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Thursday, 28 January 2010
Failed (or foiled)
Do you ever feel like the whole bloody world is conspiring against you? I am having one of those days. Since last week I had been planning to overdose today. I was going to do it in the morning soon after my mum left for work, which would give me about 8 hours before anyone would find me, which would make it at least 9 hours before I could have got to a hospital, and hopefully by that point the damage would be irreversible. So I set my alarm, woke up, checked my mum had gone - all fine. Except my dad was here. He had taken the day off work because he felt ill. My dad never bloody takes time off work for illness. But today he had. And so the only time I was on my own was when he went to see the Doctor. No bloody point overdosing then. I feel angry. I feel like I was cheated somehow. And it has made me feel even worse. I thought I had a get out, it was planned, I had my escape route. And it was taken away from me, and now I feel even more hopeless. I just want to make everything stop. And my mum will be home tomorrow because she has fridays off, and then it is the weekend, which means monday is the absolute earliest I could do anything, and I really really don't want to be here that long. It feels like an eternity.
I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse.
If you know me in real life, then please respect my wish for anonymity here.
You are welcome to add me on Facebook - I am on there as Bippidee Mentalist, and on Twitter as bippidee86.