Hopefully today was the last of the bloody freezing days - our oil is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I am really hoping it will come up in the morning so that when I wake up the house won't be freezing. That would be nice. I have an upset tummy today. I have no idea why - I suppose it must be a stomach bug, because there is certainly nothing I have eaten that could have set it off. I am hoping it won't last long, it is slightly unpleasant. Although at least I don't feel ill with it (touch wood).
Everything is still much the same in other respects. I know I am being really childish in not wanting to contact L, but there really are reasons for it. For a start, it seems fairly pointless - there is nothing she can/will do to help, as was proven last week. So what would be the point in calling her? She won't do anything. And I am still feeling really hurt by her not contacting me last week. The last contact I had was an email that I sent to her, and I never got a reply, and neither did she phone. I have lost the trust I had in her. Which is sad, because I really did trust her completely - more than I have ever trusted anyone else at all. But not I just feel like she is like everyone else, and I can't rely on her, and she doesn't actually give a shit about what happens to me. And the longer it goes without her contacting me, the more I feel that. Whilst I do admit that I can be quite typically Borderline in some respects with relationships, in that they do tend to be quite extreme and someone can go from being idealised to nothing sometimes, I am also reasonably good at forgiving, and for example it would probably only take a phone call from her in which she was supportive to make me think she was incredible again. But I am now realising she is unlikely to call before I am next due to see her, as I think she would have done so by now if she was going to. But there is no point in me calling her. I don't want to call her. And I don't want to see her. She is due to be making a home visit this week, which is slightly inconvenient as it makes cancelling more difficult, but I will be phoning the CMHT on Thursday morning if I've not heard from her before then, and saying that I want the appointment cancelled because I don't want to see her. That probably sounds very childish, but if I no longer have any trust in her, or feel like she cares about me, then it is completely pointless seeing her, and would probably just make me really angry and upset.
The suicidal thoughts are still very strong. I am angry that I have fought so fucking hard this last week not to act on them. Well, I suppose in all honesty the vast majority of the time I haven't had the energy to act on them. But I really do wish I was dead. I don't want my parents to have to find me dead, and I don't want to hurt them, and that is what I have been trying to focus on, but I do genuinely believe they would be better off without me, and I also really feel like I can't cope without any support, which is what I have had to do. L saying that it would 'never be alone, it would be with help' was complete bollocks. I have never felt as alone as I have this past week, even when I was seeing people who were really shit and gave me no support at all. Because I didn't expect anything more from them - I knew they were crap and I knew they wouldn't help me. But L. L was different. I did think I could rely on her. I suppose when it comes down to it you can't actually rely on anyone. Even the people who you think that you can trust, and who you think will be there for you, will let you down. And if other people can let me down, then I don't see why I shouldn't let other people down by killing myself, particularly since it would be better off for them in the long run anyway. I spend my whole time at the moment thinking about killing myself. I can't focus on anything else, and I don't care about anything else - nothing matters. I truly believe that suicide is the right, and only, option for me now. I have been fighting this for long enough, and nothing ever improves, and I feel like there is absolutely nobody I can really trust and rely on, and there never will be again - this last week has seen to that. If I can be let down by someone I trusted to that extent, which is so rare for me as it really takes me a long time to trust people, and there has never been anyone else I have felt quite so able to depend upon, then I can be let down by anyone and everyone. I haven't just lost my trust in L - I have lost my trust in everyone. If you don't allow people to get close to you then they can't hurt you. There are just so many reasons why suicide is the correct option. If I weigh up the pros and cons then suicide wins every single time, easily. Not tonight unfortunately - that isn't an option. But the right time will come.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago