Tuesday, 16 November 2010


I am completely exhausted and I have a splitting headache, I think from being so tired and stressed. I haven't weighed myself since Saturday, which is a clear sign of how shit things are, as I never miss a day of weighing myself, let alone 3! I spent all night last night completely confused and desperate and not knowing what to do. I nearly sent an email to L asking to be referred to the crisis team, but in the end I just couldn't do it. I didn't feel able to ask for help, when so much of me really didn't want it. In the end I decided I would call her this morning and try to talk to her again, and possibly ask for a referral then. I tried ringing at 9:15, and was told she was in a meeting, and that they would ask her to call me back, and that she should be out at about 10. At 10:45 I still hadn't heard from her so I tried calling again - that time she was on the phone, and they said they would ask her to call when she got off the phone. She finally called at 1:45, which was 4 and a half hours after I had tried to call. I was feeling really shit by then, and I actually didn't even want to speak to her as it seemed completely pointless. I felt like it was too late to ask to be referred to the crisis team, as I would only want them to visit during the day when my mum was out at work because of the reasons I talked about yesterday, and I knew that if I wasn't referred before midday there was no way they would visit before my mum got home. I was also feeling like seeing them would be pretty pointless - someone turning up or phoning for half an hour a day, and probably patronising me, as that is what they generally do, isn't going to make any difference to how I feel. I was also frustrated it had taken her so long to call back - I know she is busy, but it just made me feel unimportant and like I didn't matter. I nearly didn't answer, but then I decided I should. I kind of wish I hadn't. If anything it made me feel worse. I tried to say how much I was struggling, and how difficult I was finding it to keep going. She said several times about discussing things next week. She said something about how only I could make the decision about what to do, and that she would support me the best she could, but I needed to decide to live and that suicide wasn't an option. I said that I didn't feel able to do that because the thoughts were so strong. She said maybe I needed to try and consider the pros and cons, and I said I had been trying to do that, but suicide won every time. She said something about something being wrong and not working properly if that was happening and that we could talk about it next week. So the general plan seems to be that I should wait a week and a bit until I am next due to see her and discuss everything then. That doesn't feel like an option to me at all. I felt worse after speaking to her than I had before. She is usually so good, but I feel like at the moment she either really isn't grasping how desperate I am feeling, or she is convinced for some reason that I won't act on the thoughts. Calling today was my way of trying to fight, like she had talked about yesterday, because I can't do it on my own, but the phone call today just knocked the fight back out of me. I just have nothing left. I am completely exhausted and feel out of options. L is always the one person I feel that I can turn to and who will support me, and right now I don't feel like I can get enough support from her to see me through this, and I am not quite sure where that leaves me.


  1. that sounds really difficult.

    But you say
    I don't feel like I can get enough support from her to see me through this.

    So you're thinking about getting through this - which is a good thing!
    If you think L can not give you enough support, then accept the crisis team referral... and keep your apointment with L. At least you will have people around you then, plus an appointment/conclusion at the end of it.

    Maybe then with your appointment with L, afer seeing crisis team, you will have a better idea on what is right, and what is working for you.

    If a short stay in hospital is what is needed, then I would welcome the break, the support, and the safety. Things will be different on the other side. It may be better, it may be worse, bt you will not know until you have done it.

    I'm sorry you felt L had let you down a bit. That must be a horrid situation if she is the only one wo you trust right now.

    Don't spend too much time thinking, for risk of talking yourself out of wht you decide (which you will always do if given enough time to ruminate).


  2. I so wish I had something useful to say honey, but I can't think of anything other than the fact that there are truly many people who would miss you if you killed yourself. Honestly. But I know that means damn all when you're in the middle of that, and I'm angry that it doesn't seem like you're being taken seriously. I can only suggest taking some (only a few) Zopiclone and knocking yourself out for a while, then try again with the crisis team tomorrow. But I know it's all easy for me to say.

    Just...thinking of you, and hoping against hope that you'll see some light soon. <3 xxxxx

  3. Thank you for the replies.

    I wasn't thinking in terms of getting through it at all before I saw L yesterday, but when she talked about fighting etc it made me consider it because of the people I care about, which is why I spoke to her again today and considered asking about the crisis team. But if I was going to try and fight it would need to be with a lot more support than I can get right now. And after that phone call I stopped wanting to fight. I have gone back to just wanting to give in to it. She didn't even mention the crisis team, or anything else today. She didn't even say she could call me or anything like she was last week. She just kept saying we could talk about things next week, but that is still 9 days away, and so far off my radar it may as well not exist. I don't think seeing the crisis team would realistically help at all. I would possibly consider hospital, but I don't think it is seen as an option, and there is no way at all that I am asking about it - I don't even know if I could make myself go if it was offered. I have reached the point where I just want to give up. I can't deal with trying to get help any more, and I can't cope with this on my own. I am too exhausted, and I don't actually see the point - ok maybe I could get through this, but for what? It will just come around again. Asking about the crisis team tomorrow is pointless - they can't do anything anyway. I am just so tired.


  4. I'm sorry that happened with L. This doesn't seem like one of her finer moments. You deserve her attention.

    I agree with Pandora-- I think the best thing is to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and maybe reconsider the crisis team. We both clearly care a lot about you.


  5. {{{hugs}}} I have nothing much else to say, but wanted you to know that I am reading and rooting for you...

    Take care,

  6. Its awful when it feels like your desperate and when you reach out to people, they don't get how absolutely terrible you're feeling.

    Take care,
    Cassie x