Today has been tiring again. I slept all morning. Woke up and the house was bloody freezing. The lounge is the only room with any heat at all, as we have had the wood burner alight, but the rest of the house is really cold, and even the lounge isn't very warm. Hate the cold. Really hope the oil arrives soon.
London was ok. Going in the car and just going straight to the theatre and then back again made it less stressful I think, because it wasn't like I had to negotiate public transport or lots of crowds or anything so it wasn't really like being in London. I did find it difficult, becuase I find it so hard at the moment to keep up a facade all of the time when I am feeling so awful. It is really tiring. I sat watching the cabaret that we had gone to see, but I couldn't focus on it at all - I just kept thinking about suicide and dying, and planning things in my head.
The suicidal thoughts aren't getting any weaker at all. It is so draining. A couple of people have suggested I contact L, but I really don't want to do that. I feel like for there to be any chance of me going back to trusting her the way that I used to I need to wait for her to contact me. She knows how bad things are, and either she contacts me, or she doesn't. And either way that will tell me something. If I contact her then I will never know what would have happened if I had just left it. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by her not contacting me last week when she knew how desperate I was feeling, and I am really quite confused about the whole thing. I feel like I have done something wrong and that is why she didn't call me, or like she must be fed up with me and therefore not actually care whether I live or die. And that is difficult because I trusted her so completely. I don't know what to think any more. Even if she did contact me over the next few days I am not sure how I would feel about it. I just feel really let down. And I still feel so suicidal. I just don't want to exist any more. I really do hate the thought of hurting people, but I also feel completely unable to cope like this.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago