Saturday, 6 November 2010

Attention seeking and selfish

I am feeling really shit. My mum told my sister that I didn't want to look after my nephew anymore, and as predicted it went down like a lead balloon, and she was apparently furious. My mum said it will cause another big family rift like we had a few years back, and said I should have just kept looking after him however anxious and stressed it made me basically. She then said that my sister had said that when she hears other people (ie people outside the family) talking about me, or sees the things that people wrote in cards to me when I did Carousel, it is like they are talking about another person, and she thinks that the way I behave at home, ie staying in my room most of the time, and saying that things make me anxious etc is purely for effect and not because there is anything wrong. My mum apparently agrees with this analysis, and said something about 'everyone' (ie the family) thinking the same thing. So my entire family apparently think that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I am just attention seeking, selfish, and lazy. I knew my mum would take my sister's side - it was entirely predictable, as she always does. I got really upset when my mum told me that they all think that. I tried to stay calm, but I just couldn't help crying. It is really hurtful that they all think that. She then asked if I was going to go to the fireworks display with her and my dad, that they were going to because that was the one my sister was going to. I said that it didn't sound like I would be very welcome, and she said that I could apologise to my sister, and say that I would look after my nephew when she wanted me to. I said I didn't understand what I would be apologising for - I have looked after my nephew for half a term, despite it meaning having to tell T I couldn't see him twice when I would have liked to, and getting really stressed every week. My mum then went off on one about how I never say sorry, and how I make it into such a big deal, but I don't understand what I should be apologising for. I don't believe you should say sorry unless you are, and I don't know what I have done wrong. Apparently I am selfish and unhelpful because my sister now has to find someone else to look after my nephew on a Thursday. I would have thought that doing it for half a term would have given her plenty of time to find someone else - I did say the very first time that she asked me that I didn't really want to be committed to doing it every week, but that if there were odd occasions that would be fine, but obviously I got dumped with doing it every week anyway. I feel so hurt and upset - partly that my sister said those things about me, even though I knew that was what she thought of me anyway, but more so that my mum agreed with her and backed her up. I don't know what to do with myself. I am so upset, and I feel like my whole family hate me. It just made me want to kill myself even more than I usually do. If they have such a low opinion of me, then I can't think they would even miss me much. I have been feeling really low today, and hearing that has just completely devastated me. My mum didn't even seem to care how upset I was - I suppose she thought I was doing it for effect, and my dad, who usually does support me when there is something going on between my sister and I, didn't even bother coming to see me before they went off to the fireworks. Needless to say I didn't go. For a start I can't stop crying, but also I don't think even a bonfire would have melted the ice between my sister and I. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to overdose so much, but they won't even be out that long so I can't. And now I am sitting here wondering if I am just an attention seeking, selfish bitch like they seem to think I am. I can't cope. I really didn't need this when I have been feeling so terrible. My mum is the person I have always tried to keep going for, and now I am honestly wondering why I bother if she feels like that about me.


  1. *massive hugs* it's ignorance hun. I have those worries about myself, and I'm sure plenty of people think it about me but it's just ignorance. They don't understand.
    They do love you *hugs*

  2. your Mum blatantly has no idea *big hugs* I'm sorry they're being so unreasonable and not understanding you. Please try to keep safe x

  3. Oh Bip (((((((honey)))))))

    I simply cannot believe that your family could be so callous and hurtful towards you. I actually felt sick reading what your sis and mum said to you. Their words are thoroughly inappropriate and unwarranted, in my opinion.

    YOU did not choose to have this child.(your nephew) It is your sister's son and HER responsibility to care for HER child and to provide his care if she cannot, not you. Just because you are her sister doesn't give her the right to unconditionally EXPECT you to take care of HER child each and every Thursday. Even if my sister lived near me, I would never even think of asking such a thing from her. (shudder) You have made it perfectly and reasonably clear that this arrangement no longer suits you and you provided ample time for your sister to make alternative arrangements and yet your sincere and kind request was completely ignored. How infuriating! How totally inconsiderate of you, they are, not to mention rude. You did not say that you would NEVER look after him, just that you don't want to have the responsibility of doing it each and every week. What is THEIR problem?

    When I am in situations with such kinds of irrational behavior, I often find it helpful to write a letter to the said party(ies) and explain my place so that it is clear, being careful to avoid the word "you" and instead using "we" or "I" "my", etc. I would explain that the derogatory comments regarding your medically DIAGNOSED disability are extremely hurtful and damaging, especially coming from your own family and only making your illness that much more difficult to cope with.

    You did not ask to have this disability and you are fighting each and every day for your life. All you want is their support, love and acceptance. right? I'm sure they do love you, but simply don't understand that they are not going about expressing it in a meaningful way.

    Please know that you are a wonderful young woman and very much wanted and loved.



  4. YES. I completely agree that you should not apologize unless you mean it. And if there's no reason to apologize you shouldn't do it.

    Second, I'm sorry your family let you down like that. You deserve a lot better.

    Wishing you well,

  5. Thank you all for the support. It is reassuring to hear people think that I haven't done anything wrong.

    Lexie, your reply made me cry. Thank you for being so understanding and supportive. What you said about him not being my responsibility is what I have said to my mum from the start, but apparently that is selfish. The general opinion is that since I sit around all day at home as I don't work, that I should be happy to do things to help other people, like looking after my nephew. But if I felt well enough to have a weekly commitment of looking after him, then I would consider that I could have a weekly commitment of childminding for money. But I couldn't do that because it would be too much, and so is looking after my nephew. I might try writing a letter, but to be honest I gave up on getting any support or understanding from my sister years ago. It was my mum who really hurt me today.


  6. (((((hugs))))))

    I think the letter sounds like a good idea.. This sounds like something that isn't going to be resolved any time soon, and it would be good for your sister and mum to see how much they have hurt you.

    Hope your ok sweetie xxx

  7. Hi Bip, I'm sorry you're having these complications with your family. I think it's a bit much to expect anyone to look after a young child every Thursday indefinitely, let alone someone with an illness - and a diagnosed one at that! I don't have a large family and in any case I distanced myself from the family I do have because I realised that for the most part people are selfish and don't take the objective step back that might let them understand their demanding and unreasonable ways.
    I also think that ultimately the chances of finding someone who can understand mental states and how they affect you physically as well as mentally are slim. You need to find someone who has been through the shit and either still in it or out the other side to have a full understanding.
    As much as I love my partner I do feel like I do more listening and understanding wit him than he has to do with me, despite me being the one with the mental health problems. If I was to say that to him he'd probably be really upset, and then it would be me looking after him again, despite, as I said before, that I might need looking after a little more.
    I've got a little lost here but what I am trying to say is you're going to have to face the fact that people can be total arseholes at any point, at any time, despite the love and affection you show them, or the favours you do for them, or however distressed you are. It's unfair and shit but sometimes that is just the way it is.
    Don't let it get you down, and to be honest I think you should just bite back at them, not in a letter, but face to face.
    Any time you want to talk, I am here. Please take care X

  8. *hugs* I am so sorry to hear that this has happened. Your family just doesn't understand. Livi is totally right that it is ignorance.

    Your sister is being extremly selfish and doesn't realise it. I am very angry on your behalf. *hugs*