I feel shit. Confused and stressed and frustrated and just shit. New Year is stressing me out a lot. I am trying to think of it as just another day, but I can't. I don't want to be here. I desperately wish that people would let me go. I suppose by that I primarily mean my parents. I wish they could accept me killing myself. And I know that they never will, which just puts me in a horrible situation. I hate living, I don't want to be here, I desperately want to kill myself, but I know that in doing so I would hurt the people that I care about the most, even if I do think it would be better for them in the long term.
I saw Dr O today. I asked her to put me on Tryptophan again. I used to take this alongside an anti depressant, as some dipshit psychiatrist thought it would make an SSRI more effective. Needless to say it didn't, but it definitely did affect my appetite, which I didn't actually realise until recently. Whilst I was on the Tryptophan my appetite decreased, and I lost weight without having to try too hard. Yes, I was restricting, but it was easy as I just didn't get hungry. Then when I stopped taking it, my appetite came back and I gained weight - I am now a stone more than I was in the summer. Stupidly I didn't link the weight changes and the Tryptophan until a week or so back, and I now desperately want to start it again. I don't give a flying fuck if it doesn't work as an anti depressant - I just want to feel in control of my eating again. Unfortunately Dr E, my psychiatrist, seems very anti medication for me, so I know she is not very likely to give it to me again, so I decided to ask Dr O. This was possibly a tad manipulative, as I know damn well that Dr E deals with my medication, but I thought I had more chance of getting it from Dr O so I was going to ask anyway. She said I didn't look like I had gained weight (bullshit), and looked it up in her little pill book and said that loss of appetite wasn't even listed as a side effect, so I made her google it, as I had done this and found that it apparently does help with weight loss, but I couldn't remember what I had googled, and she didn't find anything that said that, so I think she thinks I am imagining it anyway. I thought she was going to give it to me, but then she said that I am seeing Dr E in 3 weeks, and could I not wait until then and talk to her about it, and if she said no, then next time I saw her we could talk about it again. I did whine slightly and try to persuade her to prescribe it now, but she wouldn't. The bloody frustrating thing is that I know I have some somewhere from when I took it before, but I can't bloody find it. I could of course order them from a health shop or online or something, as Tryptophan is just an amino acid, not a 'real' drug, but since I know that the prescription version makes me lose weight, AND I get my prescriptions free, I want it on prescription ideally. But if Dr E says no I will just order it online.
I miss L. It is still 6 days until I see her, and she is the only person I trust to talk to at the moment. I fucking hate attachment. Why do I only get attached to people who I can never have a real relationship with, like therapists, or Doctors, or when I was younger teachers? Why can't I form an attachment to someone who can genuinely care about me in return? I want L to care about me. I want her to take me home with her and look after me and adopt me. Which of course is never going to happen, and is also a complete contradiction to my saying earlier that I wished people would stop caring about me and let me go. I really do confuse myself. I also really wish that I could see L more than once a week, and I genuinely don't think that is just because I am attached to her. It just goes so quickly, and I have more to talk about than can fit in that time, especially because of the way our sessions tend to go (bit of general chat, recommending books to each other, moaning about the NHS etc). We do virtually always run over, which makes up for that stuff, but even so, there just isn't time. I usually write stuff during the week, about how I am feeling and what I am thinking etc, which she then reads, as she finds it useful to actually see how I am feeling at times when I am not there, because my memory is atrocious, and so although I may be able to say 'Oh, tuesday was crap, I felt awful', I won't remember what I was feeling and thinking that made it awful etc, so I suppose it gives her more insight. And I try to be as honest as possible when I am writing, and so it does mean that I end up writing about things that I possibly wouldn't talk about. So anyway, she reads what I have written and we talk about some of it, and then that kind of takes up most of the session. I feel like I need another session a week to talk more in depth about some of the things that come up. She has said that she is going to start reading what I have written in the previous week, and make her own notes on it etc, which I can then read the next session to make sure that we aren't missing out on anything I have written that may be significant, and so I can see her observations on it etc, which might be interesting. But I just feel like I need more time. I want to ask if there is any chance I could see her twice a week, but I know the answer is likely to be no, so there doesn't seem much point, plus I would be a bit embarassed asking.
I had a Diazepam when I started writing this, so am feeling marginally calmer now. I may attempt sleep. This was rather long again. Ah well.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago