I am making a cake. For Mother's Day. A chocolate cake. When I say making, that might be a tiny bit misleading. I cheated. I bought one of those Betty Crocker Devil's Food Cake mixes. I should have made it from scratch, I know. But the thing is I am a perfectionist. And cakes frustrate me. Sometimes I have made delicious chocolate cakes that have been very very moist and lovely. But sometimes they just end up a bit dry. From exactly the same recipe. The unpredictability frustrates me. So I bought a mix. I have used this mix before, several times, and the cake has always been to die for, and I wanted the cake to be perfect. It is in the oven at the moment. I hope it will be perfect. I did not buy the icing though. I will make the icing. 2 colours. Normal icing will go in the middle and be used for the piping (yeah.. that bit is worrying me too). Chocolate icing will go on the top and sides. Buttercream. Yummy! And then I bought Cadbury buttons, and Milkybar buttons to put around the piping. Alternate. I may even attempt to write on it if I am feeling really adventurous. I want it to look very pretty.
There is of course an obvious problem with this cake. I adore cake. I will eat at least half of this cake, and then bemoan my weight gain. Which is still continuining by the way. Passed 9 stone today. I cried. Then started making a cake. I know this is a stupid thing to do. But I wanted to do something for my mum, and we love cake. I have still been doing the food diary. I might stop though. I find it distressing when in the evening I look at what I have eaten that day and think it has been enough to lose, or at least just maintain, and then when I wake up the next day I have gained. I basically seem unable to eat more than 1000kcals without gaining.
I have been feeling really shit. Very suicidal. Lots of difficult thoughts. Very much back into planning again. Right now I couldn't say whether I will act on it or not. If I do it won't be in the next couple of days anyway, they are impractical for various reasons. But I am finding it harder and harder to keep going.
If my cake looks good I shall take photos and post them later. If there are no photos then it has all gone disastrously wrong. Or I have forgotten to take photos.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago