Thursday, 18 November 2010
I feel really alone. And desperate. I just self harmed - I hoped that hurting myself might make me feel a bit better, but it didn't. It's only superficial. I very rarely self harm - I can't actually remember the last time I did it. I think possibly early this year. So a long time ago. Sometimes I have got relief from it, but that seems to be when I am in an agitated type depression, not this desperately low, flat, suicidal type of depression. It is only ever superficial, but hurting myself just seems to help sometimes, and I think when I am agitated it helps to ground me. Nothing today though. Even my more self destructive coping mechanisms like self harming, and focusing on my weight etc aren't helping. In fact, I am more or less ignoring my weight. I have very little appetite at the moment, so do seem to have lost a little bit, but it doesn't make me feel good. Nothing does. I got told tonight that I had got the lead in one of the shows I auditioned for last week. Obviously not the Sunday audition. The other ones. I actually couldn't have cared less, despite it being a brilliant part. And my parents were really pleased for me and asking if I was excited, and so I tried to smile and be pleased but it just meant nothing to me. I suppose partly because I have zero intention of being alive then. And then partly just because I can't seem to feel excitement or happiness or pleasure or anything at all really from anything at the moment. I feel so lost. And out of options. I am getting more and more desperate. I have been trying so hard the last few days. I really have. I feel like I have done absolutely everything I possibly could. But none of it has got me anywhere. I am so exhausted.