Thursday, 11 November 2010

Suicidal thoughts

I am still feeling shit. When I weighed tonight it was exactly the same as last night, which means my weight will be pretty much the same tomorrow as it was today, which is a pound higher than yesterday as predicted.

The suicidal thoughts are strong. I am feeling quite angry and upset because as I mentioned, I did have a plan formulating in my head, which was going to happen Sunday night/Monday, but my mum has had to switch her morning off next week to Monday instead of Tuesday, so that isn't going to work. And that made me feel really hopeless. It is just one of those things I guess, but I don't like it when I have to change something that was worked out in my head. I feel like there should be something that would make me want to stay alive, but there isn't. It all seems utterly pointless. But for now I just have to keep pretending everything is ok. Put on a happy face. There's a song called Put On A Happy Face in Bye Bye Birdie. I am trying to carry on with life as I would be if I wasn't feeling like this. Maybe it will distract me a bit. Tonight I went to ballet and then went and did an audition. Kind of funny really. I have no intention whatsoever of being alive when the show is on, but I had said last week that I was going to audition, and so didn't want to raise suspicions by not going.

I just don’t want to be here. At all. I’ve had enough. Of everything. I can’t cope with feeling like this, and I can’t imagine things ever changing. 7 years now, and I am no better at all. In fact in many ways I am worse. Maybe things would get better one day, although I’ve no idea how, but I see no point whatsoever in waiting around for that time to come. If it ever would, which I do seriously doubt. I just need everything to stop now. I can’t think properly. My brain feels like it has been replaced by cotton wool. I feel so incredibly flat. I don’t think there is anything at all that could make me feel happy or excited. I should already be excited – in 3 and a half weeks I am due to sing in a concert that is really quite a big deal - certainly the biggest thing I've ever done. Someone asked me the other day if I was excited or nervous about it, and I just thought I don’t actually feel anything at all. Nothing. Which ironically is the song I am supposed to be singing. ‘And I said “Nothing. I’m feeling nothing”’ is one of the lines in the song. And I’m not. Although I didn't tell them that. If I had been told 6 months ago that I would have this opportunity it would have meant the world to me. And now I can’t even face staying alive long enough to do it. Which is kind of sad really. It should be something worth staying alive for, even if I was going to kill myself after. But I just don’t care about anything right now. All I know is I feel awful, nothing matters to me, and I want to make life stop.

I spoke to L earlier. Not for long. I emailed her last night after my freak out asking if she could call me if she got time today, and she did, but she wasn't able to talk for very long. But she has said she will call again tomorrow. At 1. I am very lucky to have such a supportive CPN. I would never have lasted this long without her. I will talk to her again tomorrow. I know she won't be able to take the feelings away, but it does help to talk to her. And she is the only person that I can be completely honest with, about everything. I have never trusted anyone to the extent I do her - I do feel that I can tell her pretty much anything and everything. So I will talk to her about how I am feeling. Maybe it will help a bit.


  1. Oh (((((((Bippidee))))))-- Could some meds help maybe? Or are you afraid of them screwing with your weight? I understand, but I don't think the depression is about the weight, so much. Its all the other shit.

    What if you told yourself that no matter how sucky you feel, that suicide is not an option?

    I really don't think I could handle it if you hurt yourself. That probably sounds crazy since I just met you a couple weeks ago, but I'm already quite fond of you. You're not alone sweetie.



  2. *hugs* I hope you can find a reason to keep going. Remember that this will not last forever.

  3. My psych seems to have issues with giving me meds. I have to admit that weight gain would be a concern, and therefore there would be meds that I wouldn't even try because of that, but there have also been a couple of times when I have said that although meds didn't seem to make a significant difference (which is why I was taken off them) I think perhaps it would be worth trying them again, and L has agreed with me, but the psych very much seems to be of the mentality that you do not give medication to people with a PD diagnosis. I have PRN Diazepam, because I point blank refused to have that stopped, but that is literally the only med I have now.

    I'm afraid I can't see suicide as not being an option. I really don't want to hurt people, so I do try to keep going, but sometimes it just feels impossible, and now is starting to feel like one of those times. I don't know. I'll see if L suggests anything when I speak to her tomorrow. And whilst I know in theory it can't last forever, it seems to. Admittedly not at this intensity, that comes and goes, but I do always feel bad, always experience thoughts about not wanting to be alive, and just generally find that I don't have good times to outweigh the bad. And I don't know how that can change - it has been going on like that for a long time now.

    Thank you both for the support. I do appreciate it. I am going to try and sleep now as it is 5am. xx

  4. (((( hugs )))) i know it probably dpesnt seem like it sometimes, but there are alot of people who care about you Bipp, including me!
    Keep your options open mate.
    Good night

  5. I know there isn't much I can say but I'm thinking of you and hoping that you can get through this.

    Take care.

  6. *****hugggsss******

    i'm sorry to read you're really struggling at the moment hun. I'm glad you have L there to support you.

    Have you tried talking to your Mum at all? Not necessarily about this, but about your arguement and such... maybe if you can resolve it a little bit it might relieve some stress/tension?

    Are you being completley honest with L about how you feel? I mean, does she know you're formulating plans?
    I think if you're happy to try medicaton and nothing else is working for you at the moment then there is no reason why your psych shouldnt prescribe them? Maybe if you agree it'll be for a set time period or something?

    I hope you find some strength soon. You're a wonderful person - dont forget that.


  7. Thinking of you hon. Keep reaching out. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon (((hugs))).

    Res x

  8. **hugs** I'm sorry you feel so low :(

  9. Bippidee, it's clear that your readers care a lot about you-- just look at these comments. I care a lot too. I'm glad you have decided to talk to L. It's great that you have her. It sounds like she is a really good thing in your life.

    Wishing you well,

  10. Sorry for the delay in replying. I just wanted to thank all of you so much for your support. It really means a lot to me.

    Part Of Being Sane - I've not talked to my mum. I am not really in a position where I feel able to at the moment - I think she is quite upset about the rift between me and my sister, and will still be seeing it as my fault. L does know everything, as I have explained in my most recent post. I doubt I would even be able to get an appointment to see my psych for weeks, and even if she would prescribe something, meds take weeks to kick in (if they do anything at all) and that all feels very long term right now - far more long term than I can consider with how I am feeling.