Saturday, 26 December 2009
I believe that Bedlem would be less chaotic than my house is today. 12 people here, including a baby, a 4 year old and a 5 year old. Hyperactive doesn't begin to describe it. Them, not me. I am decidedly non-hyperactive. Currently I am hiding in my room to escape the madness for a bit, but even up here I can hear people talking and the baby crying. Even so, there is a distinct advantage of being in my own home, rather than at someone else's as we were yesterday. Easier to get away. I feel safer in my own house. Even if it is infested with people. Christmas is not a 1 day event for my family. It lasts the entire period between Christmas and New Year. We were at my sister's house yesterday. Today her and her family, plus one of my brothers and his family are here. Tomorrow my aunt and grandad are coming, my grandad is then staying until wednesday, when my other brother and his family are coming over. Then it is New Year's Eve and Day, which I intend to do as little for as possible. I hate New Year even more than Christmas. Christmas is difficult because of all the people and food, and pressure to be happy, but New Year is stressful in itself, even without all those added extras, as it makes me think about everything I have fucked up or failed to achieve in the last year, and I feel like I am infecting the next year by going into it feeling the way I do. This is magnified this year, by it not just being a new year, but a new decade. Frankly the whole thing has built up in my mind to make me feel really quite suicidal. I want to kill myself before the new year starts. I have felt very suicidal for several weeks, but I didn't want to ruin Christmas for people, especially the children, but now I almost feel like I have done my bit - I have joined in with Christmas, acted (relatively) happy, and now I should be allowed to do what I want, which is to kill myself. I don't know whether I will act on these thoughts or not - it depends on a lot of factors, but they are very much present in my head, and not helped by the fact that I don't have the usual safety net of L to turn to, as she is obviously on annual leave, and won't be back at work until the new year. It is still a week and a half before I next have an appointment with her, which feels a very long way away.