(Mis)Trust

I wrote the buttercream off as a disaster. I have no idea what went wrong. Who would have thought it was possible to mess up mixing butter and sugar? The number of times I have made buttercream too. It really isn't hard. I suppose I will have to try again tomorrow, because at the moment my mum still doesn't have a birthday cake. I feel sorry for her - she had a bad birthday. I think she had a really tough day at work with her boss dying this morning so unexpectedly - all of the staff were really upset, and so she was quite emotional all day at work I think, and then had to come home and only have an hour at home before taking me off to ballet and rehearsal. She went to see my brother whilst I was in ballet, and then we had a little bit of time between ballet and rehearsal so we got take away pizzas from a nice bar in town, and then she went to see a friend whilst I was rehearsing, so I guess she had an ok evening, but I think overall it can't have been a very nice day. I will try again with icing the cake tomorrow. I want to make it look really pretty but I can't quite decide how. I am a bit rubbish at doing anything other than basic icing. I made quite a pretty cake for Mother's Day last year, but I would have liked to do something a bit different decoration wise, but I either lack the imagination or the skill to pull off anything much more creative. Whilst I am on the subject of food, the last few days my weight has started to go back up and I am really struggling with it. It was going down, and that was literally the only thing that I felt was going right in my life. Now it is going back up, which is making me feel even more hopeless, and I would be lying if I said it wasn't adding to the suicidal thoughts, which were certainly strong enough without dealing with weight gain as well.

Well I got through ballet and rehearsal. It was an enormous relief to get home and know that I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow - that there is absolutely no need to leave my house for anything. Rehearsal was difficult yet again. I feel like I am completely useless and they cast the wrong person in the part, and like by now they will have realised that and be regretting their decision. The girl who is playing the second female part has a stunning voice - vocally she is definitely stronger than I am, and I hear people talking about how good she is, and I am sure they are thinking that she should have been cast in my part. When I hear her sing I think she should have been cast in my part. I also had to have the publicity shots taken tonight, which weren't terribly attractive I don't think, but I kind of don't give a shit at the moment. What was more difficult was talking with someone about the show etc as part of the publicity. They asked the easy questions I could answer, like where I live and how old I am, where I went to school, what other companies I have worked with etc. Then came the 'What do you do?' question. I do nothing. I said something along those lines. She said so are you still studying or anything? No.... I do nothing. How do you say that without sounding like a complete idiot? And then she followed that up by asking if I had been to drama school or university. No, I haven't done that either. I actually am 24, not studying, not working, and haven't done anything since the age of 19. Not that I said all of that of course. Then it was why did you want to audition for the show, and what attracted you to this part, which were easy enough to answer, followed by how are you finding it - are you enjoying it? Mmm. Enjoying. That doesn't seem to be the word that has been springing to mind lately when I have thought about rehearsals. Dreading? Yup, that will be the one. That doesn't sound so good in an interview though, so I switched it for enjoying. White lies don't hurt anyone right? So that felt quite difficult, because it just reminded me of everything I should have achieved and haven't, and the things I should be feeling about the show and am not. And then I always hate having my photo taken. Oh, and finally, to add insult to injury the costume woman was there to take measurements. Perfect! That cheered me up no end.

I wrote yesterday how I have found I am cutting myself off from people online a lot - usually I spend most of my day online, and am always logged into Twitter, MSN, Facebook chat, Skype, and usually have several conversations on the go. Lately I have been appearing offline on MSN a fair bit, not signing into Skype, not signing into Facebook chat, and watching Twitter but rarely engaging with anyone. I think I am just terrified of the same thing happening with the people I trust online as it did with the people I trust in real life. I am also generally ignoring texts, and most people know better than to phone me anyway. I can't cope with feeling let down or abandoned by any more people. I am scared that somehow people from the internet will be taken over too, despite knowing that makes no sense, as I don't believe that my mum or GP etc were taken over by some form of mind control and had thoughts beamed into their heads or anything like that. I believe that the crisis team and the CMHT manager (who is probably influenced by my psych, as I feel like she is involved, despite my not seeing her since June - perhaps because of my not seeing her since June) managed to persuade L, and my GP in particular, of things that they hadn't previously believed or thought, and my GP to the extent that she did a complete 180, and went from trying to get me more support from them last Wednesday, to telling my mum they couldn't do anything because I have BPD etc on Friday, and persuading my mum of the same thing. So I know logically that unless someone from online speaks to someone from my treatment team, which is not going to happen, they can't be taken over. But that doesn't stop me feeling paranoid that they just might. Or that the crisis team and psych and everyone else are right and I am just an attention seeking, manipulative borderline who doesn't deserve any help, and people will start to see through me if I talk to them. I feel incredibly alone. I really, really feel like I need some professional support at the moment, but I have exhausted that, and now there is nowhere to turn to, and it is still a whole week before I am due to see L, who at the moment I don't even trust. I just feel so isolated and I don't know what I can possibly do.

Hopeless

I can honestly say I have never felt so hopeless in my life. I saw L this morning. I had a hideous night last night, I was feeling truly desperate and really struggling a lot, and so I was exhausted and very tense by my appointment this morning, and to be honest I went in there wanting to die far more than I wanted to get better. I can't remember it in too much detail, as my head was all over the place. At first I was finding it really difficult as there were lots of slamming doors and people talking and laughing really loudly and it was making me feel very on edge. She asked how I was. She asked what the most difficult thing to deal with was at the moment, and what was occupying most of my thoughts, and I said definitely suicidal thoughts. She asked how they had changed since I saw her 2 weeks ago: in intensity or frequency, or type, and I said all three. I had written down some of my thoughts last night, as when I was feeling so bad last night I was talking to Part of Being Sane and she said to tell L everything that was going on, and suggested I write down everything I had said to her about suicidal thoughts, images etc etc and write it down so that I could give it to L today. I wasn't sure if I would be able to give it to her or not, but at this point I mentioned that I had written about it last night, as I felt like her reading it would be easier than me saying it, but she said she wanted me to try and explain first, so I did. She never mentioned what I had written again, so I didn't show her. I said a lot of it anyway - I think there are probably things I did forget to say, but nothing too major really.

She asked about what had happened with the crisis team - what they had said and who had I seen etc. I said about speaking to someone Friday night, and then them visiting Saturday, and saying they would call the next morning, but that nobody did, and then they suddenly turned up without any warning and hadn't read my notes, and then about speaking to the woman on the phone in the evening. I said they had talked about getting me to see either their team psychiatrist or Dr E as soon as possible, and said I now had no idea what was going on, as I had been told twice on Sunday that I would be called on Monday, and I hadn't heard anything. She said that they had spoken to her Monday and discharged me back to her, and told her that they either had or would contact me, which obviously they didn't, and that they hadn't mentioned anything about arranging a psychiatrist appointment. I felt immensely frustrated by this, as it was the one thing that everyone from the crisis team that I saw or spoke to had said would happen, and I was also really annoyed that I had been discharged without being told - I think they should do what they say they are going to even if they are planning to discharge you, as the woman Sunday night just said I only needed to focus on getting through Sunday night, and then they would be ringing first thing, and seeing me again etc, and then I heard nothing all day yesterday, and although I wasn't even sure whether or not I wanted to speak to them, I found it really hard that they didn't call - partly because waiting for their calls or visits makes me very anxious, and so I spent the entire day in a state of anxiety. So that is the end of their involvement

She asked how I thought things could change, and I said I had absolutely no idea. She asked if I had been seeing or talking to friends, and I said I hadn't seen or spoken to anyone on the phone, but that I had spoken to people online. For some reason she then went on to talk about relationships - how did I feel about them, did I ever feel like I wanted to be in a relationship with someone, how do I feel about it when things are better. She asked about my concentration, and whether anything at all helped at the moment. I suppose she was just asking the type of questions usually asked to gauge risk, and that things like relationships and thoughts about the future all come into that. She started saying something about getting through this, I can't remember what, and I suddenly felt like I had been hit by a tonne of bricks - I felt physically sick and incredibly anxious, and all I could think was that I couldn't cope and that I didn't want to get through this. She asked what the matter was and I explained that, and also said that last night was just more hideous than I could possibly even begin to describe and that I just could not face another night like that, and that even things got better they would get worse again, and I couldn't cope with that, and so the thought of getting through this wasn't what I wanted - I wanted to die more than I wanted my current feelings to change, because I knew even if they changed, I would end up feeling really awful again at some point and I just couldn't cope.

I can't remember if she asked me anything else or not at this point. She said that if things were as bad as this, then she needed to think about involving my parents. I tried to explain that I genuinely didn't feel it would help (I really don't, and not because I am worried they would be able to stop me from killing myself or anything - I just do not find it helpful). I said about the woman on Sunday night telling me to ask my parents to look in on me before I went to work, and how since then the suicidal thoughts changed in nature because I felt like I needed something without a time restraint like that as a result of what she said, and that since then I had felt worse and that was really when I started getting a lot of graphic images etc. She said that she had to assess risk, and felt that with everything I was saying about how suicidal I was feeling, not being able to see a future, not caring about anything etc etc, that she had to consider what to do, and that she felt it would be appropriate to have a CPA review with my parents as well, and that we also needed to look at if anything she was doing was helping if I was feeling this bad, or whether she was using a wrong approach, or was the wrong person to be working with me. All of this made me feel even worse - I felt like I was being backed into a corner with the situation with my parents, which immediately made me start having thoughts about killing myself as soon as possible, and I then felt like the only person in mental health I had ever really trusted was going to abandon me even if I did get through this, which was another reason not to. I said that I didn't understand how I could be considered high enough risk that my parents could be talked to against my wishes, and yet the crisis team had discharged me. She said that they had discharged me back to her, so it wasn't though I had just been discharged completely, but that they had presumably done their own risk assessments.

I can't really remember what happened then. I know she said that she was mindful of the time as she had a meeting to go to, but I can't remember if that was before I said the previous things or after. She made an appointment to see me in two weeks and told me to think about things and what I wanted to change, because at the moment she felt like there was nothing to work with as my outlook just seemed so bleak, and that she would organise a CPA review at some point with my parents as well, which I am assuming will be in more than two weeks, as she is apparently on leave next week. I asked how I was supposed to get through the next two weeks alone when I didn't feel able to get through another night like last night. I said that even the thought of knowing I am supposed to go to a rehearsal tonight made me feel really desperate and sends me into a panic. I know that I was difficult today. I was completely honest, but I was in a mood where I felt like I just wanted to die rather than get better, and said so, and I know that must have been really frustrating for her. I did explain that sometimes I did feel like I wanted to get better and wanted help, but that my mood just swings so quickly between the two. She said something about needing to make the decision to keep going or something, I can't really remember. I had started to cry by this point, which is very rare for me, and she said she really needed to go, so I got up to put on my scarf and jumper and was really upset by this point, and really just wanted to sit and bawl for a while, but I knew she would need to lock up the room and so that wasn't an option, so I just had to choke back the tears and leave. She said to take care and that she would see me in two weeks.

I am unsure if a) she doesn't believe I am feeling as bad as I am, b) truly believes that I will be able to get through the next two weeks with no support as I have coped in the past since I have been seeing her, or c) doesn't care what happens to me. I actually don't think it is a) - she seemed to fully believe what I was saying, although she seemed to be at a bit of a loss about what to say some of the time. It could be b) but I don't know how if she believes a). And it could be c) but she always used to care so I don't understand what changed if it is that. I am honestly at a complete loss as to what to do. Despite feeling so ambivalent about wanting help today I was still completely honest with her and told her everything, and I still don't understand how she can think a CPA with my parents is necessary, but giving me any support at all over the next two weeks isn't. I told my GP on Friday. I was honest as I could be with the crisis team. I feel like I have done absolutely everything that I can.

Crisis team visit - 2

I feel like today has gone completely wrong and I am feeling really hopeless. I was told yesterday that the crisis team would call today at about 10 - 10:30am, and then probably come out to see me again. I left my phone on vibrate so that it would wake me up, and didn't bother setting an alarm because I knew that would wake me as it always does. I had said to my mum last night that I didn't feel comfortable talking to people when they were in the house so could they go to see my sister or something, and she said that was fine, but how would they know what time to go, and I said that the crisis team would be calling in the morning and so I would know what time they were coming then. That was the plan. And then I was going to try and tell them how bad things were.

I woke up to my phone ringing at 1pm, and it was a woman from the crisis team asking if I could tell them how to find me. I was thoroughly confused, as I hadn't had the morning phone call as planned. I assumed they needed vague directions, but when I asked where they were it turned out they were actually already outside the house - they just didn't know which house it was, as we like to confuse people by not having a name or number or anything on display. So that threw me into a complete tail spin, as their phone call had woken me up, as yet again it had been about 6am before I got to sleep, and obviously my parents were home as we hadn't had any warning, and I didn't even have time to do things like go to the toilet, so I was feeling really flustered and confused.

My mum came upstairs to do housework and was hoovering etc, so I didn't feel uncomfortable with her being there really, but my dad was downstairs, painting in a room virtually adjoining where I was sitting with the crisis team, he had very good hearing, and the man from the crisis team spoke very loudly and had an irritating habit of repeating everything I said. To be honest the whole thing was a complete fiasco. I felt paranoid that my dad would be listening in and so felt extremely uncomfortable, I was confused about why they had suddenly turned up without calling first like they were supposed to, and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to be honest with them because I was feeling so tense and anxious. To make matters worse they knew absolutely nothing about me, and had never even seen my notes - the reason they had randomly arrived was because they were out this way seeing someone else who was only about 15 minutes away, and so decided to come straight on and see me. I still don't understand a) why nobody called this morning, and b) why they couldn't have called when they were 15 minutes away so that I would have had at least had a tiny bit of advance warning. So they literally knew absolutely nothing about me, my history, when I was referred to them, why I was referred to them, how long I had been under mental health services, what my diagnosis was - nothing. I know I complained yesterday about the crisis team not reading your notes properly, but this was a whole new level - they had to ask things like how old I was, and when had I been referred to them. I said I had been referred Friday by my GP, and they asked why he (she's a she but I didn't bother correcting them) had referred me - was it because I was feeling low, and I said it was because of suicidal thoughts, which he loudly repeated, which really set off my paranoia. He asked if the feelings had changed and I said no. I think it was at this point they told me they knew nothing about me and started asking things like how old was I, and did I work, and what had I done education wise etc, and how long had I been involved with mental health services for, and why I was originally referred, and about previous suicide attempts and hospital admissions etc. They were also in agreement with the people that I saw yesterday in that I should see a psychiatrist, they said urgently, and that they would speak to their team psychiatrist tomorrow, and I would either see them or Dr E as soon as possible. I don't know if I will have any more visits from the crisis team, because they said they would speak to L tomorrow, and I am guessing she will probably not be too keen on me seeing them. He asked if I felt able to keep myself safe today and I just kind of shrugged. Saying yes would have been a lie, but I didn't feel able to say no when I was feeling so paranoid with my parents being in the house etc. He asked if I would be able to call them if things really reached crisis point, and I once again explained that no I wouldn't, because if things were any worse then I wouldn't want help. He asked if it would be ok if someone called me this evening, and would I be able to tell them if I was feeling worse, and I said that would be ok.

I am feeling really confused. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should wait for the call this evening and try and tell them how desperate I am, or whether I should call them before then, or whether I actually don't really want to speak to anyone or want any help. I am frustrated with the way today turned out. I just felt so uncomfortable and I really had intended to try and be really blunt about how I was feeling, and I just couldn't, and now I feel really hopeless and just don't know what to do. I wish they had bloody called this morning like they had arranged to do rather than just turning up with no notice.

Crisis team visit

I have had a visit from the crisis team. They called about 2:30 and checked it was ok to come, and arrived about an hour later. It was a man and a woman, both of whom I have seen before, but don't really remember much about. I had a vague recollection of the man when I saw him but if he hadn't said that he had seen me before I doubt I would have remembered. The woman I recognised by her voice - she has a lovely Irish accent, and so when she spoke I remembered seeing her before. It all feels a bit of a blur, I feel a bit like I have been hit by a bus. Not implying that they were bus-like or anything. It is just exhausting. The man did all the talking whilst the woman wrote notes.

They asked how I was, and I fairly stupidly said ok. Because it seems like the polite reply? What I find confusing about the crisis team is that they ask questions that either they already know the answer to, or if they don't then they should, as it would only take a quick peek at the notes. There seemed to be a bit of confusion as they started by saying I had switched GPs to the one I go to now, and that I used to be under another county, and I said yes, but that was two and a half years ago. I have been under the care of the crisis team since then. They then went on to say I had been under a CMHT in the other county, and I said yes, but again, that was two and a half years ago, and I have been under my current one since, and they then asked if I was still under my current team and who my care coordinator was, and when I last saw her. Surely this is all fairly simple stuff that would literally have taken a quick glance at my notes to find out? Anyway, then they said I had been to my GP yesterday and told her I was feeling depressed and suicidal and so she had referred me to them. It sounded slightly accusatory - I really didn't want them to think I was being attention seeking and to be written off as being another Borderline etc. I explained that I see my GP monthly and yesterday was just a routine appointment, but that obviously we had discussed how I was feeling. They asked some questions about how my mood was, how long it had been like it etc, and asked what had concerned my GP and made her contact them, and I said that she hadn't said she was concerned, but presumably saying I was suicidal? Seemed a bit obvious to be honest.... They asked about medication and I said that I was only on PRN Diazepam (again, perhaps check the notes?) but that when I spoke to L earlier in the week she had said perhaps it was time to consider medication again, and they agreed with that and said that they thought I should see Dr E. It is all a bit vague. I was finding a lot of things quite distracting - my head for a start, but then I have been having a lot of issues with external noises lately - I can't even have music or the TV on in the background like I would usually as I find it stressful and irritating, so noises like the wind howling (and my house is 16th century and therefore one big draft - the wind really howls) and the dog barking etc make me very tense. It appears that this was obvious in the way that I was behaving, because at one point when I talked about how difficult it was to distract myself because of not liking any noise, they said that they had noticed how tense and agitated I seemed by the dog barking and when the wind got louder etc. They talked about my sleep and went through the usual things of no caffeine too late at night, try having a bath before bed to relax you, try taking extra Diazepam etc. They asked about getting out of the house and seeing friends etc, and I said I didn't really see any friends, and that apart from my appointment with my GP yesterday I last left the house on Wednesday for rehearsal. They asked about my suicidal thoughts, and I talked for a few minutes about wanting to die, and how I feel it is perfectly reasonable given how long I have been feeling bad for etc. I think it was around this time the woman took over the talking. I liked her voice. Her accent was soothing. They asked if I thought about suicide methods, and I said constantly, and they asked if I could tell them what. I hesitated over this for a minute, as I didn't want anything taken from me or anything, so I said that I didn't really like talking about a plan. They asked if there was anything I could do to make myself safer so that I would be less likely to act on it, like give them anything, and I said that at the moment I didn't feel like I wanted to be safe - that I wanted to be able to act on the thoughts, because I didn't want to be alive. They asked if I would call if I needed to - if I was feeling worse, and I tried to explain what I had said to the man yesterday - that if I was feeling like I was going to act on my thoughts then I couldn't call because I would be too determined by that point and I wouldn't want help.

She got a bit tougher at that point - prior to then she had been quite softly spoken and gentle, and I kind of assumed she was just that type, but she got a lot more kind of authoritative and assertive and I realised she wasn't the type of person to try and bullshit actually. She went on to talk about supporting me over the weekend - she said they could call me tomorrow, and visit again if necessary, and that then on Monday they would talk to L about what the best option was, but that I had to be willing to work with them and to try and keep myself safe etc. She said one of the things that I would be expected to do was call them if I needed to, if I was feeling at risk or something. I said I understood what she was saying, but that I would not be able to call if I was feeling like I was going to act on my thoughts, because if things felt any worse and I was feeling any more overwhelmed then I wouldn't want help. She said she understood that, but that she would want me to call before it got to that point, if I felt like things were getting worse, rather than waiting until it was at the point where I was about to kill myself. That made sense, but at the same time it didn't - if things were any worse then I would be at the point where I was about to kill myself. That was why I had told my GP and the crisis team man I spoke to last night how I was feeling. I don't think there would be a middle step between here, and being at the point where it was too late for me to want help. I was feeling ambivalent about it anyway. So I wasn't really sure what to do about that, and I'm still not to be honest. I am feeling unsafe, although I think I can probably get through tonight because it isn't a night I would consider suitable, but I am struggling with that. For some reason I didn't know how to put that into words, so I couldn't explain, so I just said that I would try. She said how the crisis team is an alternative to hospital admission, and how obviously in hospital you have staff around you all the time, which you obviously don't with them, but that was why they gave out this number, and to call it if I needed to talk to someone. And that was more or less it really. Or at least it wasn't, but it was all I can remember.

I am not sure what to feel. I am absolutely exhausted. I have been writing this on and off for 4 hours now - they hadn't long left when I started it, and it is now 8:30. My head is all over the place. I just can't think or concentrate and I am finding my thoughts really distracting. I am glad they weren't completely dismissive like I was concerned they might be, but I am still feeling unsure about whether I can get through this, even with their support. I do feel like I need to see them again tomorrow, but it is difficult as my parents will be home all day, and I feel extremely uncomfortable trying to talk to someone if my parents are in the house, partly because I am worried about being overhead, and that makes me not want to be honest, and partly because I don't trust them not to insist on speaking to my parents as has happened in the past, which I don't think is fair when I am an adult who just happens to live with my parents. I am so tired, and I have a headache, but I think that if I try and sleep now I will wake up in a few hours and not be able to get back to sleep. I don't know what to think about everything. I need to stop writing because trying to think is hurting my head.

Support

I'm not really sure what to say. I am feeling bad. I saw L this morning. It was fine, but I just felt completely numb throughout it really. I am having trouble to really concentrate and think properly. There is also some not great news that I could have done without at the moment - I am going to have to switch from seeing her weekly to fortnightly. She is having to cut down on her hours for personal reasons, which means that some people are being switched to other care coordinators, and then some people that she has been seeing fortnightly will be switched to monthly, and those like me who were being seen weekly are being switched to fortnightly. I understand why it is necessary, but that doesn't make it any easier, particularly when I am feeling as terrible as I have been lately, and now am supposed to get through the next two weeks alone. I can't help comparing the support I have now, with what I was getting this time last year - last year I was seeing L weekly, and then also my old support worker N weekly for a couple of hours, and my psychiatrist Dr E monthly. I am now reduced to seeing L fortnightly. If this was due to an improvement in how I was doing then that would be great, but it isn't - it is unfortunately almost entirely due to staff circumstances.

N's job was cut due to funding issues - she was only on a one year contract with MIND and was then seconded to the CMHT, but MIND had their funding cut, and so her contract was not renewed, so there was no longer a support worker for me to see. That didn't bother me too much - I liked her, but I didn't have any attachment issues with her, and although sometimes it was nice to get out the house with her etc, it wasn't too difficult to stop seeing her as I still had L, who was my main source of support. My psychiatrist stopped seeing me because she had stopped all of my medications except my PRN Diazepam, which meant that she no longer felt like it was necessary to see me. Again, I didn't really have an issue with that as 15 minutes every month or two with her never felt particularly helpful, and I didn't really feel like she listened to me much. Now my contact with L is being cut because of her circumstances, which is really difficult, as essentially that hour or so a week I spend with her is the only time all week that I feel able to actually be honest about how I am feeling, and can be around someone without feeling a need to put on a front and pretend everything is fine.

Throughout my appointment I couldn't stop thinking how much I wanted to die, and how I desperately didn't still want to be alive in 2 weeks, and also what a long way away that felt, and how was I possibly meant to get through that on my own. I just felt like sitting there and crying my eyes out, but I didn't want to make her feel guilty about something that isn't her fault and that she can't do anything about. When I left I wanted to burst into tears but I couldn't because I was then in the car with my mum and a) she wouldn't have understood why only seeing L fortnightly was such a big deal, and b) I don't like showing emotion like that - I have never been good at it, and I just feel awkward and uncomfortable. I am on my own now but I just feel numb.

I have been really struggling with my weight and eating lately. Whenever my mood goes down I get increasingly fixated on my weight, and since it is post Christmas that isn't really helping at the moment. I gained a couple of pounds over Christmas, which I was expecting and so could kind of accept. But now Christmas is all over, and I am still struggling with it. I always find that when I start eating more often, like I was over Christmas, I find it more difficult to go back to my usual eating patterns, and that is the only way that I am ever able to control my weight. It doesn't help that I still have some chocolates left over from Christmas that I am working my way through, but it is more than that - I am just eating more generally than I feel comfortable with. On Saturday I was back down to my pre-Christmas weight (which is still higher than I was to be), but then Saturday and Sunday I ate too much, and so gained a pound, and expect I have gained even more as I ate a lot yesterday, but I haven't weighed today because I had to be up early to go and see L, and I have particular times I will weigh myself. But my middle of the night weight last night was considerably higher than the night before, and that is generally a fairly accurate indicator. I feel disgusting. I hate myself for being so greedy. And yet I feel so shit, and food is somehow comforting, despite being distressing at the same time. So I am comfort eating I suppose, and yet not even remotely comforting because it makes me feel shit. I don't know. I am just desperate I suppose, and in a way it feels like I may as well eat whatever the hell I want, because it isn't going to matter anyway if I am dead.

I don't know. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to cope with things. I don't know how I am expected to get through my life with one hour of support every two weeks. I don't even feel like I want to at the moment. I feel like such a fucking mess, and I am bloody exhausted.

Session with L - family, care plan, crisis and meds

I saw L this morning. It was quite a difficult appointment for me. It was constructive, I feel like we talked about quite a lot. But some of it was hard, and I wasn't expecting it to be. We started off talking about my sister, which was ok - L asked about the whole Facebook scenario, and how she still isn't speaking to me, and there is also an update on that. My mother found out on Sunday, via our old next door neighbour, that my sister and family are going to Scotland for Christmas. My sister hadn't told my mum this, who was fairly understandably quite hurt, as she has still been spending time with my sister as usual, and there is no reason for her not to have told her. My mum wasn't upset about my sister going to Scotland - that is where her partner is from, and so it is something they should do at some point - the reason they never have before is because my sister loathes her in laws. But seemingly not as much as she loathes me. It was the fact she hadn't even told her, and that she had heard it from our old next door neighbour. She spoke to my sister yesterday and asked when she had planned on telling her, and my sister replied when she had asked. Since only 2 weeks ago my mum had asked my sister what the plans were for Christmas I thought this was unfair, and typically immature. Last year we (my parents and I) went to my sister for Christmas Day, despite my dad and I much preferring to stay at home, and so had things been 'normal' this year, they would probably have come to us Christmas Day, as we tend to alternate since everyone prefers to be at home, but seems to want to be together. But my sister made some dig at my mum saying that she knew we wouldn't have gone there for Christmas Day, even though apparently parents are supposed to go to their children for Christmas if said children have children. I don't think this is true anyway - I think it can work either way, and there are actually 4 of us - my sister is not an only child, and I am not sure why she feels like Christmas should be arranged to suit her every year. But she does. So since we wouldn't be going there (partly because we went there last year, and partly because I don't think I would have been welcome anyway and my parents wouldn't have left me at home alone on Christmas Day) she decided to go up to Scotland instead, but not bother to tell my mother. I have to say, I do sometimes marvel at how selfish and inconsiderate my sister can be.

Anyway, then we talked about my care plan for a little while. Apparently it needs updating, so we briefly discussed what needs changing. I am pleased to report that the idea of telling me to go to A&E if I am feeling suicidal is being taken off. That was such a shit idea, implemented by my previous care coordinator, who insisted on it if I even mentioned the word suicide. It has proven to actually be quite unhelpful, because I already know that is an option anyway, so it being on there adds nothing to it, and is something I would be incredibly unlikely to do anyway. However, something I am slightly more likely to do, in that I have done it before through choice, is calling the out of hours number. This is not the crisis team. You can only see the crisis team if you are referred - there is no direct access to them (good system for when you are in crisis isn't it?) This out of hours number goes through to the local psych ward, and one of the nurses there will talk to you. However, the last time I called it I spoke to someone who said that there was nothing they could do, and my care plan said to go to A&E. This was the middle of the night, and absolutely not something I was going to do, and not even what I needed. I needed to talk through my feelings with someone and hopefully get some suggestions as to how to cope. But because of my care plan saying to go to A&E that was what they had to tell me to do. So hopefully with that erased I will be able to actually have a conversation with them if I need to in the future - it does already say that I sometimes need to talk to someone, and obviously in hours that will generally be L, but that out of hours I can call them to talk, but she is going to make sure that is made more obvious, so that they don't try and just fob me off onto A&E. Obviously I have now got a date through for the psychology assessment, so that will need updating. I think there were various other points too, but I believe they were the main ones.

We talked a bit about periods when I am in crisis. She explained more fully her reasoning for not wanting me to be involved with the crisis team, and also hospital, although we talked about that to a lesser extent. What she said was certainly not a revelation to me - it is something I have picked up on myself, and I am sure that many other people have too. Basically she said that she feels like the crisis team see mental illness in very black and white terms (does that mean they are all Borderline I wonder?), and that they will take referrals for people with psychosis, or clear Bipolar, for example if someone is very manic, seriously, but that they pretty much write off all other mental health problems as not needing their attention etc. She said she is worried that their attitude can do more harm than good, as they can be very invalidating (which I have experienced, and I know many other bloggers have too) which can actually result in making you feel even worse. She said they often just see people once to assess them, judge them as not actually being ill enough to need their help, and then refer them back to the CMHT, despite their care coordinator, who obviously knows them best, feeling that they need crisis input. Obviously my diagnosis being BPD, rather than just depression makes this even more of an issue, as there is so much stigma surrounding BPD still, and she said that she sees it an awful lot, both on the wards, and in the crisis team (and I have certainly seen it in other members of the CMHT) and that people with BPD are still so often dismissed as being attention seekers and all the other old stereotypes, and she thinks it can be very detrimental. I understand this, and I did suspect this may have been part of her reasoning behind not referring me when I asked a few weeks ago. I said that obviously during office hours, and when she is there it is ok, because I can call and talk to her, but out of hours, or if she isn't there then it is very difficult as there isn't really anyone I can turn to for support. I think that unfortunately that is just a failing of the system, and there isn't much that can be done about it though. Obviously I can call the duty worker at the CMHT if she isn't there, or I can call the out of hours number, but I think that talking to someone who doesn't know you always has limited usefulness, as really they are fairly limited to suggesting the usual patronising things like going for a walk or having a bath. I also told her that I felt like I needed some help with coming up with things I could do when in crisis. Not when things were starting to slip, but when I am really at rock bottom and have no concentration or motivation, and can't do anything. Not calling people, or any outside help, but things that I could do myself. I find it very difficult, because I just lose all ability to focus on anything, and so distracting myself is almost impossible. I try and write how I am feeling to get it out of me, but that isn't really a distraction - it is just something to try and sort out my thoughts. When things are that bad reading is out of the question, and even watching TV or listening to music are more than I feel able to do. But one of the things I am consistantly asked if I speak to someone other than L when in crisis, is what have we discussed as distraction techniques for that, and I don't think we have. It obviously needs to be really very basic stuff, as my IQ just seems to nose dive when my mood really crashes, and I don't have the concentration to do anything for long. She said that she will try and come up with some things, and has asked me to as well, but I am struggling to really think of anything, so any suggestions would be welcome. Things that don't involve much energy, concentration or motivation, and yet can still provide something of a distraction. Answers on a postcard....

I also mentioned medication, as I feel that whilst I had very bad episodes whilst on medication, overall I have struggled more since I haven't been taking anything, and this last crisis period was particularly difficult, and was probably one of the lowest I have ever experienced. Which was perhaps something of a saving grace, as I was too exhausted to act on my thoughts, despite the strength of them. But my head being so noisy was very difficult to cope with, and it was just really hideous. So she is going to speak to Dr E about it. I suspect Dr E will stick to her view that you don't medicate people with BPD, but I quite clearly have depression as well as BPD, and so I think medication for that would be appropriate. Whether or not it would help or not I don't know, but I feel like I need to try something.

I can't remember how, but we somehow got onto the issue of my childhood. I was going to go into what we talked about now, but I am actually feeling like I want to talk about all of my childhood, not just what I discussed with L today, and so I am going to continue this post tomorrow, as this is already very long, and although I have started writing about my childhood, there is still an awful lot to go, and I think it requires a post to itself. So I will finish this tomorrow. I will talk about my childhood generally, and also what I discussed with L, which was the part of the session that I found quite difficult. So to be continued.....

Appointment with Dr O

I wouldn't exactly call my appointment with Dr O today a success. Often when I see her I feel like she is grasping at straws, and will therefore take anything that I say or do that could possibly be construed as vaguely positive, or at least not overtly negative, and jump on it and say how well I am doing. Whilst I am sure this is supposed to be encouraging, to be honest it comes across as frustrating, because I feel like she doesn't actually know how I am really feeling, and also somewhat patronising. Today was definitely one of those days.

My mum works in a school, which I used to attend, and they had Speech Day this morning, which I went to with her, so when I saw Dr O this afternoon I was wearing a dress and had make up on. She didn't ask how I was, or how things had been - the first thing she said was that I looked different, and pointed out that I had make up on, so I explained that I had been at the Speech Day that morning. After that she said how nice it was to see me doing so much better, and how I seemed so much brighter, and how she really hoped that this good patch would continue. Whilst it is of course nice that she wants to see me doing better, it would have been nice if at some point during my appointment she had actually asked how I was feeling, rather than assuming that because I had make up on everything was great. If I had been very bright and smiley it would possibly have been more acceptable, although I really would prefer it if people judged me on what I said, rather than how I acted, as the two are often very different, but I really don't think I came across as any different to usual, bar the dress and make up. She said something about how much progress I had made, and how now all I needed to do was find something to do that I would be enthusiastic about etc. I then said that I didn't want to be here, and just couldn't make myself care about anything - that in the brief periods where things are a bit better, or I have some energy etc, than it is performing and theatre that I care about, but the rest of the time it feels like a chore rather than anything pleasurable. I explained how I was rehearsing The Tempest, and that I had initially hoped that if I started doing it then I would find some enthusiasm for it, but that it just hadn't happened, and that I don't like going to rehearsals, and I am stressed about my complete inability to concentrate on anything, as it is making line learning impossible, and I now have 2 and a half weeks to learn an entire Shakespeare play. Well it isn't just concentration - it is also a complete lack of motivation. I just can't be bothered. I told her there was nothing that I felt enthusiastic about, and that I am just here until I manage to kill myself. I said that even when I am thinking perfectly rationally and logically, I think that suicide is the right thing for me to do, and is what will end up happening.

She then told me that suicide was selfish, to which I said that I don't consider suicide any more selfish than other people forcing (or trying to) someone to stay alive when they have wanted to die for years, as it is just weighing up one person's pain against anothers, and I don't see how one can be seen as selfish, and the other perfectly acceptable, which she thought was a completely crazy way of looking at it, and said I had been given this life and that I should make the most of it and do as much with it as I could. She then said about all the people out there who are ill or missing limbs or paralysed etc, and how much they would love to be healthy etc. I said that I understood that, and if I could give them my health/life then I absolutely would, but that actually me being alive doesn't make things any better for them, and that actually the best thing would probably be to find a suicide method whereby I could be an organ donor, as then some of these people would be able to become more healthy. I was actually getting really quite irritated by all of this, as I felt like she was imposing her personal views regarding suicide and life etc on me, and I don't think that is right. Luckily she didn't seem to have a response to my last comment, and said she should see her next patient.

Overall, I felt completely ignored and invalidated by my appointment today. I know she is only my GP, and she isn't a therapist or anything, but she literally didn't ask at any point how I was feeling, or how things had been over the last month since I last saw her. She also didn't know that I had had a CPA review, although whether that was her fault or that of the CMHT I am not sure - GPs are supposed to be invited to CPA reviews, although they rarely attend, but she didn't seem to know anything about it, and in fact when I mentioned having had a CPA, she asked what that was, which following on from her asking if there were any types of therapy apart from CBT last time really didn't fill me with confidence. I was also not happy about the conversation about suicide - I know that some people view suicide as selfish, but someone telling you that suicide is selfish is hardly going to make you re-think your views, or change the way you feel, and so I don't understand why people say it. She is Catholic, and I am not religious, and I have found in the past that has been a problem on occasion - several times when I saw her she kept saying how much going to church would help me, which I thought was inappropriate.

At the moment I feel like things with all the professionals involved in my care are going downhill. As I said before, I will no longer be having any routine appointments with my psychiatrist, things don't feel right with L, and my GP doesn't bother asking me how I am, tells me how well I am doing, and then lectures me on the selfishness of suicide. I suppose I don't need to see my GP as regularly as I have been doing so - once a month - it is probably more habitual than out of any real need, so perhaps I should just stop that, and only see her when I actually need to. Although you have to book an appointment about 3 weeks in advance, as they are always so booked up, unless it is an emergency. I just want my old GP back. Which of course is impossible, but at least someone who is understanding, and has knowlegde of mental health problems and treatment. Dr O is a nice person, but right now it feels like that is the only positive thing I can say about her. I am really feeling pretty shit about everything treatment wise at the moment. There are clearly no plans to put me on medication, since I am no longer seeing Dr E. Although I have never been terribly pro medication, I don't like that it doesn't even seem to be considered, however things are. Dr O doesn't even bother asking how I am and just bases it all on how I look. And I feel like L is starting to give up on me. Which is understandable I suppose, as I gave up on myself a long time ago, but I am really feeling like a lost cause now. Which yet again brings me back to suicide...

Relationships with professionals

I talked in my last post about relationships with friends etc being complicated. At the moment I am feeling like relationships with professionals are just as complicated - sometimes more so. I said recently that I feel like my relationship with L, or how I feel about it, has changed, and I wasn't sure how or why, and I have been thinking about that. I think it is probably partly because I haven't seen her as regularly lately - she has had to cancel several appointments, and she has also had leave, and that has left me partly not feeling quite as comfortable with her because of having been seeing her less, and also quite let down and rejected because of the cancelled appointments. I find it very difficult to trust people, and there are very few people that I do completely trust, and I usually end up getting very attached to those people, as I have with L, and so then when I feel rejected by them I tend to back right off, to stop myself getting more hurt. I do know that the cancelled appointments haven't been her fault, and that it has been because she has had other patients in crisis etc, but know it is related to other patients that she sees makes it even harder in some ways, because I feel intensely jealous of them - I suppose for being in the type of crisis that means she has to cancel all of her other appointments. It makes me feel like they are important, and I'm not - nobody has ever cancelled all their other appointments when I have been in crisis. It sounds very petty and childish, but that is the way I feel. I also seem to see her for less time now even when I do see her. I usually used to see her for about an hour and a half - then there was the period when I was supposed to see her twice a week (which only actually happened twice, as the other times she had to cancel the other appointment that week), and so the appointments were shorter, only an hourish, but there were 2 of them (or supposed to be). Now it has gone back to once a week, but the appointments are still shorter - the week before last was just about an hour, then last weeks was cancelled, and then this weeks was about 50 minutes. Again, I know it sounds minor, but it makes me feel like she doesn't think it is worth seeing me for longer like she used to. And then there is the whole making goals and setting targets thing that was brought up at my CPA, and that L has been talking about since. I just can't seem to do it - I can't think of any goals or targets to make at all, but L wants them to come from me. And I am constantly worried that if I can't think of anything, and I am not making any progress, then she will discharge me. It is a cliche, but I am terrified of being abandoned by her, I really am. And I keep wondering if that is why she is seeing me less lately etc - because she doesn't see the point when nothing changes and I don't make any progress. I think all of those things are affecting my relationship with her, because I am scared of being too reliant on her, as I think I am, and then being dropped, so I am subconsciously trying to distance myself a bit. Relationships with therapists and other professionals are really hard, because they are the people you are meant to be able to trust, and rely on, and be honest with more than anyone else, and yet there is always fear, for me anyway, that they will leave, or something will happen that will stop you seeing them etc, and it is incredibly hard to deal with that when it does happen, so part of you doesn't want to let them in, or let yourself get reliant on them, because then it hurts too much when they leave, or you can't see them anymore.

I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow. I have mixed feelings about her at the moment. I started thinking about my relationship with her after reading DeeDee's post on Mental Nurse about GPs and Mental Illness. I can't decide what I think about my GP. She is nice, she tries to understand, and when I was first seeing her and waiting on an appointment with the psychiatrist, she pushed for that etc. So in some ways she is good. On the other hand, I get the impression sometimes that she thinks I just need to pull myself together and stop being a mentalist, which is obviously not as simple as it sounds. When I saw her and was very suicidal she told me to replace the obsessive thoughts about suicide with obsessive thoughts about something else - I like dogs was her suggestion I believe... She claimed not to notice when I gained 25lbs, and yet recently when I mentioned my weight having gone down slightly (2lbs), she said she had thought I looked like I had lost weight. Last time I saw her she asked if I had had CBT - I said that I had and thought that it was patronising crap for the most part. She then asked me if there were any other types of therapy. Whilst she is not a specialist, I would expect a GP to know that more types of therapy than CBT exist. I said that DBT is usually the recommended treatment (in the NICE guidelines) for BPD, and she asked what that was. I gave a little explanation (bearing in mind I have never had any DBT myself) and she said she thought that sounded really good and would really help me. I explained that it wasn't available in our area, and her suggestion was that I become a DBT therapist so that I can run DBT sessions in our area?! This was one of the most bizarre suggestions I have ever had from any professional, ever. I think that she probably mainly has experience with IAPT, and I believe some of the people who deliver that do literally just do like a short course in basic CBT etc, which I can only assume was her reasoning for thinking I could become a DBT therapist. She didn't seem to realise that even if it was that simple, it wouldn't actually help me, as I need therapy myself - not to become a therapist for others. So she says some pretty ridiculous and unhelpful things at times. But she is nice, and I think she does genuinely want me to get better - she just seems to have very little knowledge past the absolute basics about mental health problems, and so I think doesn't know what to say a lot of the time. I have considered seeing another GP, but I do like her, and it is a small practice of 3 Doctors, and she is the only female. I am generally more comfortable with females, and one of the others I wouldn't consider seeing, as he was the first GP I ever spoke to about my mental health problems, back when I was 17, and was very unhelpful and unsympathetic. The other I think may possibly be the best where mental health is concerned, but I used to know him outside of the Dr/patient relationship (which is what happens when you live in a rural area!), and have therefore always felt slightly uncomfortable talking to him. But I don't know if my GP is right for me really, and I do sometimes feel like she doesn't grasp how desperate and suicidal I am feeling when things are really bad etc. I miss my old GP. She was the perfect combination of caring and knowledgable. Living where I do I don't have much choice in terms of GPs, and I do like Dr O, as I have said. But for example if L was on leave, and I was having a very bad, suicidal episode or something, and really needed help, the person I would try to speak to would probably be my GP, as I would rather speak to someone I know than a random CMHT member that I don't know, or even worse, my ex CCO, who really was a chocolate teapot. And I know that I wouldn't get anything in the way of help or suggestions from Dr O, except to talk to L when she was back. She wouldn't speak to the CMHT or Crisis Team or actually do anything. Maybe that is ok, and normal for GPs, and I expect too much after my old, fantastic GP. It just doesn't feel quite right. As I said, I have an appointment with her tomorrow, so I will see how that goes. I did think about seeing the GP there that I used to know, but if it felt too uncomfortable then I would then feel really awkward about going back to Dr O. Maybe better the devil you know?

Then there is Dr E, my psychiatrist. Again, she is nice, but is completely unwilling to try me on any medications, even though both L and I feel that I have been worse overall since coming off anti depressants, and I don't think would ever admit me to hospital or refer me to the Crisis Team however bad things were. So basically she does absolutely nothing, and therefore I am not going to be seeing her anymore, unless I want to for something in particular, in which case L will get me an appointment with her. So basically she is out of the picture now, and I am not sure how I feel about not being under the care of a psychiatrist, particularly since Dr O won't ever touch my medication, or rather she would never change anything when I was on medication - now I only have Diazepam there isn't much to touch I suppose.

I think overall I just have this feeling of being stuck, and general dissatisfaction at the moment with my mental health and treatment for it, or some of the time, lack of. I still think L is great, and I am still very attached to her, but for the reasons I talked about above I feel like things have gone slightly off with her, and given that she is now the only person I see about my mental health problems, this feels like a problem. I can't see anything changing for me with my current treatment, and that makes me feel very hopeless, as I can't cope with living like this, which in turn leads to suicidal thoughts. And that is why relationships with professionals are so complicated!

CPA Review

I don't really know what to write. My head feels in a bit of a spin really, but I don't know why.

I had my CPA review this afternoon. L came out and said that Dr E was running a bit late so she would have a chat with me first. She asked how I had been the last couple of days, and I told her that I was struggling, and had been purging daily, and that I had self harmed again last night etc. We talked briefly about the self harm, and what was behind it etc, and why did I think I was doing it at the moment, when it is so rare for me to do etc. She asked if I had thought of anything in particular I wanted to talk about in the review, and it was about then that Dr E came in. Things went pretty much as expected really. L gave a little summary of how she saw things over the last 6 months, and Dr E asked how I had seen things etc. L brought up medication, and said how I felt that I have been lower overall since I have been off it. Then there was lots of talk about needing to set goals, so that there was something objective to look at in terms of improvement etc. I switched off slightly - it was all a bit much for me to try and think about. I think this went on for a while - them talking about trying to set little goals, and get me into a better routine etc, and me saying the odd word but nothing too much, as it is hard to think about. Dr E didn't seem to want to prescribe any medication - she didn't mention it again after L and I had talked about it. Basically the outcome was that the next 6 months would be spent trying to set (and achieve) some goals, like sorting out my sleeping and that sort of thing. I am not going to be seeing Dr E regularly any more, since I am only on Diazepam at the moment - if I need to see her for something then L will get me an appointment with her, but I won't have any regular appointments with her. And that was about it. Pretty much as I thought really.

After that Dr E left, and I talked to L for a while. She asked how I was feeling. I said that I didn't know why, but I felt like bursting into tears. I told her that I had found it really difficult talking about goals etc, as I was feeling so suicidal that I just didn't see myself being here, and that was all I could think about. That the whole time they were talking all I could think was that there was no point trying to set goals because I wouldn't be here. And that that is all has been going round and round in my head the last few days. It has been so frustrating the last few weeks, knowing that things have been going downhill, and yet not knowing how to stop it. I said that when I saw her on tuesday and she said she was on leave next week, that the first thing I thought was that in that case I wouldn't be seeing her again, and that I hoped she wouldn't think I had killed myself because she wasn't there. I was finding it really hard to talk, because I was on the verge of tears. When I left I went into the toilets and cried for a while - I just felt so awful, and completely hopeless.

Since then I have been feeling pretty numb and flat, just drained really. I just don't want to be here, and the thoughts are so strong that I don't know how to get rid of them or stop myself acting on them. But I know I have said things like that before. And I know that really there's not much anyone can do about it. It just feels very isolating and overwhelming and suicide really does feel like the only option - I can't see a future and I don't want a future. I couldn't honestly say what will happen over the next few days or week. I might be fine, or I might not - I really don't know at the moment. I know how I feel at the moment, but what I think will happen doesn't always.

Appointment talk

I saw L earlier. It was ok. Not the best appointment I have ever had, but it was fine. I think I was probably quite hard work - she had to do a lot of the talking. She said I seemed very low, which I suppose I am. She asked me a few of the sort of questions I will be asked at the CPA review on Thursday, which I found hard - about whether going there helped or not, and how etc, and was talking about how we probably need to set some goals etc, because they are forced into being very goal orientated, and have to evidence everything and all that sort of NHS bullshit stuff. I know she dislikes all that as much as I do, but that's the way they have to work. I just find it totally impossible to think about the future and goals and that sort of thing when I am feeling very suicidal, because I don't intend there to be a future, and so then I just find it really difficult to even talk about it and everything feels very pointless because I just can't imagine it, so I just kind of sit there, and my head is whirling around and yet nothing quite makes sense.

This week is kind of bad timing for a CPA review given how I am feeling, as I am just not in the right frame of mind to think about setting goals, and I always find them stressful in case they turn around and say I am not getting better so they will discharge me or something. I know that isn't going to happen, but Dr E will ask all the questions about how is seeing L helping, and have things improved since I started seeing her etc, and I just don't know how to answer. Yes, it helps to see her, but I can't really say why - I just know I feel worse when I don't see her. But I am no better than I was when I started seeing her, which would imply that it isn't making any difference, so then I am scared that she will turn around and say it isn't helping and therefore there is no point me seeing her. But I can't lie and say I am doing better, because I'm not.

I will see L on Thursday at my review, and then she said she would see me for a little while afterwards, and then next week she is on leave. Which again, isn't great timing, but it is just one of those things. I always find it harder when she is away, because not only do I not get to see her, but I can't call and talk to her if I am struggling either. And given the suicidal thoughts I am having, that I can't act on this week, the weekend and next weekend was looking to be bad anyway, and not having her there will make it even harder. Part of me wasn't too bothered, because I thought if I was going to kill myself then it wouldn't make any difference to me whether she was there next week or not, although I was tempted to say that if I tried to kill myself next week it wasn't because she was on leave, it would have happened anyway. But I didn't say that because it sounds pretty stupid. But then the other part of me that is trying to get through this is quite worried about her being away when I am struggling so much anyway, and isn't really sure how to deal with it. I don't know. I am confused.

I am still struggling with everything. I have purged a couple of times today, and I am still obsessing over my weight, which frustratingly isn't going down. I am weighing myself quite a few times a day. Always when I wake up, and then often in the afternoon or evening, and then again in the middle of the night. And then each time I weigh myself I am doing it two or three times to check it is right. So I am probably getting on the scales 6 - 9 times a day. Which sounds a bit stupid really, but I understand my reasoning behind it. But I do need my weight to start going down again really soon, because it is frustrating me, and when my weight is going down I feel more able to cope with things generally. I feel in control of something, and something positive is happening, whereas if it stays the same or goes up then I just feel even more useless amd out of control.

Busy busy

I feel like such a fuck up. I am really annoyed with myself about the summer course in America. I should have done it. I still don't know if i would have been able to cope with it or not, but I am really angry with myself for not trying. I should have gone. I am stupid. I have been looking into summer courses over here, but with everything else going on it will be really hard to fit it in, and none of the courses over here look nearly as good and I am just bloody pissed off with myself. Plus doing a 2 week course over here including accommodation would cost me as much as the 3 week course in America including accommodation, because I got given financial aid for it. I am a twat, I should have just gone.

I feel like I have taken on too much with these plays. Everything is clashing, and I feel like I have too much on. Tomorrow I have a readthrough for the Shakespeare. Monday I have ballet. Tuesday I have a singing rehearsal for the musical, and should also be at a Shakespeare rehearsal, but I obviously can't be in too places at once. Wednesday I have ballet. Friday I have the drama festival performance. So Thursday is my only free evening for the next week. Then I also have an appointment with L one day, although I don't know which yet as she has lost her diary, I have my CPA review with L and Dr E on Thursday. Friday I am supposed to be seeing Dr O at 9:20, but I have had an appointment through for the Voice Clinic (which the ENT Dr said he was going to refer me to) at 10:30, and that is a 35 minute drive from the GP surgery, so if the GP is running on time it would be ok, but if she is late then it would all go hideously wrong. The obvious thing would be to rearrange the GP appointment but they are so bloody busy at the moment - I had to make this appointment 4 weeks in advance, so I am not sure what to do really. But I don't want to change the Voice Clinic appointment, because I was really pleased it came through so soon, and they only hold it alternate fridays, so it would mean having to wait at least another 2 weeks. There is just too much on. I feel quite overwhelmed by it all.

I really don't want to go to my CPA review. Even though Dr E is nice, I still find seeing her a bit intimidating. I suppose it is just because she is a Psychiatrist. And I always feel really put on the spot when she asks me things. She will ask me all the questions about is seeing L helpful, and if I say yes then she will ask me how it is helping me, and what it is that is helpful and all that sort of thing, and I just freeze and don't know what to say. And I will sit there feeling really awkward. I don't like it. I don't want to go.

Purged again today. This is starting to become a pattern, which isn't great. The suicidal thoughts are certainly going strong too. Not really sure what I can do about it. I don't know how to stop them getting stronger and stop myself from getting worse.

Not great

I haven't had a great day again. I purged earlier. Not a massive deal, but it is something I haven't done for a month or 2. It wasn't that I ate and then felt guilty - I just decided I would have a Creme Egg and then purge it, so I did. Apart from that my eating hasn't been too bad today - about 500kcals, not including the purged Creme Egg. Which will be some calories, but I don't know how many.

I seem to have a need to do destructive things at the moment, or things that aren't good for me. I don't really know why. My head is just full of hurting myself, and thoughts of overdosing, and I just seem to need to do something damaging.

I suppose I do feel like I am quite at risk at the moment, in terms of overdosing etc - all the warning signs are there. But knowing the warning signs isn't really much help, when I don't know what I can do to stop things from getting worse. I always know when I am getting worse. I always know when I am going into crisis mode. But I don't ever know how to stop it, and I don't ever know how to get out of it once I am there.

I saw L yesterday, but I am not able to see her again this week - I was supposed to see her again on friday but she had to cancel. That is the last 3 weeks I have only been able to see her once, rather than the twice that I was supposed to be seeing her at the moment. These things happen I guess. It just isn't great timing really. Well obviously not, since the reason I am supposed to be seeing her twice is because I haven't been doing well lately.

I have my CPA review next week. I think I will ask Dr E about going back on anti depressants. I think overall things have been worse since I have stopped them. I don't know if the lows have been lower, because I find it difficult to compare them, as that episode always feels like the worst ever when I am in it, until another one comes along. But I do feel like overall things have been worse. My sleep is bad, my concentration is bad, my memory is bad, my eating is bad, I am irritable, I can't make myself care about anything, I am having constant suicidal thoughts. I am not claiming that anti depressants got rid of all of these things, or indeed any of them, but I just feel like overall things have been worse and the feelings and thoughts more persistent, and my brain has felt more scrambled, since I came off anti depressants.

Appointments today

So I had 2 appointments today. First with N, and then one with Dr E and L. When N arrived we stayed here for a little while and then went to the town. We were planning to go into Costa but I didn't want to be around people so we just sat in the car.

Then I had my appointment with Dr E and L. Again, I can only remember bits of it - I was kind of drifting in and out. They asked what the hardest thing was at the moment, and I said the suicidal thoughts and how I couldn't get a break from them because of not having the concentration to do anything, and so I couldn't distract myself. Dr E asked some questions that I can't really remember, I just know I couldn't answer. Things about seeing L, and what was helping and what I was learning etc. She also asked why things are so bad at the moment, and what was causing it. I said I didn't know. She asked if it was because N is leaving. I said no. L mentioned that a while back I jokingly said that I was cursed because everyone that I see ends up going off sick long term, or leaving. Dr E really latched onto this and said I was feeling like this because of N leaving. I said I really didn't think it was. She said it was and that I was feeling rejected and abandoned. I didn't have the energy to argue so I just didn't say anything more about it. For the record I really do not think it has anything to do with N leaving. If L was leaving then absolutely, I would be a mess, but although I like N I do not feel attached to her, and whilst it is a shame she is leaving I am not upset about it.

They asked what would be helpful. L asked if it would help if she called me every day. I was very honest and said that I was feeling so suicidal that I really couldn't imagine not killing myself and that I couldn't even make myself think about tomorrow or next week as in my mind they don't exist. L said she would ring tomorrow. Dr E told me I needed to distract myself, which made me wonder if she had heard anything I had said earlier on in the appointment. She told me to go for a walk, which made me laugh hysterically for no real reason, which turned into crying. She kept saying that they understood how hard it was, and that they were there to support me, which whilst well meaning, came across as rather patronising given that I haven't seen her since January, and therefore she isn't really a source of support for me. L saying that would be fine, as she actually does support me, but it just seemed a bit trite coming from someone I haven't seen for 3 months. She also gave me the usual speech about what a talented, intelligent girl I am, and what a shame it was to see me like this. I never find that a helpful comment, and it baffles me when people who have never seen me perform say that I am talented. I said that I was completely exhausted and I just need to make everything stop.

There was no mention of medication, so I am assuming that L had already spoken to Dr E about that before I saw them and that Dr E had vetoed that idea. So overall it was much as I had expected really. I was particularly useless and bad at speaking, and whilst what I have written here is the jist of what I said, it was rather more confused and muttered with the odd staring into space and having to be brought back to earth to continue what I was saying etc. But at least I have been completely honest about my suicidal intent, so nobody can say I should have told someone how I was feeling or anything, as I clearly have done so.

Dead inside

I am so exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. This probably won't be very long. I saw L this morning, and I spoke to her on the phone yesterday. Today was hard. I can't think. My brain is broken. It is full of fuzz and I can't think properly. The appointment is a bit hazy. I do remember odd bits, but a lot of it I don't. I think I spent most of the time just staring at my shoes. Even forming words feels like an enormous effort. And my head feels too heavy. I remember saying at one point that I thought it was going to fall off because it was too heavy, and L asked me if I was ok to carry on. I have an appointment with Dr E tomorrow, the rearranged one from when she was off sick last time. L is going to be there too. I am supposed to think about anti depressants tonight. About whether I want to go back on them, and if so have any helped more than others. L said I seem really quite depressed and that interferes with your cognitive functioning and makes therapy almost impossible, and that going back on medication might help lift my mood enough to let me think again. I am still planning to try and kill myself so it doesn't really make a lot of difference to me whether Dr E gives me anti depressants or not. She said I looked like I needed to go home and sleep. I said my mum would be angry with my if I did that, but I think I am going to anyway. She will be out at work for the next few hours and what she knows won't hurt her. I don't know what to do with myself when I am awake.

GP appointment

I didn't really manage to talk to my GP about how I was feeling. I did kind of mean to, but at the same time I really didn't see the point. She can't alter my medications - only my psychiatrist is allowed to do that, and L has already said she is going to talk to my psychiatrist about putting me back on anti depressants, it was just unfortunate that my psych was off this week and so it will probably end up being another month before I get to see her.

Anyway, back to the appointment with Dr O. So yes, she can't change my meds, and there isn't a lot else she (or anyone else) can do, so it didn't seem like there was much point telling her how I feel. But I did intend to try. But she started talking about how she really thought I should stop the Diazepam (ongoing theme), and so we ended up talking about that. I said that there have been quite a few times when Diazepam has stopped me from self harming or overdosing - when I have been really desperate and upset and really in a mess, sometimes taking a couple of Diazepam has taken the edge off enough to stop me from hurting myself. And I don't know what would happen at these times if I didn't have that. She said maybe replacing it with something less toxic (her word, not mine) would be a good idea, and asked if the physical symptoms of anxiety or the thoughts were worse - I said definitely the thoughts, as I don't get loads in the way of physical symptoms, and those I do get I could live with if it wasn't for the thoughts. She was clearly hoping I would answer the other way around, as she said it can be difficult to tell them apart. I asked what she was thinking of and she said Propranolol as it would apparently help with the physical symptoms and then I could cope with the thoughts, as she thinks Diazepam is just covering up the thoughts and is like putting a blanket over things. I said that is exactly WHY I take the Diazepam - because it does that. There is no way I am swapping Diazepam for Propranolol, that would be a shit exchange. I then got a bit upset and started crying because I said that so far stopping medications had been a shit idea and made everything worse. She (who was very strongly in favour of me stopping my medications) said that she didn't think it had made things worse. I said my mood was lower, she said she didn't think it was. I said that I thought it was, and that L thought that from a clinical symptoms point of view I was worse. She said my mood hadn't seemed much lower to her. It kind of irritates me when professionals contradict you like this. I live with my mood - I know if it is lower or not. And she sees me for half an hour a month - L sees me for an hour and a half a week. If someone is going to notice, it is surely more likely to be L, since she spends about 12 times more time with me than Dr O does?

I also said that stopping the Trytophan was the most enormous mistake as since then I have gained 22lbs and hate myself, and can't stop thinking about my weight and that it makes me feel suicidal, and also that I have started purging again (albeit not often) since I stopped it, and didn't do it the whole time I was on it. She said that maybe restarting that if I really felt it had helped wouldn't be such a bad thing, and that she would write to Dr E about that and the Diazepam. She then said maybe I could have the Tryptophan back if they stopped the Diazepam, so that if they were taking away something I felt helped, then I would be getting something else that I felt helped. She went on to say she wasn't bartering, and I said it sure as hell sounded like it. There is no way Dr E will prescribe me the Tryptophan anyway - she was not budging an inch when I talked about it with her last time. I asked Dr O to give it to me today, because I know there is no way Dr E will, but she said it wasn't her decision.

I do like my GP, and we get on well, and she always spends a long time talking to me etc, but she always seems very anti psychiatric drugs (I did mention that she was being very anti-psychiatry when she was going on about the Diazepam - she laughed and said not to tell the CMHT) and that does kind of bother me. I know people seem to have an obsession with stopping the Diazepam (Dr E wants to as well), but I don't understand why they want to take away something that helps me. I know they don't want me to get addicted to it, but I am very good with it and I only take it when I need it. It also irritates me that one of their problems with me taking it seems to be my age - both Dr E and Dr O have said they don't like people my age being on Diazepam. I don't get that. Age seems irrelevant. If it helps me why does it matter that I am 23? Why would they be more willing to prescribe it if I was 63?

I am still feeling really bad. Strong suicidal thoughts. As usual exacerbated by how I feel about my body and weight. I just want to make everything stop. I don't feel like I have any energy or fight left. I feel so exhausted. And I hate that there is nothing anyone can do. It leads me back to feeling like the only viable option is suicide. Maybe it is.

Various ramblings

Supersize vs Superskinny. Why do I do it to myself? New series tonight, and naturally I had to watch. I know I find it triggering. I know that it upsets me without fail. I know the 'superskinny' people are too thin, but all I feel is jealousy. Why can't I look like that? Then I always eat when I am watching it. Oh the irony.

My weight is still a big issue. I can't stop gaining and it is terrifying me. I haven't been this heavy for a long time - I think the last time was probably in 2006. There was a time in 2008 when I wasn't much lighter than this, but I can't have got as big as this, because there were clothes that fitted me then that don't now. My wardrobe has literally been limited to 2 skirts and 1 pair of trousers (that are on the verge of being too tight) and some tops. I find this very distressing. As you would really. And I just don't know what to do about it. It sounds pathetic, but I am feeling more and more suicidal, and I know my weight is contributing to that a lot. I feel like if I don't start losing weight soon I am not going to be able to stop myself acting on the thoughts. Absolutely everything is triggering me and upsetting me. I am really desperate.

Dance has been a bit of a problem the last few weeks. Quite a few years ago I had pretty severe shin splints, and had to have a while off dancing, and couldn't jump for about a year because it would just set them off again. Even walking was really painful. They were caused by a combination of my feet rolling in and dancing on a concrete floor. I managed to get rid of them again, and corrected my rolling in. However, the last month or so I have felt my shins starting to become uncomfortable again when I jump, and by last night they were getting quite painful. I am still very aware of them today, they still feel uncomfortable. I suppose I will have to start elevating and icing them every day like I used to, but I am kind of bothered about them because I don't know what has caused them. I don't think I roll in anymore, and I dance on lovely sprung floors, so that isn't the problem. I got a bit upset last night because I was talking about it with my mum, and she asked if it could have been my weight gain that has caused them. That is very unlikely, so that isn't what upset me - it was someone else acknowledging my weight gain that upset me. I don't want people to lie to me and pretend I look the same, because I know I don't, but being asked if my weight gain could have caused a dance injury is upsetting. For the record, although I have gained a lot of weight (about 22lbs), my BMI is currently 21.1, so I am not actually overweight. I really feel it though.

I was supposed to be seeing Dr E tomorrow, but I had a call today saying that it had been cancelled as she is off ill. That's a bit of a buggar, because I am supposed to see her once a month at the moment, and it is already 2 months since I have seen her, as I was supposed to see her 1 month ago, but I rung 6 weeks to rearrange that as I couldn't get there, and I didn't get another appointment offered until the one tomorrow, which has now been cancelled, so I am hoping it isn't another 6 weeks before I get given another one. I am seeing N tomorrow, I didn't see her last week as she couldn't fit me in. I am not looking forward to that, as basically I see her to get me out the house, and I really don't want to leave the house at the moment. I don't want to have to get dressed, and I don't want anyone to see me. I just can't do this. I am seeing L on thursday, but she is seeing me at home this week as she had a course on the day I usually see her, and it is difficult for me to get there other days. I am just relieved I won't have to leave the house as much. Although I am seeing my GP friday, so I will have to go out for that. Buggar. I had forgotten about that. I just want to hide and not let anyone see me at the moment.

No no no no no no NO. I can't do this. I feel so fucking shit. I hate myself so much. I didn't want to write anything because I didn't want to just write self pitying drivel every time I wrote anything, but I needed to do something.

I should be happy. I have had good news this week. But even when things that should be good happen, I just see all the negatives.

Everything is bad. Sleep is bad. Weight is hideous. Concentration is crap. Motivation is non existant. Suicidal thoughts are rampant. Self esteem is at the bottom of a well somewhere. I can cope with 1 or 2 of these things being bad. I really can't deal with the whole lot. The continuing saga of my weight is still a massive problem. It makes me feel more suicidal. It makes me ashamed to leave the house. It makes me not even want to get out of bed, because walking makes me too aware of my thighs. So I lay in bed. And get fatter. Which makes me feel more worthless. More suicidal. And so it goes on.

I just want to scream and cry and shout and cut and overdose and punch things. I feel utterly overwhelmed.

I hate everyone. I really feel like everyone is against me. They all want me to be fat. Why do they want me to be fat? They know how shit it makes me feel. So why won't they give me the one fucking thing that helped me control my weight? Maybe they want me to kill myself. One person off the case load. I am so angry. Fucking furious actually. I just don't understand.

Now I am crying. I just don't know what to do. I feel so desperate, and so alone. I feel completely trapped by my mood and my weight. I can't do this. I just want to make everything stop.

I hate titles

So, the stopping gaining that I referred to last week hasn't happened unfortunately. Another 2lbs have been added. Nice one. I have been trying hard. I even forced myself to go to both my ballet classes this week, which ok, is only 2 hours exercise, but you would think it would be better than none right? Clearly wrong. 3 BMI points in 6 months. Not on. 2 clothes sizes. None of my normal trousers fit anymore. I got really upset a couple of days ago as I got out some trousers to wear that I haven't worn for a while, as when I was at a lower weight they were too big for me, so I thought they would fit now. I couldn't do them up. Every time I have to get dressed I end up crying because nothing fits, and I feel so enormous.

Last night I decided I hated the world, as it is clearly conspiring to make me fat. This included, but was not limited to, Dr E, Dr O, L, N and my parents. Everyone I come into contact with basically. I decided it was mostly Dr E's fault for taking me off my meds, which has only managed to make me fat and more depressed. I have less hatred today, probably because I was actually half a pound less this morning, but I am still not happy with Dr E. And actually, I was talking to a friend the other day, and it reminded me about my last appointment with Dr E, which I had forgotten about.

Before I went in she said she had a medical student with her and was that ok. I don't have a problem with students - they have to learn, so I said that was fine. I regretted that afterwards. Dr E was asking me the same sort of questions as usual, but every time I said something that she didn't agree with, she gave her med student a look. A kind of 'Did you hear that?' look. Or a smirk. Or a semi eye roll. Things that made me feel about 5, and very patronised. And that to be honest, I thought were pretty unprofessional. I don't usually have a problem with Dr E. As psychiatrists go, she is probably my 2nd favourite of all of those I have seen. But not that appointment. If she has a med student with her again I will not have them sitting in on my appointment, which I kind of feel bad about, because the med student didn't do anything wrong, but I really disliked the way that appointment made me feel, because of the way that Dr E was with them. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like it is just me that feels like that. My friend also sees Dr E, and has also had a med student in one of her appointments and said that the same thing happened with her, or that if her CPN goes to her appointments with her then Dr E will do the same thing with the CPN that she did with the med student. Surely she should be more professional than that? If she doesn't agree with what I am saying, fine, but she doesn't need to show it in a way that will make me feel bad about myself. It can be hard enough for people with mental health problems to talk to Consultant Psychiatrists anyway - we all know who has the power in that relationship, plus it is hard talking honestly to anyone that you only see for 20 minutes once a month, or once every 3 or 6 months. We don't need the consultant to make it even more difficult by their attitude. I was supposed to see Dr E this week, but I had to cancel as I couldn't get there, so am waiting for a new appointment to come through, and am hoping it is more successful than the above.

I saw Dr O today. I get the impression she maybe doesn't really 'get' eating disorders/weight issues. I told her that since I last saw her I had gained half a stone. Firstly she didn't believe me and wanted to weigh me. She looked utterly baffled by my slightly hysterical refusal to be weighed. And told me about a patient she had seen earlier in the week who had weighed 180 kilos. Apparently the scales had protested and they had both ended up laughing a lot about it all. She assured me that I didn't weigh that much, and I wouldn't break her scales. She then said she thought I was gaining weight on purpose (!!) so that they would prescribe the Tryptophan again. I said that I am certainly not gaining weight on purpose, and that I end up crying most days when I weigh myself. Her solution was to stop weighing myself and get rid of the scales.... So anyway, I am now thinking she possibly isn't too hot with EDs. Although reading this makes it sound like she is a really shit Doctor, and she isn't, and I do like her. She just seems to come out with some slightly odd statements.

My sleep is still very bad. I have given up watching the Olympics, but I am still awake all night. I got to sleep about half 6 this morning. Actually, I should probably have tried to get some sleeping tablets. Although they never actually help me sleep, so it probably wouldn't have been worth it. At the moment I don't really have any motivation to try and sort out my sleep anyway. Or anything else for that matter.

So.....

I haven't written anything for a while. Don't really seem to have much to say at the moment. I am feeling quite flat/numb most of the time. I am still really unhappy with my weight and struggling on that front. I ordered some weight loss tablets earlier. Nothing drastic or dangerous - just some herbal ones from a health shop. Figured I would try those before I went for the Ephedra. So I have ordered some Hoodia, just to try and curb my appetite. If they don't work I will order some Ephedra. I feel so enormous. I do know logically that I am not fat - if BMI 20 - 25 is healthy (I say if because so many BMI guides say 18.5 - 25, but Doctors and health people always say 20, and I believe that it is officially 20 for Caucasians) then I am at the low end of that, but it is a big increase from my BMI of 17.5 in September. Even in the last 3 or 4 weeks I have gained about 6lbs, which is a lot. And actually it is those 6lbs that have made the difference between me feeling ok in my clothes, and not wanting to get dressed because everything is so tight, so I am going to focus on losing that first, before I think about long term. But I need to stop gaining first!

I was supposed to be seeing L today, but she was off sick, and she is on leave next week, so that isn't too good. I haven't seen her since tuesday of last week, so that is a week and a half ago already, and it will be another week and a half before I see her, so it will be 3 weeks between appointments, which is really hard when I am used to seeing her every week. I do get annoyed with myself for being so dependant on people. That is the trouble with therapy, and getting so attached. It does make it really difficult when I have to miss a week for any reason, and even 1 week to the next feels like a long time. It isn't only down to attachment - it is partly because it can be such a relief to have the chance to talk about everything and just get it all out, and it is the only time I even come close to doing that. So it is really difficult when that hour and a half disappears an hour before. I don't blame L at all, it isn't her fault she is ill - it is just unfortunate, and it is difficult when you have expected a session and then don't get it, and also unfortunate that she isn't there next week. I am seeing N next week, on tuesday, so at least that is something. She had this week off, so I haven't seen anyone at all next week. I was due to be seeing Dr E next week as well, but I have had to cancel as I can't get there when my mum is at work, so I am waiting to hear when that will be rearranged for. And I am seeing Dr O on friday, but that is just a little chat really.

My sleep is very bad still. At the moment I can use the Olympics as an excuse to an extent (did anybody see the Women's Skeleton tonight? So exciting!), but I am sleeping until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, which even I admit is not terribly good. When I spoke to L the other day she said we really need to work on improving that. For some reason the day scares me a bit. I think it is partly because when things are really bad I don't like being awake in the day, as I know that I have the whole day on my own and it feels really unsafe, and also psychologically the day feels shorter if I wake up later - I know it isn't, but if I wake up in the afternoon then I can tell myself the day is nearly over, whereas if I wake up in the morning the day feels painfully long. Also, if I don't wake up until the afternoon there is less time left for eating... But I do accept I need to improve my sleep, even if it goes back to waking up at 12 or so, that would be a vast improvement. There is just so much I need to work on, it all feels a bit overwhelming.

Mish mash thoughts!

I feel shit. Confused and stressed and frustrated and just shit. New Year is stressing me out a lot. I am trying to think of it as just another day, but I can't. I don't want to be here. I desperately wish that people would let me go. I suppose by that I primarily mean my parents. I wish they could accept me killing myself. And I know that they never will, which just puts me in a horrible situation. I hate living, I don't want to be here, I desperately want to kill myself, but I know that in doing so I would hurt the people that I care about the most, even if I do think it would be better for them in the long term.

I saw Dr O today. I asked her to put me on Tryptophan again. I used to take this alongside an anti depressant, as some dipshit psychiatrist thought it would make an SSRI more effective. Needless to say it didn't, but it definitely did affect my appetite, which I didn't actually realise until recently. Whilst I was on the Tryptophan my appetite decreased, and I lost weight without having to try too hard. Yes, I was restricting, but it was easy as I just didn't get hungry. Then when I stopped taking it, my appetite came back and I gained weight - I am now a stone more than I was in the summer. Stupidly I didn't link the weight changes and the Tryptophan until a week or so back, and I now desperately want to start it again. I don't give a flying fuck if it doesn't work as an anti depressant - I just want to feel in control of my eating again. Unfortunately Dr E, my psychiatrist, seems very anti medication for me, so I know she is not very likely to give it to me again, so I decided to ask Dr O. This was possibly a tad manipulative, as I know damn well that Dr E deals with my medication, but I thought I had more chance of getting it from Dr O so I was going to ask anyway. She said I didn't look like I had gained weight (bullshit), and looked it up in her little pill book and said that loss of appetite wasn't even listed as a side effect, so I made her google it, as I had done this and found that it apparently does help with weight loss, but I couldn't remember what I had googled, and she didn't find anything that said that, so I think she thinks I am imagining it anyway. I thought she was going to give it to me, but then she said that I am seeing Dr E in 3 weeks, and could I not wait until then and talk to her about it, and if she said no, then next time I saw her we could talk about it again. I did whine slightly and try to persuade her to prescribe it now, but she wouldn't. The bloody frustrating thing is that I know I have some somewhere from when I took it before, but I can't bloody find it. I could of course order them from a health shop or online or something, as Tryptophan is just an amino acid, not a 'real' drug, but since I know that the prescription version makes me lose weight, AND I get my prescriptions free, I want it on prescription ideally. But if Dr E says no I will just order it online.

I miss L. It is still 6 days until I see her, and she is the only person I trust to talk to at the moment. I fucking hate attachment. Why do I only get attached to people who I can never have a real relationship with, like therapists, or Doctors, or when I was younger teachers? Why can't I form an attachment to someone who can genuinely care about me in return? I want L to care about me. I want her to take me home with her and look after me and adopt me. Which of course is never going to happen, and is also a complete contradiction to my saying earlier that I wished people would stop caring about me and let me go. I really do confuse myself. I also really wish that I could see L more than once a week, and I genuinely don't think that is just because I am attached to her. It just goes so quickly, and I have more to talk about than can fit in that time, especially because of the way our sessions tend to go (bit of general chat, recommending books to each other, moaning about the NHS etc). We do virtually always run over, which makes up for that stuff, but even so, there just isn't time. I usually write stuff during the week, about how I am feeling and what I am thinking etc, which she then reads, as she finds it useful to actually see how I am feeling at times when I am not there, because my memory is atrocious, and so although I may be able to say 'Oh, tuesday was crap, I felt awful', I won't remember what I was feeling and thinking that made it awful etc, so I suppose it gives her more insight. And I try to be as honest as possible when I am writing, and so it does mean that I end up writing about things that I possibly wouldn't talk about. So anyway, she reads what I have written and we talk about some of it, and then that kind of takes up most of the session. I feel like I need another session a week to talk more in depth about some of the things that come up. She has said that she is going to start reading what I have written in the previous week, and make her own notes on it etc, which I can then read the next session to make sure that we aren't missing out on anything I have written that may be significant, and so I can see her observations on it etc, which might be interesting. But I just feel like I need more time. I want to ask if there is any chance I could see her twice a week, but I know the answer is likely to be no, so there doesn't seem much point, plus I would be a bit embarassed asking.

I had a Diazepam when I started writing this, so am feeling marginally calmer now. I may attempt sleep. This was rather long again. Ah well.