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Thursday 28 January 2010

Failed (or foiled)

Do you ever feel like the whole bloody world is conspiring against you? I am having one of those days. Since last week I had been planning to overdose today. I was going to do it in the morning soon after my mum left for work, which would give me about 8 hours before anyone would find me, which would make it at least 9 hours before I could have got to a hospital, and hopefully by that point the damage would be irreversible. So I set my alarm, woke up, checked my mum had gone - all fine. Except my dad was here. He had taken the day off work because he felt ill. My dad never bloody takes time off work for illness. But today he had. And so the only time I was on my own was when he went to see the Doctor. No bloody point overdosing then. I feel angry. I feel like I was cheated somehow. And it has made me feel even worse. I thought I had a get out, it was planned, I had my escape route. And it was taken away from me, and now I feel even more hopeless. I just want to make everything stop. And my mum will be home tomorrow because she has fridays off, and then it is the weekend, which means monday is the absolute earliest I could do anything, and I really really don't want to be here that long. It feels like an eternity.

5 comments:

  1. Oh hun, I know it's hard for you to see it this way just now but maybe it was fate deciding that now just isn't the right time for you to go. Maybe something is trying to make you hang on through the weekend so you can see L again next week and perhaps she will help to give you some hope again. I went through those feelings of needing to OD a few years back when I still lived with my parents and due to never being alone ended up doing it in a graveyard in the middle of the night. Needless to say I was found and taken off to the psych hospital. It wasn't a good experience. I really hope you can stay strong over the weekend and if you get desperate try phoning someone anonymous to get it off your chest, Samaritans or Saneline or Mind can all be good. I'm thinking of you.x

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  2. Thank you. I don't really have much choice but to keep going over the weekend, as I am not going to make a suicide attempt that doesn't have a good chance of working - that isn't my style, and if there are people around it isn't going to work. But that just moves it to next week instead. L is fantastic, she really is, but I don't think there is anything that anyone could say at the moment that would make me feel differently. I can't think of anything that anyone could say or do that would make me feel able to fight these thoughts, I am just too bloody exhausted. xxx

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  3. I agree with MyCrazyBipolarLife.

    If monday is the earliest and L is back monday. Please at least try and speak to L first. Even if you can't get the right words out, just listen to her.

    xxx

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  4. There may not be anything anyone can say to make you feel differently, or feel able to fight these thoughts. But talking to L may make you think 'differently', change something, in some tiny way, even if it doesn't stop the thoughts, it will feel different to carry those thoughts.

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  5. Not much to add to what the others have said really - just wanted to agree that talking to L first is the best option. But I know how all-consuming the desire is and how long away Monday seems. Wish I could do something to make things a bit easier for you.

    Hugs hun, thinking of you x

    PS. Thanks for your email the other night - I'll respond today or tomorrow. I was completely pissed when it arrived so have only just rediscovered it! x

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