Christmas

It has been a rather busy few days. I went Christmas shopping on Wednesday. That was a fairly good resemblance of hell I think. It was of course pretty busy, and I had been very organised and made a list of everything I needed to get, and when possible what shop I was getting it in. Naturally everything I had planned to get was out of stock and so I then had to search around for alternatives. Then shops I had hoped would have the type of thing I wanted didn't have. And basically it was all quite crap, and I didn't end up getting anything at all that I couldn't have got in a much closer, smaller, less busy town. During the afternoon I had a headache which got worse and worse, and by the time I got home it was really quite agonising, so I had dinner and then ended up going to bed at 8:30. During the night I woke up feeling really ill, all shivery and cold, with a really nasty cold and streaming nose and just feeling crap. Ended up going back to sleep after a couple of hours, woke up in the morning not feeling any better. Got a hot water bottle and took a couple of paracetamol and went back to sleep for an hour, and woke up feeling a little bit better, and so made myself get up because I had lots to do. Went off shopping again - this time to much closer, smaller town, where I managed to find everything I wanted within about half an hour, and then spent another hour and a half pacing the streets in the cold because my mum was at my sister's house, where I am obviously not very welcome. I noticed my sister left me off our Christmas card this year - she really does have it in for me.

Shopping finished, came home, felt ill so had a couple of hours relaxing time and then cracked on with the wrapping. Wrapping is a time consuming affair because I like making presents look pretty. I like using lots of ribbons and bows and curling ribbons, and so trimming a present to make it look pretty takes at least as long as the actual wrapping. And then I decide which ribbons and labels I will be using before I wrap the present, and choose the paper accordingly, so it is all rather time consuming and complicated really! I don't bother when I am wrapping for the children, because they just rip paper off as they are children, and my dad doesn't care what his presents look like, so I don't spend that long wrapping his, although I must admit I find it really difficult to leave a present just with paper and a tag, so he sometimes ends up with a little bit of ribbon because I just can't help myself.... But my mum really loves presents to look pretty, as do I, so we both put lots of effort into wrapping our presents for each other, and so it takes hours. Plus I have to help my dad with his wrapping, because he refuses to touch a ribbon and will use completely inappropriate paper unless I stop him, so I either have to wrap and trim all of his presents for my mum as well as my own, because I think she deserves to have them looking pretty, or I do what I did yesterday and make him wrap them himself but then tell him which paper he has to use for each present and which label he has to use, and then do all the trimmings on them myself. So lots of hours wrapping. I may be ever so slightly obsessive about wrapping.

Today was surprisingly calm. Scarily calm actually for Christmas Eve in our house. Generally that is when most of the wrapping gets done, plus pretty much everything else, but I had finished my wrapping (and my dad's) last night, and my mum only had to wrap about 4 presents for my nephews today, so that didn't take long. And then she made some mince pies and sausage rolls, although not that many, and that was about it. We think we have probably forgotten to do something vital, as it was all far too laid back and relaxed - we have never had such a calm Christmas Eve before! I watched 4 films. Miracle on 34th Street (my favourite Christmas film - I watched the original yesterday and the remake today), then The Queen, then Prince Caspian, then Chocolat. And the fire was alight and the tree looked all pretty and it was nice and cosy. And had a couple of glasses of chapagne which always helps matter. Champagne goes straight to my head. I blame the bubbles, because it is much worse than any other alcohol - I am always pretty lightweight because I don't drink very often, but I feel the effects of Champagne rather quickly. Probably doesn't help that I still have a nasty cold and am therefore slightly lightheaded anyway! I have had a cold and sore throat continuously for a month now - as soon as one starts to go another one comes along and replaces it.

I should go to sleep since it is 2:15am and I have been told I have to get up at 9. Father Christmas has already been. We all came upstairs to bed, and my stocking was empty, and then I went down an hour later and it was full - how's that for proof?! I may have watched Miracle on 34th Street too many times the last couple of days..... I am not feeling too stressed about Christmas - food is always an issue, but I think because it is just me and my parents here tomorrow it is less stressful than it would be ordinarily as it will be pretty quiet. Both brothers and families are coming Boxing Day, so that might be a little chaotic, but neither are coming for the whole day, just the afternoon, so hopefully it will be ok. It is New Year that I am really dreading. I can just about cope with Christmas, despite the food situation, but New Year is hideous.

I hope that everyone has a good Christmas, or at least as stress free as possible. I leave you with a picture of my Christmas Tree......

Childhood Part 1

So, my childhood. I didn't talk about all of this with L, but I decided I wanted to write about all of it, to put it into context. My childhood memories are fairly sketchy. I only remember odd bits here and there. I have no memories from when I was very young, and really very few before the age of about 10. And even after that, I know certain situations happened etc, but I don't remember how I felt about them or anything. So a lot of it is quite hazy.

I always think of myself as having a happy childhood, and I think it was overall, and certainly was compared to the experiences of many others, which means I am always reluctant to criticise it in any way. But there were downsides. For a start, I never fitted in. From as far back as I can remember I just didn't fit in with most other children. I was more comfortable with adult company, which is probably unsurprising, given that I have 3 older siblings, and the closest of those to me in age is 12 years older than me. So I was used to being around adults the majority of the time. When I was young, and I am thinking back from when I was very young up to about the age of 11 or so, I was probably what Lexie would refer to as a 'pretend child'. I spent hours and hours sitting reading. I would wander around stately homes and gardens with my parents. I was always beautifully dressed. Overall I was pretty well behaved. Which is lucky really, because punishing me generally consisted of sending me to my room, where I would become engrossed in a book, and when told I could go back downstairs reply that I was ok in my bedroom reading thank you. I went to dance classes, and was a Brownie, and had riding lessons. I did well at school. I was intelligent. I had a reading age far higher than my actual age. I got all my spellings right. I think I was generally fairly amenable, although my parents may say otherwise of course... I got on well with my parents. I got on well with my siblings. My sister (yes, the one who now hates me) absolutely doted on me as a young child. So in that sense I was a good child, with a happy childhood.

The less positive things were that as I mentioned, I never really fitted in with my peers - probably because of being a pretend child. I had a best friend (whom I will refer to as C for this post), who I met when I was 4, who lived just down the road from me, and we were at school together until I moved school after a couple of years. I was very possessive over her. I wanted her to play with me the whole time. I wasn't interested in playing with any of the other children - she was my best friend, and she was the only person I wanted to play with. I don't remember it, but I apparently used to come home from school incredibly upset if she had been playing with other people instead of me. Early attachment issues, or is that too psychoanalytical? There was another girl at that school (who will be referred to as H for this post) whose mother used to look after me after school when my mother was working, and when I switched schools, she also switched half a term later. She was a very strong character. A bully essentially. Again, I don't remember it, but apparently sometimes when I would go there after school she would lock me in her bedroom and leave me in there and not let me out. Sometimes she would be nice to me. Other times she wouldn't. When I moved school at 7, I left C behind, although I still saw her a lot, and whilst I got on fine with the children at my new school, again, I didn't really fit in. I wasn't 'cool' in any way. I was certainly not one of the popular girls. I would try and tag onto some of the other less popular girls, but I remember often finding myself alone. I was also ill a lot - I had a lot of problems with my ears - constant ear infections, multiple burst eardrums, various other infections. I spent an awful lot of my childhood on antibiotics. My mum generally used to still send me into school when I was ill, as she worked there, and I was too young to stay home alone, so I either went to lessons, or if I was really ill I went to the sick bay. I didn't enjoy school though. From a fairly young age I remember exaggerating how ill I felt to try and get out of going to class. I remember pushing near the bottom of my neck to make me retch so that my mum would think I was sick. I am not sure why I didn't want to go to school, as it wasn't like I struggled with the work or anything, and it was a nice school. I just didn't want to go.

I have also had issues with food my entire life. Not an eating disorder, but I have always been an incredibly fussy eater, to the point where it has interfered with my life. In some ways I am slightly better now with that, but overall the foods I will eat now aren't very different to those I would eat as a child. When I was inpatient on an eating disorder programme they said I had always had disordered eating because of how fussy I was. I don't know whether or not this is true, or what is behind it, or if it contributed to my eating disorder in later life, but there have certainly always been issues surrounding food. I was always very attached to my mum. I suppose most children are, but I didn't like her being out or away from me. I would stay the night with friends, but I remember getting into a terrible state when I went on Brownie camp once. I absolutely hated it. I was horribly home sick, I had issues with most of the food, and I just wanted to be at home. The whole time felt like torture, and all the other children were having a great time. Obviously none of these things were major problems. Ok, I didn't really fit in with my peers and was teased a bit, but most kids are. And I was happy at home as far as I can remember.

Up to this point I would consider myself to have had a happy childhood. Although if I look back on it I can see signs that maybe things weren't quite right even that early on, ie up to the age of 11. But I don't know if that is just going into the realms of navel gazing. But things like being very attached to certain people, and feigning or exaggerating illness to avoid school, when actually there was no reason to not want to go that I can see do strike me as not being quite right. I also always had a need to please people - generally adults rather than peers. But there have always been issues with relationships I suppose. And of course issues with food. There was no reason for me to be unhappy, but I wouldn't say that I was happy, and I don't know why. Maybe there has always been something wrong, although I don't know what. But overall everything in my life was pretty simple up to this point, and there was no reason for me to be unhappy. It was after that that things became more complicated, but I will finish writing that tomorrow, as the more I write the more flashes of memory are coming back, and I need some time to process them. There was nothing I would consider to be traumatic, or anything more than an awful lot of children go through, and not nearly as bad as lots, but I still feel like I need to write about it. The appointment with L yesterday got me thinking a lot, but I will go into more detail regarding that tomorrow.

Performing

There are a lot of negatives about performing. How competitive it is. How bitchy people can be. How you are constantly being judged. The rejection. The comparisons. Lots of things. It can be a very negative industry at times, which can be very stressful, and where you can feel very alone. But yesterday I was also reminded of how many positives there are, and what a wonderful business it can be. As you know, I was singing in a concert last night. It was a charity concert, starring a well known performer, and I was one of a number of other soloists, most of whom are professionals. I felt very lucky to not only be performing alongside such a fantastically talented and successful performer, but one who was so generous and giving, and such a lovely person. I had met her before a couple of times last year when I did some workshops with her, and knew that she was very nice and genuine, but I wasn't expecting her to be nearly as hands on yesterday as she was. We had a run through in the afternoon, and I fairly naturally assumed she would just come out to sing her songs, and spend the rest of the time in her dressing room. Instead, she sung her songs, then came and sat out in the auditorium and watched every single one of the soloists. She jumped up and down making suggestions, and helping when people were struggling with anything, and giving people advice on their song, and just generally being so supportive and helpful, which was far beyond what she needed to do. She could, and I think most performers would, have just come out and sung her own songs and ignored what everyone else was doing, but she just got really involved, and it was so nice to see such an experienced performer giving back in that way. She is a wonderful example of how great this business can be. And how sometimes even the people at the top of their game will really make an effort to help others who are still on their way up. In fact, I think it is often the people who are at the top who are the least diva-ish. Yesterday there was absolutely no bitchiness. Everyone got on really well. All the other soloists were lovely and we had great fun in our dressing room. It was just a really lovely example of what a fantastic industry it can be.

The actual run through was difficult for me. There were still pretty severe issues going on with the band timing wise, which was making it virtually impossible for me to know when to come in, so we had to do the start a few times to get it right, and I was worried it was me messing up, but it was apparently the band. In the end we got going and got all the way through, but my voice was really hurting, and it was getting really croaky - mostly actually in the dialogue bits rather than the singing. I was still really not confident with the timing - the scoring for the band part was COMPLETELY different to the normal sheet music, which is obviously what I have been used to rehearsing with - there were random extra bars in some places, and missing bars in others, and it was all a bit all over the place, and therefore worrying. I went down into the auditorium afterwards and was talking to the lead who said 'That scoring is really strange - I have always done it like X (at which point both of us went da da da da da daa da da da da etc, and established we were used to the same version!). It would completely confuse me like that!' I replied that it was completely confusing me too, and she said she would have a word with the MD (who was too stressed for anyone apart from her to dare speak to!) and see if we could go through it again, which she did, but the rehearsal ran on so late that there was absolutely no time to do anything again. But she did get her to make sure she was giving me really clear signals as to when to come in, as in the run through I couldn't tell when she was bringing me in and when she was bringing the band in, which was obviously very confusing. Usually it is fine, because they look at you, but the band were on stage, and so the MD was behind us, and so we saw her via a screen at the front of the stage, but obviously with that you can't see when she is actually looking at you. So it was all quite different for me, and the band part really was confusing - it would have been nice if it had been closer to the original scoring, both for the band and for me!

I was quite stressed between the run through and the performance, because I had no idea if I was going to be able to get the timing right or not, and there was nothing I could do about it. I desperately wanted another run through, but there wasn't the opportunity. From the end of the run through, time just flew. We all started putting on our make up, and getting our hair done, and getting into costume etc, and time just flew. Suddenly the concert had started, and time just whizzed by. I wasn't on until half way through the second half, so had plenty of time to get ready, which is lucky really, as I was still nowhere near ready by the time some of the other girls in my dressing room had already performed! I also nearly fell down the stairs at one point, which was slightly embarrassing, as it was right outside the number 1 dressing room, and I kind of screamed and swore at the same time, just as the lead had walked into her dressing room, so she dashed out to see if I was ok. Stupid shoes!

My actual performance went ok. I was nervous about the band because of the issues at the rehearsal, and I was worried about my voice. It could have been better - it would have been better if I hadn't been ill. But it wasn't a disaster. Through gluing my eyes to the screen at the appropriate times I managed to get all the timing right, and I think vocally it was reasonably strong apart from one note that cracked slightly due to my chest/throat. Some of the dialogue did sound slightly croaky, but there really was nothing I could do about that - I was supporting as much as I possibly could, but I have a chest infection, and no amount of support was going to get rid of that! I believe there were some slight mic issues too - it felt like it was fading in and out a bit, and my dad commented on it, but that wasn't uncommon - it happened to several people. So overall it was ok. I wasn't entirely happy with my performance, but then I very rarely am, and I feel like I did my best under the circumstances. And it was a really good day, where I met lots of lovely people, performed in the biggest theatre I have ever worked in, had some nice chats and laughs with a performer I have always admired greatly, and had the opportunity to sing in the same concert as her. I feel very lucky to have had that opportunity, and it reminded me of all the brilliant things about performing, and the business, and other performers. She really is true class, both on stage and off.

Dinner

I think I do have a chest infection. I decided that coughing up green nasty stuff is not good, so phoned and asked to speak to my GP. They got her to call me back, and she said she would send a script down to the chemist for antibiotics. So I will get them tomorrow. Which is leaving it rather late for Sunday, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. The Sudafed is definitely helping with the congestion generally - I have gone through far, far less tissues today than I did yesterday or Wednesday, so that is something!

I went out for dinner with a friend tonight. It was the friend I was supposed to go out for lunch with weeks ago ago, and then I cancelled because I was getting stressed about eating out at lunch time etc. She texted me earlier and said she was free tonight and did I want to go out for something to eat. I wasn't sure whether to or not, I didn't know if I fancied eating out (well, I rarely fancy out, but I wasn't sure if I felt up to it) plus of course I am not feeling great physically, but she isn't often free, so I decided I would. We went out about 8, and I hadn't eaten anything all day, so it was easier than if I had already had a meal. I actually managed to eat a 2 course meal without even trying to go to the toilets and purge, which is unusual for me. I usually at least go to the toilets and then if they are empty I purge and if there are people in there I don't, but I didn't even go near them, so that was good. I knew I really couldn't purge, since I already have a sore throat, and purging always hurts my voice, and more damage is the last thing I need right now. Which is one of the reasons I wasn't sure about eating out, but I managed it. It was nice to see her. Despite her living down the road, I hadn't seen her since August, which is kind of ridiculous really, but she works during the day, and then in the evening I am often out at rehearsals or dance classes, and she is often busy, so there just rarely seems to be time when we are free. So yes, it was good to catch up with her.

Sulking

So the good news is that I bought some Sudafed this evening, and either it is a wonder drug, or very coincidental timing, because since I took one, my nose has felt much less congested. Plus my ears and head and everything else that have felt horrible. I am hoping that they are wonder pills, and in fact the cure for the common cold. I will take more tomorrow and see how I get on. Technically I could take more now, as it was about 7 hours since I last took one, but the pharmacist told me not to take them at night as they keep you awake. Apparently. Since my sleep is always shite I don't think risking taking one at 3am would be wise. The bad news is that my chest has been hurting today, and I am slightly concerned I may in fact have a chest infection and not just a sore throat, in which case I should possibly have got some antibiotics when I saw my GP yesterday. Although I think they have pretty limited use with chest infections so maybe it doesn't matter. Hopefully if the congestion clears up then everything else will as well. That is the plan. By tomorrow night I will be feeling completely better, Saturday will be a nice, not ill day, and I will be feeling 100% for Sunday. I hope my body has taken the plan on board.

Today was pretty quiet. I spent the day in bed sulking about feeling ill. If it had been next week - fine. Not this week dammit. So I have taken the male route and retired to my bed and felt sorry for myself. I watched Neighbours and Home and Away and then the film Gigi. And then I had to get out of bed and stop feeling sorry for myself so that I could go and shower and wash my hair and eat my dinner and go and get my hair cut. Didn't have anything exciting done, just a trim and layers cut back in as they had all grown out. Might go short next time, I am getting bored with long hair. Although it is useful to be able to tie it up when you can't be arsed to wash it. In fact, I think that is the main advantage of long hair. Or it is as far as I am concerned, but then I am lazy, and when I feel crap personal hygeine takes a distinct backseat. After I got my hair cut I had to go to Sainsburys with my mum. Which was ok. I bought my magical Sudafed and got my prescription. And wandered about aimlessly looking at chocolate and stuff. As you do. I do anyway. Although I felt a bit sick so I didn't look at it for as long as I usually would.

I am doing nothing tomorrow. I should be going to a carols rehearsal tomorrow evening, but there is no way in hell I am going to be able to sing a soprano line in anything at the moment, so it is utterly pointless. The one good thing about my song on Sunday if I am still ill, is that most of it is low enough that I belt it - it is only right near the end that I use head voice - there is actually only one note in the entire song I always sing in head voice, and that is for artistic reasons, ie it sounds more suitable, rather than because I can't sing it in chest voice. And when I have a sore throat my head voice suffers far more than my chest voice. Although that one note in head voice is held, and it would be nice to sing it without my voice cracking of course. But it could be worse - I could have a song that is nearly all in head voice. Or a ballad. Ballads are harder to pull off when you are having problems with your voice I think. At least I have a character song. I am not really convincing myself here. I want to be better by then and not have to worry about cracking notes. Please.

Cold

Today has been a wash out. It is ridiculous how ill a cold can make you feel. I woke up feeling like crap, stupidly congested, earache from the congestion, headache from the congestion, throat hurting, general crappy feeling. Decided I wasn't really in a fit state to go off to ballet and rehearsal tonight, since I can't sing and my head feels far too fuzzy to dance, so called and made my apologies, and stayed home - I decided the rest would be more helpful. Went to see my GP to get my prescriptions - she said I should have just called and she could have done them over the phone rather than me going out in the cold when I am feeling crap. I hadn't thought of that. I have gone through a ridiculous number of tissues today, and seem to alternate between being so congested that blowing my nose is impossible, and having a nose that is dripping non stop. Neither are particularly comfortable. I am hoping that I will sleep well tonight and wake up tomorrow feeling much better. I now only have 4 days until the concert, and am starting to get concerned - when I called to say I wouldn't be able to make rehearsal I couldn't even say my bloody name clear enough for her to know who it was calling. I have been taking cold cure tablets today and yesterday, but they clearly haven't been doing any cold curing. I will buy some decongestants tomorrow and hope that they help. I am going to run out of bloody tissues at this rate.

Tomorrow I don't have to do anything, except I have an appointment to get my hair cut at 7. I haven't had my hair cut for nearly a year - it is a complete mess. At first it was because I couldn't decide whether to grow it or cut it (usual inability to make a decision), and so I did nothing, and then my hairdresser went on maternity leave and I couldn't be bothered to find another one. But then I was looking at some old pictures the other day where my hair actually had some layers (all grown out) and shape etc, and decided I really should get it cut. Plus I have split ends I noticed recently. Which isn't suprising. I think I will then have to go to Sainsburys with my mum after, as she will be going shopping then. So hopefully I will be feeling better by then. I don't like supermarkets. They make me anxious.

I am going to try and sleep now. I hope I feel better tomorrow and that this stupid bloody cold doesn't keep me awake all night. I have had a Zopiclone to try and help. I really need a decent sleep.

Appointment and my sister

The cold and sore throat are getting worse - just what I didn't want! Woke up feeling very croaky, and have had a streaming nose all day. Also had a splitting headache, I think as a result of congestion. Distinctly unimpressed with this situation. I am just hoping that as it is only Tuesday it will all have cleared up and I will be absolutely fine by the weekend. I don't want to make an idiot out of myself in front of lots of people. Must steam every day. Didn't today - that was naughty. I don't really like doing it, so I tend to put it off, but I think it helps so I must. Ditto the nasty throat lozenges. I have a show rehearsal tomorrow but I am planning to tell them that I can't sing. Which means it is pretty pointless me going really as it is primarily a singing rehearsal, but never mind. It looks better to turn up, even if I can't sing. And I have to be in town anyway because I have ballet as well. It is another one of those crazy nights where I am supposed to be two places at once. In fact, that is every Wednesday from now on. I always have ballet from 7:30 until 8:30, but I now also have rehearsals from now until March from 7:30 until 10. Since I sadly don't have a time turner a la Harry Potter stylee, this means missing one, and since I am the lead in the show, it is going to be rare that I can get out of rehearsal. I am going to have to tell my ballet teacher that I will only be able to do Monday classes after Christmas until the end of March, which she will not be impressed about, as I was supposed to be doing an exam at Easter. But there is nothing I can do about it. I will go to ballet when I can on a Wednesday, but I don't think that will be very often - strangely enough production teams tend to like their leading ladies to be at rehearsals. I also have an appointment with my GP tomorrow, just to make things even trickier time wise. I have no idea why I booked it for a Wednesday - that was a very daft idea.

Speaking of Harry Potter, I went to see the new film this evening with my mum. It was good. Better than the other films. Although there is a possibility I just think that because I have read Deathly Hallows less times than the other books, and therefore didn't notice any changes as much, but I did think it was better than the other films. I think splitting it into two was a good move - the film of Half Blood Prince was crazy, because you just cannot fit a 600 page book into a 2 and a half hour film and expect it to work. If I hadn't read the book I think I would have been utterly confused throughout that film. At one point tonight I had to really fight back the tears - they were in my eyes, but I knew that if I started crying it would be completely uncontrollable sobbing, in the way that it was when I watched Charlotte's Web a couple of months ago, and I kind of wanted to avoid hysterics in the cinema. Why is it that people dying in films doesn't upset me, but animals or creatures of some description dying can make me inconsolable? That seems to be the wrong way round really....

I saw L earlier. It went ok. I think we had cleared up quite a lot of things already via email, so it didn't really feel awkward. We talked a bit about what had happened, although we didn't dwell on it too much, as I think that would have been fairly pointless. I think the basic conclusion was that yes, she did let me down somewhat, as she didn't react in the way that she ordinarily would, but I know there were reasons behind it, and I can understand why she wasn't available for me in the usual way under the circumstances. And I think it is actually quite important for me to realise that a) nobody is perfect, and people always will let me down, however much I think of them and rely on them, and b) that relationships can be repaired - even if you are really upset about something and have been really hurt, that doesn't necessarily mean that it needs to be the end of that relationship. You can work through things. I suppose it has kind of been a lesson in black and white thinking - people aren't either amazing or useless with nothing in between, and one thing going wrong doesn't have to signify the end of an entire relationship. And I think they are important things to try and remember. Not that I will remember them of course - the next time someone lets me down I will be distraught and never want to speak to them again. But hopefully over time I can learn.

My sister is unrelenting in her hatred for me. She really is very immature. Obviously there was the deleting me from Facebook incident. She hasn't been to our house since it all happened, apart from when I haven't been here. She hasn't phoned the house - she has only phoned my mum on her mobile. Then she blanked me when I did see her the other day. Then today I sent her a text saying 'What would the boys like for Christmas? Is there anything in particular that they want/need?' and got a reply saying 'No thankyou. Don't bother.' I replied saying 'Well I will obviously bother. I just wondered if they wanted anything in particular' but I didn't get a reply to that. And this is all because I found it too much to look after my nephew an afternoon a week. Whilst I can see that inconvenienced her, I still don't feel like I was being unreasonable, and I did do it for half a term, with only two days warning at the start - it wasn't like it was something I had offered or been asked to do in advance, and had agreed to. It was thrust upon me at the last minute when other arrangements didn't work out, and I was never once asked if I was ok with doing it - it was just expected that I would because he was my nephew. I do love my nephews, but at the same time I don't really like children much, and I find being around them for too long difficult, and I find having responsibility for them very hard. I can do it when I am not feeling too bad, but when I am not doing well it is well beyond me. I have repeatedly said that I wouldn't mind doing it occasionally if there were problems with the usual arrangements, but that I just cannot commit to doing it every week. Last week for example, I was in a complete and utter state on Thursday - I was feeling very suicidal, I had cancelled my appointment with L and was then regretting it immensely, I felt ill from taking too many tablets overnight on Wednesday, I was crying uncontrollably, and I was just a complete mess. There is no way I was in a fit state to look after a 5 year old boy. And that happens sometimes. And what am I supposed to do if he gets dropped off here and I am in that position? I could not look after him. I wouldn't feel safe being in charge of him. I wouldn't want him left with anyone who was in the kind of place emotionally that I was last week - I would absolutely not leave him with someone who I didn't think was in a fit state to look after him, and it is no different if it is me looking after him. It would have been irresponsible of me to try and look after an energetic 5 year old boy when I was feeling like that. I do get quite out of control when I am that distressed, and I wouldn't have been able to cover it up, and he shouldn't have to go through that. But that is besides the point really. I just think my sister should be mature enough to accept that I don't feel able to commit to looking after him every week and move on from that - not hold a grudge like this and refuse to speak to me.

Catch up

It feels like so long since I have written anything! That is mostly because my laptop charger decided to break - there were little wires poking out, so I decided that fiddling around with it trying to make it work probably wasn't the best idea, although I did give it a little go. So that was on Saturday night that it stopped working completely, and then the only other working computer we have in the house is my Dad's laptop, which he was using most of yesterday, so I didn't get much time on the computer until today. I have ordered a new charger for my laptop, but I am guessing it won't be here until the end of the week, so I will be laptopless for a few days more unfortunately.

The shows went well Saturday. Well, mostly anyway. My back and hips were hurting, but I got quite used to that really. There was something I wasn't at all happy about on Saturday - someone came into our dressing room during Act 1 of the matinee and told me that my pas de deux partner had been drinking. I was pretty pissed off - for a start you aren't allowed alcohol backstage full stop, secondly it is incredibly unprofessional, but also it is really quite dangerous - I didn't want to do lifts with someone who had been drinking. He apparently thought it was all fine because he felt in control but I felt like that was pretty irrelevant - alcohol throws your balance off, and even if you do feel in control sometimes you aren't. Several people spoke to him, and he promised them he wouldn't have any more. The matinee went ok - I could smell the alcohol on his breath, but he did seem ok. Then the evening show came round and the second he walked on stage I could see he had been drinking more. There was fuck all I could do about it, so I just had to get on with it and hope for the best. It wasn't that great - he wasn't really drunk or anything, but he had definitely had enough that it was having an impact on his balance, and it didn't feel right, and the choreographer could see it wasn't right - the audience probably couldn't have because they hadn't seen it before, but the fish dive was actually quite scary - I ended up at such an angle I didn't think he was going to be able to get me back up. So yes, I was pretty pissed off about that, and I really don't know what he was thinking. All through rehearsals and the other performances he had been great - I felt really safe with him and we got on well, and I just have absolutely no idea what made him drink on Saturday. If he had stopped during the interval of the matinee like he told people he would once they had pointed out how dangerous it was to drink before going on stage and partnering someone then I wouldn't have been so angry, but it was so clear that he had carried on drinking after that, and that really pissed me off. Anyway, apart from that it was all fine. Between the shows some of us ordered in pizza, and people just hung out, but there wasn't that long really. I had lots of cards and things from other cast members - in fact I had a card and little present of some type from my stage mother every night! But got various other little presents and cards on Saturday, and 12 beautiful yellow roses from my stage father. My parents also got me some flowers and a card, as they had forgotten to get me a card at the start of the run, but I can't remember what those flowers were. I am not good at flowers. I know roses and tulips and that is more or less it. They may have been Gladioli?? I don't know. My mum did tell me but they are pretty flowers - I don't need to know the name.

I went to the aftershow party. I wasn't sure what to do, but in the end someone who lives not too far away from me gave me a lift home, so I was able to stay for a couple of hours, so that was nice. It feels quite weird it is over. I wasn't sure what to do with myself tonight, as I should have been at ballet and then rehearsal, but it is half term, and the show is over. My body definitely needs a rest though. My back is still really quite painful, and so really needs a break, then my hips are still incredibly tight and sore. My cold and sore throat seem to be going, but I have at least 7 mouth ulcers which are very painful. I have had at least 3 constantly for the last couple of weeks, but now I just have so many of them, and some of them are really horrible. So I think I am quite run down. I have absolutely no plans for the week at all apart from seeing L tomorrow morning. The rest of the week is totally free. I think T wants to do something one day or evening, but I don't know what or when. There are a couple of limbering classes at my dance school, but I am not going to go, although I feel like I should, because I think my body really just needs a break. I am not very good at listening to my body when it tells me to stop - I just make it keep going, like with my back and the show, but I think it is screaming as loudly as it can and I should probably take notice. So probably lots of watching bad TV and sleeping. Lots of sleep would be good. I am sleeping really badly, because I keep waking up from the pain of my mouth ulcers. I have been putting stuff on them, but it just kind of wears off and I end up waking up with them really hurting.

Mood wise I have been a bit all over the place really. Last week was quite strange, as I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts that I knew I couldn't act on, and feeling very flat even when I was on stage, but then some of the time I was having fun too. It was a really lovely cast, and the girls in my dressing room were very funny, and so there was a lot of laughter etc, but then there were these underlying thoughts about suicide all the time. And of course my weight. I am not at all happy with my weight at the moment, and I was very conscious of it last week, particularly because one of my dresses was very tight - it fitted but it couldn't have been any smaller at all. And I just can't help comparing myself to other people. I know my body perception must be a bit wrong from the way I perceive myself in relation to other people, as if I find out their actual weight or measurements etc they are always bigger than I expect, as I base my expectations on how I think they look compared to me - for example the girl playing my stage mum I thought was much smaller than me, but actually she weighed a few pounds more and was an inch shorter, so I know that logically she can't be that much smaller than me. Maybe a bit, because she is a lot more muscular than I am, but she can't be as much smaller as I see her as being. I really do need to lose weight though. I have been saying that for so long now, but it really has to happen. Not to a stupidly low weight - just a weight that I can be more comfortable at. I know it won't magically solve everything and make me happy, but it will at least give me one less thing to hate myself for.

The straw that broke the camel's back

I think my body hates me. Firstly, I hurt my back. My fault, fair enough, but why is it still not better?? I hurt it 2 and a half weeks ago (and then hurt it more 2 weeks ago), but I did then give it 10 days of complete rest and lots of anti inflammatory tablets and painkillers and a physio appointment and Tiger Balm, so I think I treated it nicely. But it still isn't better. It is still hurting me. Both my GP and the physio told me it would be completely better by now, and it is far from that. It is better than it was, but it still hurts a lot, and is definitely not completely better. I have been dancing this week, because I just couldn't afford to take any more time off rehearsing, but I have taken out the lift that was most likely to cause a problem, as it was how I originally hurt it, and today was the first time I have danced full out and done all of the other lifts etc. But it is definitely hurting. Although Tiger Balm is a godsend, and helps far more than any painkillers.

Then there is this cold/sore throat/earache thing I have going on. I don't feel terribly congested, which is supposedly what is wrong with my ear, as I can breathe through my nose etc, but my ear is still hurting despite the enormous quantities of painkillers I am taking for my back, and it feels weird - like when you have been swimming and have water stuck in your ear and everything sounds strange, except I haven't been swimming and got water stuck in my ear. And then the sore throat/cough thing. Then I also have 4 mouth ulcers which are pretty uncomfortable to say the least, and finally, just to add insult to injury, I got a spot today. Fabulous.

So I think it is safe to say that my body hates me. Or I am very run down. Or a combination of the two. Can bodies hate you? If they can I am going with that. Otherwise I suppose it is just stress and lack of sleep and bad timing.

I went to ballet last night despite feeling shit. I had missed 2 full weeks because of my back, and so decided that I really shouldn't let a cold stop me from going. It was ok, although possibly did make my back a little worse, although it is hard to tell really. Then tonight I had rehearsal, plus an extra dance rehearsal before to go through the pas de deux in the ballet as we have had so little rehearsal time. I think we have got it sorted now. My back hurt quite a lot after, but I don't have to dance again until Sunday now, so I have a couple of recovery days. And there isn't much I can do about it anyway. There isn't anyone who could replace me at this stage, so I just have to get on with it. It apparently looked beautiful (although I suspect that is a gross exaggeration) so at least I am not hurting myself for nothing...

Tomorrow I have a costume call in the evening, and have told my mum I will go shopping with her in the day. My cousin is getting married on Saturday and she apparently has nothing to wear, so I have to help her find something. I don't know whether to go to the wedding or not. It is all a bit difficult really. I would like to go, because it is my favourite cousin getting married, but I would need to travel there with my parents for the wedding at 12. They are then invited to the wedding breakfast in the afternoon, but I am not, and would therefore have about 6 hours to kill before the evening reception started, and I have no idea how I would fill that much time. Originally I was actually going to be invited to the wedding breakfast, but my siblings weren't, as they are all married with children, and the place they are having it is expensive, and all of them going would basically mean an extra 12 people. But my mother knew my sister would have an almighty strop if I was invited and she wasn't, so she told them not to invite me either. So I would have to leave the house at 10:30 with my parents, go to the wedding itself at 12, then find something to do for lots of hours until the evening reception started at 7. So that is a bit of a problem. I would like to see my cousin get married - I have always liked him, ever since he used to play hide and seek with me when I was little, despite being a lot older. In fact, I used to say that I was going to marry him when I was very young, before I realised that marrying your cousin wasn't the done thing. But 6 hours - what on earth could I do for 6 hours?!

The other problem with it is that I don't know what time I would get home, and I have to be at the band call for Carousel at 10 the next morning, until 2, then be at the theatre at 5 for the tech rehearsal, which should finish about 10, so I will be out the house for about 13 hours on Sunday, which is obviously a very long day, and it wouldn't be ideal to precede that with another long day. Plus techs tend to be pretty stressful, and hellish, as everything that can go wrong does, and you suddenly realise you are going to have to completely reset certain scenes, or the staging isn't what you were expecting, or your costume proves to be a nightmare, and you end up having to stop every 3 minutes because a lighting cue hasn't worked etc, and you keep being reminded that the tech rehearsal isn't for the actors, it is for the tech crew, but that doesn't make it any less of a nightmare, and everyone leaves thoroughly disheartened. Or that is my experience of techs anyway. Then on Monday I have the dress rehearsal, and am intending to go to ballet before as there won't be an issue timing wise, then I have performances Tuesday onwards. So the next week and a half is going to be pretty hectic.

So I can't decide whether I want to go out all day to a wedding the day before all that kicks off. The obvious answer would be no - it would be a fucking stupid thing to do when I am already ill and injured and tired and everything else. But weddings are special - it isn't like I can decide to go another day instead. But I just keep wondering what on earth I could do with those 6 hours in the middle, and do I really want to be out late the day before tech, or is that just asking for trouble? And if I do decide to go to the wedding then I also need to find something to wear tomorrow. What do you wear to a wedding in the autumn when the weather is crap? I only know what you wear to summer weddings. I also need to dye my hair tomorrow as it needs to be darker for the show really. Too much to do.

I am still feeling shit, but there isn't much to say about that really. Nothing new. My weight had gone up today, and I felt absolutely terrible about it. I then rectified the sitation by eating nothing but junk food all day, which will ensure another gain tomorrow, and I will therefore feel even worse. T came over this afternoon to watch DVDs, and brought with him an enormous pizza and a chocolate orange. Actually he brought 2 enormous pizzas, but I only cooked 1 of them as there was no way I was eating more than half of one of those. So my food intake today has consisted of half a (giant) pizza, quarter of a chocolate orange, then at rehearsal there were jaffa cakes and Cadbury caramel nibbles, which I had quite a few of, and then a chocolate cookie my mum had brought home from work after rehearsal. So ermm the only non chocolate item of food I have eaten today is half a pizza. How spectacularly unhealthy and fattening. I really do disgust myself sometimes. So yes, weight is shit, will be even shitter tomorrow, feel depressed and suicidal, too much on, ill, injured, and have a spot. Life is going well. And yes, the spot does fucking matter. I am currently viewing it as the straw that broke the camel's back. A little tiny thing but just made me feel everything that could possibly be wrong, is.

Still ill

I am not feeling well again today. I don't actually seem to have too much of a cold, but my left ear hurts and feels like it has water in it - everything sounds a bit muffled, and my head just feels fuzzy and I am a bit dizzy. I am also very tired, and my back still isn't better. I am taking lots of painkillers, so it is kind of crap that my ear and back still hurt. I have ballet tonight. I am really not in the mood for it - I feel pretty rough so staying in bed seems like a much better idea, particularly given that this will be the last night I won't have to be out for the next week and a half, but it is over 2 weeks until I have been to ballet, and my back isn't so bad that I can't go, so I feel like I should.

I wanted to go to the Doctor today to see if my ear was infected, or if it was just hurting so much because of congestion, and it seems to just be congestion, so there isn't much I can do about that really. Yet another thing wrong that I can't do anything about - great! I didn't actually see a doctor - it was a nurse who can prescribe. Not entirely sure what the difference is now that nurses can prescribe actually. Obviously the training, but I am not sure what the difference is in what they can do.

I just feel really crap. It seems like everything that can be wrong at the moment has gone wrong. Bad ear, bad back, cold, sore throat, fuzzy head. Plus hating my weight, feeling shit, etc etc. I just feel really terrible.

Cornwall Day 7 and Home

I am back home. The last couple of days of my holiday were ruined rather, as I came down with a nasty bug, that had me vomiting for 8 hours on Wednesday night. Very unpleasant. I have no idea where it came from - I am sure it wasn't food poisoning, as I hadn't eaten anything that could even be remotely suspicious, but I don't know anyone who was ill, so I have no idea where I could have caught it from. I didn't feel that great Wednesday evening, but I was ok, and then about midnight I started feeling really quite sick, and half an hour later I was being violently sick, and that carried on right the way through the night. It was quite strange, because it is unusual for me to get stomach bugs - my mum usually gets any of those going around, and I get headache/earache things, and nausea but not actually being sick. Whenever I have a sick bug it always strikes me how different it is being sick when you are ill to purging. Strange really. I suppose it is partly a control thing - when you are purging it is a choice and you are in control of it, whereas when you are ill it just happens, and is really quite hideous!

So anyway, I was in bed all day Thursday - I slept a lot of the time, as I had got very little sleep during the night, and I felt too weak to get up, plus I was still feeling ill. I felt a bit cheated really, as I had planned to go swimming again, and there were other things I wanted to do, and I was just stuck in bed all day. My parents went out for a meal in the evening, as we had already booked, but I knew that even sitting in the pub with them would be too much, so I stayed home. And then we left this morning. The car journey back wasn't great, particularly the first hour or so, as I still feel quite ill, and even though I hadn't been sick since yesterday morning, and knew I probably wouldn't be, I felt very sick, and I still can't think about any food except very plain, salty things, which I always find good when I feel sick - ready salted crisps are the best, and salted crackers, but that has been about the extent of my diet today and yesterday. On the plus side, I had lost weight yesterday morning! Obviously purely because I had thrown up everything I had eaten, and wasn't even able to keep water down, but at least it stopped the weight gain, if I am doing the looking for the silver lining thing. I didn't weigh today as the scales had already been packed in the car by the time I got up this morning, so I will have to see what the total holiday weight gain damage is when I get up tomorrow....

I need to sleep now - I am very tired, despite sleeping for several hours in the car on the way home, as well as last night and most of yesterday. I am hoping that I will feel better in the morning.

London Day

I made it to London. Just. I very nearly cancelled. By last night I was getting quite stressed about it, even though it was only about 2 hours after I had arranged it, and I woke up this morning and just didn't want to go. I was pretty stressed. I decided to use my usual decision making technique - weigh myself, and if it had gone down then I would go, or at least get ready to so I could decide later, and if it had gone up I wasn't leaving the house. It had gone down, so I went off to shower etc. Getting out of the house was a bit of a nightmare - I was supposed to leave at quarter past 11, but it ended up being 12 when I left. Those 45 minutes were spent getting increasingly frustrated and upset at not being able to find anything to wear that I felt comfortable in. Everything I put on I just felt enormous in, and so kept changing, and then had a bit of a cry because I felt so horrible about myself. I finally ended up in the second outfit I had tried on, which was very boring - black linen trousers and a black top, but I decided I would rather look boring than wear something I would feel even more enormous in. But yes, that made me pretty late. And then in the car on the way to the station I really did not want to go - I was basically just having one long panic attack, and I desperately wished I had cancelled. I had a Diazepam, and in the end I texted G to see if she had already left or not, because if she hadn't I was just going to turn around and go home. I said that I was on my way to the station, but had a nightmare getting out the house due to clothes, and was very anxious so might be pretty crap company. She replied saying that if I didn't feel up to it then she would completely understand, and that she was on her way and would love to see me, but that if I felt crap I wouldn't enjoy it, and to let her know what I wanted to do. The Diazepam had started to kick in by that point, and her text made me feel a bit better too, so I decided I would go.

I met up with her at Leicester Square, and she had already been to TKTS and bought our tickets for the show, so we headed pretty much straight off to that, although we did pop into a shop so that G could buy some sweets to take into the theatre! The show was excellent. We had wanted to go this week, as Tamsin Outhwaite, who is playing Charity, was on holiday this week, and we both wanted to see her understudy rather than her ideally. It was a really good production - Tiffany Graves, who was playing Charity, was absolutely perfect for the part, she was really great. The cast overall was really strong actually - there wasn't much to criticise. Fantastic choreography - was interesting to see Sweet Charity without Fosse choreography, although I absolutely love Fosse and did miss it a little at times. But it was just a very good production. It was quite funny because during the first Act I kept thinking how brilliant Josefina Gabrielle's body was, and how jealous I was of it, and the first thing G said to me in the interval was 'How good is Josefina Gabrielle's body?!'

After the show we popped into a couple of shops - there was a CD I wanted to buy, and some black footless tights for dance, and then we headed off for dinner. We were going to Pizza Express, which was hard in terms of high calorie food, but then there isn't really a lot that I could eat out and feel comfortable with. I wasn't feeling too dreadful after my main course, but then we had dessert and that was just too much, and I couldn't cope with it, and I did purge. I really wasn't intending to, but when I had eaten it I just couldn't deal with the feeling and the taste etc. I suspect G knew that I did, or at least suspected, but she didn't say anything thank goodness. I do love G - she is great. I am glad I went in the end, despite how stressed and anxious I was this morning. I couldn't have done it without Diazepam, but I guess that is what it is for.

I am worried about what my weight will be in the morning. I know it will have gone up, but I am just really scared as to how much by. Tomorrow will be difficult too, as I have a dance class in the morning, so I am back to the 2/3 meals a day thing, which is hard. Which just leaves Friday and Saturday to try and lose, so there is absolutely no way I will get my 2lbs this week. Thinking about that makes me wish I hadn't gone to London today, as if I had stayed home I wouldn't have eaten nearly as much, and I would have lost weight tomorrow rather than gained, and at the moment that seems more important than anything else. Bit worried about my throat. It has still been hurting, and I have a singing lesson tomorrow, and I couldn't afford to cancel it as I have this audition on Sunday, so I need to sort out what I am singing. Purging won't have helped that, but it is the sore throat from this cold that is a bigger problem - I am still very husky, and it is still sore. I will just have to take it easy tomorrow I suppose. I really hope I haven't gained too much. I am scared.

Insert Title...

I felt a bit better again today, but I didn't go to dance this morning, because I thought suddenly getting up and jumping around might make me feel a bit ill, and I didn't want to go 20 miles there are back and not feel up to dancing, so I went back to sleep instead. I had an appointment with L at half 1, which was good. She is referring me to the team Psychologist for an assessment - possibly just to look at what direction we should be working in etc, or possibly to see the Psychologist for a while - I suspect it would be for CAT, which is usually 16 sessions, as I think they more or less just do that and CBT, and L knows my views on CBT. I wish I could have DBT, as I would really like to try it, but nowhere in my area does it, and they don't offer long term psychotherapy either.

I had rehearsal tonight for Carousel. It was a dance rehearsal - I was learning the opening section for the very long dance section in it. My shins are hurting a bit, as the floors there are hideous - they are just concrete. I tweaked the choreography a little (quite a lot...) as the choreographer didn't seem to mind. There was a bit of a horrible suprise at rehearsal in that I had to be measured for my costume, which I wasn't expecting, and would have seriously freaked out about had I known in advance. The trouble is, the show isn't until October, and I have absolutely no intention of being this size by then, but I couldn't really tell them to measure me and then subtract 2 inches from all the measurements as I plan to be that much smaller by then?! Although hopefully it won't matter too much, as it is my bottom half I really need to lose weight from, and I will be in a dress, so the bust and waist measurements should really be the only relevant ones, and although they are bigger than I want them to be, it is my hips and thighs that are the real issue, and the problem when it comes to buying clothing etc. My bust doesn't change too much really - at the moment I am a 32C, and when I was at my smallest I was a 32B, so that isn't a big issue. My waist is 2 inches bigger than it was when I was at my smallest, but I don't have too much of an issue with my top half really, or at least as small an issue as I can have with any part of my body (except my feet - I like my feet!). I need to lose 3 inches off my hips, and 2 inches off each thigh though. When I lose weight it always comes off my waist first, thighs last. Which is unfortunate as my thighs are my most hated body part. I am thinking quite seriously about getting liposuction on them.

I have said I will go to London to meet up with a friend tomorrow. I haven't seen her for about a year, so it will be lovely to see her, but I am quite anxious about it. I haven't been to London for quite a few months - I used to go all the time, and then I started getting more and more anxious about it, and I also started having real issues with planning things in advance, so both this time and the last time I went to London I just arranged it the day before. I had a little freak out about it tonight, but apparently I do that every time I go to London according to my mum. She says that I spend the whole car journey to the station saying how anxious I am and asking if I will be ok, which I didn't know I did, but apparently so. So she has told me I will be fine. Which I will. And it will be really good to see G because I love G. She is really good fun. Pretty crazy, but not in a mental health way - she is one of relatively few friends I have who don't have any MH problems, but she is fairly eccentric in a lot of ways. So we are going to meet up, and try and get tickets for the matinee of Sweet Charity, and then go out for a meal after. A meal is obviously something of an issue at the moment, but meals are good opportunities to sit and chat, and I couldn't really spend the whole day in London without eating. I am kind of hoping I get the opportunity to purge it - I wish I wasn't thinking like that, and I really need to try not to, because I have a singing lesson Thursday and an audition Sunday, and purging always hurts my throat, which is sore anyway from being ill, but I am scared about how much weight I will gain if I don't. Food is so damn scary. I shouldn't plan to go out for a meal and purge it - that is not what people do. People go out for meals and enjoy them. How hard I find it will probably depend quite a lot on what my weight is like in the morning. If I have gained then I will find it really hard to eat without purging, as gaining 2 days running would be awful, but if I have lost then I might be ok. I am trying to focus on the positives of seeing my friend, and going to the theatre, and not thinking about the negatives of scary eating and food and weight and getting the train to London and all that sort of thing. I will be ok. Diazepam is my friend....

Bit better

I am feeling a bit better today. Still not great, but better than yesterday or Saturday. Less painkillers required. So that's good. Not sure if I am going to be up to dance in the morning or not - I would like to, because I feel like I should, as I do absolutely nothing else exercise wise, but I will see how I feel in the morning. The other part of me thinks it is a good excuse not to go, as if I don't dance I don't need to eat breakfast or lunch, and so have more chance of losing weight. Stupid brain. Had gained back half a pound today. I feel like a frigging yoyo. I suppose as long as the overall weight trend is down I will have to accept it, but it is so horrible getting on the scales and seeing the numbers go up.

I have a rehearsal tomorrow evening for the show I am doing in October, which is a dance rehearsal, but it is just learning the dance, so I can just mark it if I am not feeling well. Or if I am feeling lazy. Don't need to dance it full out. T is coming over in a little while. He is bringing films, but I don't know what. I shall update on that later!

Good and bad

The bad news is that I still feel poorly, although Paracetamol, Ibuprofen and some anti bacterial, anaesthetic throat sweets are all helping.

The good news is that by some miracle I made my 2lbs weight loss since last Sunday. I was so excited when I saw, because I wasn't expecting to get there at all. If I hadn't gained a pound during the week that I then had to lose then it would have been 3lbs. Got the 2 dance classes again this week though, so I am worried about that again.

I will write properly later or tomorrow, when my brain has de-mushed a little.

Ill :(

I feel ill today. Yesterday I had a headache all day, and my throat felt a little uncomfortable, but not bad. Overnight I kept waking up with it really hurting, and I am just not feeling very well generally today. I think I just have a cold with a sore throat - the cold side of it isn't really too bad, but I am rather blocked up, and I have a headache and earache, and very sore, hurting throat. One of my first thoughts was that maybe I wouldn't be as hungry and would be able to eat less if I wasn't feeling well, but I ate lunch, and will have something for dinner. I feel a little bit sick, but I am also a little bit hungry, so I think I will need something. Unfortunately.

In slightly better news, I did manage to get my weight down a bit today from yesterday - not an enormous amount, 0.6 of a pound, but it is better than nothing. It still means that I have only lost just over a pound so far this week though, and I am not going to lose nearly a pound by tomorrow, so I have missed my target yet again. Feel pretty useless - I should be able to lose 2 bloody pounds a week - that isn't much to ask. I really wanted to lose a decent amount of weight before I went on holiday, because I know I will gain when I am away. I really want to take the scales on holiday with me, but I don't know if my mum will let me. I can't imagine going a whole week without weighing at the moment though, it would just be too hard. I was saying yesterday about not really having any clothes to take away because nothing fits. My mum told me to buy some clothes that fit me. My dad told me to lose weight so I could fit into my clothes. Not sure either response was terribly helpful. As I have said before, I absolutely refuse to buy clothes that fit me now, because it feels too much like giving into fatness, but I am trying to lose weight to get back into my clothes, but it just isn't happening. They did both say that I wasn't fat, but that didn't make me feel any better, because I can see I am fat, and my mum told me I didn't look like I had gained weight when I gained 24lbs, so I don't really trust what she says. I wish it was as easy to lose weight as it is to gain it. Gaining 2lbs a week would be ridiculously easy, and yet losing it is so difficult. Definitely not fair.

An update

So I haven't written for a while. I am struggling with depression big time, and just don't have the concentration or motivation to really do anything. Am very behind on most of the blogs I read as I start reading and then realise I have absolutely no idea what is going on. Getting through a whole post is a real mission. Anyway. So yeah, very strong suicidal thoughts. Very overwhelming. I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but my dad was at home last week as he had an operation so couldn't work, and knowing someone was here all of the time stopped me from acting on the thoughts. But they are getting more and more intense and I am feeling like it is only a matter of time. I saw N today, but I didn't talk about the suicidal thoughts with her, I just said that things were bad, as I was concerned that if she knew just how strong the thoughts are then she would have to go back at tell someone at the CMHT, and the only one of them that I trust is L, who is still off (but will be back next week). And last time I told N just how bad things are and that it had got to the planning stage etc was back in the summer, and resulted in my ex care co-ordinator insisting on me going to A&E to be assessed by the duty psych - the alternative was a MHA assessment apparently. And I really didn't want a repeat of that so I kept quiet.

I am a bit ill as well. I felt like crap yesterday emotionally, and found that I was feeling quite weak, but that often happens when I feel crap, so I didn't think much of it. Despite it being the last thing I felt like doing I went to ballet, as when I had weighed in the morning I promised myself that if I was X or under I would go, and if I was over X I wouldn't, and I was X, which meant that I absolutely HAD to go. My mind works in strange ways. Anyway, felt bad when I was there, ended up having to sit out some of class, and felt ill all the way home, ate my dinner, and was then sick. So I think I have some type of bug. Unfortunately I found it quite triggering eating wise. It kind of reminded me that I can eat and then be sick and have a nice, empty stomach again. So today I was still feeling sick, so ate some bland food that I didn't think would make me feel worse, and then purged. I hadn't intended to, but I just got a flashback of me being sick last night and I couldn't resist. It is a long time since I have done that, and a very long time since I have done it at home (the last few times have been when eating out) and now it just seems so tempting again. Not good.

But it is the suicidal thoughts that are the big problem at the moment. I am trying really hard, but I just don't want to live, I don't want to be here, and my head is just screaming at me to kill myself. Feels like when rather than if.