Tuesday, 16 November 2010
I am completely exhausted and I have a splitting headache, I think from being so tired and stressed. I haven't weighed myself since Saturday, which is a clear sign of how shit things are, as I never miss a day of weighing myself, let alone 3! I spent all night last night completely confused and desperate and not knowing what to do. I nearly sent an email to L asking to be referred to the crisis team, but in the end I just couldn't do it. I didn't feel able to ask for help, when so much of me really didn't want it. In the end I decided I would call her this morning and try to talk to her again, and possibly ask for a referral then. I tried ringing at 9:15, and was told she was in a meeting, and that they would ask her to call me back, and that she should be out at about 10. At 10:45 I still hadn't heard from her so I tried calling again - that time she was on the phone, and they said they would ask her to call when she got off the phone. She finally called at 1:45, which was 4 and a half hours after I had tried to call. I was feeling really shit by then, and I actually didn't even want to speak to her as it seemed completely pointless. I felt like it was too late to ask to be referred to the crisis team, as I would only want them to visit during the day when my mum was out at work because of the reasons I talked about yesterday, and I knew that if I wasn't referred before midday there was no way they would visit before my mum got home. I was also feeling like seeing them would be pretty pointless - someone turning up or phoning for half an hour a day, and probably patronising me, as that is what they generally do, isn't going to make any difference to how I feel. I was also frustrated it had taken her so long to call back - I know she is busy, but it just made me feel unimportant and like I didn't matter. I nearly didn't answer, but then I decided I should. I kind of wish I hadn't. If anything it made me feel worse. I tried to say how much I was struggling, and how difficult I was finding it to keep going. She said several times about discussing things next week. She said something about how only I could make the decision about what to do, and that she would support me the best she could, but I needed to decide to live and that suicide wasn't an option. I said that I didn't feel able to do that because the thoughts were so strong. She said maybe I needed to try and consider the pros and cons, and I said I had been trying to do that, but suicide won every time. She said something about something being wrong and not working properly if that was happening and that we could talk about it next week. So the general plan seems to be that I should wait a week and a bit until I am next due to see her and discuss everything then. That doesn't feel like an option to me at all. I felt worse after speaking to her than I had before. She is usually so good, but I feel like at the moment she either really isn't grasping how desperate I am feeling, or she is convinced for some reason that I won't act on the thoughts. Calling today was my way of trying to fight, like she had talked about yesterday, because I can't do it on my own, but the phone call today just knocked the fight back out of me. I just have nothing left. I am completely exhausted and feel out of options. L is always the one person I feel that I can turn to and who will support me, and right now I don't feel like I can get enough support from her to see me through this, and I am not quite sure where that leaves me.