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Thursday, 18 November 2010
I feel really alone. And desperate. I just self harmed - I hoped that hurting myself might make me feel a bit better, but it didn't. It's only superficial. I very rarely self harm - I can't actually remember the last time I did it. I think possibly early this year. So a long time ago. Sometimes I have got relief from it, but that seems to be when I am in an agitated type depression, not this desperately low, flat, suicidal type of depression. It is only ever superficial, but hurting myself just seems to help sometimes, and I think when I am agitated it helps to ground me. Nothing today though. Even my more self destructive coping mechanisms like self harming, and focusing on my weight etc aren't helping. In fact, I am more or less ignoring my weight. I have very little appetite at the moment, so do seem to have lost a little bit, but it doesn't make me feel good. Nothing does. I got told tonight that I had got the lead in one of the shows I auditioned for last week. Obviously not the Sunday audition. The other ones. I actually couldn't have cared less, despite it being a brilliant part. And my parents were really pleased for me and asking if I was excited, and so I tried to smile and be pleased but it just meant nothing to me. I suppose partly because I have zero intention of being alive then. And then partly just because I can't seem to feel excitement or happiness or pleasure or anything at all really from anything at the moment. I feel so lost. And out of options. I am getting more and more desperate. I have been trying so hard the last few days. I really have. I feel like I have done absolutely everything I possibly could. But none of it has got me anywhere. I am so exhausted.
I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse.
If you know me in real life, then please respect my wish for anonymity here.
You are welcome to add me on Facebook - I am on there as Bippidee Mentalist, and on Twitter as bippidee86.