I feel like a failure. In so many ways.
People say I am doing well because I am still here etc, but to me it feels like I am failing. I don't want to be alive, and I am, therefore I am failing. I know we live in a society where suicide is seen as a bad thing (well actually, that probably applies to most societies to be fair, but that is besides the point) and selfish, and that it is therefore a good thing to stay alive even if you feel like shit etc, but it doesn't feel like a good thing to me.
I feel like people think I am an attention seeker, or crying wolf, because I talk about feeling suicidal and how I am going to kill myself, and then don't act on it. But when I say it it is because that is how I am really feeling at the time - I am not saying it for effect or anything. I have never said I am planning to kill myself unless I genuinely am. I feel like people now assume that I am not actually going to go through with it when I say I am feeling suicidal, and when I feeling this bad it is hard to feel that. I don't want to say I don't feel like I am being taken seriously, because it isn't that as such, for instance I know that L does know how bad I feel. But when I am feeling really terrible and really feel like I am going to act on these thoughts I find it hard to think that everyone just kind of thinks I will be ok and get through it. Because sometimes I can't.
I feel like a failure for my weight. For having let myself gain so much. For not having the will power to lose it.
I feel like a failure for not achieving anything in my life. When I speak to people I haven't spoken to for a long time I feel ashamed of myself when they ask me what I have been doing. I have accomplished nothing since my A levels, and that was quite a few years ago now. People I haven't been in touch with for a long time expect me to have been to drama school. I haven't. Because I can't even cope with getting out of bed every day, let alone doing 50+ hours a week at drama school.
I feel like a failure for not being a better friend. For not being able to support my friends better when they are struggling. I try, I really do, but sometimes when I am doing badly I just can't cope with it.
I feel like a failure as a daughter. For having done nothing to make my parents proud of me. For seeming ungrateful and lazy and uncaring. I'm not really. I try, but it is so difficult living with feeling like this all the time. I love them very much. But part of me wants to push them away so they will be less hurt when I kill myself.
I feel like a failure for having been unable to do so many things I have planned or intended to do. For having dropped out of things I have started because I haven't been able to cope.
I feel completely and utterly worthless.
And that is why I shouldn't be here. Why I should kill myself. And why I am a failure for not having done so already.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago