Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Hectic evening

So I woke up today with a sore throat and a bit of a cold, which was absolutely the last thing I wanted, given that I am singing in a concert in 6 days. I am just hoping that getting it now means that it will be gone by then.... The cold is less of an issue - lots of steam can deal with that to a reasonable extent, but the sore throat is a problem.

Hectic evening was hectic as predicted. Ended up leaving slightly later than intended, which put me in a rush before the proper chaos even begun. Then had ballet for an hour, which was fine. Then had to quickly change and get across town to the band call. The band call was part good, part scary. I arrived to hear them mid way through Stars, being played beautifully by a 25 piece orchestra, and being sung fantastically. Which kind of freaked me out to be honest. He was too good! I believe he has been in Les Miserables in the West End production, which explains it I suppose, but singing in the same concert as such talented people is slightly intimidating - there are quite a few professionals, including him, a girl who trained classically at Guildhall and was incredible before she went there for 4 years - I've not heard her since and so can only imagine how good she is going to be. And then several other recent drama school/music school graduates. And that is without even mentioning the headline act, who is a big star in theatre. I just hope I can give a good performance. My song at the band call was hard work. For a start my voice wasn't feeling too happy - I was ok when I was in chest voice and belting, but my head voice felt very out. Luckily there are only about 2 notes in the whole song that I sing in head voice, but one of them is a sustained note, and it would be really nice if my voice didn't crack half way through it. It is the hardest song in the concert as far as the band are concerned - it is complicated scoring, and they have to vamp quite a lot whilst I am doing the speaking bits of the song and then it is difficult to get the timing right for when they come back in properly, and when I start singing in relation to that - it isn't like they know exactly what they are going to be playing in the way that they will with every other song. So it started off fairly terribly, but after a bit of work it did sound better. But not better enough that I am happy knowing I only have 1 more run through with them, and that is the day of the concert. I will just have to hope it all goes ok and trust in the MD - she is bloody brilliant, so hopefully she will get it all going smoothly..... I then had to dash off to rehearsal for the show - 45 minutes late, but I had warned them I was going to be late as I had to go straight from the band call, and I don't think I had missed anything much - I think they had just gone over a couple of chorus numbers, and I am not in many of the chorus numbers anyway. When I got there we did the big chorus number that I lead, and they then went onto another chorus number, but I stopped singing as my voice was really starting to feel unhappy and there was no point trying to push it. Then we danced for a while. And then I came home. I am pretty exhausted - I was out for over 5 and a half hours, and I was either singing or dancing for the vast majority of that time, and around people and therefore having to pretend to be happy for the entire time.

It was snowing heavily on the way home - that is the first snow we have had really. I think there was a tiny bit on Saturday or yesterday, but nothing worth mentioning. And it was snowing lightly on the way up there, but nothing like as heavily as it was on the way back home. I think it is meant to snow more overnight, and again tomorrow, but I've not actually looked out of the window since I got home.

I should try and get to sleep now. I have to get up to go and see L in 7 hours. I hope that it goes ok. I think I am going to see Harry Potter tomorrow evening with my mum, although that isn't definite. I could really do with a quiet day, but it doesn't look like I am going to get one this week - things are fairly full on for the next week or so.

Monday, 29 November 2010

Getting by

Today was worse than yesterday, but it wasn't horrific. I slept until a ridiculous time - I didn't only sleep the morning, I slept half of the afternoon as well. I could hear my brother and his wife here when I woke up, but I didn't go downstairs. Partly because I couldn't really be bothered, and partly because they are all ill, and the last thing I need right now is a cold or sore throat. I went and had a shower and washed my hair, and popped downstairs very briefly to grab a diet coke - wanted to stay down there as it was much warmer than my bedroom, but I didn't want their germs, and came back upstairs. I was finding it harder to concentrate on things today, so it was harder to distract myself from the thoughts, but my head was quieter than it had been last week, so it was primarily about trying to distract myself from thoughts, rather than noise as well, which is easier. I am not really sure what I did. I watched a bit of crap TV. Apart from that I don't really know. After my brother and family had left I went downstairs because it was warmer, and watched X Factor. And since then I don't really know what I have been doing. I think my mind is drifting quite a lot. Dissociating I suppose.

Tomorrow is ridiculously busy. Nothing in the day - the day time is fine. Which is lucky as I will need to sleep a reasonable amount of it. But then I have to leave for ballet about 5. I then have ballet from 5:45 - 6:45. At 7 I have a band call for the concert I am doing on Sunday. As soon as I can get away from that, I have to go to a rehearsal for the show I am doing, which starts at 7:30, but I will get there later than that because of the band call. That then goes on until 10, and I will get home about half 10, maybe a bit later. It is all a bit hectic, and I don't know when I am going to get a chance to warm up, because of being in ballet immediately before having to go and sing. I suppose I will have to warm up (vocally) before ballet and then do a quick 5 minute top up on my way from ballet to the band call. It is rather unfortunately they are all so on top of each other, but there is nothing I can do about it.

I am trying really hard to stop myself from focusing on the negatives and the suicidal thoughts, and to just blank them the best that I can. November is nearly over, and although it sounds odd, that makes it slightly easier to shut out the suicidal thoughts. As I have said before, one of my 'rules' around suicide is that it can't be in the lead up to something big like Christmas/someone's Birthday, because although whenever you kill yourself it will be hard for people, I always think it must be particularly hard if it is at a time when there is an expectation of being happy. So basically I need to stop considering suicide an option until after Christmas. Which is far, far easier said than done, and I don't know if I can do it, but I have to try. It is particularly hard because Christmas and New Year are such difficult times for me, and there is nothing I would like more than not to have to go through them. But I think Christmas must be about the worst time of the year to lose someone. Everyone is happy (or pretending to be) and excited, and there is just a buzz around, and there is just this expectation that everyone will enjoy themselves, and have a good time, and having that as an anniversary of someone dying must be really tough. I am actually more worried about Christmas then New Year I think. Christmas is hard because of all the food and all the people, and the pressure to be happy, but New Year is far worse, because it reminds me of everything that I haven't achieved, and what a failure I am, and how I have let yet another year pass by without accomplishing anything, and that really does make me feel intensely suicidal. I have refused to celebrate New Year for years now - I see nothing to celebrate, and it is always an incredibly difficult night, where I end up crying hysterically, and desperately wanting to die. Even thinking about it makes me feel really suicidal. I still wish that I had killed myself last week so that I didn't have to face Christmas or New Year. Or life generally.

I am unsure about the best way of getting through this. I don't know if I need to try and get myself excited about Christmas (tough to do) and just throw myself into it and just turn into Little Miss Festive (yeah.... even saying that makes me think the chances of that are slim to none) or find some other way of getting by. And I still have to get my Christmas shopping done, and write my cards, and all of the other things that are synonymous with Christmas. I am slightly unsure what will be happening about Christmas, given that my sister isn't speaking to me, and we usually spend time with her. I am slightly concerned that will end up being a big problem that will upset my mum, and that I will end up being blamed for, which will make me feel terrible etc, but I am not sure what I can do about it. I am still not going to apologise, as I still don't think I did anything wrong in not wanting to look after my nephew every Thursday, having done it for half a term. But it is a slightly awkward situation. Thinking about things like this make me think again how much better off my family would be without me. How much simpler things would be for them. And thinking about that seems like more justification that suicide is the right thing to do, despite the time of year. The sad thing is, I don't think my sister would even care at the moment. I wish making the suicidal thoughts go away was as simple as deciding not to have them, or not to consider acting on them an option, like I am trying to, but there is so much more to it than that. The thoughts don't go just because I want them to, or try to make them. They are there, and they are strong. Even if they aren't supposed to be because of the time of year. They don't take any notice of the time of year - it means nothing to them. And in some ways, Christmas and New Year make them more intense. I wish there was an answer of how to get through this - how to cope, but there isn't. I just have to try and get by. And either I make it or I don't.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Slightly better day

Today hasn't actually been a completely horrific day! Which is particularly bizarre given that my period started this morning. Obviously I am still feeling shitty, but today has felt noticeably easier to get through than other days recently. I think there are a few reasons for it - I think that starting to sort things out with L via email yesterday has helped. I am no longer feeling like it is an irreparable relationship in the way that I was a few days ago, and that is an enormous relief, because when I was feeling like that it made me feel even more hopeless as I felt like I had lost the only person I really trusted to talk to, and therefore I was completely on my own, whereas now, although we still need to talk things through when I see her, I don't feel like it is a hopeless situation and so I am feeling less alone. Obviously it will take some time and some talking things through, and trying to make sure this situation doesn't occur again, but I am not feeling like the only person I could rely on has disappeared for good now, and that is more of a relief than I think I can express.

Also, today has been pretty relaxed. Admittedly the majority of my days are pretty relaxed in that I don't have to go out and do things that often, but today there was absolutely nowhere I needed to go, or anyone I needed to see, or anything I had to do, and I felt like I needed that. I slept all morning, having not got to sleep until too late, even by my standards, and then this afternoon Fly Away Home was on TV, so I watched that. I like nice, non taxing feel good films like that. And then when that finished I switched over and watched On The Town. And then I went downstairs and watched X Factor, followed by Sweeney Todd with my parents. I am not entirely sure what I have done in the 4 hours since Sweeney Todd finished..... But anyway, my head has been a bit quieter, which has just been a massive relief, and has allowed me to concentrate on things a little bit better, which has just made the day much easier to get through.

Unfortunately I am not expecting tomorrow to be as simple. My niece came to stay the night tonight, and so tomorrow my brother and family are all coming for dinner etc. I don't like it when there are lots of people around - I find it quite stressful. I also find food often goes dodgy when there are people here, as my mum tends to make dessert of some kind, or cake, which I then end up eating and feeling guilty about. I will probably spend most of the time they are here in my bedroom, because I am antisocial like that, but I will then get nagged for being anti social. There also unfortunately appears to be buggar all on TV tomorrow, which is a shame given the success of the TV today. I will have to try and find something else to occupy me. I am not at a point where I can read, or do anything else that involves much brain power, but hopefully my head will be quieter again and I will be able to find something to do. Please be quiet head.

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Email to L

So an update on what has been going on. After writing my blog yesterday, I contacted L to ask if she had any free slots available for today. She replied saying that she was really sorry she hadn't been more available lately and that she was on a course today, but would see me on Tuesday. After getting that, I decided to send her an email, which I sent last night, explaining how I had been feeling and that I had been very hurt and upset by the lack of contact from her etc. It was hard to write because I didn't want to sound too aggressive or rude or anything, but obviously the nature of what I was saying could have easily made it sound quite accusatory etc, and I didn't want that, but at the same time I felt like it was important that I get across how it had made me feel. She replied and thanked me for being honest and said she could see how I would have felt and why. I won't go into too much detail, because some of it isn't something I want to share here, and actually apart from that there isn't really that much detail to go into - it does sound like she has been incredibly busy, but obviously that isn't really an explanation in itself. She did say that she was sorry and that she understood where I was coming from and that she could see that she hadn't been able to respond in the way that she usually would. But she wants to talk about it properly when I see her on Tuesday, which is fair enough. Whilst obviously I do still feel like I was let down, I am relieved that it wasn't something that I had done wrong to cause the lack of contact, and I think that I know really that it isn't that she doesn't care. I suppose it is complicated, and I will see how it goes when I see her on Tuesday, but I don't feel like I never want to see her again. I think it will take a while for things to get back to how they were, and I don't know yet if they will completely - I suppose time will tell. I do still feel like she let me down and wasn't there when I needed her, but then there always will be times when people let you down, and maybe that is part of life and something I need to learn to deal with. Relationships are tough and complicated and confusing, and I don't think therapeutic relationships are any simpler, and in some ways they are perhaps more complex. So yes, whilst how I feel about what happened hasn't changed, I do feel like the relationship is repairable, and I can continue working with her. I don't know if I will ever be able to regain that complete feeling of trust and being able to rely on her 100%, because obviously I have felt let down by her now, but then that was a rare feeling to have about anyone anyway, and I suppose wasn't really maintainable. I am not over it, I don't feel fine about it all now, and I still feel hurt and disappointed. But at least I have been able to be honest about that with her, and now feel more comfortable with seeing her again. I think if I had seen her yesterday without speaking to her beforehand, I would have just been so upset and hurt and angry that I would have either spent the whole time sobbing whilst trying to say that she had upset me, or I would have completely clammed up and just been totally off hand and awkward, and neither of those would have been helpful. So although I am still upset I didn't get to see her yesterday, as I think I did need to talk, I think under the circumstances perhaps it was best. Of course in retrospect I would have sent her the email that I sent last night a couple of days ago, and we could then have discussed it yesterday, but I don't think I was at a point where I could have done that. I hope that I have a good appointment on Tuesday and we can work things out. I think I need to just try and accept that yes, I feel like she let me down, and perhaps she did, but that people do that sometimes. I am not there yet, probably because I held such an idealised view of her until now, but she is human and she makes mistakes and isn't actually perfect, hard as that is for me to accept.

I am still finding things very difficult. I experience suicidal thoughts to some degree pretty much constantly, but the majority of the time they are just thoughts that I would rather not be alive. Obviously times like this, when I do feel accutely suicidal, and like I am at serious risk of acting on the thoughts are different, and happen less often, but it still isn't a rare occurrence. I think what I have found particularly difficult about this episode is that it has felt different. I can't quite put my finger on how. I think it is partly the way that my head has been shouting at me so much of the time. That isn't something I am used to. Usually they are thoughts, that occasionally become vocalised in my head, but most of the time they are just thoughts. This time has been different - it has been very noisy. Not just about suicide, although that is the most pressing thing. It just constantly tells me how horrible and awful I am and how I need to kill myself and how much better everyone would be without me and then when I am around people it is like they are all looking at me and thinking how pathetic and useless I am. I am not hearing voices - I am certain that it is just part of my brain - the part that hates me, talking to me. I am just used to it thinking, not talking, and so it is a bit disconcerting. The spider thing from last week also freaked me out. I don't know. I can't explain why this feels different, I just know it does, and I don't like that. Whilst the suicidal thoughts are hideous, and very difficult to cope with, I am used to them - I have had lots of other episodes where I have had very strong suicidal thoughts, and more times than not I have managed to get through them without acting on them. But I am finding it really hard having these thoughts constantly vocalised - it makes them more unrelenting. And just generally things feel different. I don't feel like me.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Messed up

I have completely and utterly messed everything up. I emailed L at 5:45am asking for my appointment this afternoon to be cancelled and to be discharged. I didn't give any explanation. I figured if she wanted to know or gave a shit she would phone and ask why, and if I had started trying to explain everything in the email I would have been writing it forever. I also then did something that probably wasn't the best idea, but was better than the alternative. I was feeling so suicidal and my head was screaming at me to kill myself, so I had to harm myself in some way, and I am so shit at cutting that it never gives me enough of a release, plus it leaves something visible, and I didn't want anything anyone could see. So I took some tablets. Not many at all. It was certainly not a suicide attempt, and not even something I would consider an overdose, although obviously technically it was. But it was very few, and nothing that could do any real damage. I just needed to do something to feel like I was hurting myself. It didn't help much.

I slept really badly. I think I got about 3 hours, but I woke up loads of times, and so it was really interrupted. I checked my email and had a reply from her saying that she would cancel my appointment for this afternoon, and that if I wanted to be discharged she would arrange a CPA as soon as possible. I then had another email saying she had booked me in for my usual time on Tuesday and she thought we should talk about it then. I then felt really shit, and wished I hadn't cancelled, and also felt kind of hurt that she hadn't called to ask why I wanted to cancel or anything. I spoke to my friend A, who persuaded me to reply and ask if I could uncancel my appointment, so I did that, but she had already given away my appointment. Which I suppose was to be expected really, but it just made me totally lose it. I asked if she could call me but she said she was really busy and would try but didn't know if she would get time, but that I could call the duty worker. I was so upset by that time that I did call and speak to someone. She was nice enough but basically just said the usual stuff about trying to distract myself, suggested having a bath or something to eat or going for a walk. She said she would speak to L when she got back and that one of them would call me back later. It turned out to be someone else again who called, who again gave me the distraction talk and said it wasn't long until Tuesday when I could see L.

I am furious with myself for cancelling. I was being such a bloody moron. It was a crap idea. I was just so hurt and upset, and I suppose I was trying to play mind games and see how she reacted, which was a shit idea because they never work - you never get what you want. So I have been left feeling even more like she doesn't give a shit about me, and even more alone. I suppose I was hoping she would call and ask why I wanted to cancel and then I would have spoken to her etc. It wasn't a conscious thought, but when I got her reply today and realised how hurt I was that she had just accepted me cancelling like that. Tuesday may not seem long away to then but it feels like an eternity to me, particuarly since I should have bloody seen her this afternoon, and it is already a week and a half since I saw her. Given what I have just said about wishing I hadn't cancelled today this will sound ridiculous, but I don't know if I want to see her Tuesday. Every single thing that has happened this past week has made me feel less and less like I can rely on her and that makes me want to just give up on her, as I feel like she has given up on me, but I feel so completely alone without her. The trouble is, what I miss is the relationship I had with her prior to the last couple of weeks, and when I think about seeing her that is what I want. Not how I feel about it all now. I feel upset and hurt by her, and angry and upset with myself. I know I have been childish and acted stupidly today, and if I could redo things I would. But I feel like I must have some something wrong last week for her to not contact me at all, and I have no idea what. I am so confused and I don't know where to turn.

Can't cope

I feel like I need to write but I don't know what really. I am struggling a lot. It is everything I can do not to OD tonight. The thoughts are so strong. I think it isn't being helped by the fact I am due to see L tomorrow. Ordinarily that would help me - knowing I was seeing her would make me feel more able to get through, but right now it is the opposite of that. I am angry with myself for still being alive, when there is actually no part of me at all that wants to be. And I am angry with her for being right because I am still fucking here, and therefore technically I have 'coped', however hideous it has been. I suppose that is one of the reasons the thoughts are so strong tonight. I am still alive despite saying I couldn't cope and that I wanted to kill myself, and I hate myself for that. I know others will see it as a strength, but I see it as an enormous weakness. I am angry with myself for reacting as strongly as I have to this situation. And I feel so fucking hurt and abandoned and rejected by her not contacting me at all in the last week despite knowing how terrible I was feeling, and me actually asking for help, which is something I so rarely do. And so I am angry about that too. I could be dead for all she knows. I just feel so upset and angry about everything, and I still feel so terrible and so suicidal, and my head is just screaming at me to overdose tonight - it is a good day for it, or feels it. I don't know how to quieten it down. Or if I want to.

I am not seeing L tomorrow regardless. I am debating whether it would be better to email her tonight, saying that I don't want to see her and that I want to be discharged, or whether I should call the receptionist in the morning and ask her to tell L. Either way I am not saying any more than that. I haven't had an explanation of why she hasn't contacted me for over a week, so I don't feel like I need to give any explanations either. Email would be the obvious choice, but there is always a risk she won't check her emails. I really wish it wasn't a home visit. I so rarely have home visits - why this week?! If I was due to go there I could just not turn up, which would be much simpler. But with a home visit I don't have that option. I can't face seeing her though, and right now I don't feel like I want to see anyone mental health related ever again. I find it so difficult to trust people. I let so few people get close, because I am scared of ending up hurt. And I trusted her so completely. More than anyone else I have ever known I think. I have said things to her I would never have even considered saying to anyone else. And now I have been hurt. And I don't feel like I will ever be able to trust anyone again. Or ask for help again. And I am finding it so difficult not having her there when I need to talk to someone. I know that technically I could have called, but I couldn't. I don't think I have ever felt as alone as I have this last week. My head has been so overwhelming, and I have had absolutely nowhere to turn to. And I just can't cope. I need some form of release, but I can't see anything helping right now. I feel totally helpless.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Nobody's Side

Although this song is obviously actually about a romantic relationship, some of the lyrics feel very pertinent at the moment in relation to what I was talking about in my last post.

What's going on around me
Is barely making sense
I need some explanations fast
I see my present partner
In the imperfect tense
And I don't see how we can last
I feel I need a change of cast
Maybe I'm on nobody's side.

And when he gives me reasons
To justify each move
They're getting harder to believe
I know this can't continue
I've still a lot to prove
There must be more I could achieve
But I don't have the nerve to leave.

Everybody's playing the game
But nobody's rules are the same
Nobody's on nobody's side
Better learn to go it alone
Recognize you're out on your own
Nobody's on nobody's side.

The one I should not think of
Keeps rolling through my mind
And I don't want to let that go
No lovers ever faithful
No contract truly signed
There's nothing certain left to know
And how the cracks begin to show!

Never make a promise or plan
Take a little love where you can
Nobody's on nobody's side
Never stay too long in your bed
Never lose your heart, use your head
Nobody's on nobody's side.

Never take a stranger's advice
Never let a friend fool you twice
Nobody's on nobody's side
Never be the first to believe
Never be the last to deceive
Nobody's on nobody's side
And never leave a moment too soon
Never waste a hot afternoon
Nobody's on nobody's side
Never stay a minute too long
Don't forget the best will go wrong
Nobody's on nobody's side.

Better learn to go it alone
Recognize you're out on your own
Nobody's on nobody's side.

Lost trust

Hopefully today was the last of the bloody freezing days - our oil is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I am really hoping it will come up in the morning so that when I wake up the house won't be freezing. That would be nice. I have an upset tummy today. I have no idea why - I suppose it must be a stomach bug, because there is certainly nothing I have eaten that could have set it off. I am hoping it won't last long, it is slightly unpleasant. Although at least I don't feel ill with it (touch wood).

Everything is still much the same in other respects. I know I am being really childish in not wanting to contact L, but there really are reasons for it. For a start, it seems fairly pointless - there is nothing she can/will do to help, as was proven last week. So what would be the point in calling her? She won't do anything. And I am still feeling really hurt by her not contacting me last week. The last contact I had was an email that I sent to her, and I never got a reply, and neither did she phone. I have lost the trust I had in her. Which is sad, because I really did trust her completely - more than I have ever trusted anyone else at all. But not I just feel like she is like everyone else, and I can't rely on her, and she doesn't actually give a shit about what happens to me. And the longer it goes without her contacting me, the more I feel that. Whilst I do admit that I can be quite typically Borderline in some respects with relationships, in that they do tend to be quite extreme and someone can go from being idealised to nothing sometimes, I am also reasonably good at forgiving, and for example it would probably only take a phone call from her in which she was supportive to make me think she was incredible again. But I am now realising she is unlikely to call before I am next due to see her, as I think she would have done so by now if she was going to. But there is no point in me calling her. I don't want to call her. And I don't want to see her. She is due to be making a home visit this week, which is slightly inconvenient as it makes cancelling more difficult, but I will be phoning the CMHT on Thursday morning if I've not heard from her before then, and saying that I want the appointment cancelled because I don't want to see her. That probably sounds very childish, but if I no longer have any trust in her, or feel like she cares about me, then it is completely pointless seeing her, and would probably just make me really angry and upset.

The suicidal thoughts are still very strong. I am angry that I have fought so fucking hard this last week not to act on them. Well, I suppose in all honesty the vast majority of the time I haven't had the energy to act on them. But I really do wish I was dead. I don't want my parents to have to find me dead, and I don't want to hurt them, and that is what I have been trying to focus on, but I do genuinely believe they would be better off without me, and I also really feel like I can't cope without any support, which is what I have had to do. L saying that it would 'never be alone, it would be with help' was complete bollocks. I have never felt as alone as I have this past week, even when I was seeing people who were really shit and gave me no support at all. Because I didn't expect anything more from them - I knew they were crap and I knew they wouldn't help me. But L. L was different. I did think I could rely on her. I suppose when it comes down to it you can't actually rely on anyone. Even the people who you think that you can trust, and who you think will be there for you, will let you down. And if other people can let me down, then I don't see why I shouldn't let other people down by killing myself, particularly since it would be better off for them in the long run anyway. I spend my whole time at the moment thinking about killing myself. I can't focus on anything else, and I don't care about anything else - nothing matters. I truly believe that suicide is the right, and only, option for me now. I have been fighting this for long enough, and nothing ever improves, and I feel like there is absolutely nobody I can really trust and rely on, and there never will be again - this last week has seen to that. If I can be let down by someone I trusted to that extent, which is so rare for me as it really takes me a long time to trust people, and there has never been anyone else I have felt quite so able to depend upon, then I can be let down by anyone and everyone. I haven't just lost my trust in L - I have lost my trust in everyone. If you don't allow people to get close to you then they can't hurt you. There are just so many reasons why suicide is the correct option. If I weigh up the pros and cons then suicide wins every single time, easily. Not tonight unfortunately - that isn't an option. But the right time will come.

Monday, 22 November 2010


Today has been tiring again. I slept all morning. Woke up and the house was bloody freezing. The lounge is the only room with any heat at all, as we have had the wood burner alight, but the rest of the house is really cold, and even the lounge isn't very warm. Hate the cold. Really hope the oil arrives soon.

London was ok. Going in the car and just going straight to the theatre and then back again made it less stressful I think, because it wasn't like I had to negotiate public transport or lots of crowds or anything so it wasn't really like being in London. I did find it difficult, becuase I find it so hard at the moment to keep up a facade all of the time when I am feeling so awful. It is really tiring. I sat watching the cabaret that we had gone to see, but I couldn't focus on it at all - I just kept thinking about suicide and dying, and planning things in my head.

The suicidal thoughts aren't getting any weaker at all. It is so draining. A couple of people have suggested I contact L, but I really don't want to do that. I feel like for there to be any chance of me going back to trusting her the way that I used to I need to wait for her to contact me. She knows how bad things are, and either she contacts me, or she doesn't. And either way that will tell me something. If I contact her then I will never know what would have happened if I had just left it. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by her not contacting me last week when she knew how desperate I was feeling, and I am really quite confused about the whole thing. I feel like I have done something wrong and that is why she didn't call me, or like she must be fed up with me and therefore not actually care whether I live or die. And that is difficult because I trusted her so completely. I don't know what to think any more. Even if she did contact me over the next few days I am not sure how I would feel about it. I just feel really let down. And I still feel so suicidal. I just don't want to exist any more. I really do hate the thought of hurting people, but I also feel completely unable to cope like this.

Sunday, 21 November 2010

Long day

Today has been a difficult and tiring day. It didn't start off well because I slept badly last night. I was really desperate to have a night of sleeping well, so as well as the Diazepam I usually take to try and quieten my head, I also took a Zopiclone. I don't usually have Zopiclone. I had them pretty much every night for about 4 years, so got pretty immune to them, and my psych took me off them because obviously they are supposed to be short term drugs, but sometimes when I am having a lot of trouble sleeping my GP will give me 14, and I have a few from last time, so decided to take one. I thought it was making me sleepy, so I tried to sleep, but realised it actually hadn't so got back up. In the end I did go to sleep, but it was kind of weird - I usually sleep quite well after taking Zopiclone - it may not send me to sleep very well, but it usually stops me waking up. But I woke up several times, and one time I woke up in a real panic - I was hallucinating (I hope) that lots of spiders had bungeed down from the ceiling and were crawling all over me. I am not actually scared of spiders, but I woke up in a panic convinced these spiders were crawling on me and switched on my light and was looking for them, and I remember looking up at the ceiling where they had all been (they hadn't really, but I thought they had) and they had gone, so I thought they must be in my bed and in my pyjamas. And then I couldn't find them so I turned off my light and went back to sleep. It was really quite surreal, because it felt so real, and I don't normally have hallucinations. I am blaming the Zopiclone, but I don't know why it should suddenly do that when I have taken it so many hundreds of times with no problems. I don't take Zolpidem because that made me hear voices when I took it, but never experienced anything weird with Zopiclone before except going into a kind of dissociative period where I often do lots of things I don't remember after, and that's not too bad, except when I spend lots of money on crap. Anyway, I didn't get enough sleep, and it was quite interrupted, and so I woke up exhausted.

I had to go out the house today (cue scary music). I had to go shopping with my mum. I don't like shopping at the best of times, and currently is definitely not the best of times. But we had decided to go a couple of weeks ago as it was totally essential I got something to wear for the concert in 2 weeks (yes, the one I don't want to be alive for). Town was packed, I was exhausted, and I really dislike clothes shopping. I don't understand what is enjoyable about going into one shop, stripping off, trying on a couple of things that will probably look hideous, getting dressed again, going into another shop, repeat ad infinitum... Not fun. And looking in all of those mirrors just makes me feel shitty about myself. I did buy something, but don't know if it will be any good or not. Ended up just having a mini melt down in Debenhams. I had been in there first, and then lots of other shops, and then my mum decided I should go back to Debenhams and get one of the personal shoppers to help me find something, because Debenhams is so bloody confusing. So I went back in, whilst she went off to another shop, and I just freaked out. I was exhausted and stressed and I just couldn't cope and I felt like I was about to burst into tears and make a spectacle of myself, and just ended up perching on the edge of one of the display things on the floor trying not to cry. A sales assistant came over and asked if I was ok, and I obviously had no idea how to reply, so I think I said I wasn't feeling well, so she got a stool from the shoe area for me to sit on, and I waited for my mum arrived and then just begged to go home.

Then we got home, and the house was absolutely freezing, and it turned out we had run out of oil. That always happens on a weekend, without fail. So the house was freezing and that just felt like the last straw and I just came upstairs and cried. I then put on lots of warm clothes and went downstairs as my dad had said he would light the fire. Typically the fire refused to light despite multiple attempts. So the house is bloody freezing, I am always cold anyway as I have shit circulation, and goodness knows when we will get more oil.

I seem to have resorted to comfort eating over the last couple of days, which is making me feel even more shit about myself. I am not eating loads and loads, but I wasn't eating much at all really earlier in the week, and the last couple of days I have eaten more the amount I would usually eat and I feel shit about myself. Everything is wrong. Absolutely everything.

I have to go out yet again tomorrow, which I am dreading. I said months ago that I would go with T and his family to see something on in London. I didn't know when it was on anyway, and had pretty much forgotten about it completely, and then got a text from him a couple of days ago reminding me it was this Sunday, and asking if I wanted to go there for lunch first. Naturally I didn't want to go there for lunch - I hate eating at other people's houses, and I didn't even want to leave the house, but since his mum has bought the tickets there isn't much I can do about that. So I have said I will just go over there for when they are leaving. Dreading having to keep up my happy mask for hours like that. I do not want to go out at all. I feel really stressed by everything at the moment - leaving the house feels like torture. Even getting out of my bed takes far more energy than I have.

The suicidal thoughts are overwhelming. There is lots of planning going on my head that I feel unable to stop, and actually don't want to. This week has just been far, far too difficult, and there is no way I am putting up with another one like it. I have felt completely alone at the time I have most needed support, and every minute of every day has felt like agony. Nobody should have to live feeling like this.

Friday, 19 November 2010


I have still heard absolutely nothing from L. I am feeling completely fucking abandoned. I don't care what she said about never having to do things alone - I am bloody alone. And clearly saying she could call every day was hypothetical, since she hasn't called at all this week apart from when I called multiple times and she rung back. I know I could call her, but I don't want to. I feel like I have reached out so much this week and got absolutely nothing. It has really hurt me a lot because she has always been so supportive of me and I have always trusted her so much and relied on her so much, and been really attached to her, and now I feel like she has just abandoned me when I have needed her most and doesn't give a shit about what happens to me.

I am still feeling like absolute shit. Still wanting to kill myself. Still really lacking energy.

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Feeling unsupported

I am so tired. I have been sleeping really badly for ages now and it is really getting to me. I look terrible and I just feel so exhausted - physically and emotionally. I wish I had some energy. Although I think being so exhausted is mostly what has kept me alive the last couple of days. I just don't have enough energy to act on my thoughts in the way I want to. Of course that doesn't make me feel any less desperate, or the thoughts any less overwhelming. I really just want out.

I don't like to say it, but I am feeling pretty unsupported at the moment. I don't like saying that because L has always been really supportive, but right now I am just feeling so alone and like I have just been left to get through this on my own. One of the reasons I was given for her not thinking the crisis team would help was 'whilst I can see that you’re very distressed I’m not sure that a daily phone call will make any difference as, at the end of the day, I can do that.' She has a point with that, as although in theory the crisis team do visits, and I suspect would have at least visited the first time to assess me, ours apparently mostly just phone people now. So I did kind of get that. But I haven't had daily phone calls from her. The last time I spoke to her was on Tuesday, when I rung and asked to speak to her and then was rung back 4 and a half hours later and spoke to her for less than 10 minutes, and ended up feeling worse. Then yesterday there was the email that made me feel terrible, and I've not heard anything today. So yes, if the crisis team were literally just going to make daily phone calls and she was prepared to do that instead, then I can see why she would have thought it was pointless. But I haven't had phone calls from her, and the crisis team may have done more than that, although admittedly they are pretty shit. I just feel totally abandoned really. I had said when I emailed about seeing the crisis team that I didn't feel able to get through this alone, and the other thing she said in her reply was that I needed to really needed to try and help myself, but 'that would never be alone, it would be with help.' Feels pretty much like being alone right now....


I feel really alone. And desperate. I just self harmed - I hoped that hurting myself might make me feel a bit better, but it didn't. It's only superficial. I very rarely self harm - I can't actually remember the last time I did it. I think possibly early this year. So a long time ago. Sometimes I have got relief from it, but that seems to be when I am in an agitated type depression, not this desperately low, flat, suicidal type of depression. It is only ever superficial, but hurting myself just seems to help sometimes, and I think when I am agitated it helps to ground me. Nothing today though. Even my more self destructive coping mechanisms like self harming, and focusing on my weight etc aren't helping. In fact, I am more or less ignoring my weight. I have very little appetite at the moment, so do seem to have lost a little bit, but it doesn't make me feel good. Nothing does. I got told tonight that I had got the lead in one of the shows I auditioned for last week. Obviously not the Sunday audition. The other ones. I actually couldn't have cared less, despite it being a brilliant part. And my parents were really pleased for me and asking if I was excited, and so I tried to smile and be pleased but it just meant nothing to me. I suppose partly because I have zero intention of being alive then. And then partly just because I can't seem to feel excitement or happiness or pleasure or anything at all really from anything at the moment. I feel so lost. And out of options. I am getting more and more desperate. I have been trying so hard the last few days. I really have. I feel like I have done absolutely everything I possibly could. But none of it has got me anywhere. I am so exhausted.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

L said no about being referred to the crisis team. She doesn't think it would help. I feel so bloody stupid for asking for something that I obviously don't need. I wish I hadn't asked. I feel like she must think of me as really needy and attention seeking for asking for a referral to them when she obviously doesn't think I need it. I suppose at least now I can feel like I have tried everything - I have been completely honest about my thoughts and feelings, and I have directly asked for more help.


Have just sent an email to L asking about seeing the crisis team. I am scared. Pressing send was really fucking hard to do. It is so hard to ask for help when your head is screaming at you not to. I tried to explain that I am feeling really strongly suicidal, but that I am trying to fight the thoughts, but I feel like I need more support to do that and therefore what did she think about a crisis team referral. I don't know if it is a good idea. I don't know if she will think it is a good idea. And I don't know if I would want to see them. But everyone here seemed to think it was a good idea, and kind of necessary, so I did it. At least now I can say that I have tried everything before acting on the thoughts if it comes to that. But I am scared. I am scared she will think I am stupid for asking when I clearly don't need it, and I am scared of what will happen if they do see me. And to be honest I don't know what good it can realistically do. I am just hoping it can't make things worse....

Tuesday, 16 November 2010


I am completely exhausted and I have a splitting headache, I think from being so tired and stressed. I haven't weighed myself since Saturday, which is a clear sign of how shit things are, as I never miss a day of weighing myself, let alone 3! I spent all night last night completely confused and desperate and not knowing what to do. I nearly sent an email to L asking to be referred to the crisis team, but in the end I just couldn't do it. I didn't feel able to ask for help, when so much of me really didn't want it. In the end I decided I would call her this morning and try to talk to her again, and possibly ask for a referral then. I tried ringing at 9:15, and was told she was in a meeting, and that they would ask her to call me back, and that she should be out at about 10. At 10:45 I still hadn't heard from her so I tried calling again - that time she was on the phone, and they said they would ask her to call when she got off the phone. She finally called at 1:45, which was 4 and a half hours after I had tried to call. I was feeling really shit by then, and I actually didn't even want to speak to her as it seemed completely pointless. I felt like it was too late to ask to be referred to the crisis team, as I would only want them to visit during the day when my mum was out at work because of the reasons I talked about yesterday, and I knew that if I wasn't referred before midday there was no way they would visit before my mum got home. I was also feeling like seeing them would be pretty pointless - someone turning up or phoning for half an hour a day, and probably patronising me, as that is what they generally do, isn't going to make any difference to how I feel. I was also frustrated it had taken her so long to call back - I know she is busy, but it just made me feel unimportant and like I didn't matter. I nearly didn't answer, but then I decided I should. I kind of wish I hadn't. If anything it made me feel worse. I tried to say how much I was struggling, and how difficult I was finding it to keep going. She said several times about discussing things next week. She said something about how only I could make the decision about what to do, and that she would support me the best she could, but I needed to decide to live and that suicide wasn't an option. I said that I didn't feel able to do that because the thoughts were so strong. She said maybe I needed to try and consider the pros and cons, and I said I had been trying to do that, but suicide won every time. She said something about something being wrong and not working properly if that was happening and that we could talk about it next week. So the general plan seems to be that I should wait a week and a bit until I am next due to see her and discuss everything then. That doesn't feel like an option to me at all. I felt worse after speaking to her than I had before. She is usually so good, but I feel like at the moment she either really isn't grasping how desperate I am feeling, or she is convinced for some reason that I won't act on the thoughts. Calling today was my way of trying to fight, like she had talked about yesterday, because I can't do it on my own, but the phone call today just knocked the fight back out of me. I just have nothing left. I am completely exhausted and feel out of options. L is always the one person I feel that I can turn to and who will support me, and right now I don't feel like I can get enough support from her to see me through this, and I am not quite sure where that leaves me.

So confused

I am really feeling shit still. I have been trying to decide whether or not to ask L to make the crisis team referral that she offered. My head is screaming no - they won't do anything, due to being useless morons, and they will quite possibly make things worse if past experiences are anything to go by, by a) demanding I give them any tablets I have, which is absolutely not going to happen under any circumstances, and b) breaking confidentiality and telling my mum I am suicidal, and possibly that I have tablets. Both of those things would make everything worse. I need those tablets, and there is no way in hell I am giving them up. There is also the fact that my head is telling me that seeing the crisis team is a ridiculous idea and I would be far better off killing myself. But L did wake up a tiny part of me this morning that feels obliged to fight, on behalf of the people that care about me. But I am too exhausted to do that alone, and therefore the crisis team are the only option I have basically. But if they do a) or b) from above, then it would make me feel even worse, and I would be likely to end up doing something impulsive. So I am trying to decide what to do. I just feel too confused to make decisions, or be responsible for myself, or anything else that seems to be expected of me. And feeling like that just gives my head more ammunition to throw at me regarding why suicide is the best (only) option. My gut reaction is that the crisis team are likely to make things worse rather than better, but if I want to try and fight this at all, then they are basically my only option. And I hate that. I just want to curl up and die.

My sister is spectacularly immature. I noticed earlier that she has removed me as a friend on Facebook, presumably because she hates me due to me not wanting to look after her son every Thursday. This is a 41 year old mother of 2 - surely defriending someone on Facebook is the sort of thing that young teenagers do when they have a fight?! At least it really does prove what she thinks of me. Although naturally this gave my head even more ammunition - it started saying that my sister wouldn't care if I killed myself (probably true actually), and that it would be easier for my mum because she is clearly stressed by what has happened between us, and my sister is always resentful of me when talking to my mum, and if I wasn't here she would get more attention and so be happier, and my mum wouldn't feel like she was stuck in between us etc. It is just constant. I just can't calm my head down at all - it feels scarily out of control.

Still trying to decide what to do about the crisis team..... Except I can't make any fucking decisions because my head is too all over the place. I can't cope with this. I need my brain to somehow clear, and it just won't.

Monday, 15 November 2010

Today's appointment

I am really struggling. I saw L this morning. I found it really difficult to talk because my brain just felt so fixated on suicide. I was trying to listen and reply, but my head was just screaming at me non stop and I couldn't concentrate. I told her how bad I was feeling, and how difficult I was finding things, and how strong the suicidal thoughts are, although she probably would have been able to guess most of that by my inability to form a full sentence. I really don't know what to do. She did say referring me to the crisis team was an option, but that it was up to me, and she really didn't know whether it would be helpful or not, and whether there would be anything they could do to help keep me safe. I don't know. The crisis team tend to be completely shit in my experience, and most other people's it seems, plus they always have an obsession with talking to my parents about what is going on, and I find that very unhelpful - my parents knowing makes me feel worse rather than better, and there is nothing they can do to help, so it seems pointless telling them. So I don't know. I don't know if it would help, or make things worse. She talked about me needing to decide whether to fight the suicidal thoughts or give in to them, and that nobody could do that for me. I know that is true, and I understand what she was saying, but I just don't know how to fight them when they are so overwhelmingly strong and I have so little energy. And I don't even know that I want to. I just don't want to be here. She did say at one point that maybe she had been wrong and I needed hospital and medication, and that would make a difference, but I suppose that is what the crisis team would decide if I saw them. She also pointed out that the only way anyone could actually be kept safe and stopped from killing themselves would be by locking them in a padded cell is a straitjacket, which is a fair point. I think L has far more belief in my ability to cope and get through things than I ever do. I feel like it is completely impossible, but she always believes that I can do it. I honestly don't know what to do right now. My head is just constantly screaming at me at the moment, and I feel too exhausted to fight it, even if I wanted to. And I don't know if I do want to. Dying feels like a much better option. I just feel so confused and exhausted and desperate and terrible, and I really have absolutely no idea what to do.

Sunday, 14 November 2010

Crap day

Lesson learnt today: go with your gut instinct. I should have stayed in bed. I was tired anyway, and felt like utter shite, as I have done all week. I did not enjoy the audition at all. It reminded me of everything I dislike about amateur dramatics, and to an extent performing in general. It took the format of 3 workshops - acting, singing and dance, so everyone was split into 3 groups and rotated. They then chose from that who they wanted to see in the afternoon for principal auditions. The acting was ok - I thought I did one of the better auditions in my group in that, but I wasn't terribly keen on the whole format of it. The singing frustrated me - everyone had to sing the same verse of a song, which was very different both stylistically and in range to the parts that many people were auditioning for, which I found frustrating. I get that there were time constraints, but I think it would have been better to ask everyone for 16 bars from the audition song of their choice, so that you could sing something that was actually suitable. I didn't sing particularly well, which frustrated me. Then there was the dance section, which reminded me what a load of pretentious wank performing can be. The choreographer is a drama teacher (yes, I don't know why he is choreographing either - he is a reasonable dancer by amdram standards but he trained as an actor and teaches drama, not dance) and basically the 'dance' workshop took the format of a basic drama class that you would do with 11 year olds. Being a machine and doing a clap pattern, and pretending to be animals. Literally the only dance steps in the entire thing were 2 grapevines and 2 step turn steps, which we had to do whilst pretending to be an inanimate object. I had lines from the song 'Nothing' running through my head the whole time. 'Second week, more advanced, and we had to BE a table...' Except I was a rolling pin. And from that they are supposed to cast the dancers. You can't even tell a dancer from someone with 2 left feet doing a bloody grapevine. So I found the whole thing a bit of a farce really, and was wishing I had stayed in bed, and it actually seemed to be a fairly common opinion when I was discussing it with some of the others in the break. I didn't get recalled for any of the parts I had put my name down for, which pissed me off for multiple reasons - firstly because I was annoyed with myself because I know I could have sung better. Secondly because they put through one girl who had done a really shit singing audition, but is in lovely position of having worked with the MD before. To be fair, she is good. She just did a shit audition, and I kind of feel like if you are going to bother having auditions then you need to judge based purely on them. Otherwise you may as well just give the part out to the person you have had in mind from the beginning. And they also kept back some really random, unsuitable people for some parts. For example 1 girl who was a good 10 years too old for the part, but who also happens to be friendly with the MD. Then for another character, who is supposed to be young, sexy etc, and about whom the audition notes had specifically said 'slim', they kept back a 40 something year old who is definitely not slim, and who would be completely inappropriate casting, and there were several other bizarre choices. I wouldn't be annoyed that I didn't get called back, because I know I didn't do the best audition, but some of the people they did call back just could not have been more unsuitable for the parts that they were recalled for, and that pissed me off and made me feel like the whole thing was a bit of a farce really, and there were other people who were better or more suitable who didn't get recalled. So it was a very frustrating day. Like I said yesterday, it doesn't actually matter since I won't be here when the show is on, but I still don't like not doing my best, and I found the whole audition process irritating to the point where I felt like I wouldn't actually have wanted to be in the show anyway. I just spent the whole day wishing I was at home in bed, rather than at auditions for a show I had no intention of actually doing, and that yet still managed to make me feel even more shit about myself when I didn't get through. I really wish I had just stayed home.

I am absolutely exhausted again. I did manage to get to sleep earlier last night - I took 15mg of Diazepam to try and use it like a sleeping tablet, and it did seem to help, as I got to sleep quite a few hours earlier than I have been other nights recently. But I then had to get up at 8am, which is ridiculously early for me, particularly given how little sleep I have been getting lately. So I am shattered. Have also eaten far too much today then I feel comfortable with, and will have gained weight tomorrow for sure, but I am feeling so shit and so suicidal that it doesn't seem that relevant - what does it matter what I weigh when I am dead? I can't express how relieved I am that the weekend is nearly over. I am seeing L in the morning, which will probably help a bit whilst I am there, but I can't imagine anything actually changing how I feel at the moment, and that is just not to be here. I can't make myself care about anything at all. There are things I should want to live for, but I don't. Every day this week I have felt more and more desperate not to be here, and this weekend in particular has been really hideous, because I have been feeling worse than ever and yet known I couldn't do anything about it. I am just so exhausted. I don't think I have ever been quite this drained and exhausted and desperate. I just feel empty. I don't even feel like me. I am just a shell. I am really glad I am seeing L tomorrow, rather than Tuesday as usual. I need it a lot right now.

Saturday, 13 November 2010

Complete exhaustion

I am so tired. My sleep is atrocious at the moment. My sleep is never exactly textbook - I always go to sleep too late (say 2ish) and wake up too late (12ish), but that isn't so much of a problem. This never getting to sleep before 6am lark is more problematic. Especially because I seem to be tired, I just can't sleep. It always seems distinctly unfair that the more shit I feel, the worse my sleep is. This is diametrically opposed to what I would like to happen - ie I feel shit, therefore I will hibernate. Life would be much easier to cope with if there was a hibernate setting. So anyway, I think I got to sleep about half 6 this morning, despite being exhausted hours before that. I have a headache, which I am mostly attributing to exhaustion.

Tomorrow I have an audition. Yes, another one. I want to go to this one even less than the one the other day, but this is the show that I originally wanted to do more and have therefore been saying I will audition for for about 2 months now, so turning around and saying I have changed my mind would look highly suspicious. It is an all day thing starting at 10, which means leaving the house at 9, which means getting up bloody early basically. Probably about half an hour after I get to sleep. I will then be utterly exhausted, have black circles and bags under my eyes and therefore look hideous, plus I can never sing in the morning. So it is looking to be fairly shit really. Although it shouldn't actually matter, since I won't be doing the show anyway due to being dead and all, I am a perfectionist, and I do not want to do a bad audition under any circumstances. But I am feeling like it is going to be bad. I can't concentrate on anything for more than about 2 minutes, I am utterly exhausted, I have done no preparation due to a complete lack of motivation, I look like shit, and my eyes keep closing involuntarily. Tomorrow I will probably be even more tired (is that possible?) as I will have to get up at stupid o'clock, and so will have had even less sleep.

There were things I intended to do today. Nothing major. Just basic things like getting out of bed, having a shower. That type of thing. But it feels too much. I desperately want to go back to sleep, but if I do there is absolutely no chance I will be able to sleep tonight, as opposed to the very low chance I currently have. I am trying to make my brain work, but it isn't happening. I need the toilet but I really do not have the energy to get up, so I am just trying to hold on. Hopefully I will find the energy to move before I wet the bed rather than after....

I hate weekends. Actually that isn't fair. I don't hate all weekends. I hate this weekend. I hate feeling this desperate and suicidal, and yet knowing I can't act on my thoughts. And it is really hard not having any support. I can't act on the thoughts, but that doesn't make them any easier to cope with. I just want the weekend to be over so that my mum is back at work and I am on my own.

I am too tired to write any more. I don't even know if what I have written has made sense.

Friday, 12 November 2010


I am feeling so flat. I have completely lost my fight, I think more than ever before. I think it is because although it has been years since I have wanted to live for myself, I have always tried to keep going for other people, primarily my parents. I have always had vague feelings they might be better off without me, but everything that has happened over the last week has convinced me of it, and so now I really do have nothing and nobody that I feel like I need to fight for. In a way that feels quite liberating actually, because it takes away some of the guilt and makes it easier basically. I can just do what I want, and what I have wanted for years. I can’t keep going like this. I just feel like everything that makes me who I am has just been sucked out of me and I am just this empty shell, and I just feel so completely flat and drained and lifeless. I don’t know what would help, because I can’t imagine anything helping at the moment. Or really ever come to that. I think I am just broken into too many pieces. Like Humpty Dumpty. I just feel utterly hopeless, in the true sense of the word. According to an online dictionary ‘hopeless’ means;
     1. Having no hope; despairing.
     2. Offering no hope; bleak.
     3. Incurable.
     4. Having no possibility of solution; impossible
All of those definitions feel like they apply right now. I can’t carry on like this, and nothing could ever possibly be good enough to outweigh how awful I feel now, and have been for so long. And even if it could, I am too exhausted to carry on like this now. But I actually don’t think that anything in life would make living feeling like this worthwhile. I just want to stop.

L is phoning later. I feel like I don't deserve all the support I get from her. I have had a couple of people ask me how much she knows. She knows everything. She sees pretty much everything that is written here, and sometimes things I write that don't end up on here, plus whatever I tell her when I talk to her. So she does know how I am feeling and what is going on, so I do have support with it, and obviously if she feels that anything needs to be done then she can do that, for eg she has phoned me yesterday and today, and is again tomorrow (technically today since it is nearly 5am). And I am seeing her Monday. So please don't worry that nobody outside of my blog knows how I am feeling, because they do. Or rather she does.

Thursday, 11 November 2010

And more

My dad just came upstairs to talk to me. He said my mum was getting depressed and I asked why and he said because of me. Because I don’t do anything to help around the house and I need to make an effort. He said I’m not pulling my weight and it is getting her really down. I know I don’t do anything to help – I vacuum the lounge sometimes but that is about it. It is just so incredibly difficult to even find the energy and motivation to get out of bed, or shower, or get dressed – really basic self care stuff, and so I suppose I don’t even think about or notice things like housework. I rarely leave my bedroom, and the worse I feel the less I leave my room, which I suppose is why this has come up now. But whilst he was talking all I could think was how much better off they will be without me. It felt like confirmation that suicide is the right option. I can’t cope with being me, and now I am making my mum depressed too. I just wish I could do it sooner.

Edit: Forgot to say, L called earlier as promised and talked to me for a while. She said she will call again tomorrow. And I am due to see her Monday morning. I can get by until then. Mostly due to lack of alternatives - there are people around over the weekend. I will keep talking to her and maybe it will help. I'll see how I am feeling after that I suppose. She does know everything that has been going on and what I am thinking/feeling though.

Suicidal thoughts

I am still feeling shit. When I weighed tonight it was exactly the same as last night, which means my weight will be pretty much the same tomorrow as it was today, which is a pound higher than yesterday as predicted.

The suicidal thoughts are strong. I am feeling quite angry and upset because as I mentioned, I did have a plan formulating in my head, which was going to happen Sunday night/Monday, but my mum has had to switch her morning off next week to Monday instead of Tuesday, so that isn't going to work. And that made me feel really hopeless. It is just one of those things I guess, but I don't like it when I have to change something that was worked out in my head. I feel like there should be something that would make me want to stay alive, but there isn't. It all seems utterly pointless. But for now I just have to keep pretending everything is ok. Put on a happy face. There's a song called Put On A Happy Face in Bye Bye Birdie. I am trying to carry on with life as I would be if I wasn't feeling like this. Maybe it will distract me a bit. Tonight I went to ballet and then went and did an audition. Kind of funny really. I have no intention whatsoever of being alive when the show is on, but I had said last week that I was going to audition, and so didn't want to raise suspicions by not going.

I just don’t want to be here. At all. I’ve had enough. Of everything. I can’t cope with feeling like this, and I can’t imagine things ever changing. 7 years now, and I am no better at all. In fact in many ways I am worse. Maybe things would get better one day, although I’ve no idea how, but I see no point whatsoever in waiting around for that time to come. If it ever would, which I do seriously doubt. I just need everything to stop now. I can’t think properly. My brain feels like it has been replaced by cotton wool. I feel so incredibly flat. I don’t think there is anything at all that could make me feel happy or excited. I should already be excited – in 3 and a half weeks I am due to sing in a concert that is really quite a big deal - certainly the biggest thing I've ever done. Someone asked me the other day if I was excited or nervous about it, and I just thought I don’t actually feel anything at all. Nothing. Which ironically is the song I am supposed to be singing. ‘And I said “Nothing. I’m feeling nothing”’ is one of the lines in the song. And I’m not. Although I didn't tell them that. If I had been told 6 months ago that I would have this opportunity it would have meant the world to me. And now I can’t even face staying alive long enough to do it. Which is kind of sad really. It should be something worth staying alive for, even if I was going to kill myself after. But I just don’t care about anything right now. All I know is I feel awful, nothing matters to me, and I want to make life stop.

I spoke to L earlier. Not for long. I emailed her last night after my freak out asking if she could call me if she got time today, and she did, but she wasn't able to talk for very long. But she has said she will call again tomorrow. At 1. I am very lucky to have such a supportive CPN. I would never have lasted this long without her. I will talk to her again tomorrow. I know she won't be able to take the feelings away, but it does help to talk to her. And she is the only person that I can be completely honest with, about everything. I have never trusted anyone to the extent I do her - I do feel that I can tell her pretty much anything and everything. So I will talk to her about how I am feeling. Maybe it will help a bit.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Panic and suicidal thoughts

I am really freaking out. I just did my middle of the night weigh in, and I was a whole pound heavier than the same time last night. I honestly don't know how to deal with that. It sounds so ridiculous, because I know that really a pound is nothing, but it feel like an enormous amount. And actually, if I lose a pound I am very pleased, so I suppose I see it as a lot that way, and therefore gaining a pound also has to be seen as a lot. I was expecting my weight to be slightly higher today, as I probably ate a little more than I have been, and also, my weight was down 0.6 of a pound today from yesterday, when I had expected it to be about the same, or maybe down 0.2, so I did think that it might have gone up a little tomorrow, like maybe 0.4, and was bracing myself for that, but to see the number a whole pound higher than last night just really did make me panic. I just don't know what to do. I haven't been feeling good today anyway, and seeing that really did make me have strong suicidal thoughts. Which I suppose proves just how important losing weight has been lately in keeping me going. The ridiculous thing is, a week ago I would have been delighted to see the number I just saw in one of my middle of the night weigh ins, and now it devastates me. That sounds like an exaggeration, but it really isn't.

I do feel like this last week has been really tough. My mood has been getting lower and lower, and the suicidal thoughts have been increasing in intensity. Then the argument with my mum on Saturday hurt me enormously, and left me feeling very confused, and also like there was less to stop me from killing myself. I really have been desperately clinging on to my weight going down as something positive in my life that I could try and focus on and pour all of my energies into, to try and stop me thinking about suicide all the time, and to prove to myself that I wasn't useless, and that I was suceeding at something. And now suddenly that has gone, and I am not quite sure where that leaves me. I feel like a failure for a start. And greedy and disgusting and useless. And I hate myself. I am really starting to feel quite strongly again that I just can't cope. That I need to kill myself, and that actually suicide is the right option. I just don't want to be here at all, and whilst I do always feel like that, the feelings are far more intense at the moment and I just don't know if I can get through them, or if I want to.

Ironically I actually had quite a good appointment with L today. True to form I can only remember little snippets of what was said, but I did feel like she understood my point of view regarding the things I have been writing about this week. I think she often feels very restricted and frustrated by the system and the way it works. We somehow got onto the topic of Therapeutic Communities, and how helpful the good ones could be, but how it is virtually impossible to get funding, unless you are currently costing the NHS a fortune, as in lots of admissions to acute wards etc etc, and how someone like me, who just sees her weekly, would have next to no chance of getting funding. She said how unfair it is, and that I have worked very hard and am very good at not acting on my impulses all the time, but that doesn't mean I am any less ill or am struggling any less than people who do continually self harm or overdose. Although that was possibly just her validating my feelings after what I wrote yesterday! But no, I do genuinely believe that she thinks that and understands how difficult it is for me, and I do frequently get the impression she is very frustrated by the confines within which she has to work. She also said to think about services etc that aren't available, as she has started to include service deficits on peoples care plans (I think much to the annoyance of her manager!). Not that it will change anything, but I do really like that she doesn't just accept things as they are, and does try and fight negative attitudes and problems with the system etc - whether it makes any difference or not is kind of irrelevant, I just think it is important that there are people out there working within mental health who are prepared to challenge the system and not just sit back and accept that things are shit. The more people who stand up and do that the better.

It is kind of scary how quickly my mood has dropped. I suppose that is what happens when you invest everything in one thing, in my case my weight, and then that goes wrong. I was feeling very low this afternoon, but nothing like to the extent that I am now. It is like I was at the bottom of a pit, and then suddenly the bottom dropped out and I fell even further. I honestly don't know what to do. My suicidal thoughts had already started to reach the planning stage in that I was thinking in terms of days and times etc, but it feels that much more urgent now. If I get through tomorrow and Thursday then I will be ok until the end of the weekend, as there would be a lack of opportunity anyway Friday/Saturday/Sunday. And I think I can do that. I just don't want to. I think I will try and call L tomorrow. Maybe that will help to calm me down a little. I don't know what else to do.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Validation and invalidation

It was so bloody cold today. I woke up and was freezing, even whilst I was still in bed. I put the heating on but I never really warmed up. Then I had to go off to ballet, and I did warm up a little whilst I was dancing, but then I went to a sing through for one of the musicals I have been considering auditioning for, and it was absolutely freezing there - it was barely any warmer than outside, and so I spent the entire 2 and a half hours with icy cold hands, and that was with leaving my coat on! I am in bed now in my pyjamas and bed socks and dressing gown, with a hot water bottle, and underneath a duvet and blanket, but I am still quite cold. I hate having such awful circulation! Tomorrow I don't have to leave the house at all, which is going to be really nice, as it looks like it will be freezing again. I usually see L Tuesday morning, but this week she is doing a home visit in the afternoon, which is good for two reasons - firstly I get to sleep in, and secondly I don't have to go out in the cold and wet!

I am still really shitty, and struggling with everything. My weight has stayed fairly stable over the last few days, after a period of losing. It has gone down slightly, but not much. But I did lose 2lbs between last Monday and this Monday, and another 2 the week before. I have no idea where they went from though, as I don't seem to be any smaller at all. My waist may be slightly smaller, but my hips and thighs are typically not budging. I really need the numbers to start going down again, and I am terrified that I will have gained tomorrow. I ate more today than I wanted to, or feel that I should have. My dinner had about 150kcals more in than I thought it had (as I looked up the figure online a little while ago), and I had some other things I shouldn't have had. The frustrating thing is that dinner was so long ago that I am already feeling hungry - I had to eat sooner after half 4, as I was out from 5 until half 10, whereas I usually eat about 7, and despite normally eating far fewer calories than I had today, I don't usually get hungry again. So I am feeling quite frustrated. I suppose I did dance for an hour, so that will have had to burn some calories, but I am worried it won't be enough. I am going to go and weigh myself in a moment to check my middle of the night weight, so that I am not too horrified when I weigh myself tomorrow, but I am already petrified that it is going to be a number that means I will have gained weight, and I don't know what I will do if it is. Mood wise I am still struggling a lot. I am thinking a lot about suicide, and when I could do it. I think I have it worked out when I could do it. It isn't any time this week, so I suppose I will have to see how things go over the next few days, but I am just finding everything so hard, and I keep thinking that if I don't do it really soon, then it will be January before I could do anything due to my rules on suicide, and the thought of living until January is really, really scary.

I spoke to my friend A via text earlier. She said she is still feeling bad. She saw her social worker earlier, who suggested admission, but she said she would rather stay at home, so she is being seen daily by the crisis team, hospital is remaining an option, and she is seeing her social worker again in a couple of days. I spent some time wondering why the treatment that she, and other people, gets bothers me, and what it is that makes me jealous about it. I know from experience that hospital is crap - that it isn't therapeutic, and isn't a nice environment to be in, and yet I still feel envious that she is always given that as an option. And I think there are two reasons. Firstly, I think it is just about having the chance to have that complete break and not having to be responsible for anything or take care of yourself when you are really struggling. I find it so hard to keep going on my own sometimes when I feel really awful, and even though I know hospital would be shit in many ways, and achieve absolutely nothing in the long term, it would be a break in the short term, and when things are so bad that I can only think in the very short term (and mostly because I don't feel that there will be a long term as the suicidal thoughts get so strong) that seems like a reasonable option. And then I think the other thing is to do with validation. If you are feeling really dreadful, and you are offered more support, in whatever form - whether it be more appointments, or being seen by the crisis team, or hospital - it is validation of how you are feeling. Obviously people can say they know that you are feeling really bad etc, but I actually never feel like that means much when I am at my worst. Although I know rationally that options are very limited, when I am feeling that bad it just feels like if people really believed that I was feeling as desperate and suicidal as I was saying I was, then surely they would try to do something. I suppose it can feel quite invalidating to say that you feel suicidal and are planning to kill yourself and for no further support to be offered, as it then feels like people either don't believe what you are saying, which is why they aren't arranging more support, or that they don't really care whether you kill yourself or not. Whilst logically I am aware that it doesn't necessarily mean that, that is how it feels, and I think that is why I get quite jealous of other people when they are offered a lot of help when they are feeling bad. Whether the help is actually helpful or not is almost irrelevant - I think that just the offer or arrangement of it makes it seem like people have listened to what you have said, taken you seriously, and are giving you support to stay safe. I am not sure if that sounds attention seeking. Maybe it does, but it isn't supposed to. I would never say that I was planning to kill myself or didn't think that I could keep myself safe unless I was genuinely thinking that, and very strongly. I am not referring to the general discussion or mention of suicidal thoughts, as that is often a different matter - I just mean when things really are at rock bottom and I have planned when and how I am going to kill myself, or I am feeling so desperate and unsafe that I might act on impulse. As demonstrated by recent events, I am unlikely to receive much support or validation from my family at these times, which is why I rarely talk about how I am feeling with them, and so I suppose I primarily look to professionals for validation of my feelings, and whilst I do feel like I get that the majority of the time from L, I do find it incredibly difficult when I feel like I am in crisis, and that is why I feel envious of other people getting more help than I do in similar circumstances. I do understand the rationale behind decisions like that (for eg hospital is shit and doesn't actually help at all long, or even medium term) feelings and emotions don't generally follow reason, however much you try to force them to. And I think I needed to work out what it was that caused those feelings of hurt and jealousy when friends receive help, as it tends to make me feel guilty for being jealous when they are obviously having such a difficult time, but I do think it is a combination of just being desperate for a break when things get that bad, and needing to feel validated. And I am not sure what the answer is, or even if there is one, but at least now I think I know where the thoughts stem from.

Monday, 8 November 2010

Thank You

I am going to bed now, as I have been awake for 17 hours after only getting 4 hours sleep, and am exhausted, but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your support over the last couple of days. Actually, for your support always, but I have really needed it the last couple of days, and there was nowhere I could turn to except for here, so thank you. I really do appreciate it. I feel very lucky to have such understanding and supportive friends and fellow bloggers online. xxxx

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Very tired

I am absolutely exhausted. I couldn't get to sleep last night - it was even worse than usual for some reason. Then I had to be up at 9 this morning, so I ended up with less than 4 hours sleep. So I am feeling totally zombified and desperate for a nap, but trying to stay awake so that I can sleep tonight. Although I know it won't work - I will be shattered until about 8 o'clock, and then get a burst of energy and not be able to sleep until the middle of the night again, because that is always what happens with me, no matter how long I have been awake, on how little sleep.

I had a rehearsal at 11 this morning. It wasn't for long - it was just to run through my solo for the concert in December. I think it went ok - my voice wasn't overly happy at the beginning because it doesn't like mornings (nor does the rest of me, but my voice has particularly firm views about when it is acceptable to sing and when it isn't, and mornings are a no go!) but it did improve as we went on, and it wasn't horrific. They seemed pleased enough with how it went, which is good, as I am unlikely to get to do it again until the day of the concert, when we have a full run through with the band in the afternoon, before the concert itself in the evening. The only thing I am not happy about is what I am going to be wearing. As it is a concert, I assumed it would be evening dress, but they apparently want people in costumes vaguely appropriate for the song they are singing - not costume, but something they consider suitable. For the vast majority of people I think this will be evening dress, as for songs like Memory and Somewhere and Defying Gravity etc, evening dress is about as appropriate as anything else bar full costume. However, they have decided they don't want me in evening dress. They want me in trousers. Now I hate trousers at any time - I feel like they really accentuate the parts of my body that I hate most - my thighs, followed by my hips, but I am going to hate them even more when everyone else is in pretty dresses. I rarely wear trousers - I will wear them if I am just hanging around in the house, or popping to an appointment, but if I am putting any effort at all into what I look like then I wear a skirt or dress, as I feel very self conscious in trousers. So it is far from ideal that I have to wear trousers for this concert, particularly when virtually everyone else, possibly every single other female, will be in evening dress.

I didn't end up seeing my friend at all after all. She texted me earlier saying that she hadn't been feeling that great all week, and hadn't slept well last night and was feeling more ill today, so she was sorry but she was going to give it a miss. I wasn't too bothered really. I suppose it would have been nice to see her, but I am feeling pretty shit, so it is kind of nice not having to put on a front and pretend everything is fine.

I am still feeling really upset and hurt by what happened yesterday. There has been absolutely no mention of any of it today - my mum is just acting like nothing happened. I've not spoken to my sister, and don't have any desire to. Although I am actually far more hurt by my mum, as I knew my sister didn't like me anyway - that has been evident for many years. I had hoped that my mum would have been more supportive of me.

Cancelled lunch....

It really hasn't been a good day. After the debacle earlier, I just laid in my bed in the dark crying for ages. I was really upset. Then my parents got home from the fireworks they had been to, and my mum came upstairs and asked if I was going to go downstairs. I said that I was too upset by what she had said to be around her at the moment, and got a lecture from her on how I upset other people, and she then said I shouldn't always try and punish people - apparently me crying was my way of trying to punish her for what she had said. I suppose me being genuinely upset didn't cross her mind as of course everything I do is for effect. So things have been pretty tense tonight. She has seemed to switch between pretending nothing happened, and blaming me for it. I am still feeling incredibly hurt and upset and invalidated.

I am not going out for lunch with my friend tomorrow. I was feeling so stressed about it, and so I tried to think of a compromise, and decided that dinner would be a little easier, as I could then just not eat until then, and so although I would still be having more than I usually would in a day, hopefully I wouldn't have too much more. So I texted and asked if she fancied going for dinner instead as I am not usually very hungry at lunch time (which is true - even when I am eating 'normally' I find it difficult to eat my main meal at lunch, as I am just not very hungry then). She texted back saying that she couldn't do the evening, but we could go out for dinner some other evening if I would prefer that to lunch. I said I didn't mind, and said I was free thursday, friday and saturday evenings if she wanted to do that. She said she didn't have any free evenings in the next week, but it seemed like I would prefer to do an evening so should we do that? I said maybe she could come over for a while in the afternoon tomorrow to catch up, and then we could go out for a meal one evening sometime soon (safe in the knowledge it won't be too soon....). I feel like a bit of a bitch and a useless friend for changing plans like that, but I was just so stressed about it. And I will still be seeing her, so it isn't like I cancelled totally I guess. I just couldn't cope with eating out when I am feeling this vulnerable. I don't even want to leave the house, but I don't have a choice with that.

I really need to try and sleep as I need to be up in 7 hours, but I am not sleepy. I have a concert rehearsal from 11 until 12, then my friend is going to come over at about 1. I would really like to just stay in bed all day and not see or speak to anyone, but unfortunately that isn't an option. I feel so shit.

Saturday, 6 November 2010

Attention seeking and selfish

I am feeling really shit. My mum told my sister that I didn't want to look after my nephew anymore, and as predicted it went down like a lead balloon, and she was apparently furious. My mum said it will cause another big family rift like we had a few years back, and said I should have just kept looking after him however anxious and stressed it made me basically. She then said that my sister had said that when she hears other people (ie people outside the family) talking about me, or sees the things that people wrote in cards to me when I did Carousel, it is like they are talking about another person, and she thinks that the way I behave at home, ie staying in my room most of the time, and saying that things make me anxious etc is purely for effect and not because there is anything wrong. My mum apparently agrees with this analysis, and said something about 'everyone' (ie the family) thinking the same thing. So my entire family apparently think that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I am just attention seeking, selfish, and lazy. I knew my mum would take my sister's side - it was entirely predictable, as she always does. I got really upset when my mum told me that they all think that. I tried to stay calm, but I just couldn't help crying. It is really hurtful that they all think that. She then asked if I was going to go to the fireworks display with her and my dad, that they were going to because that was the one my sister was going to. I said that it didn't sound like I would be very welcome, and she said that I could apologise to my sister, and say that I would look after my nephew when she wanted me to. I said I didn't understand what I would be apologising for - I have looked after my nephew for half a term, despite it meaning having to tell T I couldn't see him twice when I would have liked to, and getting really stressed every week. My mum then went off on one about how I never say sorry, and how I make it into such a big deal, but I don't understand what I should be apologising for. I don't believe you should say sorry unless you are, and I don't know what I have done wrong. Apparently I am selfish and unhelpful because my sister now has to find someone else to look after my nephew on a Thursday. I would have thought that doing it for half a term would have given her plenty of time to find someone else - I did say the very first time that she asked me that I didn't really want to be committed to doing it every week, but that if there were odd occasions that would be fine, but obviously I got dumped with doing it every week anyway. I feel so hurt and upset - partly that my sister said those things about me, even though I knew that was what she thought of me anyway, but more so that my mum agreed with her and backed her up. I don't know what to do with myself. I am so upset, and I feel like my whole family hate me. It just made me want to kill myself even more than I usually do. If they have such a low opinion of me, then I can't think they would even miss me much. I have been feeling really low today, and hearing that has just completely devastated me. My mum didn't even seem to care how upset I was - I suppose she thought I was doing it for effect, and my dad, who usually does support me when there is something going on between my sister and I, didn't even bother coming to see me before they went off to the fireworks. Needless to say I didn't go. For a start I can't stop crying, but also I don't think even a bonfire would have melted the ice between my sister and I. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to overdose so much, but they won't even be out that long so I can't. And now I am sitting here wondering if I am just an attention seeking, selfish bitch like they seem to think I am. I can't cope. I really didn't need this when I have been feeling so terrible. My mum is the person I have always tried to keep going for, and now I am honestly wondering why I bother if she feels like that about me.

Titles are overrated

This is ridiculous. I spent the whole day absolutely exhausted, despite actually getting a fairly reasonable amount of sleep, and yet here I am at 4am, pretty wide awake. Why is it that I could go to sleep at 7 or 8 on virtually any day, but never at say 11 or 12, or even 1 or 2?? I have even tried the going to bed really early thing in the past (at about 9pm) but my body thought I was joking and just had a nice little cat nap for a couple of hours and then I was wide awake and bouncy, and got to sleep properly even later than usual.

So, today. Started well. Weight down. Woohoo. Actually the lowest it has been (although admittedly only by half a pound) since I gained weight at the beginning of the year. I need it to keep going down. My middle of the night weigh in tonight was promising for a lower, or at least not a higher, weight again tomorrow. Lower would be great of course.... Over the last couple of weeks I seem to have managed to get back into the knack of making my weight go down or stay the same virtually every day - there has only actually been one day when it went up, and it went straight back down the next day. So that is very good. That needs to keep happening. It is very important that keeps happening. I am clinging to my weight going down really hard, as it is the only thing at all that I am able to feel positive about at the moment - the rest of the time my mind is filled with suicidal thoughts, and all of the things I wrote about yesterday, and I really need there to be one positive in my life, or I don't know how I can keep going. Fairly naturally, losing more weight today made me freak out even more about the meal with my friend on Sunday. It will mean a weight gain for sure, and I just don't know how to accept that without completely falling apart. It wouldn't be so bad if it was in the evening, as then I could not eat during the day (which is pretty much what I do anyway) and then just have the meal out as my only food for the day, but eating out at lunch time is a real issue because I will then be feeling hungry by the evening, and so will want more to eat then. I am kind of panicking. And I don't know how I can back out of it, as I told her I was free, and what time before she suggested eating out. I am actually terrified. I feel so pathetic. 3 weeks ago I ate out and it was fine. But my mood is so precarious at the moment, and my weight is the only thing keeping it stable, and I am just so scared that if that goes up I will totally crash.

My day has been pretty non eventful really apart from the exhaustion, and now lack of sleep. I saw Dr O this afternoon. She asked if my back was better, I said no, and explained about my upper hamstrings also been very tight. She said pulled muscles can go on for months and there was nothing I could do, and said that back injuries did tend to recur, and take longer to heal when you had a history of them. I said I didn't have a history of them. She was confused as for some reason she thought I had a history of bad backs. She also pointed out that things took longer to heal when you got older. Then looked like she realised what she had said, and said that she would still place me in the 'young' category. My lump is apparently a little cyst. It may go away, or it may not. Which I could probably have guessed really. I said Dr Google told me it was a tumour on my salivary glands but that I had decided I should ask a real doctor really. It apparently isn't a tumour on my salivary glands, so that's nice. Although I still think it might be. I suppose she knows what she's talking about, but do tumours and cysts really look and feel that different? She did the usual thing of making assumptions about my mental health without actually asking me any questions, and said that it was good that things had been on such an even keel for so long. I think I may have smirked. I said it wasn't very even, but that I had decided it was pointless talking about it because it wouldn't change anything, which she agreed with. Which makes me think she possibly doesn't have a terribly high opinion of therapy. I do find it irritating when people make assumptions about how you are without asking you, but at least now she doesn't recommend I learn to cross stitch or go to church, which is always a bonus.

My concentration has been utter shite all day. I don't know if that is a result of my mood, or how tired I have been (despite not really having any reason to be tired), but I haven't been able to think straight at all. It took me hours to write an email, and I have had to read anything that anyone has said to me twice to try and make sense of it. I am going to try and sleep now since it is 4:30am. No plans at all for tomorrow, except stressing about plans for Sunday. I can't cope with a meal out.