4:45PM My weight was down again today. By 1.6lbs from yesterday. That is 2.6lbs in 2 days. It made me happy. I know I can't have lost over 2 and a half lbs of fat in that time, but weight loss is weight loss - I don't care what it is. Hungry, very hungry, but it is ok, I can fight that. I want the numbers to go down again tomorrow. And if that means being really hungry then I just have to deal with that. Keep reminding myself of weight loss slogans. 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels'. True. This is true. It whirrs around in my brain every time I want something to eat. Chocolate. I really want chocolate. But it will make my weight go up and that is not acceptable. It has to go down. It was so good earlier seeing the number on the scales lower than I expected. So exciting. I need that again tomorrow. So no chocolate. No anything yet. I can have something in a couple of hours. I wish I wasn't hungry. So much easier to lose weight without the hunger. I have been taking the Hoodia I bought a couple of months ago today and yesterday but it does nothing at all to relieve the hunger. It does not work. Rubbish stuff. But I will keep taking it in case.
I am scared about Easter. I feel so torn by it. There will be lots of chocolate, and I love chocolate. But I am terrified of it because it will make me gain weight. I don't want any chocolate, but at the same time I want loads of it. It makes me feel powerless. I can't not eat it, because I can't do that. But I can't gain weight from it. I can't. I am thinking I will only be able to eat any chocolate when I am on my own so that I can purge afterwards. Ok, it won't get rid of all the calories, but it has got to be the best all round solution I think. I hate times of the year with lots of food. Christmas, Birthdays, Easter. Anything like that. And yet I love them. Because I am actually very greedy, and I want all the food. Loads of it. The more the better. Especially if it is cake or chocolate or sweets. But it makes me feel powerless and out of control, and that scares me. I would feel completely cheated and pissed off if I didn't get an Easter Egg, and yet having one will cause me so much anguish. I was in Co-op earlier, buying my Easter Eggs for other people. And I nearly caved and bought myself bags of Mini Eggs because they were on offer. I love Mini Eggs. And then I saw Creme Eggs on offer. I love Creme Eggs. And you can only get them at Easter so I feel like I need them. I wanted them so much. But I didn't buy them. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels, right?
I saw N earlier. She took me to the shops to buy my Easter Eggs for people. She is leaving in May. Although she works at my CMHT, she is actually employed by MIND, and was only on a 1 year contract, which she was hoping would be renewed, but there is no funding available. So no more Support Worker come May. Got to love the way the Mental Health system works. Decide someone has a need, provide them with the service, realise they can't afford the service, so take it away and ignore the need. This has happened to me before, under a different Trust. They seem to think that Support Workers are disposable, and so if funding is low they get the chop.
Still feeling much the same. Still having the same thoughts. Still having the little visions of me attempting to kill myself running through my head. Feel completely exhausted. Hate having to fight with myself like this constantly. There is no break from it whatever I do, because it is in my head, and I can't get away from my own head. Even in my sleep it is there. And my sleep is shit, even when I eventually manage to get to sleep. I just want it all to stop. Why does it have to be so hard? Being alive just shouldn't be this painful.
6:30PM The hunger has dissipated a lot. The arguments have started. I won’t have pasta for dinner, therefore I am the most impossible person to deal with, and why won’t I just eat normally etc etc. When I eat ‘normally’ I gain weight. I don’t restrict for fun. I do it because it is the only way I can lose weight. She doesn’t understand because she can eat like a pig and still be thin. I can’t do that. I wish I could. I really, really wish I could. But it doesn’t work like that for me. I hate the way she has to judge and comment on everything I eat, it really winds me up.
My relationship with my Mum is so strained at the moment. It is very rare that we are able to have a conversation without it turning into an argument. Everything I do is wrong. I am always lazy, or not making an effort, or selfish, or horrible, or being ridiculous. I find her so difficult to live with, and even be around. It is so much easier when I am on my own. She is off work for the next 2 and a half weeks, and I am dreading it. It will be a nonstop series of fights over what I eat, what I do, when I sleep. And when there are people around I have to pretend everything is fine, and that is so tiring. I just need a break from everything.
8:50PM Frustrated. I had some food about an hour ago, and I am more hungry now than before I ate. Diet coke time...
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago