I don't bloody know what to do. I really don't want to make my blog password protected or invite only, because I have met so many great bloggers, and want to continue to do so, and think that invite only/password protection puts up a big barrier up in that respect. I considered starting a blog with a new title and URL on WordPress, and still posting under the name Bippidee, but then realised anyone googling Bippidee could still find it if I did that. So essentially I am looking at having to start completely from scratch, and it is going to be a fucking nightmare. My email address, my Twitter, and my Facebook are all Bippidee. A new account means replacing all of those as well, or I would have the same problem with Google. Well, not the email address, but I would want my email address to match everything else because I am neurotic like that. Also, I would want to export this blog to the new account, because I don't want to lose everything I have written in the past year, but again, there are posts that mention Bippidee, or comments to Bippidee, and so Google would still be a problem. But I don't want to just dispose of my last year of posts. I also considered setting up another account on Blogspot, making that account co-admin of this blog, then changing the URL and Blog Title, then deleting the Bippidee admin from admin. But either way means getting rid of Bippidee, and ridiculous as it sounds I am really reluctant to do that. It is what I have been known as in the Madosphere for the past year now. I have an identity linked to it. And I feel like changing the name will somehow make me lose that, and that is sad. I don't see how I can keep my blog going, even by exporting it to a difference account, without starting completely afresh, and that is the last thing I want to do.
I am so fucking angry. I actually cannot convey how upset I am about this whole thing. I feel stupid for saying that, because it is just a blog, but it has got me through so much, or at least the people who read it have, and it truly has been a lifeline this past year. And I have invested so many hours in it. And because of a fucking ridiculous printer, which I desperately want to go and smash up, I could lose all that, and that is just shit. I know I can tell people where I am going and start again, but that isn't the point. This is my home, and I have no option to leave it, but I can't leave behind all my posts because they represent the last year of my life, and a lot more actually. Why oh why did I think I needed to print a stupid bloody shopping list?? If I hadn't tried to do that then we wouldn't be in this situation. Or of course if I had a printer that printed what you told it to (and there is absolutely no doubt I told it to print the right thing) rather than just printing any random page you happen to have open at the time. I am feeling really upset.
I wish I could just trust my parents not to look at it, but I can't. I think if I explained I didn't want them to see then they might respect that wish now, but if it got to a point when they thought I was doing badly, and they knew there was somewhere I would have written about it, then I don't think they would be able to resist looking. If I thought someone I careed about, who had a history of suicidal attempts and hospitalisations for suicidal thoughts, might be suicidal and I had a way of checking that then I think I would, even if it was going against their wishes and invading their privacy, because I wouldn't forgive myself if they went on to do something and I hadn't looked. So whilst I would like to think they would respect my privacy and not look, I think that there would inevitably be occasions when they would, and I can understand that, which is why I need to remove temptation so that it isn't an option. But it is bloody hard to work out a way of doing that, without losing everything I have written in the last year - everything that has made my blog what it is. I am so upset.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago