I have found myself wondering over the last few days why I am doing this. By this, I mean writing here. Earlier this evening I was reading a blog (Random Acts of Reality if anyone is interested), and it lead to a conversation with my parents about blogs and blogging. My dad asked if I had a blog, to which I replied yes but they couldn't see it. Which I suppose leads into my 2 questions; firstly why blog, and secondly why blog anonymously?
Why blog? Why am I publishing my thoughts on the internet for all and sundry to read, rather than writing in a diary and hiding it under my bed? Not that I expect all and sundry to read, but obviously the possibility is there. I suppose I have to be completely honest here, and say a big reason is for comments. I assume this is the same for all bloggers, or people would do the diary under the bed thing, or do their writing in some other way that meant others were unable to read it. Comments on my posts can do several things. Make me look at a situation differently. Make me feel my thoughts and feelings are valid. Make me feel less alone. Make me feel supported. And probably lots of other things too. So in the main, I would say that is probably the reason why I blog, rather than write in a diary. I do get disproportionately excited by comments. I suppose because I can't believe that anybody would spend their time reading my drivel, let alone bothering to reply to it. But sometimes people do, and that makes me feel good. Diaries don't comment back (although how cool would that be?!). They just leave you to get on with it. Not many people read my blog, probably partly because it is new, and partly because it isn't very interesting. Which leads nicely onto the second question.
Why do I blog anonymously? I have another blog, on LiveJournal, which is not anonymous. It is however friends locked - there are perhaps 12 people who can read my entries, and these are either 'real life' friends, or friends I have met on the internet. They all know who I am, I know who they are. None of them know that this blog exists. Why not? I would get more comments if they did, as they know me, and so are more likely to be interested in what I have to say - I do get more comments on my LJ than I do on here. But I want this to be anonymous. I want this to be a place where I can write about absolutely anything and anyone without the risk of worrying or offending people. I want to be able to write about being suicidal, without making my friends feel like they should intervene in some way. I want to be able to write on here in the same way that I would in an under the bed diary - with complete honesty. So when my parents asked if they could see this, the answer was naturally no. To me this IS my diary, and whilst it may seem strange to them that I am happy to have a personal diary out on the internet for anyone to read, the anonymity allows that. If someone who knew me well, such as my parents or L, or a few of my friends, came across this, then yes, of course they would recognise me. But the chances of that are fairly low (I hope). When I started this, I made a conscious decision not to let anyone who may read this blog know who I am. Already there are people that I would like to get to know better, that I would like to talk to on MSN etc, but that would then mean that I would lose the anonymity, which is the reason that I started this in the first place.
So basically, I blog anonymously because I want to be able to write with the honesty that I could in a private diary, but whilst still being able to receive feedback, and discuss my thoughts with people.
I wanted to change my blog to wordpress, as it seems that is better and has some cool little features that I like the look of (can you tell I am really knowledgable about blogging and blog sites?!), but unfortunately somebody else already has the nickname bippidee, and due to a complete lack of imagination on my part this is causing a problem. I could have bippidee as the blog address, just not my nickname. But I can't think of another nickname. Suggestions are welcome.
A thoroughly boring entry, but something I have been thinking about, and questioning, so decided to write!
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago