Collapsed brain

I am really determined to get an earlier night tonight. It was 7am again last night/this morning, and I just find that so hideous. I hate being awake still when I hear my parents getting up. If I lived on my own I don't think I would care, but I just hate hearing other people getting up when I haven't been to sleep yet. So I am really hoping for an earlier night tonight.

I got through rehearsal ok. I had to go at 6:30 to work on my songs for an hour with the Musical Director. That was ok. He seemed happy enough, although he is very precise about what he wants, so is quite hard to please. And seems to think that I have lungs of steel and can hold a note for far longer than I actually can. But he seemed pleased. Although it was slightly embarrassing, as I have a tendency to not warm up very thoroughly before rehearsals - on Mondays I literally don't get a chance to as I go straight from ballet, and on Wednesdays I tend to do maybe 5 or 10 minutes, which is totally inadequate. Tonight I had probably warmed up for about 20 minutes, which is still fairly pathetic, but an improvement on usual, and he asked if I had just come from a singing lesson or had been warming up properly as it sounded much better than usual. Note to self: warm up properly - people can tell the difference unfortunately. I have got very lazy vocally - I haven't had a proper singing lesson since the summer, and I don't sing every day, which I really should be doing, and then I expect to be able to go into a rehearsal, without warming up properly, and sing four solos, a duet, and solo lines in a couple of other songs, plus ensemble singing. Doesn't work. It isn't fair on my voice. After that I spent an hour and a quarter getting increasingly fed up and desperate to get home, as I was just sitting around, as they were working on a number I am not in. Then finally they started work on the number we were scheduled to rehearse tonight, which is a big ensemble number, lead by me and three others, which has a big tap break in the middle. The tap is very fast - not difficult steps, but very fast, and with some tricky rhythms, which makes it difficult. Unfortunately I have already forgotten one section, which is indicative of my current inability to concentrate and retain information, as usually I just have to do a dance a couple of times and it is ingrained in my head, but I just can't remember some of it at all. I now have no rehearsals for a week and a half, which is the most enormous relief. It is half term next week, and as the MD is a music teacher, and the Director/Choreographer is a dance teacher, they both have the week off work, and so are going away (they are a couple), which means no rehearsals until Sunday 27th. I also don't have ballet next week for the same reason, so I basically have no commitments at all for the next week and a half, and that just feels so good. Although at the same time, it does make me feel more unsafe. When I have commitments, like rehearsals that I know I can't miss as it would mess things up for the rest of the cast, it makes me feel obliged to keep going however shit I feel, whereas now I am free from that, which makes the suicidal thoughts even stronger. Of course I realise it would be difficult for them after that week and a half if I were dead, but I can't think that far ahead, and all I can think at the moment is that I have no commitments at the moment, my mum's birthday is out of the way, and so there is nothing to stop me acting on my thoughts. To be honest I am feeling quite unsafe.

I tried to phone my GP earlier. I didn't have a clue what I would say to her. Saying 'I don't trust you because you have been taken over by them and now you have taken over my mum, but I need help' seemed somewhat inappropriate, but is the truth. I don't trust her any more - I don't trust anyone. But I am desperate, particularly as I knew I have been feeling increasingly unsafe. So I didn't really know what to do. In the end I did ring, at about 12:30, and the receptionist said they would get her to call me back as she was with a patient. She didn't ring all afternoon, and I know that she has afternoon surgery from 4 - 6, so I knew that if she did call me back it would be after that. I had left my mobile number as usual, but I had to leave for rehearsal at 6, and was rehearsing alone with the MD until nearly 7:30, so couldn't have taken any calls in that time even if she had rung. My GP tends to phone at strange times - I have had a call from her at 8:15pm before, so I kept my phone on vibrate in my pocket, so that I could answer it if she did ring, but I didn't hear anything. When I got home my dad said she had rung at 7:30 - I don't know why she had called the landline rather than my mobile, but obviously it meant I couldn't speak to her. That doesn't really feel like a bad thing - I didn't know what I could say anyway. I just feel like I need help from somewhere, and I would prefer to speak to her than whoever happened to be on duty at the CMHT. L is in work tomorrow, so I have sent an email asking if she could phone me. Again, I feel very unsure about what I can say, as I am still feeling really mistrustful of all professionals, and I know she can't change how I feel or what I am planning to do, but I just really need to talk to someone I know, and whom I have trusted in the past, even if I don't at the moment. It probably won't help or make any difference, but at least I will have tried. I really have absolutely no idea what I can say to her. I don't even know what I am scared of. I just don't trust anyone at the moment. I do wonder whether there is any point trying to get help. I have done that, it didn't work. Maybe I should just learn from that and not try and get help - just get on with it. But when I feel very suicidal and unsafe I just get this frustrating part of me that nags me to talk to someone, even if I know it will make no difference. I suppose knowing it will make no difference is why it feels safe to do so. I know nobody can stop me from acting on my thoughts if that is what I choose to do, or at least L wouldn't anyway, so despite feeling like she has been taken over and is against me, I know she wouldn't make me do something I wasn't happy with, like insisting I go to A&E, or having me assessed or anything like that, and my mum already knows so it isn't like she can threaten to speak to her. That's one of the reasons I couldn't call the CMHT whilst she was away - there was the possibility of fuckwit ex-care coordinator being on duty, and if he knew I was feeling like this then he would insist I went to A&E, or have me assessed under the MHA, and I am not having either of those things happen. But I still trust L not to do that, and I don't believe my trust in that respect is misplaced, because I know hospital is the last thing she wants for me. I feel confused. I don't know what to say to her if she calls. I don't know what I can tell her. I don't trust her because I know she is on their side, but she is also my only option. And she can't stop me. Suicide feels so appealing. It is like it is beckoning to me. I just feel like such a mess at the moment. I am beyond confused. My brain just feels like it has collapsed.

Weather and Christmas

Lots of pretty snow. It started snowing yesterday afternoon and snowed all afternoon and evening, so we ended up with a good 6 inches of snow, which is the first proper snowfall we have had this winter - when everyone else had shit loads a few weeks ago we just had a tiny covering. Very pretty. Not so great from the practical point of view.

Firstly, our poor Christmas tree, which was supposed to be put up this weekend, was standing outside when it started snowing, and so got covered with 6 inches of snow, along with everything else. Therefore it couldn't come inside, or the snow would have then melted and flooded the lounge, which would have been somewhat inconvenient. Then there is the added problem that it needs potting, which involves needing soil, and the ground being a) frozen solid, rock hard, inpenetrable, and b) also being covered with 6 inches of snow. Not entirely sure what the plan is. Can shake most of the snow off the tree, but it doesn't help the problem of having nothing to plant it in of course.

I had a carol concert tonight. I wasn't sure if we would be able to get there or not. The roads had been gritted, but unsurprisingly grit isn't terribly effective on top of lots of snow - I think they are meant to put it down before it starts snowing, or when there is a tiny bit, rather than when it has finished snowing and it is laying thick everywhere. So the roads are a nightmare. In the end we decided to go, but had to drive very slowly the whole way, and there was a bit of skidding at times. The concert was fine. The majority of both the band and choir had managed to make it, which was pretty impressive given how many of us live in the middle of nowhere, with terrible roads, and therefore had a nightmare getting there, although one person did point out that we must all be completely mad to have bothered. My sister is still doing a wonderful job of ignoring me - in a way it is quite impressive that we could both sing Soprano in the same choir, and her not speak to me at all during rehearsals or the concert. I have made some effort several times, but she certainly is not reciprocating, so there is very little I can do about it. I just find it quite astounding how immature she can be.

Audience numbers at the concert were down on other years, which was to be expected, but there were still probably 250 people or so I would guesstimate, so not bad given the conditions. Carols were fine - sore throat and snotty nose weren't really helping, but it was fine - the throat is getting better, and although I obviously could have sung better I think it was fine. And nobody would have known if it wasn't actually - the joys of singing in a choir rather than as a soloist! It was bloody freezing though. A blouse and skirt just are not very warm, and the church wasn't very warm, I suppose because there was about half the number of people there would usually be, so I felt like a snowman by the end of it. Then had the fun of the journey home again.

We were supposed to be going Christmas shopping tomorrow but I think realistically that isn't going to happen - it is a good 45 minute drive to where we were going, which would take much longer with the roads as they are, and it isn't meant to get above -3, and is supposed to be foggy too, so I think it would just be dangerous to try and travel that far. We will go on Tuesday or Wednesday, although Tuesday could be difficult because I am seeing L at 11, and I think after that would be getting a bit late to go off shopping, so it will probably have to be Wedneday. Which is leaving it a little close for comfort, but never mind! The weather is so frustrating - I wish it had stayed dry this week, and then just snowed loads on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - that would have been so pretty, and wouldn't have caused any inconvenience. We could have just made a snowman. As it is I think it is going to melt before then and we will just end up with nasty slush everywhere. Yuck. Wrong timing by 1 week unfortunately.

I am not feeling too stressed about Christmas, but I am about New Year. I am trying not to think about it, because I get really upset and panicky when I do. I just absolutely do not want it to happen at all, under any circumstances. I just don't. I really feel at the moment like I can't cope with it. It is just too overwhelming and stressful. As soon as I hear the words or think about it at all, I get this sudden mad rush of totally overwhelming thoughts. I genuinely have absolutely no idea how I will get through it right now - I might try and knock myself out early in the night and just sleep through it, but then I will still have to wake up and it will be 2011, and that is just so unbelievably shit. I need to freeze time or rewind time or erase myself or something. Very anxious, very stressed, very desperate.

Still here

So I am staying put until further notice, but am in the process of moving. Deciding on a name is surprisingly difficult. Obviously I have become known in the blogosphere as Bippidee, but I feel like I am going to need to change that even if I do move to WP, which is the current plan. Unfortunately, the only other name I have thought of so far has a rather unfortunate shortening, which is what I would end up being called all the time. Hmph. When I do move I will make sure that anyone who wants to follow me to the new blog can do so.

So what with all the posts about my childhood, and then the identity crisis yesterday I seem to have been neglecting day to day stuff somewhat. I am not sure how I have been doing. I am, without a doubt, better than I was a few weeks ago, but naturally I am still not feeling great. I am slightly confused by my sleep lately. I have always needed about 10 hours sleep ideally, to wake up and not feel tired and stay reasonably alert the whole day. I used to end up napping every afternoon, virtually without fail, even if I had slept ok the night before, but definitely if I had got less than 8 hours sleep.  But there have been several days lately when I have only had a few hours, and yet after the inital pain of dragging myself out of bed, have been surprisingly alert all day, and still not been able to sleep that night. Thursday was an example of this. I only got 4 hours sleep, which is nowhere near enough for me, and yet I stayed awake all day, no naps, was pretty awake and alert, and still couldn't get to sleep before 5am. There is surely something wrong with that? I should have been exhausted and been able to get an early night, but I didn't get to sleep any earlier than I would have if I hadn't woken up until the afternoon, and had 9 hours sleep. I was out for a lot of the day too, which should have made me even more tired. And I never nap anymore. I am always tired, but my ability to sleep properly seems to have disappeared.

I am singing in a carol concert on Sunday, just as part of the choir. Well, it is just the choir and silver band. I realised at the rehearsal tonight that I don't have a bloody clue how the descant goes for While Shepherd Watched, which is slightly problematic, and I have no idea how that happened. I have sung in so many carol concerts/services, and I know all of the descants really well, but I actually don't think I have ever sung that one before, but I don't see how that could be possible when I have sung in carol concerts for 12 years. Although the audience can never hear the descants properly anyway, as by the time you have a full choir, organ, silver band, and all the congregation singing, I think the descant gets somewhat lost. Someone had the bloody brilliant idea of making Twelve Days of Christmas a song that everyone sings, ie audience too. I have no idea what they were thinking. The arrangement that we use is very much a choir version - all the voice types sing different days etc, and the tempo changes loads - at one point it gets really fast, and one of the other sopranos pointed out that there is no bloody way they will keep up with that, and it will end up sounding like we are singing it in a round. Bloody ridiculous idea. I always get bored of that song after about 5 days anyway - I am sure the other 7 are unnecessary. Or we could just start with 12 rather than 1? The Hallelujah Chorus goes on rather as well, although I probably shouldn't say that. And I can never sing For Unto Us properly. I cheat. I can do it slowly, but then when it gets up to speed I just can't fit all those notes in. I am not really a classical singer, I am a musical theatre singer - The Messiah is a bit much for me really!

Christmas. Hmmm. I still have shopping to do. I have actually done most of it online, but I need to go to the shops to buy things for my mum - the things I wanted to get for her weren't things I particularly wanted to buy online. And then I need to get something for one of my nephews, but I know what and where to get it, and something small for one of my nieces to go with things I have already got for her, and a few boxes of chocolates for various people, and then I will be finished. I have stopped buying for siblings, since they all have children now, so I just buy for the children, although I haven't bought for my eldest nephew this year for the first time, because he is 19, works full time, and has far more disposable income than I do, but has never bought for me, despite me buying for him every year. It is a bit weird, because I am his aunt, but he is only 5 years younger than me. So I have always bought him presents because he is my nephew, but it is kind of weird because he is so close to me in age, and now that he is working full time and I am on benefits it just seems a bit ridiculous to be spending money on him really. So that just leaves his younger brother, my sister's 2 boys, and my brother's daughter, and step daughter and step son. And my parents of course. If I get time/inclination I might try and make some fudge or something for siblings and their partners, but it was getting too expensive buying for all of them and all of the children - even just with my parents and nephews/nieces I had 8 people to buy for, and it would have been 9 if I had bought for eldest nephew. Oh, and I buy something for my dog.... I wouldn't actually mind buying for my sisters in law - they are both easy to buy for, and I quite like buying presents for people who are easy to buy for, but my sister (who still isn't speaking to me) is a nightmare to buy for, and so are my brothers and brother in law. I haven't started my wrapping yet. Wrapping takes me forever. I am a real perfectionist with my wrapping - I will take ages deciding which paper to use, and which ribbon and label to put with it etc, and then ages making it look pretty. Takes bloody hours, particularly given that I also always have to wrap everything that my dad buys for my mum, a) because he doesn't have time, b) because he can't be bothered, and c) because he doesn't make it look pretty - he just wraps with paper, and my mum really loves prettily wrapped presents with bows and ribbons and things. So I have to do it for him. I tend to get all my presents and find cheesy Christmas films on TV and wrap it all whilst watching them.

We went and bought our Christmas Tree on Tuesday. It isn't really what I wanted - it is a bit small. But the place we went to weren't going to be getting any more in, and it was a nicer shape than the bigger ones. We then tried a couple more places, but one didn't have any, and the other only had 3 left, and 1 was enormous, and 2 were tiny, so we just went back and got the first one. We will put it up this weekend. We will stand it on a box. That will make it look bigger, and keep it out of reach of the animals, which is always a bonus. My old cat will love us putting the tree up. It is his favourite day of the year. He gets ridiculously excited and starts playing with tinsel and baubles etc like a little kitten, despite now being 15. The other cat never plays. The dog will be excited, but the dog is always excited. I don't buy presents for the cats, but I always buy for him, because he will unwrap them himself and it makes me laugh to watch him. I am trying to think about the positive things about Christmas rather than the things I find stressful, although it is hard. New Year will be worse, because it always is. I hate New Year so much. It makes me feel like such a failure, and I find it incredibly difficult to get through without resorting to self harming behaviours. I tend to end up in a complete state crying hysterically and saying that I want to die. Which I do, but I can usually keep it hidden, but for some reason I just completely break down on New Year's Eve. I am already dreading it.

Performing

There are a lot of negatives about performing. How competitive it is. How bitchy people can be. How you are constantly being judged. The rejection. The comparisons. Lots of things. It can be a very negative industry at times, which can be very stressful, and where you can feel very alone. But yesterday I was also reminded of how many positives there are, and what a wonderful business it can be. As you know, I was singing in a concert last night. It was a charity concert, starring a well known performer, and I was one of a number of other soloists, most of whom are professionals. I felt very lucky to not only be performing alongside such a fantastically talented and successful performer, but one who was so generous and giving, and such a lovely person. I had met her before a couple of times last year when I did some workshops with her, and knew that she was very nice and genuine, but I wasn't expecting her to be nearly as hands on yesterday as she was. We had a run through in the afternoon, and I fairly naturally assumed she would just come out to sing her songs, and spend the rest of the time in her dressing room. Instead, she sung her songs, then came and sat out in the auditorium and watched every single one of the soloists. She jumped up and down making suggestions, and helping when people were struggling with anything, and giving people advice on their song, and just generally being so supportive and helpful, which was far beyond what she needed to do. She could, and I think most performers would, have just come out and sung her own songs and ignored what everyone else was doing, but she just got really involved, and it was so nice to see such an experienced performer giving back in that way. She is a wonderful example of how great this business can be. And how sometimes even the people at the top of their game will really make an effort to help others who are still on their way up. In fact, I think it is often the people who are at the top who are the least diva-ish. Yesterday there was absolutely no bitchiness. Everyone got on really well. All the other soloists were lovely and we had great fun in our dressing room. It was just a really lovely example of what a fantastic industry it can be.

The actual run through was difficult for me. There were still pretty severe issues going on with the band timing wise, which was making it virtually impossible for me to know when to come in, so we had to do the start a few times to get it right, and I was worried it was me messing up, but it was apparently the band. In the end we got going and got all the way through, but my voice was really hurting, and it was getting really croaky - mostly actually in the dialogue bits rather than the singing. I was still really not confident with the timing - the scoring for the band part was COMPLETELY different to the normal sheet music, which is obviously what I have been used to rehearsing with - there were random extra bars in some places, and missing bars in others, and it was all a bit all over the place, and therefore worrying. I went down into the auditorium afterwards and was talking to the lead who said 'That scoring is really strange - I have always done it like X (at which point both of us went da da da da da daa da da da da etc, and established we were used to the same version!). It would completely confuse me like that!' I replied that it was completely confusing me too, and she said she would have a word with the MD (who was too stressed for anyone apart from her to dare speak to!) and see if we could go through it again, which she did, but the rehearsal ran on so late that there was absolutely no time to do anything again. But she did get her to make sure she was giving me really clear signals as to when to come in, as in the run through I couldn't tell when she was bringing me in and when she was bringing the band in, which was obviously very confusing. Usually it is fine, because they look at you, but the band were on stage, and so the MD was behind us, and so we saw her via a screen at the front of the stage, but obviously with that you can't see when she is actually looking at you. So it was all quite different for me, and the band part really was confusing - it would have been nice if it had been closer to the original scoring, both for the band and for me!

I was quite stressed between the run through and the performance, because I had no idea if I was going to be able to get the timing right or not, and there was nothing I could do about it. I desperately wanted another run through, but there wasn't the opportunity. From the end of the run through, time just flew. We all started putting on our make up, and getting our hair done, and getting into costume etc, and time just flew. Suddenly the concert had started, and time just whizzed by. I wasn't on until half way through the second half, so had plenty of time to get ready, which is lucky really, as I was still nowhere near ready by the time some of the other girls in my dressing room had already performed! I also nearly fell down the stairs at one point, which was slightly embarrassing, as it was right outside the number 1 dressing room, and I kind of screamed and swore at the same time, just as the lead had walked into her dressing room, so she dashed out to see if I was ok. Stupid shoes!

My actual performance went ok. I was nervous about the band because of the issues at the rehearsal, and I was worried about my voice. It could have been better - it would have been better if I hadn't been ill. But it wasn't a disaster. Through gluing my eyes to the screen at the appropriate times I managed to get all the timing right, and I think vocally it was reasonably strong apart from one note that cracked slightly due to my chest/throat. Some of the dialogue did sound slightly croaky, but there really was nothing I could do about that - I was supporting as much as I possibly could, but I have a chest infection, and no amount of support was going to get rid of that! I believe there were some slight mic issues too - it felt like it was fading in and out a bit, and my dad commented on it, but that wasn't uncommon - it happened to several people. So overall it was ok. I wasn't entirely happy with my performance, but then I very rarely am, and I feel like I did my best under the circumstances. And it was a really good day, where I met lots of lovely people, performed in the biggest theatre I have ever worked in, had some nice chats and laughs with a performer I have always admired greatly, and had the opportunity to sing in the same concert as her. I feel very lucky to have had that opportunity, and it reminded me of all the brilliant things about performing, and the business, and other performers. She really is true class, both on stage and off.

Illness and therapy

I decided not to take the antibiotics. I think that I probably do have a chest infection, but it might just be a bad throat combined with a cold, and 24 hours on antibiotics wasn't realistically going to do much, and after that I don't care if I am ill - my body can just fight it off. So I didn't really see the point of taking them - if I had got them a couple of days ago it would have, but with 24 hours to go I thought it was quite pointless. I have kept taking the Sudafed, and then honey and lemon Strepsils for my throat, and I did a steam inhalation with Olbas Oil, and will do again in the morning, plus keep taking the Sufafed etc. That is about all I can do really. And hope for the best. I have a full run through with the lead, all the other singers, and the band in the afternoon, and then obviously the concert in the evening. And then after show drinks apparently. I just really hope that I give a decent performance. I am a perfectionist, and I hate knowing already that I won't be as good as I could be, because of this infection/virus/whatever it is, and that really frustrates me a lot. But I am also quite anxious in case it is a complete disaster and my voice cracks all over the place or something. I want to be good - I am going to be surrounded by such fantastic performers, and I want to do well and be good too. I will be absolutely devastated if I mess up, even if it is down to illness.

A couple of friends are coming to see it. It's funny, I noticed with Carousel as well, the people who you would expect to come, ie people you are closer to, or who live locally, or who are into theatre, don't, and then other people that you wouldn't expect to come do. For example tomorrow, a friend who I haven't seen for about 6 years is coming, even though she lives a long way away, and a friend I met online years ago but have never actually met in real life is coming. But none of my friends that I actually see are. T said from when I was first cast that he would definitely be coming, and was bringing his family etc, but now isn't coming. Other friends who either live more locally, or are closer friends, or are fans of the star aren't coming. But then two people I wouldn't have expected to come are, and it was exactly the same with Carousel - people who could easily have come didn't, and then again there were 2 people (although a different 2 people) who I wouldn't have expected to come who did. Plus my parents are coming of course, but again, none of the rest of my family.

I have an appointment through to see the psychologist. It is for an assessment, at the end of January. I may then be offered CAT (CBT and CAT are basically the only therapies in my area), but L is actually more interested in the assessment. She said if the psychologist and I both thought that therapy would help then obviously that would happen, but she wants me to see her for an assessment anyway, I suppose so that she can get the view of someone else. It will be kind of weird, because I know that the psychologist knows a lot about me already - L has supervision about me with her regularly, and she has read all of my notes apparently (a pretty Herculean task - there are a hell of a lot of them!), so she knows a lot about me, both from my notes, and from talking to L. So it will be quite weird, because although in theory usually people are supposed to have read your notes, they generally seem not to have, and they certainly don't usually know as much about me as this psychologist does about me. A friend used to have therapy with her, and she is apparently very nice. But obviously it is still about 7 weeks away, and if I do end up having therapy with her then that would be even longer.

Sulking

So the good news is that I bought some Sudafed this evening, and either it is a wonder drug, or very coincidental timing, because since I took one, my nose has felt much less congested. Plus my ears and head and everything else that have felt horrible. I am hoping that they are wonder pills, and in fact the cure for the common cold. I will take more tomorrow and see how I get on. Technically I could take more now, as it was about 7 hours since I last took one, but the pharmacist told me not to take them at night as they keep you awake. Apparently. Since my sleep is always shite I don't think risking taking one at 3am would be wise. The bad news is that my chest has been hurting today, and I am slightly concerned I may in fact have a chest infection and not just a sore throat, in which case I should possibly have got some antibiotics when I saw my GP yesterday. Although I think they have pretty limited use with chest infections so maybe it doesn't matter. Hopefully if the congestion clears up then everything else will as well. That is the plan. By tomorrow night I will be feeling completely better, Saturday will be a nice, not ill day, and I will be feeling 100% for Sunday. I hope my body has taken the plan on board.

Today was pretty quiet. I spent the day in bed sulking about feeling ill. If it had been next week - fine. Not this week dammit. So I have taken the male route and retired to my bed and felt sorry for myself. I watched Neighbours and Home and Away and then the film Gigi. And then I had to get out of bed and stop feeling sorry for myself so that I could go and shower and wash my hair and eat my dinner and go and get my hair cut. Didn't have anything exciting done, just a trim and layers cut back in as they had all grown out. Might go short next time, I am getting bored with long hair. Although it is useful to be able to tie it up when you can't be arsed to wash it. In fact, I think that is the main advantage of long hair. Or it is as far as I am concerned, but then I am lazy, and when I feel crap personal hygeine takes a distinct backseat. After I got my hair cut I had to go to Sainsburys with my mum. Which was ok. I bought my magical Sudafed and got my prescription. And wandered about aimlessly looking at chocolate and stuff. As you do. I do anyway. Although I felt a bit sick so I didn't look at it for as long as I usually would.

I am doing nothing tomorrow. I should be going to a carols rehearsal tomorrow evening, but there is no way in hell I am going to be able to sing a soprano line in anything at the moment, so it is utterly pointless. The one good thing about my song on Sunday if I am still ill, is that most of it is low enough that I belt it - it is only right near the end that I use head voice - there is actually only one note in the entire song I always sing in head voice, and that is for artistic reasons, ie it sounds more suitable, rather than because I can't sing it in chest voice. And when I have a sore throat my head voice suffers far more than my chest voice. Although that one note in head voice is held, and it would be nice to sing it without my voice cracking of course. But it could be worse - I could have a song that is nearly all in head voice. Or a ballad. Ballads are harder to pull off when you are having problems with your voice I think. At least I have a character song. I am not really convincing myself here. I want to be better by then and not have to worry about cracking notes. Please.

Appointment and my sister

The cold and sore throat are getting worse - just what I didn't want! Woke up feeling very croaky, and have had a streaming nose all day. Also had a splitting headache, I think as a result of congestion. Distinctly unimpressed with this situation. I am just hoping that as it is only Tuesday it will all have cleared up and I will be absolutely fine by the weekend. I don't want to make an idiot out of myself in front of lots of people. Must steam every day. Didn't today - that was naughty. I don't really like doing it, so I tend to put it off, but I think it helps so I must. Ditto the nasty throat lozenges. I have a show rehearsal tomorrow but I am planning to tell them that I can't sing. Which means it is pretty pointless me going really as it is primarily a singing rehearsal, but never mind. It looks better to turn up, even if I can't sing. And I have to be in town anyway because I have ballet as well. It is another one of those crazy nights where I am supposed to be two places at once. In fact, that is every Wednesday from now on. I always have ballet from 7:30 until 8:30, but I now also have rehearsals from now until March from 7:30 until 10. Since I sadly don't have a time turner a la Harry Potter stylee, this means missing one, and since I am the lead in the show, it is going to be rare that I can get out of rehearsal. I am going to have to tell my ballet teacher that I will only be able to do Monday classes after Christmas until the end of March, which she will not be impressed about, as I was supposed to be doing an exam at Easter. But there is nothing I can do about it. I will go to ballet when I can on a Wednesday, but I don't think that will be very often - strangely enough production teams tend to like their leading ladies to be at rehearsals. I also have an appointment with my GP tomorrow, just to make things even trickier time wise. I have no idea why I booked it for a Wednesday - that was a very daft idea.

Speaking of Harry Potter, I went to see the new film this evening with my mum. It was good. Better than the other films. Although there is a possibility I just think that because I have read Deathly Hallows less times than the other books, and therefore didn't notice any changes as much, but I did think it was better than the other films. I think splitting it into two was a good move - the film of Half Blood Prince was crazy, because you just cannot fit a 600 page book into a 2 and a half hour film and expect it to work. If I hadn't read the book I think I would have been utterly confused throughout that film. At one point tonight I had to really fight back the tears - they were in my eyes, but I knew that if I started crying it would be completely uncontrollable sobbing, in the way that it was when I watched Charlotte's Web a couple of months ago, and I kind of wanted to avoid hysterics in the cinema. Why is it that people dying in films doesn't upset me, but animals or creatures of some description dying can make me inconsolable? That seems to be the wrong way round really....

I saw L earlier. It went ok. I think we had cleared up quite a lot of things already via email, so it didn't really feel awkward. We talked a bit about what had happened, although we didn't dwell on it too much, as I think that would have been fairly pointless. I think the basic conclusion was that yes, she did let me down somewhat, as she didn't react in the way that she ordinarily would, but I know there were reasons behind it, and I can understand why she wasn't available for me in the usual way under the circumstances. And I think it is actually quite important for me to realise that a) nobody is perfect, and people always will let me down, however much I think of them and rely on them, and b) that relationships can be repaired - even if you are really upset about something and have been really hurt, that doesn't necessarily mean that it needs to be the end of that relationship. You can work through things. I suppose it has kind of been a lesson in black and white thinking - people aren't either amazing or useless with nothing in between, and one thing going wrong doesn't have to signify the end of an entire relationship. And I think they are important things to try and remember. Not that I will remember them of course - the next time someone lets me down I will be distraught and never want to speak to them again. But hopefully over time I can learn.

My sister is unrelenting in her hatred for me. She really is very immature. Obviously there was the deleting me from Facebook incident. She hasn't been to our house since it all happened, apart from when I haven't been here. She hasn't phoned the house - she has only phoned my mum on her mobile. Then she blanked me when I did see her the other day. Then today I sent her a text saying 'What would the boys like for Christmas? Is there anything in particular that they want/need?' and got a reply saying 'No thankyou. Don't bother.' I replied saying 'Well I will obviously bother. I just wondered if they wanted anything in particular' but I didn't get a reply to that. And this is all because I found it too much to look after my nephew an afternoon a week. Whilst I can see that inconvenienced her, I still don't feel like I was being unreasonable, and I did do it for half a term, with only two days warning at the start - it wasn't like it was something I had offered or been asked to do in advance, and had agreed to. It was thrust upon me at the last minute when other arrangements didn't work out, and I was never once asked if I was ok with doing it - it was just expected that I would because he was my nephew. I do love my nephews, but at the same time I don't really like children much, and I find being around them for too long difficult, and I find having responsibility for them very hard. I can do it when I am not feeling too bad, but when I am not doing well it is well beyond me. I have repeatedly said that I wouldn't mind doing it occasionally if there were problems with the usual arrangements, but that I just cannot commit to doing it every week. Last week for example, I was in a complete and utter state on Thursday - I was feeling very suicidal, I had cancelled my appointment with L and was then regretting it immensely, I felt ill from taking too many tablets overnight on Wednesday, I was crying uncontrollably, and I was just a complete mess. There is no way I was in a fit state to look after a 5 year old boy. And that happens sometimes. And what am I supposed to do if he gets dropped off here and I am in that position? I could not look after him. I wouldn't feel safe being in charge of him. I wouldn't want him left with anyone who was in the kind of place emotionally that I was last week - I would absolutely not leave him with someone who I didn't think was in a fit state to look after him, and it is no different if it is me looking after him. It would have been irresponsible of me to try and look after an energetic 5 year old boy when I was feeling like that. I do get quite out of control when I am that distressed, and I wouldn't have been able to cover it up, and he shouldn't have to go through that. But that is besides the point really. I just think my sister should be mature enough to accept that I don't feel able to commit to looking after him every week and move on from that - not hold a grudge like this and refuse to speak to me.

Hectic evening

So I woke up today with a sore throat and a bit of a cold, which was absolutely the last thing I wanted, given that I am singing in a concert in 6 days. I am just hoping that getting it now means that it will be gone by then.... The cold is less of an issue - lots of steam can deal with that to a reasonable extent, but the sore throat is a problem.

Hectic evening was hectic as predicted. Ended up leaving slightly later than intended, which put me in a rush before the proper chaos even begun. Then had ballet for an hour, which was fine. Then had to quickly change and get across town to the band call. The band call was part good, part scary. I arrived to hear them mid way through Stars, being played beautifully by a 25 piece orchestra, and being sung fantastically. Which kind of freaked me out to be honest. He was too good! I believe he has been in Les Miserables in the West End production, which explains it I suppose, but singing in the same concert as such talented people is slightly intimidating - there are quite a few professionals, including him, a girl who trained classically at Guildhall and was incredible before she went there for 4 years - I've not heard her since and so can only imagine how good she is going to be. And then several other recent drama school/music school graduates. And that is without even mentioning the headline act, who is a big star in theatre. I just hope I can give a good performance. My song at the band call was hard work. For a start my voice wasn't feeling too happy - I was ok when I was in chest voice and belting, but my head voice felt very out. Luckily there are only about 2 notes in the whole song that I sing in head voice, but one of them is a sustained note, and it would be really nice if my voice didn't crack half way through it. It is the hardest song in the concert as far as the band are concerned - it is complicated scoring, and they have to vamp quite a lot whilst I am doing the speaking bits of the song and then it is difficult to get the timing right for when they come back in properly, and when I start singing in relation to that - it isn't like they know exactly what they are going to be playing in the way that they will with every other song. So it started off fairly terribly, but after a bit of work it did sound better. But not better enough that I am happy knowing I only have 1 more run through with them, and that is the day of the concert. I will just have to hope it all goes ok and trust in the MD - she is bloody brilliant, so hopefully she will get it all going smoothly..... I then had to dash off to rehearsal for the show - 45 minutes late, but I had warned them I was going to be late as I had to go straight from the band call, and I don't think I had missed anything much - I think they had just gone over a couple of chorus numbers, and I am not in many of the chorus numbers anyway. When I got there we did the big chorus number that I lead, and they then went onto another chorus number, but I stopped singing as my voice was really starting to feel unhappy and there was no point trying to push it. Then we danced for a while. And then I came home. I am pretty exhausted - I was out for over 5 and a half hours, and I was either singing or dancing for the vast majority of that time, and around people and therefore having to pretend to be happy for the entire time.

It was snowing heavily on the way home - that is the first snow we have had really. I think there was a tiny bit on Saturday or yesterday, but nothing worth mentioning. And it was snowing lightly on the way up there, but nothing like as heavily as it was on the way back home. I think it is meant to snow more overnight, and again tomorrow, but I've not actually looked out of the window since I got home.

I should try and get to sleep now. I have to get up to go and see L in 7 hours. I hope that it goes ok. I think I am going to see Harry Potter tomorrow evening with my mum, although that isn't definite. I could really do with a quiet day, but it doesn't look like I am going to get one this week - things are fairly full on for the next week or so.

Getting by

Today was worse than yesterday, but it wasn't horrific. I slept until a ridiculous time - I didn't only sleep the morning, I slept half of the afternoon as well. I could hear my brother and his wife here when I woke up, but I didn't go downstairs. Partly because I couldn't really be bothered, and partly because they are all ill, and the last thing I need right now is a cold or sore throat. I went and had a shower and washed my hair, and popped downstairs very briefly to grab a diet coke - wanted to stay down there as it was much warmer than my bedroom, but I didn't want their germs, and came back upstairs. I was finding it harder to concentrate on things today, so it was harder to distract myself from the thoughts, but my head was quieter than it had been last week, so it was primarily about trying to distract myself from thoughts, rather than noise as well, which is easier. I am not really sure what I did. I watched a bit of crap TV. Apart from that I don't really know. After my brother and family had left I went downstairs because it was warmer, and watched X Factor. And since then I don't really know what I have been doing. I think my mind is drifting quite a lot. Dissociating I suppose.

Tomorrow is ridiculously busy. Nothing in the day - the day time is fine. Which is lucky as I will need to sleep a reasonable amount of it. But then I have to leave for ballet about 5. I then have ballet from 5:45 - 6:45. At 7 I have a band call for the concert I am doing on Sunday. As soon as I can get away from that, I have to go to a rehearsal for the show I am doing, which starts at 7:30, but I will get there later than that because of the band call. That then goes on until 10, and I will get home about half 10, maybe a bit later. It is all a bit hectic, and I don't know when I am going to get a chance to warm up, because of being in ballet immediately before having to go and sing. I suppose I will have to warm up (vocally) before ballet and then do a quick 5 minute top up on my way from ballet to the band call. It is rather unfortunately they are all so on top of each other, but there is nothing I can do about it.

I am trying really hard to stop myself from focusing on the negatives and the suicidal thoughts, and to just blank them the best that I can. November is nearly over, and although it sounds odd, that makes it slightly easier to shut out the suicidal thoughts. As I have said before, one of my 'rules' around suicide is that it can't be in the lead up to something big like Christmas/someone's Birthday, because although whenever you kill yourself it will be hard for people, I always think it must be particularly hard if it is at a time when there is an expectation of being happy. So basically I need to stop considering suicide an option until after Christmas. Which is far, far easier said than done, and I don't know if I can do it, but I have to try. It is particularly hard because Christmas and New Year are such difficult times for me, and there is nothing I would like more than not to have to go through them. But I think Christmas must be about the worst time of the year to lose someone. Everyone is happy (or pretending to be) and excited, and there is just a buzz around, and there is just this expectation that everyone will enjoy themselves, and have a good time, and having that as an anniversary of someone dying must be really tough. I am actually more worried about Christmas then New Year I think. Christmas is hard because of all the food and all the people, and the pressure to be happy, but New Year is far worse, because it reminds me of everything that I haven't achieved, and what a failure I am, and how I have let yet another year pass by without accomplishing anything, and that really does make me feel intensely suicidal. I have refused to celebrate New Year for years now - I see nothing to celebrate, and it is always an incredibly difficult night, where I end up crying hysterically, and desperately wanting to die. Even thinking about it makes me feel really suicidal. I still wish that I had killed myself last week so that I didn't have to face Christmas or New Year. Or life generally.

I am unsure about the best way of getting through this. I don't know if I need to try and get myself excited about Christmas (tough to do) and just throw myself into it and just turn into Little Miss Festive (yeah.... even saying that makes me think the chances of that are slim to none) or find some other way of getting by. And I still have to get my Christmas shopping done, and write my cards, and all of the other things that are synonymous with Christmas. I am slightly unsure what will be happening about Christmas, given that my sister isn't speaking to me, and we usually spend time with her. I am slightly concerned that will end up being a big problem that will upset my mum, and that I will end up being blamed for, which will make me feel terrible etc, but I am not sure what I can do about it. I am still not going to apologise, as I still don't think I did anything wrong in not wanting to look after my nephew every Thursday, having done it for half a term. But it is a slightly awkward situation. Thinking about things like this make me think again how much better off my family would be without me. How much simpler things would be for them. And thinking about that seems like more justification that suicide is the right thing to do, despite the time of year. The sad thing is, I don't think my sister would even care at the moment. I wish making the suicidal thoughts go away was as simple as deciding not to have them, or not to consider acting on them an option, like I am trying to, but there is so much more to it than that. The thoughts don't go just because I want them to, or try to make them. They are there, and they are strong. Even if they aren't supposed to be because of the time of year. They don't take any notice of the time of year - it means nothing to them. And in some ways, Christmas and New Year make them more intense. I wish there was an answer of how to get through this - how to cope, but there isn't. I just have to try and get by. And either I make it or I don't.

Cancelled lunch....

It really hasn't been a good day. After the debacle earlier, I just laid in my bed in the dark crying for ages. I was really upset. Then my parents got home from the fireworks they had been to, and my mum came upstairs and asked if I was going to go downstairs. I said that I was too upset by what she had said to be around her at the moment, and got a lecture from her on how I upset other people, and she then said I shouldn't always try and punish people - apparently me crying was my way of trying to punish her for what she had said. I suppose me being genuinely upset didn't cross her mind as of course everything I do is for effect. So things have been pretty tense tonight. She has seemed to switch between pretending nothing happened, and blaming me for it. I am still feeling incredibly hurt and upset and invalidated.

I am not going out for lunch with my friend tomorrow. I was feeling so stressed about it, and so I tried to think of a compromise, and decided that dinner would be a little easier, as I could then just not eat until then, and so although I would still be having more than I usually would in a day, hopefully I wouldn't have too much more. So I texted and asked if she fancied going for dinner instead as I am not usually very hungry at lunch time (which is true - even when I am eating 'normally' I find it difficult to eat my main meal at lunch, as I am just not very hungry then). She texted back saying that she couldn't do the evening, but we could go out for dinner some other evening if I would prefer that to lunch. I said I didn't mind, and said I was free thursday, friday and saturday evenings if she wanted to do that. She said she didn't have any free evenings in the next week, but it seemed like I would prefer to do an evening so should we do that? I said maybe she could come over for a while in the afternoon tomorrow to catch up, and then we could go out for a meal one evening sometime soon (safe in the knowledge it won't be too soon....). I feel like a bit of a bitch and a useless friend for changing plans like that, but I was just so stressed about it. And I will still be seeing her, so it isn't like I cancelled totally I guess. I just couldn't cope with eating out when I am feeling this vulnerable. I don't even want to leave the house, but I don't have a choice with that.

I really need to try and sleep as I need to be up in 7 hours, but I am not sleepy. I have a concert rehearsal from 11 until 12, then my friend is going to come over at about 1. I would really like to just stay in bed all day and not see or speak to anyone, but unfortunately that isn't an option. I feel so shit.

Very excited!

I am so excited - I got into the concert that I audiitoned for! I am absolutely amazed I got in, I really was not expecting it at all. People applied from all over the country and only 12 people got in, and I am one of them - how insane is that?! I am not allowed to say anything on Facebook or anything yet, as some people who haven't got in won't get their rejection letters for a week or two, and so they don't want people finding out via Facebook status' etc, which is extrememely frustrating! There has been a private Facebook group created for the people who have been cast, and of the other 2 members in the group so far, one is from the other end of the country, which is pretty crazy because it shows how people must have just applied from everywhere, and the other has just graduated from a really good drama school, and is apparently really good (we have mutual friends, as I have several friends who have trained there, and it has always been my dream school). I just cannot believe that I got in. It is just so crazy. It makes me think I must not be as crap as I usually think I am, to have been cast in something as big as this. AND the icing on the cake, is that of the list of female songs that will be used in the concert I got the one that I would have picked first! I will be doing Nothing from A Chorus Line, which I sung at my audition, and I absolutely love. There are a couple of other songs on the list that would have been good, but none that I love quite as much as Nothing (Cabaret is a close second, and Sally Bowles would be my dream role overall, but as a concert song, rather than a song sung in the context of a musical I think Nothing is perfect). I am really excited and just amazed to have got in, and then to have got the song I would have chosen is just perfect. I can't explain on here why this concert is such a big deal, because it could give away my identity, but if anyone is curious/a theatre geek and wants to know then send me an email.

Right, onto negative stuff. Today has been atrocious food wise, and I am panicking big time. I went to the cinema with a friend tonight to see Toy Story 3 (very good, but I think 3D films make me feel a bit sick?!) and she wanted popcorn, and asked if I would share a big bag with her. I didn't like to say no, as she obviously wanted it, so I had loads of bloody popcorn, and I had already eaten as many calories today as I am comfortable with for a day's intake. Then I weighed at about midnight, and I was a pound heavier than I should have been if I were to maintain tomorrow, so I know I will have gained weight, and that is really bad. I also had a little freak out because my mum produced the bag of sweets she has bought for the car journey to Cornwall. It is ridiculous. There are 3 of us, and there are so many packets of sweets. When my mum is in the car she likes to eat constantly, and whilst ideally I would just say 'no thank you, I am not hungry', if somebody is eating something I like, or offers me something I like I can't say no, and so I will eat loads of sweets in the car on the way there, when I would normally still be asleep, since we leave at stupid o'clock in the morning, and then we will stop for lunch, and then obviously have dinner in the evening when we are down there etc. Food on holiday is already scaring me enormously and I haven't even left home yet. I have warned my mum that the scales are most definitely coming with me. She asked if I couldn't just relax on holiday and ignore it, but she didn't put up too much of a fight - probably because she knows it would be pretty futile. Although taking scales on holiday sounds a bit bad, I do genuinely think it will be better having them there than getting home and having an enormous freak out at my weight - I don't know what that would lead to, whereas at least if I have the scales to check on my weight, then I have some control over it, in that I can force myself to eat less if it is just getting too difficult to deal with, whereas if I don't know what I weigh I will just eat too much all week, gain a shit load of weight, come back and weigh myself, and have a complete breakdown. It isn't looking like beachwear is going to be an issue - the weather forecast is terrible. Which is kind of unfortunate, as apart from the beachwear issue, good weather is good as I am far more likely to be active and do lots of swimming in the sea and walking etc, which all burns calories, whereas if the weather is awful I will just sit around, and still eat as much, which obviously means more weight gain. Plus obviously it is just nice to have good weather when you are away! And I have bought a brand new wetsuit and snorkel which I want to use. Typically, the weather looks like it is going to get quite warm up here, although wet, but down in Cornwall it is a terrible forecast. Ahh, I am so scared about food whilst I am away. It is really freaking me out and upsetting me. I love Cornwall, but I just don't want to go right now. It is all too scary. Why do all foods that taste good have so many calories in them?!

Audition

Audition over and done. It went ok. I sung Nothing from A Chorus Line. I could have done it better - in fact I think I did in my lesson Thursday, but it was ok, and then they asked me to sing part of Cabaret, which was okish, but I could have done with the music really, as although I have sung it before, it isn't part of my usual repertoire, so I don't have it prepared to the standard I would other songs. It was all ok, I don't know. Depends how good everyone else was I suppose! I did feel a bit clogged up still from my cold and sore throat - I steamed last night and this morning, but there is still lots of nasty stuff blocking me up, so that wasn't ideal. I did all I could in the circumstances though, so that's that done.

Miraculously I wore the first outfit I put on! That never happens. Well, I did try 2 pairs of shoes with it, and change my top once, and then back to the first one, but I don't even count that! Lucky I did decide quickly though, as I didn't have any spare time. I ended up doing my make up in the car as usual. I always seem to have to do my make up in the car. One day I will be on time for something and have got ready and done all my make up and everything at home, instead of rushing around late and doing eyeliner on country lanes....

Weight is shit. I had bloody gained again today, so this week I managed to gain half a pound. Am beyond unimpressed with myself. I clearly don't have enough self restraint. I am getting quite stressed about going away. Obviously there is the worry about what I can wear, and not having clothes etc, but I am getting quite concerned about food etc whilst I am away. There is no way I will be able to stick to my usual thing of not eating until the evening, and generally we eat a lot more away than we do at home. We eat out quite a lot, and then lots of things like ice creams, and obviously clotted cream and scones, because it is Cornwall, and that is what you do in Cornwall. And I am quite stressed thinking about the amount of food I will eat, and the amount of weight I will gain. I will restrict where I can, but it is much harder when my parents are around all the time, like they will be when we are away, than when I am in the house on my own, like I often am here. I am scared of how much food I will eat, I am scared of being desperate to purge all the time and not being able to, I am terrified of gaining weight. I am not sure how I will cope with it. If I came home and had gained a lot, then I really would not be able to cope with it, and I am worried that it could trigger a really bad patch, because even gaining half a pound today absolutely devastated me. Going on holiday should be fun, but it is just endless stress - about clothes, about not being in my safe space, about food, about weight. Just everything.

Quiet Day

Haven't done anything much today. Watched a bit of Athletics on the television, but that is about it. I am quite tired. Still feel a lot more clogged up than I would like, given that I have an audition tomorrow. Will go and do a steam inhalation in a minute. I feel really tired today and I am not sure why, as I slept ok I think. It was late when I got to sleep, as usual, but I think I got 8 or 9 hours, so I shouldn't be this tired. My weight was pretty much the same today as it was yesterday, which is pretty shit. I feel like such a failure for not being able to lose weight. And I can't decide what to wear for my audition tomorrow. If it was nice weather it wouldn't be too bad, but it doesn't look like it is going to be very nice, and I never know what to wear in not very nice summer weather, and even more so at the moment when I have so few clothes to choose from. I really need to decide today, because if I leave it until tomorrow then I will spend at least an hour trying on different things, and getting more and more stressed, and probably make myself late, and it will all be a bit of a disaster, so I need to get organised tonight. I hate deciding what to wear. Particularly if it is something important. And not only will the audition panel see me tomorrow, but all of the auditions are being filmed to send off for someone else to see. I know that how I sing matters more than what I wear, but I will stress more about what to wear! I would be utterly amazed if I got cast anyway, so I am primarily going for the experience. But what to wear?! It is so much easier in the winter when you can wear tights and boots, or even tights and heels. Tights improve legs dramatically I find! But in the summer I have no idea what to wear, particularly when it isn't warm. Which let's face it, is most of the time in this country. Suggestions on a postcard...

Singing & Shopping

I had gained a pound and a half this morning, so feel pretty shitty about myself. And then had to go off and do a ballet class, although my concession to the weight gain was to wear black footless tights instead of hideous ballet pink tights! Black is so much more forgiving, I wish I was allowed to wear black in my normal ballet lessons, but my regular teacher is pretty strict on uniform so I can only wear black at open classes. The lesson was ok. During term time we always do syllabus ballet, and that gets pretty monotonous, so it is nice to do some unset work.

I went to my singing lesson afterwards. I wasn't sure whether I should go or not - I am still pretty croaky, and I didn't want to make it worse by singing. I texted my teacher earlier and said my throat had been hurting and was still husky, and would I damage voice by singing or would it be ok, and she offered to see me tomorrow or Saturday instead, but I couldn't get there then, so I decided I would try it today, and she said if I needed to stop then she would just charge for however much time we had used. It went ok actually. It didn't sound too croaky, and it didn't hurt, so that was good. My middle range was a bit crappy when I was warming up, so I sung lower songs that I could sing completely in chest voice, and was fairly comfortable with that, although I have a lot of nasty mucus still. From a performance point of view this lesson was actually a lot better than the last couple. I have this audition on Sunday, so I am hoping it goes well. I am not expecting to get in - it is going to be very competitive, because it is quite a big thing, and they have already cut down the numbers enormously as everyone had to send in an audition song on CD, so I feel quite lucky to have even got to the live audition stage. It would be amazing to get in - it would definitely be the biggest thing I have ever done, but I am not getting my hopes up - I will just do my best at the audition, and that is all I can do.

I went shopping after my singing lesson. I have decided that dresses are the way forward, since my top half isn't too enormous, and so even if I do lose weight they should still fit, and they also mean that my hideous thighs don't show. I bought 2 maxi dresses, although one of them is so long that it is going to need taking up a little. I am still refusing to buy trousers etc. My mum wanted me to buy some 'pretty' tops. She is getting fed up of me wearing head to toe black apparently. I didn't buy any. I like black. I used to like pretty colours and patterns etc for clothes, but I just don't feel like wearing colours much lately. Sometimes it is ok, and I have a couple of coloured things that I am comfortable in, but I suppose generally I just feel safer in black. I hate clothes shopping. Looking at myself in the mirrors in the changing rooms just made me feel sick - I look so disgusting. I am angry with myself for eating so much yesterday that I gained weight. I am angry with my body for not being able to eat more without gaining weight. I am just desperately hoping I can get my weight back down tomorrow, but I won't be able to get off the pound and a half that I gained in 1 day. Why is gaining so much easier than losing?!

London Day

I made it to London. Just. I very nearly cancelled. By last night I was getting quite stressed about it, even though it was only about 2 hours after I had arranged it, and I woke up this morning and just didn't want to go. I was pretty stressed. I decided to use my usual decision making technique - weigh myself, and if it had gone down then I would go, or at least get ready to so I could decide later, and if it had gone up I wasn't leaving the house. It had gone down, so I went off to shower etc. Getting out of the house was a bit of a nightmare - I was supposed to leave at quarter past 11, but it ended up being 12 when I left. Those 45 minutes were spent getting increasingly frustrated and upset at not being able to find anything to wear that I felt comfortable in. Everything I put on I just felt enormous in, and so kept changing, and then had a bit of a cry because I felt so horrible about myself. I finally ended up in the second outfit I had tried on, which was very boring - black linen trousers and a black top, but I decided I would rather look boring than wear something I would feel even more enormous in. But yes, that made me pretty late. And then in the car on the way to the station I really did not want to go - I was basically just having one long panic attack, and I desperately wished I had cancelled. I had a Diazepam, and in the end I texted G to see if she had already left or not, because if she hadn't I was just going to turn around and go home. I said that I was on my way to the station, but had a nightmare getting out the house due to clothes, and was very anxious so might be pretty crap company. She replied saying that if I didn't feel up to it then she would completely understand, and that she was on her way and would love to see me, but that if I felt crap I wouldn't enjoy it, and to let her know what I wanted to do. The Diazepam had started to kick in by that point, and her text made me feel a bit better too, so I decided I would go.

I met up with her at Leicester Square, and she had already been to TKTS and bought our tickets for the show, so we headed pretty much straight off to that, although we did pop into a shop so that G could buy some sweets to take into the theatre! The show was excellent. We had wanted to go this week, as Tamsin Outhwaite, who is playing Charity, was on holiday this week, and we both wanted to see her understudy rather than her ideally. It was a really good production - Tiffany Graves, who was playing Charity, was absolutely perfect for the part, she was really great. The cast overall was really strong actually - there wasn't much to criticise. Fantastic choreography - was interesting to see Sweet Charity without Fosse choreography, although I absolutely love Fosse and did miss it a little at times. But it was just a very good production. It was quite funny because during the first Act I kept thinking how brilliant Josefina Gabrielle's body was, and how jealous I was of it, and the first thing G said to me in the interval was 'How good is Josefina Gabrielle's body?!'

After the show we popped into a couple of shops - there was a CD I wanted to buy, and some black footless tights for dance, and then we headed off for dinner. We were going to Pizza Express, which was hard in terms of high calorie food, but then there isn't really a lot that I could eat out and feel comfortable with. I wasn't feeling too dreadful after my main course, but then we had dessert and that was just too much, and I couldn't cope with it, and I did purge. I really wasn't intending to, but when I had eaten it I just couldn't deal with the feeling and the taste etc. I suspect G knew that I did, or at least suspected, but she didn't say anything thank goodness. I do love G - she is great. I am glad I went in the end, despite how stressed and anxious I was this morning. I couldn't have done it without Diazepam, but I guess that is what it is for.

I am worried about what my weight will be in the morning. I know it will have gone up, but I am just really scared as to how much by. Tomorrow will be difficult too, as I have a dance class in the morning, so I am back to the 2/3 meals a day thing, which is hard. Which just leaves Friday and Saturday to try and lose, so there is absolutely no way I will get my 2lbs this week. Thinking about that makes me wish I hadn't gone to London today, as if I had stayed home I wouldn't have eaten nearly as much, and I would have lost weight tomorrow rather than gained, and at the moment that seems more important than anything else. Bit worried about my throat. It has still been hurting, and I have a singing lesson tomorrow, and I couldn't afford to cancel it as I have this audition on Sunday, so I need to sort out what I am singing. Purging won't have helped that, but it is the sore throat from this cold that is a bigger problem - I am still very husky, and it is still sore. I will just have to take it easy tomorrow I suppose. I really hope I haven't gained too much. I am scared.

Insert Title...

I felt a bit better again today, but I didn't go to dance this morning, because I thought suddenly getting up and jumping around might make me feel a bit ill, and I didn't want to go 20 miles there are back and not feel up to dancing, so I went back to sleep instead. I had an appointment with L at half 1, which was good. She is referring me to the team Psychologist for an assessment - possibly just to look at what direction we should be working in etc, or possibly to see the Psychologist for a while - I suspect it would be for CAT, which is usually 16 sessions, as I think they more or less just do that and CBT, and L knows my views on CBT. I wish I could have DBT, as I would really like to try it, but nowhere in my area does it, and they don't offer long term psychotherapy either.

I had rehearsal tonight for Carousel. It was a dance rehearsal - I was learning the opening section for the very long dance section in it. My shins are hurting a bit, as the floors there are hideous - they are just concrete. I tweaked the choreography a little (quite a lot...) as the choreographer didn't seem to mind. There was a bit of a horrible suprise at rehearsal in that I had to be measured for my costume, which I wasn't expecting, and would have seriously freaked out about had I known in advance. The trouble is, the show isn't until October, and I have absolutely no intention of being this size by then, but I couldn't really tell them to measure me and then subtract 2 inches from all the measurements as I plan to be that much smaller by then?! Although hopefully it won't matter too much, as it is my bottom half I really need to lose weight from, and I will be in a dress, so the bust and waist measurements should really be the only relevant ones, and although they are bigger than I want them to be, it is my hips and thighs that are the real issue, and the problem when it comes to buying clothing etc. My bust doesn't change too much really - at the moment I am a 32C, and when I was at my smallest I was a 32B, so that isn't a big issue. My waist is 2 inches bigger than it was when I was at my smallest, but I don't have too much of an issue with my top half really, or at least as small an issue as I can have with any part of my body (except my feet - I like my feet!). I need to lose 3 inches off my hips, and 2 inches off each thigh though. When I lose weight it always comes off my waist first, thighs last. Which is unfortunate as my thighs are my most hated body part. I am thinking quite seriously about getting liposuction on them.

I have said I will go to London to meet up with a friend tomorrow. I haven't seen her for about a year, so it will be lovely to see her, but I am quite anxious about it. I haven't been to London for quite a few months - I used to go all the time, and then I started getting more and more anxious about it, and I also started having real issues with planning things in advance, so both this time and the last time I went to London I just arranged it the day before. I had a little freak out about it tonight, but apparently I do that every time I go to London according to my mum. She says that I spend the whole car journey to the station saying how anxious I am and asking if I will be ok, which I didn't know I did, but apparently so. So she has told me I will be fine. Which I will. And it will be really good to see G because I love G. She is really good fun. Pretty crazy, but not in a mental health way - she is one of relatively few friends I have who don't have any MH problems, but she is fairly eccentric in a lot of ways. So we are going to meet up, and try and get tickets for the matinee of Sweet Charity, and then go out for a meal after. A meal is obviously something of an issue at the moment, but meals are good opportunities to sit and chat, and I couldn't really spend the whole day in London without eating. I am kind of hoping I get the opportunity to purge it - I wish I wasn't thinking like that, and I really need to try not to, because I have a singing lesson Thursday and an audition Sunday, and purging always hurts my throat, which is sore anyway from being ill, but I am scared about how much weight I will gain if I don't. Food is so damn scary. I shouldn't plan to go out for a meal and purge it - that is not what people do. People go out for meals and enjoy them. How hard I find it will probably depend quite a lot on what my weight is like in the morning. If I have gained then I will find it really hard to eat without purging, as gaining 2 days running would be awful, but if I have lost then I might be ok. I am trying to focus on the positives of seeing my friend, and going to the theatre, and not thinking about the negatives of scary eating and food and weight and getting the train to London and all that sort of thing. I will be ok. Diazepam is my friend....

Weight woes!

Feeling pretty crappy. Food and eating stuff yet again. I had gained the expected half a pound this morning, which I know doesn't sound like much, but it feels horrific. And then straight after weighing myself I had to eat, because of going to dance, so that made me feel even worse about it. My head was telling me how greedy I was to be eating when I had gained weight, but I knew I couldn't dance on an empty stomach so I had to eat, and was just feeling pretty crappy about it really. I got home just before 3, and I was quite hungry, and was debating between not eating then and having an early dinner, at 6ish, or having something to eat then, and having a late dinner, at 8ish. My mum said I should have something then and that she would do dinner late, so I had a slice of bread and peanut butter. It is now 7pm, and I have already eaten my dinner. When she said it was ready it really upset me - I was supposed to have dinner late, not at quarter to 7, and although it shouldn't make any difference when I eat, it really does to me. Basically, if I haven't eaten all day then I don't mind having an early dinner, because I have enough calories left over that I can snack a little later in the evening, but when I have already eaten that day (and not just once, but twice) then I can't have dinner early, because I will still want to snack after it, because I like eating in the evening best, but I can't because I have already had too many calories, and so any snacking will lead to weight gain. I was actually really quite scared about eating dinner at that time, which just sounds ridiculous, but I know that tomorrow is going to be another day when I will have gained weight, and I just cannot cope with it. It is making me cry thinking about it. I will try not to eat anything this evening, but since I never get to sleep before 1 or 2 am, and often it is later than that, that is a lot of hours to go without food. I feel so angry with myself. Really furious. I really want to self harm. I want to purge really - that would be the most enormous relief, but I can't because both of my parents are home and they would hear, so I want to self harm instead, as I need to do something to hurt myself for being so greedy and disgusting and repulsive.

Ballet and singing were both ok. I was very, very stiff and sore at ballet, but so were most other people - there was only one girl there who hadn't been at the limbering class on Tuesday, so she was ok, but the rest of us were in quite a lot of pain! It was good to loosen it up a bit - I always think it is strange that the way of getting rid of stretching pain is basically by doing more stretching. Although I am pretty stiff again now. My singing lesson was quite good too. One of my problems with singing is much the same as with everything else - I just over think and analyse everything too much. I need to find a way of switching off my brain a bit. Not just for singing, for everything.

Weight and Singing

By some minor miracle I hadn't gained weight today! I honestly can't describe what a relief it was when I got on the scales - I had just been hoping desperately that I wouldn't have gained too much, but actually my weight was a tiny weeny bit down from yesterday (only .2 of a pound) - not enough to call a loss, but I was just so relieved not to have gained. I waited until after 8 to eat my dinner last night, so that I wouldn't have much after. I am glad I did that instead of having it at 6, as I am sure that if I had eaten at 6 I would have had more to eat during the evening and then I would have gained weight today.

I hate living in fear of the scales like this. Every time I eat something I worry about how it will affect my weight - whether I will weigh more the next time I weigh myself, and how I will cope with it if I do. I have a dance class again tomorrow, so I will have the multiple meals in a day problem again - I feel much more comfortable when I don't really eat anything until the evening, or very little anyway, and tomorrow I will have to have breakfast again because of dance, and then it will all go wrong. It is stupid, but I wish that I wasn't dancing, because then I wouldn't have to eat until the evening, and that just feels so much safer and controlled at the moment. I am also not looking forward to it because of my hips being so painful today, but hopefully they will be a bit better tomorrow. It really hurts to walk today, which isn't much fun. The rest of me is just sore and achey from stretching, but the hip pain is different. Maybe dancing again will kind of loosen things up a bit. Or make it all worse. One or the other...

I got an audition for the concert that I had to record the audition song for, so that is good, but I have no idea what I am going to sing for the actual audition, as the song I had intended to sing if I got an audition is on the list of songs they are planning to include in the concert, so I can't really use that, and my second choice would have been the song I sung for the audition CD, but I have already used that, and my third choice is another one on their list they are using. It is quite hard finding audition songs at the moment, because of my voice being so unreliable and out of practice, so I wanted something that was a really strong song from an acting point of view, that isn't too rangey, in the hopes that it would show off the ok parts of my voice, and hide the bad parts, but am not feeling terribly inspired now that my first three choices are out!

Imagine a title...

Have had an ok day. I am really exhausted. Not sleepy as such, just completely drained. I really don't like being busy. I don't find it distracts me and makes me feel better like people always say doing things should - I find it wears me out and makes me irritable. I had my singing lesson earlier, which was the first one I have had for about 10 months, and that one was just a one off (and absolutely horrific and made me think I would never be able to sing again), so it is about 18 months since I have had regular lessons. My lesson today was ok. I can't see my old teacher, because she moved away, but I had a lesson with someone I have only had one lesson with before but have known for many years, and she is very good. I was quite worried about it before, partly because my voice has been hurting the last few days - I think just from using it so much with The Tempest, and partly because of the one off horrific lesson I had last year, when my voice was literally cracking every note I sung, and I just left feeling completely demoralised and shit about myself, and thinking I was useless and would never be able to sing again. So I was a bit tense, but it was ok.

There were a few things that she was able to point out straight away - mainly tension related, which made an improvement, but overall I didn't sound as bad as I was expecting to. I needed to record a song that I could email off for an audition, so I did that, and it was ok, although having listened to it back since I got home I think I should have made one more recording as there are a couple of bits I am not happy with, but never mind. The song I was using was an uptempo character song, which is what I am most comfortable with, because when I am doing a character song like that it is different to singing as myself, so I am more relaxed, and she commented afterwards how different my voice was doing that, in terms of placement and clarity and everything. After that I sung through a ballad, which was rangier, and that did sound pretty shit. Despite that sounding crap, I wasn't feeling too negative about the lesson though. What has really struck me though, and what she also pointed out, is that the vast majority of the vocal problems I have been having are confidence/mental health/life related, rather than technique related. I would have preferred it to be the other way around, as it would have been far simpler to correct bad technique than it is to sort out my life and get confidence, but I suppose even if I can just get confidence back in terms of singing then that will have an enormous impact on my voice. I tried singing the ballad that I had sung with her when I got home, and it sounded so much better, which does just confirm how much of my vocal problems are down to tension, and lack of confidence leading to swallowing the sound, and bad placement etc, but at least I know that if I can do it in my bedroom then I can do it, so hopefully next time it will be better. I have booked another lesson for next week, and hopefully I will be a bit more relaxed then now I have had a lesson that wasn't a complete disaster.

Had my appointment with the voice therapist after that - that was fine. She seemed fairly pleased with how I was getting on. I am trying really hard to energise my voice more when I am talking, as that is one of the main things she has told me to do, but it is quite tiring. But there definitely seems to be an energy issue, as in my singing lesson I was told I needed to energise my body far more. I don't have another appointment booked with the voice therapist - she is going to give me a call in about a month to see how I am getting on, and to see if I feel like I need to go back in, and I can email her if I am having problems etc, but I suppose that since there is nothing physiologically wrong for her to help me correct, there is a limit to what she can do.

It is nice having my friend here, I am really liking seeing her, but in some ways it is quite stressful too. I am worried about her because of how little she eats - she really has next to nothing, and so obviously that is concerning, but at the same time I am really quite jealous of the amount of will power she must have to eat so little. I wish I could do that. But I wouldn't want to be thin like she is, she just looks so ill. It is BMIs in the 16s/17s that I am really jealous of, so if she was that kind of size I would probably find it more triggering, as I would be jealous of her body as well as her self control. I feel guilty for being jealous of anything when she is so ill, but I can't help it - I would just love to have that much control over what I ate.

The thing about having her here that I am probably finding most difficult is that I am feeling obliged to eat more than I have been lately, partly because I have only been eating once a day really, and that doesn't set a very good example, and partly because I feel like if I am eating then maybe she will be more likely to eat - she certainly wouldn't eat anything at all if I wasn't eating. But as usual, I am finding it impossible to find the right balance, as I seem to only be able to restrict, or to eat whatever I fancy, and I am pretty much eating whatever I fancy as I can't restrict, and so I have already gained 1lb. So I am feeling pretty shit about that, particularly because I know that now I have got back into eating more again, I will find it harder to cut down again - the longer I restrict for the easier it becomes, and I guess I had been doing it for about 10 days, so I was starting to get quite comfortable on just eating 1 meal in the evening and not much else, and now I am eating more I have undone all the good I had done in doing that, and will have gained all the weight back and will have to start all over again. Thinking about it is actually making me cry - I am so, so desperate to lose weight, and it just feels like one step forwards two steps back. It's a bit like playing Snakes and Ladders really - you climb up a ladder and think you are doing well, and then suddenly you go sliding down a snake and find you are worse off than you were before you went up the ladder.

I have a performance of The Tempest tomorrow night - the rearranged performance from the rained off one on Tuesday. It is also my sister's birthday, so we are apparently going for a picnic. It is selfish, but I feel kind of jealous that my sister is getting to do what she wants on her birthday, with the people she wants, when I had to spend mine at a funeral. My mum was supposed to be doing something tomorrow, but she cancelled it so that she could spend the day with my sister, and although I know it is nobody's fault that I had such a shit birthday, it just feels unfair.

I need to try and sleep now, because my friend went to sleep over 4 hours ago, and my mum will wake me up in the morning when she wakes up, which is likely to be significantly earlier than I would like to wake up given that I am still awake, and not very sleepy as I am feeling quite tense.

Catch up

Just a quick post because I am tired and need to try and get some sleep.

Had first performance of The Tempest tonight - last night we were rained off and so rehearsed again instead, and that performance was rearranged for Friday, which had been a free night. Tonight went ok, or my scenes did anyway. I noticed a couple of people missing out some lines etc, but nothing the audience would have noticed. It did start raining towards the end of Act 3, and was raining quite a lot for Act 4, when I just have to sit on the stage doing nothing for ages, so that wasn't too fun, but you have to expect that really with open air. I was absolutely bloody freezing the whole time. I was really cold before I even got on stage, and then I have to lay on the ground for a good 5 minutes sleeping a little way in, which made me even colder. When I got off stage after my first scene I went into the pub and sat in there to try and warm up a bit as I wasn't on again until after the interval, and then during the interval I put on every item of clothing that I had with me (including 1 leg warmer and a pair of woolly warm up shorts, as I was using my dance bag and I had managed to leave those in there!), but it was so hideous taking it all off at the end of the interval to go back on stage for Act 3. And then Act 4 was the rainy scene so that made me even colder, and then after that I had to change costume into something even colder, and so I spent Act 5 with my teeth chattering. But it all went fine, and the audience seemed to enjoy it despite the weather!

My friend arrived earlier. It is lovely to see her, but I am really worried about her - she is so ill and she just can't see it at all. When I hugged her when she arrived it was quite scary how thin she felt. She really should be in hospital. But it is good to see her. I have a singing lesson (first one for about 18 months, because of my voice problems) and a voice therapy appointment tomorrow, so she will wander around the shops with my mum whilst I am in my singing lesson, and then I will join then, and then we will go up to the hospital for the voice therapy. Bit nervous about the singing lesson because I haven't sung properly for so long, and I know I will get really frustrated and tense if I sound shit, which will make me sound even more shit, but hopefully it won't be too dreadful. My voice is hurting a bit at the moment - I think just from using it so much with rehearsing The Tempest all the time. Apart from that I don't have anything on tomorrow - no Tempest, so it will be really nice to have an evening in. I am feeling really quite wiped out at the moment.

I need to sleep now, I am very tired. Sorry I have been neglecting blogs a bit lately - I got very behind on my blog reading/commenting. I have just been busy with all the Tempest stuff, and then when I have been at home (which has admittedly still been most of the time) I have felt too tired to do anything.