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Saturday, 6 November 2010
Attention seeking and selfish
I am feeling really shit. My mum told my sister that I didn't want to look after my nephew anymore, and as predicted it went down like a lead balloon, and she was apparently furious. My mum said it will cause another big family rift like we had a few years back, and said I should have just kept looking after him however anxious and stressed it made me basically. She then said that my sister had said that when she hears other people (ie people outside the family) talking about me, or sees the things that people wrote in cards to me when I did Carousel, it is like they are talking about another person, and she thinks that the way I behave at home, ie staying in my room most of the time, and saying that things make me anxious etc is purely for effect and not because there is anything wrong. My mum apparently agrees with this analysis, and said something about 'everyone' (ie the family) thinking the same thing. So my entire family apparently think that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I am just attention seeking, selfish, and lazy. I knew my mum would take my sister's side - it was entirely predictable, as she always does. I got really upset when my mum told me that they all think that. I tried to stay calm, but I just couldn't help crying. It is really hurtful that they all think that. She then asked if I was going to go to the fireworks display with her and my dad, that they were going to because that was the one my sister was going to. I said that it didn't sound like I would be very welcome, and she said that I could apologise to my sister, and say that I would look after my nephew when she wanted me to. I said I didn't understand what I would be apologising for - I have looked after my nephew for half a term, despite it meaning having to tell T I couldn't see him twice when I would have liked to, and getting really stressed every week. My mum then went off on one about how I never say sorry, and how I make it into such a big deal, but I don't understand what I should be apologising for. I don't believe you should say sorry unless you are, and I don't know what I have done wrong. Apparently I am selfish and unhelpful because my sister now has to find someone else to look after my nephew on a Thursday. I would have thought that doing it for half a term would have given her plenty of time to find someone else - I did say the very first time that she asked me that I didn't really want to be committed to doing it every week, but that if there were odd occasions that would be fine, but obviously I got dumped with doing it every week anyway. I feel so hurt and upset - partly that my sister said those things about me, even though I knew that was what she thought of me anyway, but more so that my mum agreed with her and backed her up. I don't know what to do with myself. I am so upset, and I feel like my whole family hate me. It just made me want to kill myself even more than I usually do. If they have such a low opinion of me, then I can't think they would even miss me much. I have been feeling really low today, and hearing that has just completely devastated me. My mum didn't even seem to care how upset I was - I suppose she thought I was doing it for effect, and my dad, who usually does support me when there is something going on between my sister and I, didn't even bother coming to see me before they went off to the fireworks. Needless to say I didn't go. For a start I can't stop crying, but also I don't think even a bonfire would have melted the ice between my sister and I. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to overdose so much, but they won't even be out that long so I can't. And now I am sitting here wondering if I am just an attention seeking, selfish bitch like they seem to think I am. I can't cope. I really didn't need this when I have been feeling so terrible. My mum is the person I have always tried to keep going for, and now I am honestly wondering why I bother if she feels like that about me.
I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse.
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