So. The good news is I have lost 2lbs over the last few days on the feeling too shit to move diet. This is despite my mother bringing me food at every available opportunity (generally chocolate). Result. I should perhaps market the diet. 'Guaranteed weight loss. Side effects may include complete loss of concentration and interest in anything, including personal hygeine, friends, and all other aspects of your life. May result in suicide.' Think people would go for it?
The bad news is I still feel like shit basically. The suicidal thoughts are getting more and more overwhelming, and I am well into the planning stages. Unfortunately my dad has to go into hospital for an operation on monday, which means he will be home the rest of the week, which is kind of ruining the planning a bit. It basically makes it either monday, or means I have to be alive for another week. Being alive for another week is feeling pretty impossible right now, but I am trying. Am in that slightly strange place where you desperately want to die, and genuinely feel suicide is the right, and sensible option, and yet part of you is telling you that you probably need to get help for these thoughts. I keep telling that part to fuck off. To be honest, there isn't really anything anybody can do anyway. Nobody can take these feelings away. Nobody can stop me from wanting to kill myself. Nobody could even say that I wasn't thinking rationally, because I am being perfectly logical about it all, and have weighed up living vs dying. I just wish people would let me go. I wish I could do this without hurting my family and friends. Whilst I know that in the long term they would be far better off without me, I know that it would hurt them now, and I hate upsetting people. People often think that suicide is selfish, but I don't think it is. You have to be really very desperate to feel like suicide is the right answer, and if you have reached that point of complete and utter despair then why is it more selfish of you to kill yourself, than the people around you to keep you alive? Answers on a postcard....
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago