I am really feeling shit still. I have been trying to decide whether or not to ask L to make the crisis team referral that she offered. My head is screaming no - they won't do anything, due to being useless morons, and they will quite possibly make things worse if past experiences are anything to go by, by a) demanding I give them any tablets I have, which is absolutely not going to happen under any circumstances, and b) breaking confidentiality and telling my mum I am suicidal, and possibly that I have tablets. Both of those things would make everything worse. I need those tablets, and there is no way in hell I am giving them up. There is also the fact that my head is telling me that seeing the crisis team is a ridiculous idea and I would be far better off killing myself. But L did wake up a tiny part of me this morning that feels obliged to fight, on behalf of the people that care about me. But I am too exhausted to do that alone, and therefore the crisis team are the only option I have basically. But if they do a) or b) from above, then it would make me feel even worse, and I would be likely to end up doing something impulsive. So I am trying to decide what to do. I just feel too confused to make decisions, or be responsible for myself, or anything else that seems to be expected of me. And feeling like that just gives my head more ammunition to throw at me regarding why suicide is the best (only) option. My gut reaction is that the crisis team are likely to make things worse rather than better, but if I want to try and fight this at all, then they are basically my only option. And I hate that. I just want to curl up and die.
My sister is spectacularly immature. I noticed earlier that she has removed me as a friend on Facebook, presumably because she hates me due to me not wanting to look after her son every Thursday. This is a 41 year old mother of 2 - surely defriending someone on Facebook is the sort of thing that young teenagers do when they have a fight?! At least it really does prove what she thinks of me. Although naturally this gave my head even more ammunition - it started saying that my sister wouldn't care if I killed myself (probably true actually), and that it would be easier for my mum because she is clearly stressed by what has happened between us, and my sister is always resentful of me when talking to my mum, and if I wasn't here she would get more attention and so be happier, and my mum wouldn't feel like she was stuck in between us etc. It is just constant. I just can't calm my head down at all - it feels scarily out of control.
Still trying to decide what to do about the crisis team..... Except I can't make any fucking decisions because my head is too all over the place. I can't cope with this. I need my brain to somehow clear, and it just won't.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago