This is ridiculous. I spent the whole day absolutely exhausted, despite actually getting a fairly reasonable amount of sleep, and yet here I am at 4am, pretty wide awake. Why is it that I could go to sleep at 7 or 8 on virtually any day, but never at say 11 or 12, or even 1 or 2?? I have even tried the going to bed really early thing in the past (at about 9pm) but my body thought I was joking and just had a nice little cat nap for a couple of hours and then I was wide awake and bouncy, and got to sleep properly even later than usual.
So, today. Started well. Weight down. Woohoo. Actually the lowest it has been (although admittedly only by half a pound) since I gained weight at the beginning of the year. I need it to keep going down. My middle of the night weigh in tonight was promising for a lower, or at least not a higher, weight again tomorrow. Lower would be great of course.... Over the last couple of weeks I seem to have managed to get back into the knack of making my weight go down or stay the same virtually every day - there has only actually been one day when it went up, and it went straight back down the next day. So that is very good. That needs to keep happening. It is very important that keeps happening. I am clinging to my weight going down really hard, as it is the only thing at all that I am able to feel positive about at the moment - the rest of the time my mind is filled with suicidal thoughts, and all of the things I wrote about yesterday, and I really need there to be one positive in my life, or I don't know how I can keep going. Fairly naturally, losing more weight today made me freak out even more about the meal with my friend on Sunday. It will mean a weight gain for sure, and I just don't know how to accept that without completely falling apart. It wouldn't be so bad if it was in the evening, as then I could not eat during the day (which is pretty much what I do anyway) and then just have the meal out as my only food for the day, but eating out at lunch time is a real issue because I will then be feeling hungry by the evening, and so will want more to eat then. I am kind of panicking. And I don't know how I can back out of it, as I told her I was free, and what time before she suggested eating out. I am actually terrified. I feel so pathetic. 3 weeks ago I ate out and it was fine. But my mood is so precarious at the moment, and my weight is the only thing keeping it stable, and I am just so scared that if that goes up I will totally crash.
My day has been pretty non eventful really apart from the exhaustion, and now lack of sleep. I saw Dr O this afternoon. She asked if my back was better, I said no, and explained about my upper hamstrings also been very tight. She said pulled muscles can go on for months and there was nothing I could do, and said that back injuries did tend to recur, and take longer to heal when you had a history of them. I said I didn't have a history of them. She was confused as for some reason she thought I had a history of bad backs. She also pointed out that things took longer to heal when you got older. Then looked like she realised what she had said, and said that she would still place me in the 'young' category. My lump is apparently a little cyst. It may go away, or it may not. Which I could probably have guessed really. I said Dr Google told me it was a tumour on my salivary glands but that I had decided I should ask a real doctor really. It apparently isn't a tumour on my salivary glands, so that's nice. Although I still think it might be. I suppose she knows what she's talking about, but do tumours and cysts really look and feel that different? She did the usual thing of making assumptions about my mental health without actually asking me any questions, and said that it was good that things had been on such an even keel for so long. I think I may have smirked. I said it wasn't very even, but that I had decided it was pointless talking about it because it wouldn't change anything, which she agreed with. Which makes me think she possibly doesn't have a terribly high opinion of therapy. I do find it irritating when people make assumptions about how you are without asking you, but at least now she doesn't recommend I learn to cross stitch or go to church, which is always a bonus.
My concentration has been utter shite all day. I don't know if that is a result of my mood, or how tired I have been (despite not really having any reason to be tired), but I haven't been able to think straight at all. It took me hours to write an email, and I have had to read anything that anyone has said to me twice to try and make sense of it. I am going to try and sleep now since it is 4:30am. No plans at all for tomorrow, except stressing about plans for Sunday. I can't cope with a meal out.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
1 week ago