Saturday, 13 November 2010

Complete exhaustion

I am so tired. My sleep is atrocious at the moment. My sleep is never exactly textbook - I always go to sleep too late (say 2ish) and wake up too late (12ish), but that isn't so much of a problem. This never getting to sleep before 6am lark is more problematic. Especially because I seem to be tired, I just can't sleep. It always seems distinctly unfair that the more shit I feel, the worse my sleep is. This is diametrically opposed to what I would like to happen - ie I feel shit, therefore I will hibernate. Life would be much easier to cope with if there was a hibernate setting. So anyway, I think I got to sleep about half 6 this morning, despite being exhausted hours before that. I have a headache, which I am mostly attributing to exhaustion.

Tomorrow I have an audition. Yes, another one. I want to go to this one even less than the one the other day, but this is the show that I originally wanted to do more and have therefore been saying I will audition for for about 2 months now, so turning around and saying I have changed my mind would look highly suspicious. It is an all day thing starting at 10, which means leaving the house at 9, which means getting up bloody early basically. Probably about half an hour after I get to sleep. I will then be utterly exhausted, have black circles and bags under my eyes and therefore look hideous, plus I can never sing in the morning. So it is looking to be fairly shit really. Although it shouldn't actually matter, since I won't be doing the show anyway due to being dead and all, I am a perfectionist, and I do not want to do a bad audition under any circumstances. But I am feeling like it is going to be bad. I can't concentrate on anything for more than about 2 minutes, I am utterly exhausted, I have done no preparation due to a complete lack of motivation, I look like shit, and my eyes keep closing involuntarily. Tomorrow I will probably be even more tired (is that possible?) as I will have to get up at stupid o'clock, and so will have had even less sleep.

There were things I intended to do today. Nothing major. Just basic things like getting out of bed, having a shower. That type of thing. But it feels too much. I desperately want to go back to sleep, but if I do there is absolutely no chance I will be able to sleep tonight, as opposed to the very low chance I currently have. I am trying to make my brain work, but it isn't happening. I need the toilet but I really do not have the energy to get up, so I am just trying to hold on. Hopefully I will find the energy to move before I wet the bed rather than after....

I hate weekends. Actually that isn't fair. I don't hate all weekends. I hate this weekend. I hate feeling this desperate and suicidal, and yet knowing I can't act on my thoughts. And it is really hard not having any support. I can't act on the thoughts, but that doesn't make them any easier to cope with. I just want the weekend to be over so that my mum is back at work and I am on my own.

I am too tired to write any more. I don't even know if what I have written has made sense.


  1. *hugs* Poor Bippidee.

    I will pray for you.

    You're doing well if you make it to the autdition, feeling as you do.

    Please try to stay alive. This darkness will not be forever.

  2. Oh Bippie...Can I call you Bippie? ;) Have to say that I was worried cause you didn't post yesterday. (not that you HAVE to) Obviously, the worrying is my problem, but I was so relieved to see your name even though you feel shit. I'm so sorry sweetie; that really sucks.

    sanabituranima is right again. The darkness WILL lift. Things WILL get better. Of this I am 1000% certain.

    Can I say that you made laugh out loud when you said that you won't be doing the show being dead and all... That IS my sense of humor--not that you were trying to be funny. Just I am the queen of black humor and the sicker and darker the better!

    I bet you are one "sick" talent--- I was telling my BFF about you today (after our weekly Saturday ballet/lunch day) and we were laughing because you have such sick feet and I said---How can anyone with perfect feet EVER feel badly? What else is needed but a pair of sickly arched feet? (anyone who is not a dancer will not get that one) AND you have a voice too! not fair. :)

    Sweetie---Sleep deprivation might just be at the bottom of everything (well, duuuuhhhh...) you are currently going through, but that is a symptom of something else. Can I please bitch-slap your peeps of origin??? I really would love to have a crack at knocking some common sense into them. THAT is the support that you are missing and I'm sitting here scratching my head trying to figure that one out. I know they love you; I guess they are just too self-absorbed to notice much else.

    But honey, please know that you are loved and wanted and needed, no matter what.

    Merde for tomorrow!!!

    love and ((((hugs))))


  3. Hi honey. I'm not really sure what to say. I'm sorry you're so low. You're in my thoughts often, even though it's been a while since I last commented.


  4. Good luck on your audition, Bippidee. Maybe having something to do will be a helpful break from just sitting on the couch. But I know how you feel about the hibernating thing. My goodness, if only I was born a bear!


    Wishing you well,

  5. Thank you for all the replies. I really do appreciate the support enormously.

    Lexie, you may call me whatever you like! Yes, I have a rather black sense of humour too. Doesn't go down very well with that many MH professions. Luckily L is right on my wave length, but I have had some vary strange looks from various psychs etc in the past! Yes, bad sleep isn't helping. I always find the worse I feel, the worse my sleep gets, and then obviously that makes me feel even worse. And I seem to be pretty immune to sleeping tablets - probably the result of taking Zopiclone pretty much every night for 4 years....

    Being a bear would be great wouldn't it NOS? Or just some type of electronic equipment or something that has an off switch. Anything that can be turned off or put on standby sounds really good right now.