Audition over and done. It went ok. I sung Nothing from A Chorus Line. I could have done it better - in fact I think I did in my lesson Thursday, but it was ok, and then they asked me to sing part of Cabaret, which was okish, but I could have done with the music really, as although I have sung it before, it isn't part of my usual repertoire, so I don't have it prepared to the standard I would other songs. It was all ok, I don't know. Depends how good everyone else was I suppose! I did feel a bit clogged up still from my cold and sore throat - I steamed last night and this morning, but there is still lots of nasty stuff blocking me up, so that wasn't ideal. I did all I could in the circumstances though, so that's that done.
Miraculously I wore the first outfit I put on! That never happens. Well, I did try 2 pairs of shoes with it, and change my top once, and then back to the first one, but I don't even count that! Lucky I did decide quickly though, as I didn't have any spare time. I ended up doing my make up in the car as usual. I always seem to have to do my make up in the car. One day I will be on time for something and have got ready and done all my make up and everything at home, instead of rushing around late and doing eyeliner on country lanes....
Weight is shit. I had bloody gained again today, so this week I managed to gain half a pound. Am beyond unimpressed with myself. I clearly don't have enough self restraint. I am getting quite stressed about going away. Obviously there is the worry about what I can wear, and not having clothes etc, but I am getting quite concerned about food etc whilst I am away. There is no way I will be able to stick to my usual thing of not eating until the evening, and generally we eat a lot more away than we do at home. We eat out quite a lot, and then lots of things like ice creams, and obviously clotted cream and scones, because it is Cornwall, and that is what you do in Cornwall. And I am quite stressed thinking about the amount of food I will eat, and the amount of weight I will gain. I will restrict where I can, but it is much harder when my parents are around all the time, like they will be when we are away, than when I am in the house on my own, like I often am here. I am scared of how much food I will eat, I am scared of being desperate to purge all the time and not being able to, I am terrified of gaining weight. I am not sure how I will cope with it. If I came home and had gained a lot, then I really would not be able to cope with it, and I am worried that it could trigger a really bad patch, because even gaining half a pound today absolutely devastated me. Going on holiday should be fun, but it is just endless stress - about clothes, about not being in my safe space, about food, about weight. Just everything.
Hallucinations and the Mental Health Act
5 days ago