I feel really, really terrible. I actually don't know if I have ever felt this bad before. Can't explain it. Don't even know what feeling it is that is so bad, but I know that overall I feel a complete and utter fucking wreck. I feel like I am about to cry all the time. My heart feels all funny. My head is constantly telling me how useless I am. The video of me killing myself is on loop in my head. I can't get away from it. I am so desperate. I would do anything to make it stop, but the only thing that will make it stop is acting on it and killing myself. I don't want to be here. I am angry with my dad for being ill yesterday, even though it obviously isn't his fault. I am angry with myself for choosing the wrong day. I am angry with my mum for generally pissing me off, even though she isn't meaning to. I am angry with the world for being against me. But I don't know if angry is the right word. I don't know if I am upset or angry. I just know it hurts. Lots. Too much to live with. I hate myself. I can't even be civil to my parents. The only times I have spoken to them today I have snapped. Before my dad went to bed he asked me why I was so down today. I said I wasn't down, I was tired. Where the fuck did that come from?! Of course I am bloody down. If I was any lower I would have fallen through the floor. But I don't know why. I don't know why so I can't say why. I am crying now. I don't know why. Every day feels so unbearable, and then the next is even worse. Earlier today I felt terrible, now tonight it has gone so far beyond that. I am scared of how fast I am falling. I actually can't cope with feeling like this. That statement means nothing and so much at the same time. Can't cope means nothing and everything. Maybe can't cope is the wrong term. When I say can't cope I mean I am not going to carry on. I have no intention of carrying on. I am going to kill myself. I just need to make a new plan. And not fuck it up this time. Or have it fucked up for me by people getting ill. But I can't last that long. I need to die now. I need to stop my head. It is going too fast. I can't keep up with it. I need the fucking head voice to stop talking to me. Not talking to me. That makes it sound like we are having a conversation. We aren't. My brain is screaming at me.
You're a waste of space.
Everyone will be better off when you're dead.
You need to kill yourself.
You can't do anything right.
You have no purpose.
You're a horrible person.
Nobody actually likes you, and never will.
You will never be good enough.
Things will never change.
You should have killed yourself long before this.
You will never be happy.
And it is right. All of it. It is all true. I should have killed myself long ago. I should never have let things get this far. How can nothing hurt so much? How can emotions be so crippling? Emotions that come from nowhere. From nothing. There is no reason for me to feel like this. None. And yet I do. And I am going to stop it because I have to. Have to stop the video loop. By making it real. Just need the right time. Just need to get it right this time. Please let me get it right.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago