I am so tired. My sleep is atrocious at the moment. My sleep is never exactly textbook - I always go to sleep too late (say 2ish) and wake up too late (12ish), but that isn't so much of a problem. This never getting to sleep before 6am lark is more problematic. Especially because I seem to be tired, I just can't sleep. It always seems distinctly unfair that the more shit I feel, the worse my sleep is. This is diametrically opposed to what I would like to happen - ie I feel shit, therefore I will hibernate. Life would be much easier to cope with if there was a hibernate setting. So anyway, I think I got to sleep about half 6 this morning, despite being exhausted hours before that. I have a headache, which I am mostly attributing to exhaustion.
Tomorrow I have an audition. Yes, another one. I want to go to this one even less than the one the other day, but this is the show that I originally wanted to do more and have therefore been saying I will audition for for about 2 months now, so turning around and saying I have changed my mind would look highly suspicious. It is an all day thing starting at 10, which means leaving the house at 9, which means getting up bloody early basically. Probably about half an hour after I get to sleep. I will then be utterly exhausted, have black circles and bags under my eyes and therefore look hideous, plus I can never sing in the morning. So it is looking to be fairly shit really. Although it shouldn't actually matter, since I won't be doing the show anyway due to being dead and all, I am a perfectionist, and I do not want to do a bad audition under any circumstances. But I am feeling like it is going to be bad. I can't concentrate on anything for more than about 2 minutes, I am utterly exhausted, I have done no preparation due to a complete lack of motivation, I look like shit, and my eyes keep closing involuntarily. Tomorrow I will probably be even more tired (is that possible?) as I will have to get up at stupid o'clock, and so will have had even less sleep.
There were things I intended to do today. Nothing major. Just basic things like getting out of bed, having a shower. That type of thing. But it feels too much. I desperately want to go back to sleep, but if I do there is absolutely no chance I will be able to sleep tonight, as opposed to the very low chance I currently have. I am trying to make my brain work, but it isn't happening. I need the toilet but I really do not have the energy to get up, so I am just trying to hold on. Hopefully I will find the energy to move before I wet the bed rather than after....
I hate weekends. Actually that isn't fair. I don't hate all weekends. I hate this weekend. I hate feeling this desperate and suicidal, and yet knowing I can't act on my thoughts. And it is really hard not having any support. I can't act on the thoughts, but that doesn't make them any easier to cope with. I just want the weekend to be over so that my mum is back at work and I am on my own.
I am too tired to write any more. I don't even know if what I have written has made sense.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago