I feel like I need to write but I don't know what really. I am struggling a lot. It is everything I can do not to OD tonight. The thoughts are so strong. I think it isn't being helped by the fact I am due to see L tomorrow. Ordinarily that would help me - knowing I was seeing her would make me feel more able to get through, but right now it is the opposite of that. I am angry with myself for still being alive, when there is actually no part of me at all that wants to be. And I am angry with her for being right because I am still fucking here, and therefore technically I have 'coped', however hideous it has been. I suppose that is one of the reasons the thoughts are so strong tonight. I am still alive despite saying I couldn't cope and that I wanted to kill myself, and I hate myself for that. I know others will see it as a strength, but I see it as an enormous weakness. I am angry with myself for reacting as strongly as I have to this situation. And I feel so fucking hurt and abandoned and rejected by her not contacting me at all in the last week despite knowing how terrible I was feeling, and me actually asking for help, which is something I so rarely do. And so I am angry about that too. I could be dead for all she knows. I just feel so upset and angry about everything, and I still feel so terrible and so suicidal, and my head is just screaming at me to overdose tonight - it is a good day for it, or feels it. I don't know how to quieten it down. Or if I want to.
I am not seeing L tomorrow regardless. I am debating whether it would be better to email her tonight, saying that I don't want to see her and that I want to be discharged, or whether I should call the receptionist in the morning and ask her to tell L. Either way I am not saying any more than that. I haven't had an explanation of why she hasn't contacted me for over a week, so I don't feel like I need to give any explanations either. Email would be the obvious choice, but there is always a risk she won't check her emails. I really wish it wasn't a home visit. I so rarely have home visits - why this week?! If I was due to go there I could just not turn up, which would be much simpler. But with a home visit I don't have that option. I can't face seeing her though, and right now I don't feel like I want to see anyone mental health related ever again. I find it so difficult to trust people. I let so few people get close, because I am scared of ending up hurt. And I trusted her so completely. More than anyone else I have ever known I think. I have said things to her I would never have even considered saying to anyone else. And now I have been hurt. And I don't feel like I will ever be able to trust anyone again. Or ask for help again. And I am finding it so difficult not having her there when I need to talk to someone. I know that technically I could have called, but I couldn't. I don't think I have ever felt as alone as I have this last week. My head has been so overwhelming, and I have had absolutely nowhere to turn to. And I just can't cope. I need some form of release, but I can't see anything helping right now. I feel totally helpless.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago