I feel really tense and horrible. I have not had a good day. I started by eating 2 biscuits and purging, and I don't even know why as I hadn't even wanted them in the first place, I just ate them because there was nothing better to do. Then I went back to sleep because I couldn't cope with being awake. Tried to watch some TV, couldn't concentrate. Tried to read a book. Couldn't concentrate. Tried to catch up on the blog reading I have been neglecting. Couldn't concentrate. You know things are bad when bloody Facebook games seem complicated. Then realised I had an appointment to see Dr O at half 5 that I thought was next week. Ended up crying because she asked me if I had any plans for this year or anything I would like to do, and I just can't think like that at the moment - all I can think is that I want to be dead. She asked if she had pushed me too hard, I said yes (through tears) and she backed off and just kind of chatted to me about lighter stuff. She suggested I do crosswords. We talked a bit about my psych appointment last week. I said something and she said I was mental. I said that I was fully aware of that - that is why I see a psychiatrist.
Got home, ate dinner, felt guilty for doing so. Went on MSN and a friend that I haven't spoken to for a while started talking to me. Asked me what my plans were for this year. I cried again. Then just now I was having a conversation with another friend. She is someone I met online quite a few years back, on an ED support website. She used to be bulimic, and we were always about the same size. Then she became anorexic and is now tiny. She has just got a job that she will be starting in a couple of months working as an au pair in New York, and before Christmas she did volunteer work in South Africa. I think it is really great that she feels able to do all that, although I do think she is kind of kidding herself about how 'well' she is - she still has a severely anorexic BMI. But that isn't the point. The point is that SHE then started on at me about what my plans are. Do I have any holidays planned? I should go and do some volunteer work abroad. I can't put my life on hold until I feel better. I tried explaining that I was really pretty unstable at the moment, and that I didn't want to plan something big and then back out of it, as I have a tendancy to do that. Things in the past have included being offered multiple au pair type jobs in various countries, teaching Acting and Directing at a Performing Arts Summer Camp in the USA, doing a 6 week Musical Theatre summer course in California, being offered 2 jobs in London and planning to move there, going to university, moving to London to do a performing arts course etc etc - all of these have either been attempted and quickly failed, or planned - most in the past year or 2. I have big ideas, apply for things on an impulse, then realise it is completely unrealistic and back out. That is very typical me. Anyway, she didn't seem to understand that pretty unstable meant fighting not to kill myself, or if she did then she chose to ignore it, and told me that I need to try and just push myself, that I can't just keep my life on hold until I am more stable. By this time I was pretty upset and replied that the reason I wasn't doing that is because I want to be dead, I don't give a shit, and that there is no point planning things if I am going to have killed myself first. She didn't reply after that. I went downstairs and ate a massive piece of Ginger cake, and now feel sick and desperately want to purge, but both of my parents are home and my dad has bat ears so would hear, and I really can't be arsed to get into an argument about that. So I will be even fatter tomorrow and feel even more shit.
This really isn't working. This whole life thing really is not going too well at the moment. I just can't do it. I want to scream and shout and cry and purge and cut and overdose and just anything destructive, but I know that nothing short of a serious suicide attempt will be enough. I can't keep going like this. I really am desperate.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago