I am still feeling shit. When I weighed tonight it was exactly the same as last night, which means my weight will be pretty much the same tomorrow as it was today, which is a pound higher than yesterday as predicted.
The suicidal thoughts are strong. I am feeling quite angry and upset because as I mentioned, I did have a plan formulating in my head, which was going to happen Sunday night/Monday, but my mum has had to switch her morning off next week to Monday instead of Tuesday, so that isn't going to work. And that made me feel really hopeless. It is just one of those things I guess, but I don't like it when I have to change something that was worked out in my head. I feel like there should be something that would make me want to stay alive, but there isn't. It all seems utterly pointless. But for now I just have to keep pretending everything is ok. Put on a happy face. There's a song called Put On A Happy Face in Bye Bye Birdie. I am trying to carry on with life as I would be if I wasn't feeling like this. Maybe it will distract me a bit. Tonight I went to ballet and then went and did an audition. Kind of funny really. I have no intention whatsoever of being alive when the show is on, but I had said last week that I was going to audition, and so didn't want to raise suspicions by not going.
I just don’t want to be here. At all. I’ve had enough. Of everything. I can’t cope with feeling like this, and I can’t imagine things ever changing. 7 years now, and I am no better at all. In fact in many ways I am worse. Maybe things would get better one day, although I’ve no idea how, but I see no point whatsoever in waiting around for that time to come. If it ever would, which I do seriously doubt. I just need everything to stop now. I can’t think properly. My brain feels like it has been replaced by cotton wool. I feel so incredibly flat. I don’t think there is anything at all that could make me feel happy or excited. I should already be excited – in 3 and a half weeks I am due to sing in a concert that is really quite a big deal - certainly the biggest thing I've ever done. Someone asked me the other day if I was excited or nervous about it, and I just thought I don’t actually feel anything at all. Nothing. Which ironically is the song I am supposed to be singing. ‘And I said “Nothing. I’m feeling nothing”’ is one of the lines in the song. And I’m not. Although I didn't tell them that. If I had been told 6 months ago that I would have this opportunity it would have meant the world to me. And now I can’t even face staying alive long enough to do it. Which is kind of sad really. It should be something worth staying alive for, even if I was going to kill myself after. But I just don’t care about anything right now. All I know is I feel awful, nothing matters to me, and I want to make life stop.
I spoke to L earlier. Not for long. I emailed her last night after my freak out asking if she could call me if she got time today, and she did, but she wasn't able to talk for very long. But she has said she will call again tomorrow. At 1. I am very lucky to have such a supportive CPN. I would never have lasted this long without her. I will talk to her again tomorrow. I know she won't be able to take the feelings away, but it does help to talk to her. And she is the only person that I can be completely honest with, about everything. I have never trusted anyone to the extent I do her - I do feel that I can tell her pretty much anything and everything. So I will talk to her about how I am feeling. Maybe it will help a bit.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago