc like a little kitten, despite now being 15. The other cat never plays. The dog will be excited, but the dog is always excited. I don't buy presents for the cats, but I always buy for him, because he will unwrap them himself and it makes me laugh to watch him. I am trying to think about the positive things about Christmas rather than the things I find stressful, although it is hard. New Year will be worse, because it always is. I hate New Year so much. It makes me feel like such a failure, and I find it incredibly difficult to get through without resorting to self harming behaviours. I tend to end up in a complete state crying hysterically and saying that I want to die. Which I do, but I can usually keep it hidden, but for some reason I just completely break down on New Year's Eve. I am already dreading it.
So what with all the posts about my childhood, and then the identity crisis yesterday I seem to have been neglecting day to day stuff somewhat. I am not sure how I have been doing. I am, without a doubt, better than I was a few weeks ago, but naturally I am still not feeling great. I am slightly confused by my sleep lately. I have always needed about 10 hours sleep ideally, to wake up and not feel tired and stay reasonably alert the whole day. I used to end up napping every afternoon, virtually without fail, even if I had slept ok the night before, but definitely if I had got less than 8 hours sleep. But there have been several days lately when I have only had a few hours, and yet after the inital pain of dragging myself out of bed, have been surprisingly alert all day, and still not been able to sleep that night. Thursday was an example of this. I only got 4 hours sleep, which is nowhere near enough for me, and yet I stayed awake all day, no naps, was pretty awake and alert, and still couldn't get to sleep before 5am. There is surely something wrong with that? I should have been exhausted and been able to get an early night, but I didn't get to sleep any earlier than I would have if I hadn't woken up until the afternoon, and had 9 hours sleep. I was out for a lot of the day too, which should have made me even more tired. And I never nap anymore. I am always tired, but my ability to sleep properly seems to have disappeared.
I am singing in a carol concert on Sunday, just as part of the choir. Well, it is just the choir and silver band. I realised at the rehearsal tonight that I don't have a bloody clue how the descant goes for While Shepherd Watched, which is slightly problematic, and I have no idea how that happened. I have sung in so many carol concerts/services, and I know all of the descants really well, but I actually don't think I have ever sung that one before, but I don't see how that could be possible when I have sung in carol concerts for 12 years. Although the audience can never hear the descants properly anyway, as by the time you have a full choir, organ, silver band, and all the congregation singing, I think the descant gets somewhat lost. Someone had the bloody brilliant idea of making Twelve Days of Christmas a song that everyone sings, ie audience too. I have no idea what they were thinking. The arrangement that we use is very much a choir version - all the voice types sing different days etc, and the tempo changes loads - at one point it gets really fast, and one of the other sopranos pointed out that there is no bloody way they will keep up with that, and it will end up sounding like we are singing it in a round. Bloody ridiculous idea. I always get bored of that song after about 5 days anyway - I am sure the other 7 are unnecessary. Or we could just start with 12 rather than 1? The Hallelujah Chorus goes on rather as well, although I probably shouldn't say that. And I can never sing For Unto Us properly. I cheat. I can do it slowly, but then when it gets up to speed I just can't fit all those notes in. I am not really a classical singer, I am a musical theatre singer - The Messiah is a bit much for me really!
Christmas. Hmmm. I still have shopping to do. I have actually done most of it online, but I need to go to the shops to buy things for my mum - the things I wanted to get for her weren't things I particularly wanted to buy online. And then I need to get something for one of my nephews, but I know what and where to get it, and something small for one of my nieces to go with things I have already got for her, and a few boxes of chocolates for various people, and then I will be finished. I have stopped buying for siblings, since they all have children now, so I just buy for the children, although I haven't bought for my eldest nephew this year for the first time, because he is 19, works full time, and has far more disposable income than I do, but has never bought for me, despite me buying for him every year. It is a bit weird, because I am his aunt, but he is only 5 years younger than me. So I have always bought him presents because he is my nephew, but it is kind of weird because he is so close to me in age, and now that he is working full time and I am on benefits it just seems a bit ridiculous to be spending money on him really. So that just leaves his younger brother, my sister's 2 boys, and my brother's daughter, and step daughter and step son. And my parents of course. If I get time/inclination I might try and make some fudge or something for siblings and their partners, but it was getting too expensive buying for all of them and all of the children - even just with my parents and nephews/nieces I had 8 people to buy for, and it would have been 9 if I had bought for eldest nephew. Oh, and I buy something for my dog.... I wouldn't actually mind buying for my sisters in law - they are both easy to buy for, and I quite like buying presents for people who are easy to buy for, but my sister (who still isn't speaking to me) is a nightmare to buy for, and so are my brothers and brother in law. I haven't started my wrapping yet. Wrapping takes me forever. I am a real perfectionist with my wrapping - I will take ages deciding which paper to use, and which ribbon and label to put with it etc, and then ages making it look pretty. Takes bloody hours, particularly given that I also always have to wrap everything that my dad buys for my mum, a) because he doesn't have time, b) because he can't be bothered, and c) because he doesn't make it look pretty - he just wraps with paper, and my mum really loves prettily wrapped presents with bows and ribbons and things. So I have to do it for him. I tend to get all my presents and find cheesy Christmas films on TV and wrap it all whilst watching them.
We went and bought our Christmas Tree on Tuesday. It isn't really what I wanted - it is a bit small. But the place we went to weren't going to be getting any more in, and it was a nicer shape than the bigger ones. We then tried a couple more places, but one didn't have any, and the other only had 3 left, and 1 was enormous, and 2 were tiny, so we just went back and got the first one. We will put it up this weekend. We will stand it on a box. That will make it look bigger, and keep it out of reach of the animals, which is always a bonus. My old cat will love us putting the tree up. It is his favourite day of the year. He gets ridiculously excited and starts playing with tinsel and baubles etc like a little kitten, despite now being 15. The other cat never plays. The dog will be excited, but the dog is always excited. I don't buy presents for the cats, but I always buy for him, because he will unwrap them himself and it makes me laugh to watch him. I am trying to think about the positive things about Christmas rather than the things I find stressful, although it is hard. New Year will be worse, because it always is. I hate New Year so much. It makes me feel like such a failure, and I find it incredibly difficult to get through without resorting to self harming behaviours. I tend to end up in a complete state crying hysterically and saying that I want to die. Which I do, but I can usually keep it hidden, but for some reason I just completely break down on New Year's Eve. I am already dreading it.
Friday, 17 December 2010
Goodbye Bippidee?
I don't bloody know what to do. I really don't want to make my blog password protected or invite only, because I have met so many great bloggers, and want to continue to do so, and think that invite only/password protection puts up a big barrier up in that respect. I considered starting a blog with a new title and URL on WordPress, and still posting under the name Bippidee, but then realised anyone googling Bippidee could still find it if I did that. So essentially I am looking at having to start completely from scratch, and it is going to be a fucking nightmare. My email address, my Twitter, and my Facebook are all Bippidee. A new account means replacing all of those as well, or I would have the same problem with Google. Well, not the email address, but I would want my email address to match everything else because I am neurotic like that. Also, I would want to export this blog to the new account, because I don't want to lose everything I have written in the past year, but again, there are posts that mention Bippidee, or comments to Bippidee, and so Google would still be a problem. But I don't want to just dispose of my last year of posts. I also considered setting up another account on Blogspot, making that account co-admin of this blog, then changing the URL and Blog Title, then deleting the Bippidee admin from admin. But either way means getting rid of Bippidee, and ridiculous as it sounds I am really reluctant to do that. It is what I have been known as in the Madosphere for the past year now. I have an identity linked to it. And I feel like changing the name will somehow make me lose that, and that is sad. I don't see how I can keep my blog going, even by exporting it to a difference account, without starting completely afresh, and that is the last thing I want to do.
I am so fucking angry. I actually cannot convey how upset I am about this whole thing. I feel stupid for saying that, because it is just a blog, but it has got me through so much, or at least the people who read it have, and it truly has been a lifeline this past year. And I have invested so many hours in it. And because of a fucking ridiculous printer, which I desperately want to go and smash up, I could lose all that, and that is just shit. I know I can tell people where I am going and start again, but that isn't the point. This is my home, and I have no option to leave it, but I can't leave behind all my posts because they represent the last year of my life, and a lot more actually. Why oh why did I think I needed to print a stupid bloody shopping list?? If I hadn't tried to do that then we wouldn't be in this situation. Or of course if I had a printer that printed what you told it to (and there is absolutely no doubt I told it to print the right thing) rather than just printing any random page you happen to have open at the time. I am feeling really upset.
I wish I could just trust my parents not to look at it, but I can't. I think if I explained I didn't want them to see then they might respect that wish now, but if it got to a point when they thought I was doing badly, and they knew there was somewhere I would have written about it, then I don't think they would be able to resist looking. If I thought someone I careed about, who had a history of suicidal attempts and hospitalisations for suicidal thoughts, might be suicidal and I had a way of checking that then I think I would, even if it was going against their wishes and invading their privacy, because I wouldn't forgive myself if they went on to do something and I hadn't looked. So whilst I would like to think they would respect my privacy and not look, I think that there would inevitably be occasions when they would, and I can understand that, which is why I need to remove temptation so that it isn't an option. But it is bloody hard to work out a way of doing that, without losing everything I have written in the last year - everything that has made my blog what it is. I am so upset.
I am so fucking angry. I actually cannot convey how upset I am about this whole thing. I feel stupid for saying that, because it is just a blog, but it has got me through so much, or at least the people who read it have, and it truly has been a lifeline this past year. And I have invested so many hours in it. And because of a fucking ridiculous printer, which I desperately want to go and smash up, I could lose all that, and that is just shit. I know I can tell people where I am going and start again, but that isn't the point. This is my home, and I have no option to leave it, but I can't leave behind all my posts because they represent the last year of my life, and a lot more actually. Why oh why did I think I needed to print a stupid bloody shopping list?? If I hadn't tried to do that then we wouldn't be in this situation. Or of course if I had a printer that printed what you told it to (and there is absolutely no doubt I told it to print the right thing) rather than just printing any random page you happen to have open at the time. I am feeling really upset.
I wish I could just trust my parents not to look at it, but I can't. I think if I explained I didn't want them to see then they might respect that wish now, but if it got to a point when they thought I was doing badly, and they knew there was somewhere I would have written about it, then I don't think they would be able to resist looking. If I thought someone I careed about, who had a history of suicidal attempts and hospitalisations for suicidal thoughts, might be suicidal and I had a way of checking that then I think I would, even if it was going against their wishes and invading their privacy, because I wouldn't forgive myself if they went on to do something and I hadn't looked. So whilst I would like to think they would respect my privacy and not look, I think that there would inevitably be occasions when they would, and I can understand that, which is why I need to remove temptation so that it isn't an option. But it is bloody hard to work out a way of doing that, without losing everything I have written in the last year - everything that has made my blog what it is. I am so upset.
Blog at risk
Today has been a complete bloody fuck up of a day. My mum had a hospital appointment at 11 that I had said I would go to with her, as sometimes she misses what is said and forgets things, so it is easier if I go with her so that we know what is going on! Unfortunately it meant leaving the house at 10, and so I had only had about 4 hours sleep. My plan was to then go into town and do some Christmas shopping - I have done as much of it as I can online, but there are some things I need to actually go to the shops for, and so I thought it made sense to go when I was already there, but it didn't happen. I woke up exhausted and feeling like I couldn't be bothered. I then thought that maybe I would, but it was tipping it down with rain, which was offputting. But in the end we didn't finish at the hospital until 2pm, and I decided that was too late to get the bus into town and start shopping, so I came home and need to find some other time to go.
Tonight I had a disaster. Last night I had tried to print my shopping list for today (our printer is meant to print remotely) and told it to print but it didn't work so in the end I cancelled it. All fine. Then this evening, it decides to fucking print, but not what I told it to print last night, which would have been bad enough in that parents would have seen what I was getting them for Christmas. No. It printed my Blog Dashboard. My dad came in with some paper and said this has printed - I assume it is yours. He clearly knew what it was. My parents know that I have a blog, and they know that it is anonymous. He had a blog on Blogger himself for a while, so he would have immediately seen my blog name at the top. Therefore he now knows my blog name, and can easily look it up. He may already have. As soon as he gave me the paper I put the blog into lockdown, but since he is now in bed I will unlock it for a while. I don't know what to do. Blogging has genuinely been a lifeline for me this last year, and whilst I know I could just start a new blog elsewhere, this is like my home. This is where everything is, and my identity is tied up in it. I don't want to have to stop being Bippidee. And if I move I don't know how I will be able to tell everyone who currently reads where I have moved to, without also telling my dad if he chooses to google it. I am just so upset and angry about the whole thing. How can my printer be so fucking useless that it tells me it is printing 'Christmas List 2010', then prints nothing, then 20 hours after cancelling 'Christmas List 2010' it prints my Blog Dashboard?! I just feel really upset and stressed. My blog has helped me a lot, and it has kept me going at times, through the people I have met via it etc, and I just feel so upset that I no longer feel safe to keep posting here. I haven't made a decision about what to do yet. I may relocate, but I don't know how I will let people know where, as I obviously can't say it here. I might have to keep blogging here but password protected or invivte only, which is something I have always wanted to avoid because to a large extent that defeats the purpose for me. There is no good solution in this situation, and I just feel really upset. It has really put me into a complete spin. I feel like I have just lost the only form of support I have other than L, and I don't know what to do.
Tonight I had a disaster. Last night I had tried to print my shopping list for today (our printer is meant to print remotely) and told it to print but it didn't work so in the end I cancelled it. All fine. Then this evening, it decides to fucking print, but not what I told it to print last night, which would have been bad enough in that parents would have seen what I was getting them for Christmas. No. It printed my Blog Dashboard. My dad came in with some paper and said this has printed - I assume it is yours. He clearly knew what it was. My parents know that I have a blog, and they know that it is anonymous. He had a blog on Blogger himself for a while, so he would have immediately seen my blog name at the top. Therefore he now knows my blog name, and can easily look it up. He may already have. As soon as he gave me the paper I put the blog into lockdown, but since he is now in bed I will unlock it for a while. I don't know what to do. Blogging has genuinely been a lifeline for me this last year, and whilst I know I could just start a new blog elsewhere, this is like my home. This is where everything is, and my identity is tied up in it. I don't want to have to stop being Bippidee. And if I move I don't know how I will be able to tell everyone who currently reads where I have moved to, without also telling my dad if he chooses to google it. I am just so upset and angry about the whole thing. How can my printer be so fucking useless that it tells me it is printing 'Christmas List 2010', then prints nothing, then 20 hours after cancelling 'Christmas List 2010' it prints my Blog Dashboard?! I just feel really upset and stressed. My blog has helped me a lot, and it has kept me going at times, through the people I have met via it etc, and I just feel so upset that I no longer feel safe to keep posting here. I haven't made a decision about what to do yet. I may relocate, but I don't know how I will let people know where, as I obviously can't say it here. I might have to keep blogging here but password protected or invivte only, which is something I have always wanted to avoid because to a large extent that defeats the purpose for me. There is no good solution in this situation, and I just feel really upset. It has really put me into a complete spin. I feel like I have just lost the only form of support I have other than L, and I don't know what to do.
Wednesday, 15 December 2010
Nature vs Nurture
Firstly, I just want to thank everyone for all their support on my last few posts about my childhood. I was slightly apprehensive about posting them - I knew I felt like I needed to write about it, but I felt like people would see them and think 'oh whiny, irritating, obnoxious brat who has had no real problems in her life' because I suppose that is how I think of myself. I suppose in my mind if you have experienced trauma of some kind then mental health problems are perfectly understandable - it makes sense that if, for example, you are abused as a child, then you may grow up with some issues. But I have always felt like I have no issues and therefore I am a fraud in some way - that there must actually be nothing wrong with me, and I am making it all up, because if there is no reason for it then it can't exist. Particularly given that one of my diagnoses is BPD, which is almost synonymous with trauma. Of course I know rationally that a) not everyone with BPD has had a traumatic childhood, although it is a large majority according to studies, and b) that not having experienced this does not make my problems any less real. But it is hard to always think rationally about things like this, and deep down I do just feel like a fraud a lot of the time. There have been occasions when I have convinced myself that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, and that I am making it all up, even if I have been feeling desperately suicidal all the time. Sometimes I feel like I need to tell someone that I have been lying for all these years, and wasting all these resources, because actually there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Except there is. And not having a reason for it - not being able to justify why I have these problems and feel the way I do makes it even harder to deal with in some ways, because I feel guilty and weak and confused. Professionals always ask about triggers and what caused things, and when you can't tell them, not because there is something too hard to talk about, but because there actually isn't anything, it does make you feel like you are wasting their time in some way. So thank you very much for all the responses. They meant a lot, and actually felt very validating. At first I have to confess that I wondered if people were taking the piss, because there was all this sympathy coming from people, and I didn't see what there was to be sympathetic about, because there was nothing traumatic in my life - there were a couple of difficult periods, but everyone has them. Pandora, who experienced such real and terrible trauma in her childhood saying 'This is heart-breaking to read' about my childhood, which in many ways was so privileged, and normal, and ostensibly happy, just didn't make sense to me - I didn't understand how she, of all people, didn't just dismiss me as a whiny brat after everything that she has been through. But I realised that these comments were coming from people I trust, and who would have no reason not to be genuine in their response, and so I tried to take them at face value. Which was hard, but I do believe that they were meant, even if I don't understand why, and I want to thank you all for that.
I think talking it all over with L has helped too. I saw her yesterday. Although I usually send her pretty much everything I write between sessions, I hesitated over sending this. It felt like such a trivial thing to have written so many thousands of words about, and obviously she knows a lot of what happened in my childhood anyway, both from my notes, and from what I have told her before. Plus it just felt too much like navel gazing. So I debated with myself about whether or not to send it, and in the end decided I would, but to point out that it probably wouldn't be of any relevance, and veered off into navel gazing, and that she really didn't need to read it. Again, I was surprised by her reaction. For some reason she was impressed that I had been able to write about it, and didn't think I would have been able to do that until recently. I have to admit that she made a lot of sense (she generally does to be fair!) and talked about how as a child changes in your life can completely change your whole view of the world, because everything seems secure and safe, and then something happens to destroy that, and as a child you don't know how to deal with that, and so even things that on the surface are not massively traumatic, ie not neglect or abuse etc, can have a big impact on you. Or something along those lines. I don't have the type of memory to quote what was said in appointments verbatim, particularly as I had only had 3 hours sleep before that particular appointment. She also said that seeing your parents unable to cope can be really difficult to deal with when you are young, as you have always relied on them and expected them to look after you, and if you are suddenly faced with a situation where they aren't coping and you have to look after them then it confuses everything you know basically - they are supposed to look after you, not the other way around. She said she could completely see why I would have formed attachment issues after that, although we did also briefly talk about biological predisposition to things like that, and the nature vs nurture debate. I think I probably have characteristics and personality traits that would probably have made me vulnerable to mental health problems regardless of my circumstances, although of course it is difficult to judge how much of your personality is what you were born with, and how much is a reaction to environment etc, for example I am a perfectionist, which is a very common trait in people with mental health problems, and particularly eating disorders. But was I born a perfectionist, or was it somehow the result of my upbringing? I suspect that particular trait was one I was born with, as my dad is also a perfectionist, although my mum absolutely is not - 'it will do' tends to be her motto! I suppose you can never know how much of your character and life is a result of your experiences, and how much is just you, as you came into the world. You can guess, but you will never know for sure. I think an interesting case is identical twins, who obviously come from a split embryo, and therefore should be born with all of the same personality traits I would have thought, and are then brought up in exactly the same environment, and presumably treated the same, and yet can end up with such different personalities. I don't know how that happens. How can one egg split and form two very different people, even when they have had the same upbringing? It is strange the things you think about when blogging. That is never something that had even crossed my mind before, and yet now it seems fascinating. Or maybe it is tiredness making me think that, since it is now 5:30am, and I wasn't actually very late up today..... Time for sleep I think.
I think talking it all over with L has helped too. I saw her yesterday. Although I usually send her pretty much everything I write between sessions, I hesitated over sending this. It felt like such a trivial thing to have written so many thousands of words about, and obviously she knows a lot of what happened in my childhood anyway, both from my notes, and from what I have told her before. Plus it just felt too much like navel gazing. So I debated with myself about whether or not to send it, and in the end decided I would, but to point out that it probably wouldn't be of any relevance, and veered off into navel gazing, and that she really didn't need to read it. Again, I was surprised by her reaction. For some reason she was impressed that I had been able to write about it, and didn't think I would have been able to do that until recently. I have to admit that she made a lot of sense (she generally does to be fair!) and talked about how as a child changes in your life can completely change your whole view of the world, because everything seems secure and safe, and then something happens to destroy that, and as a child you don't know how to deal with that, and so even things that on the surface are not massively traumatic, ie not neglect or abuse etc, can have a big impact on you. Or something along those lines. I don't have the type of memory to quote what was said in appointments verbatim, particularly as I had only had 3 hours sleep before that particular appointment. She also said that seeing your parents unable to cope can be really difficult to deal with when you are young, as you have always relied on them and expected them to look after you, and if you are suddenly faced with a situation where they aren't coping and you have to look after them then it confuses everything you know basically - they are supposed to look after you, not the other way around. She said she could completely see why I would have formed attachment issues after that, although we did also briefly talk about biological predisposition to things like that, and the nature vs nurture debate. I think I probably have characteristics and personality traits that would probably have made me vulnerable to mental health problems regardless of my circumstances, although of course it is difficult to judge how much of your personality is what you were born with, and how much is a reaction to environment etc, for example I am a perfectionist, which is a very common trait in people with mental health problems, and particularly eating disorders. But was I born a perfectionist, or was it somehow the result of my upbringing? I suspect that particular trait was one I was born with, as my dad is also a perfectionist, although my mum absolutely is not - 'it will do' tends to be her motto! I suppose you can never know how much of your character and life is a result of your experiences, and how much is just you, as you came into the world. You can guess, but you will never know for sure. I think an interesting case is identical twins, who obviously come from a split embryo, and therefore should be born with all of the same personality traits I would have thought, and are then brought up in exactly the same environment, and presumably treated the same, and yet can end up with such different personalities. I don't know how that happens. How can one egg split and form two very different people, even when they have had the same upbringing? It is strange the things you think about when blogging. That is never something that had even crossed my mind before, and yet now it seems fascinating. Or maybe it is tiredness making me think that, since it is now 5:30am, and I wasn't actually very late up today..... Time for sleep I think.
Monday, 8 November 2010
Thank You
I am going to bed now, as I have been awake for 17 hours after only getting 4 hours sleep, and am exhausted, but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your support over the last couple of days. Actually, for your support always, but I have really needed it the last couple of days, and there was nowhere I could turn to except for here, so thank you. I really do appreciate it. I feel very lucky to have such understanding and supportive friends and fellow bloggers online. xxxx
Thursday, 4 November 2010
Cartoonised!
I have been turned into a cartoon! There I was catching up on blogs, and I caught sight of my name, and lo and behold, one of my recent posts has been cartoonised (yes, I am aware that is not a real word) by the wonderful Steve at Prozacville! I was rather excited, as I have always loved his cartoons, and felt rather honoured to be featuring in one of them, so without further ado, here it is!
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
Search terms
Just a random little update, as I have had a few unusual search terms find my blog lately (plus some more normal ones) and thought I would reply to them, even though the searchers probably won't see it....
Random search term of the month goes to 'tiger balm for bulimia'. Yes. Not got a fucking clue what you were looking for. Am unsure of the correlation between a heat muscle rub and bulimia. I racked my brains, but couldn't think of any explanation. If anyone has any interesting suggestions as to what this person may have been thinking, please leave a comment. The more obscure your suggestion the more points you get.
Another I quite liked was 'what is a carpusel in the lower back'. I have no idea. Does a carpusel exist? When I googled it it asked if I meant Carousel, which is obviously how they ended up on my blog, as Carousel + back must be mentioned lots on my blog, but I don't know what a carpusel is if it exists, and I can't really see anyone having a carousel in their lower back....
Still on the medical front we had 'is it ok to have the flu jab when you have a cold'. Yes, it is, as long as you aren't feeling seriously ill with it. I know this, as my mum asked the nurse when she had hers. I just assumed it would be ok and didn't bother asking because of the nurse scaring me.
Then was was 'days of me being erased'. Don't know what they were looking for, but if they were feeling like they wanted to be erased then I can certainly relate. Otherwise, not sure.
My least favourite was '"weight gain" "leotard" "fatter"'. Yes. It is really shit. I feel for you. Gaining weight and then having to put on a leotard is hideous. It was my least favourite just because I know what a horrible sensation that is. Leotards are so unforgiving. Even black ones.
And there endeth the search terms update. Might do it again sometime if I have any more interesting search terms. Please leave any comments on 'tiger balm for bulimia' if you can think of an explanation. I am genuinely quite curious.
Random search term of the month goes to 'tiger balm for bulimia'. Yes. Not got a fucking clue what you were looking for. Am unsure of the correlation between a heat muscle rub and bulimia. I racked my brains, but couldn't think of any explanation. If anyone has any interesting suggestions as to what this person may have been thinking, please leave a comment. The more obscure your suggestion the more points you get.
Another I quite liked was 'what is a carpusel in the lower back'. I have no idea. Does a carpusel exist? When I googled it it asked if I meant Carousel, which is obviously how they ended up on my blog, as Carousel + back must be mentioned lots on my blog, but I don't know what a carpusel is if it exists, and I can't really see anyone having a carousel in their lower back....
Still on the medical front we had 'is it ok to have the flu jab when you have a cold'. Yes, it is, as long as you aren't feeling seriously ill with it. I know this, as my mum asked the nurse when she had hers. I just assumed it would be ok and didn't bother asking because of the nurse scaring me.
Then was was 'days of me being erased'. Don't know what they were looking for, but if they were feeling like they wanted to be erased then I can certainly relate. Otherwise, not sure.
My least favourite was '"weight gain" "leotard" "fatter"'. Yes. It is really shit. I feel for you. Gaining weight and then having to put on a leotard is hideous. It was my least favourite just because I know what a horrible sensation that is. Leotards are so unforgiving. Even black ones.
And there endeth the search terms update. Might do it again sometime if I have any more interesting search terms. Please leave any comments on 'tiger balm for bulimia' if you can think of an explanation. I am genuinely quite curious.
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Sorry
Sorry, I have been neglecting this rather. I am too tired right now, but I will make sure that tomorrow I come on here and write about yesterday's dress rehearsal, my day today (including seeing L), and tonight's performance. But now I must sleep. I am also really behind on reading/commenting on blogs because of being out so much. I am reading everything, but may comment less than usual, as I am a day or two behind on reading, and short on time. I do hope everyone is ok though. And I will update properly tomorrow!
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Top 20 Health Blogs Preview...
So, Wikio UK are adding a Health Blogs section to their site, and have asked me to do a wee preview of it before it goes live on Monday. They have lots of Top Blogs on various topics already, such as Fashion, Sport, Culture etc etc, and are adding a Health section to this. All the blogs they include are from the UK or Ireland, and the ratings are updated monthly. The rankings are 'based on backlinks: so the position of a blog depends on the number and weight of incoming links from other blogs. Only links found in the RSS feed are included and blogrolls are not taken into account. The weight of any given link increases according to how recently it was published' (technical quote that I have stolen from the nice people at Wikio). So anyway, their current, and first, Top 20 Health blogs are listed below. It is nice to see the Madosphere so well represented, with lots of Mental Nurse TWIM regulars included, and of course the wonderful Mental Nurse itself topping the list! Hopefully the Health section will grow in the way that others seem to have, and it will become a good place for finding new blogs to read - if you wish to submit your own blog then you can do so here.
1. Mental Nurse
2. Lake Cocytus
3. Confessions of a Serial Insomniac
4. Random Acts Of Reality
5. Bah! to cancer
6. Pole to Polar: The secret life of a manic depressive
7. Writing in the margins of my mind
8. Frontier Psychiatrist
9. Purple Noise
10. Bippidee
11. Aethelread the Unread
12. Madsadgirl
13.Bipolar Mo
14. ...My little corner of the net to talk about...
15. A Tangle of Weeds
16. Guardian Society: Sarah Boseley's global health blog
17. Life in the NHS
18. Militant Medical Nurse
19. Fergus's Medical Files
20. Weight Loss Blog
Ranking by Wikio
Bippidee by Bippidee is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.0 UK: England & Wales License.
Based on a work at bippidee.blogspot.com.
1. Mental Nurse
2. Lake Cocytus
3. Confessions of a Serial Insomniac
4. Random Acts Of Reality
5. Bah! to cancer
6. Pole to Polar: The secret life of a manic depressive
7. Writing in the margins of my mind
8. Frontier Psychiatrist
9. Purple Noise
10. Bippidee
11. Aethelread the Unread
12. Madsadgirl
13.
14.
15. A Tangle of Weeds
16. Guardian Society: Sarah Boseley's global health blog
17. Life in the NHS
18. Militant Medical Nurse
19. Fergus's Medical Files
20. Weight Loss Blog
Ranking by Wikio
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Paranoia!
Eeek! Following on from what I was discussing earlier about anonymity, paranoia has well and truly hit! Firstly I should say I am very proud to have been included in TWIM on Mental Nurse this week for the very first time ever. HOWEVER I told L about Mental Nurse once because I love it, and because there was a discussion there I thought she would find amusing, and I know she looked at it, and I am now paranoid that she will do so again, see that post, and then find my blog. She would know it was me from the bit printed on MN as it includes a bit of an article that we discussed. And what if she hates me for talking about my sessions on a public blog? Hopefully she has better things to do with her time than read MN and my blog but otherwise, ermm hey L - please don't hate me!
Saturday, 9 January 2010
Why anonymous blogging?
I have found myself wondering over the last few days why I am doing this. By this, I mean writing here. Earlier this evening I was reading a blog (Random Acts of Reality if anyone is interested), and it lead to a conversation with my parents about blogs and blogging. My dad asked if I had a blog, to which I replied yes but they couldn't see it. Which I suppose leads into my 2 questions; firstly why blog, and secondly why blog anonymously?
Why blog? Why am I publishing my thoughts on the internet for all and sundry to read, rather than writing in a diary and hiding it under my bed? Not that I expect all and sundry to read, but obviously the possibility is there. I suppose I have to be completely honest here, and say a big reason is for comments. I assume this is the same for all bloggers, or people would do the diary under the bed thing, or do their writing in some other way that meant others were unable to read it. Comments on my posts can do several things. Make me look at a situation differently. Make me feel my thoughts and feelings are valid. Make me feel less alone. Make me feel supported. And probably lots of other things too. So in the main, I would say that is probably the reason why I blog, rather than write in a diary. I do get disproportionately excited by comments. I suppose because I can't believe that anybody would spend their time reading my drivel, let alone bothering to reply to it. But sometimes people do, and that makes me feel good. Diaries don't comment back (although how cool would that be?!). They just leave you to get on with it. Not many people read my blog, probably partly because it is new, and partly because it isn't very interesting. Which leads nicely onto the second question.
Why do I blog anonymously? I have another blog, on LiveJournal, which is not anonymous. It is however friends locked - there are perhaps 12 people who can read my entries, and these are either 'real life' friends, or friends I have met on the internet. They all know who I am, I know who they are. None of them know that this blog exists. Why not? I would get more comments if they did, as they know me, and so are more likely to be interested in what I have to say - I do get more comments on my LJ than I do on here. But I want this to be anonymous. I want this to be a place where I can write about absolutely anything and anyone without the risk of worrying or offending people. I want to be able to write about being suicidal, without making my friends feel like they should intervene in some way. I want to be able to write on here in the same way that I would in an under the bed diary - with complete honesty. So when my parents asked if they could see this, the answer was naturally no. To me this IS my diary, and whilst it may seem strange to them that I am happy to have a personal diary out on the internet for anyone to read, the anonymity allows that. If someone who knew me well, such as my parents or L, or a few of my friends, came across this, then yes, of course they would recognise me. But the chances of that are fairly low (I hope). When I started this, I made a conscious decision not to let anyone who may read this blog know who I am. Already there are people that I would like to get to know better, that I would like to talk to on MSN etc, but that would then mean that I would lose the anonymity, which is the reason that I started this in the first place.
So basically, I blog anonymously because I want to be able to write with the honesty that I could in a private diary, but whilst still being able to receive feedback, and discuss my thoughts with people.
I wanted to change my blog to wordpress, as it seems that is better and has some cool little features that I like the look of (can you tell I am really knowledgable about blogging and blog sites?!), but unfortunately somebody else already has the nickname bippidee, and due to a complete lack of imagination on my part this is causing a problem. I could have bippidee as the blog address, just not my nickname. But I can't think of another nickname. Suggestions are welcome.
A thoroughly boring entry, but something I have been thinking about, and questioning, so decided to write!
Why blog? Why am I publishing my thoughts on the internet for all and sundry to read, rather than writing in a diary and hiding it under my bed? Not that I expect all and sundry to read, but obviously the possibility is there. I suppose I have to be completely honest here, and say a big reason is for comments. I assume this is the same for all bloggers, or people would do the diary under the bed thing, or do their writing in some other way that meant others were unable to read it. Comments on my posts can do several things. Make me look at a situation differently. Make me feel my thoughts and feelings are valid. Make me feel less alone. Make me feel supported. And probably lots of other things too. So in the main, I would say that is probably the reason why I blog, rather than write in a diary. I do get disproportionately excited by comments. I suppose because I can't believe that anybody would spend their time reading my drivel, let alone bothering to reply to it. But sometimes people do, and that makes me feel good. Diaries don't comment back (although how cool would that be?!). They just leave you to get on with it. Not many people read my blog, probably partly because it is new, and partly because it isn't very interesting. Which leads nicely onto the second question.
Why do I blog anonymously? I have another blog, on LiveJournal, which is not anonymous. It is however friends locked - there are perhaps 12 people who can read my entries, and these are either 'real life' friends, or friends I have met on the internet. They all know who I am, I know who they are. None of them know that this blog exists. Why not? I would get more comments if they did, as they know me, and so are more likely to be interested in what I have to say - I do get more comments on my LJ than I do on here. But I want this to be anonymous. I want this to be a place where I can write about absolutely anything and anyone without the risk of worrying or offending people. I want to be able to write about being suicidal, without making my friends feel like they should intervene in some way. I want to be able to write on here in the same way that I would in an under the bed diary - with complete honesty. So when my parents asked if they could see this, the answer was naturally no. To me this IS my diary, and whilst it may seem strange to them that I am happy to have a personal diary out on the internet for anyone to read, the anonymity allows that. If someone who knew me well, such as my parents or L, or a few of my friends, came across this, then yes, of course they would recognise me. But the chances of that are fairly low (I hope). When I started this, I made a conscious decision not to let anyone who may read this blog know who I am. Already there are people that I would like to get to know better, that I would like to talk to on MSN etc, but that would then mean that I would lose the anonymity, which is the reason that I started this in the first place.
So basically, I blog anonymously because I want to be able to write with the honesty that I could in a private diary, but whilst still being able to receive feedback, and discuss my thoughts with people.
I wanted to change my blog to wordpress, as it seems that is better and has some cool little features that I like the look of (can you tell I am really knowledgable about blogging and blog sites?!), but unfortunately somebody else already has the nickname bippidee, and due to a complete lack of imagination on my part this is causing a problem. I could have bippidee as the blog address, just not my nickname. But I can't think of another nickname. Suggestions are welcome.
A thoroughly boring entry, but something I have been thinking about, and questioning, so decided to write!
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About Me
- Bippidee
- United Kingdom
- I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse. If you know me in real life, then please respect my wish for anonymity here. You are welcome to add me on Facebook - I am on there as Bippidee Mentalist, and on Twitter as bippidee86.
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Bippidee by Bippidee is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.0 UK: England & Wales License.
Based on a work at bippidee.blogspot.com.