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Monday, 22 November 2010

Draining

Today has been tiring again. I slept all morning. Woke up and the house was bloody freezing. The lounge is the only room with any heat at all, as we have had the wood burner alight, but the rest of the house is really cold, and even the lounge isn't very warm. Hate the cold. Really hope the oil arrives soon.

London was ok. Going in the car and just going straight to the theatre and then back again made it less stressful I think, because it wasn't like I had to negotiate public transport or lots of crowds or anything so it wasn't really like being in London. I did find it difficult, becuase I find it so hard at the moment to keep up a facade all of the time when I am feeling so awful. It is really tiring. I sat watching the cabaret that we had gone to see, but I couldn't focus on it at all - I just kept thinking about suicide and dying, and planning things in my head.

The suicidal thoughts aren't getting any weaker at all. It is so draining. A couple of people have suggested I contact L, but I really don't want to do that. I feel like for there to be any chance of me going back to trusting her the way that I used to I need to wait for her to contact me. She knows how bad things are, and either she contacts me, or she doesn't. And either way that will tell me something. If I contact her then I will never know what would have happened if I had just left it. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by her not contacting me last week when she knew how desperate I was feeling, and I am really quite confused about the whole thing. I feel like I have done something wrong and that is why she didn't call me, or like she must be fed up with me and therefore not actually care whether I live or die. And that is difficult because I trusted her so completely. I don't know what to think any more. Even if she did contact me over the next few days I am not sure how I would feel about it. I just feel really let down. And I still feel so suicidal. I just don't want to exist any more. I really do hate the thought of hurting people, but I also feel completely unable to cope like this.

8 comments:

  1. I don't think she *does* know how bad things are.

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  2. (((Bippi)))

    You have definitely not done something wrong. It is more than likely that she has something going on in her life. I have had so many times, where I've failed to give some of my clients the attention that they deserved and had to back-slide to make it up.

    And she also might've just figured that if you needed her, that YOU would call. It is alright to call her and to tell her that you had hoped that she would call and that you are still feeling horrible.

    xoxo

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  3. I don't know how she can fail to know - I couldn't have put it any more bluntly, either in what I had written, or when I saw her, or when I then emailed asking for the crisis team referral and my subsequent reply when she said no. There is no way I could have said it more clearly.

    I can see she may have thought I would call if I needed her, but in that case why did she say what she did about her being able to call daily etc? The last email I sent (the reply to the crisis team refusal) really did say very clearly how desperate I was and how suicidal I was feeling and how I couldn't cope, and she didn't reply, and she didn't call. I am not calling her. I need to know if she would ever bother calling or not.

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  4. Thats disgracefull and definitely wrong. That is her JOB to know how you are and to help you when you need the help. It's all a complete FAIL in my book. She needs to wake up and get you the help you need and deserve. This is NOT your doing! You have clearly done absolutely everything you can to get her to see how your feeling and in my opinion she is choosing to look the other way for whatever reason. I don't care the reason. This is a crisis for you and therefore it should be for her too.
    I am angry about this. They wonder why we hurt ourselves?????? THIS is why,... Because we get ignored and that makes us feel unworthy. Then we feel unloved, unwanted and uncared about,...
    But just remember that you have your twitter/blog community that cares about you. We will support you the best we can.
    (( hugs ))

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  5. Sweetie,

    She is not your mother. She is a trained professional therapist who's job it is to care for you, including follow up calls when necessary. That she has not, followed through, when you are in crisis, is outrageous! I realize that its also a very personal relationship, but her not calling you is negligence, on her part. You are her client and therefore, by definition, she cares for you--- as a person under her care. If she can't do her job and provide the care that you need, then FIRE HER ASS, and find someone else who can.

    This just isn't right. Please, at least call her tomorrow and its okay to let her know that you are very upset that you haven't heard back from her. she has some splainin' to do!

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  6. You haven't done anything wrong. L has done something wrong. She really invalidated your feelings last week and it clearly still hurts you. I don't blame you for being upset with her.

    But that being said, sacrificing your life to punish L is not a good idea. Call her if you need to. It's not worth it to find out what she would do if you didn't call. (And if you're dead you'll never find out.)

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  7. Hey sweeetie,
    playing games with your therapist on who contacts the other first isn't the... i guess "right" thing to do. I can understand the pride issues, trust me. For me to even admit to my therapist I care- I start crying. And I don't cry. The suicidal thoughts...I'm there with you to be 100% honest as well...

    hang in there. we can do this.
    -Lisa

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  8. Hang on in there sweet :)
    I know it's hard and beyond hell I can understand your mindset.. testing people like that is hard, when the risks are this big.
    I say 'talk to her and find a way of getting her to help you, because I'm not sure she does realise how bad things are' even though it's hypocritical of me.
    Good Luck babe.
    Steph x

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