So an update on what has been going on. After writing my blog yesterday, I contacted L to ask if she had any free slots available for today. She replied saying that she was really sorry she hadn't been more available lately and that she was on a course today, but would see me on Tuesday. After getting that, I decided to send her an email, which I sent last night, explaining how I had been feeling and that I had been very hurt and upset by the lack of contact from her etc. It was hard to write because I didn't want to sound too aggressive or rude or anything, but obviously the nature of what I was saying could have easily made it sound quite accusatory etc, and I didn't want that, but at the same time I felt like it was important that I get across how it had made me feel. She replied and thanked me for being honest and said she could see how I would have felt and why. I won't go into too much detail, because some of it isn't something I want to share here, and actually apart from that there isn't really that much detail to go into - it does sound like she has been incredibly busy, but obviously that isn't really an explanation in itself. She did say that she was sorry and that she understood where I was coming from and that she could see that she hadn't been able to respond in the way that she usually would. But she wants to talk about it properly when I see her on Tuesday, which is fair enough. Whilst obviously I do still feel like I was let down, I am relieved that it wasn't something that I had done wrong to cause the lack of contact, and I think that I know really that it isn't that she doesn't care. I suppose it is complicated, and I will see how it goes when I see her on Tuesday, but I don't feel like I never want to see her again. I think it will take a while for things to get back to how they were, and I don't know yet if they will completely - I suppose time will tell. I do still feel like she let me down and wasn't there when I needed her, but then there always will be times when people let you down, and maybe that is part of life and something I need to learn to deal with. Relationships are tough and complicated and confusing, and I don't think therapeutic relationships are any simpler, and in some ways they are perhaps more complex. So yes, whilst how I feel about what happened hasn't changed, I do feel like the relationship is repairable, and I can continue working with her. I don't know if I will ever be able to regain that complete feeling of trust and being able to rely on her 100%, because obviously I have felt let down by her now, but then that was a rare feeling to have about anyone anyway, and I suppose wasn't really maintainable. I am not over it, I don't feel fine about it all now, and I still feel hurt and disappointed. But at least I have been able to be honest about that with her, and now feel more comfortable with seeing her again. I think if I had seen her yesterday without speaking to her beforehand, I would have just been so upset and hurt and angry that I would have either spent the whole time sobbing whilst trying to say that she had upset me, or I would have completely clammed up and just been totally off hand and awkward, and neither of those would have been helpful. So although I am still upset I didn't get to see her yesterday, as I think I did need to talk, I think under the circumstances perhaps it was best. Of course in retrospect I would have sent her the email that I sent last night a couple of days ago, and we could then have discussed it yesterday, but I don't think I was at a point where I could have done that. I hope that I have a good appointment on Tuesday and we can work things out. I think I need to just try and accept that yes, I feel like she let me down, and perhaps she did, but that people do that sometimes. I am not there yet, probably because I held such an idealised view of her until now, but she is human and she makes mistakes and isn't actually perfect, hard as that is for me to accept.
I am still finding things very difficult. I experience suicidal thoughts to some degree pretty much constantly, but the majority of the time they are just thoughts that I would rather not be alive. Obviously times like this, when I do feel accutely suicidal, and like I am at serious risk of acting on the thoughts are different, and happen less often, but it still isn't a rare occurrence. I think what I have found particularly difficult about this episode is that it has felt different. I can't quite put my finger on how. I think it is partly the way that my head has been shouting at me so much of the time. That isn't something I am used to. Usually they are thoughts, that occasionally become vocalised in my head, but most of the time they are just thoughts. This time has been different - it has been very noisy. Not just about suicide, although that is the most pressing thing. It just constantly tells me how horrible and awful I am and how I need to kill myself and how much better everyone would be without me and then when I am around people it is like they are all looking at me and thinking how pathetic and useless I am. I am not hearing voices - I am certain that it is just part of my brain - the part that hates me, talking to me. I am just used to it thinking, not talking, and so it is a bit disconcerting. The spider thing from last week also freaked me out. I don't know. I can't explain why this feels different, I just know it does, and I don't like that. Whilst the suicidal thoughts are hideous, and very difficult to cope with, I am used to them - I have had lots of other episodes where I have had very strong suicidal thoughts, and more times than not I have managed to get through them without acting on them. But I am finding it really hard having these thoughts constantly vocalised - it makes them more unrelenting. And just generally things feel different. I don't feel like me.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago