Hmmm. Things aren't going too well. I would say for maybe the last 5 or 6 days things have definitely been sliding. Up until then I wasn't feeling too good, and I was having quite a lot of suicidal thoughts, but I was functioning. I was getting up and getting dressed, and making an effort to be around people, and things like that. Since then I have been leaving my room less and less, to the point where I am really only getting out of bed to go to the toilet. My hygeine has been shit - when I feel bad I just give up on showering and getting dressed, because I am not going to leave my bed, so there seems no point, and I have no motivation. I showered and washed my hair this evening because my mum absolutely insisted, and I realised that was the first time for 6 days. I am disgusting. My sleep is atrocious. I have been getting to sleep between 4 and 6am most days, and then sleeping until 2 or 3pm, and waking up still absolutely exhausted. Today I woke up at half 2, and then fell asleep again at 6 and was asleep until my phone rang and woke me an hour or so later. I think my appetite has decreased a little too, but I am certainly not going to complain about that. I am back to doing rather a lot of staring at walls. Just lying there staring, because I can't seem to do anything else with myself. I can't seem to read again - it is just holding no interest for me, and I don't have the concentration. I did manage to watch the high quality TV programme that is Neighbours earlier today, and dithered on Facebook for a while, but that is literally all I have done.
The suicidal thoughts are getting more intense too. There is a little voice in my head (my own I should point out) telling me to kill myself all of the time. Overdose. Go on. Do it. What are you waiting for? You are a waste of space. You don't deserve to be here. Everyone will be better off without you. Hang yourself. Go on. Get on with it. Useless. Loser. You're pathetic. Nobody likes you.
And sometimes I see it all happening in my head. Like you do a dream, but I am awake. There are different versions. In some of them I die. In some of them I wake up in hospital. In some of them I end up in a psych ward. None of them are very nice. And it happens in my sleep too. And I keep thinking about my funeral. What music I would like. If anybody would even turn up apart from my family. I don't know if they would.
I am kind of relieved I am seeing L tomorrow. I am really hoping that talking everything through will help. It needs to. Something needs to anyway, and I can't think what else might.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago