Monday, 15 November 2010
I am really struggling. I saw L this morning. I found it really difficult to talk because my brain just felt so fixated on suicide. I was trying to listen and reply, but my head was just screaming at me non stop and I couldn't concentrate. I told her how bad I was feeling, and how difficult I was finding things, and how strong the suicidal thoughts are, although she probably would have been able to guess most of that by my inability to form a full sentence. I really don't know what to do. She did say referring me to the crisis team was an option, but that it was up to me, and she really didn't know whether it would be helpful or not, and whether there would be anything they could do to help keep me safe. I don't know. The crisis team tend to be completely shit in my experience, and most other people's it seems, plus they always have an obsession with talking to my parents about what is going on, and I find that very unhelpful - my parents knowing makes me feel worse rather than better, and there is nothing they can do to help, so it seems pointless telling them. So I don't know. I don't know if it would help, or make things worse. She talked about me needing to decide whether to fight the suicidal thoughts or give in to them, and that nobody could do that for me. I know that is true, and I understand what she was saying, but I just don't know how to fight them when they are so overwhelmingly strong and I have so little energy. And I don't even know that I want to. I just don't want to be here. She did say at one point that maybe she had been wrong and I needed hospital and medication, and that would make a difference, but I suppose that is what the crisis team would decide if I saw them. She also pointed out that the only way anyone could actually be kept safe and stopped from killing themselves would be by locking them in a padded cell is a straitjacket, which is a fair point. I think L has far more belief in my ability to cope and get through things than I ever do. I feel like it is completely impossible, but she always believes that I can do it. I honestly don't know what to do right now. My head is just constantly screaming at me at the moment, and I feel too exhausted to fight it, even if I wanted to. And I don't know if I do want to. Dying feels like a much better option. I just feel so confused and exhausted and desperate and terrible, and I really have absolutely no idea what to do.