I went to see L after all. I had an email from her this morning - she didn't try to persuade me to go, but she was very supportive, and although I still wasn't sure about going and felt quite uncomfortable (plus embarassed for having said I wasn't going to go), I did make myself. She was pretty suprised - she hadn't thought I would. We talked a bit about what was behind me not wanting to go, and what to do in the future if I felt like that again etc.
We talked briefly about food etc. She had asked me to start doing the dreaded food diary again, so I did yesterday. I didn't eat that much yesterday - I think a combination of not being hungry because I felt so shit, and intentionally restricting. It resulted in my weight being down 1lb from yesterday, which I was naturally pleased about. I hate that I can be so controlled by my weight though, and that it can have such an enormous impact on me. And I hate that I see restricting as a good thing. L commented on how little I had eaten yesterday, and for a second this little spark of pride shot through me. Which is bad. She wasn't meaning it as a compliment.
I am really hungry now as I haven't eaten yet today, but I don't want to. I desperately want my weight to go down again tomorrow. I know I am just using food as a coping mechanism etc, and it is bad, but if I can get my weight going down it just might make me feel slightly better, and the only way I can do that is by restricting.
Apart from that we mostly just chatted really. When I am feeling so bad I get quite irrational about things, so there isn't much point trying to go into anything too deep. She knows the suicidal thoughts are there etc, but we have talked about them a lot in the past, so there didn't really seem much point in going over it much. As I said yesterday, there is nothing she can do about it anyway.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago