Saturday, 27 March 2010

GP appointment

I didn't really manage to talk to my GP about how I was feeling. I did kind of mean to, but at the same time I really didn't see the point. She can't alter my medications - only my psychiatrist is allowed to do that, and L has already said she is going to talk to my psychiatrist about putting me back on anti depressants, it was just unfortunate that my psych was off this week and so it will probably end up being another month before I get to see her.

Anyway, back to the appointment with Dr O. So yes, she can't change my meds, and there isn't a lot else she (or anyone else) can do, so it didn't seem like there was much point telling her how I feel. But I did intend to try. But she started talking about how she really thought I should stop the Diazepam (ongoing theme), and so we ended up talking about that. I said that there have been quite a few times when Diazepam has stopped me from self harming or overdosing - when I have been really desperate and upset and really in a mess, sometimes taking a couple of Diazepam has taken the edge off enough to stop me from hurting myself. And I don't know what would happen at these times if I didn't have that. She said maybe replacing it with something less toxic (her word, not mine) would be a good idea, and asked if the physical symptoms of anxiety or the thoughts were worse - I said definitely the thoughts, as I don't get loads in the way of physical symptoms, and those I do get I could live with if it wasn't for the thoughts. She was clearly hoping I would answer the other way around, as she said it can be difficult to tell them apart. I asked what she was thinking of and she said Propranolol as it would apparently help with the physical symptoms and then I could cope with the thoughts, as she thinks Diazepam is just covering up the thoughts and is like putting a blanket over things. I said that is exactly WHY I take the Diazepam - because it does that. There is no way I am swapping Diazepam for Propranolol, that would be a shit exchange. I then got a bit upset and started crying because I said that so far stopping medications had been a shit idea and made everything worse. She (who was very strongly in favour of me stopping my medications) said that she didn't think it had made things worse. I said my mood was lower, she said she didn't think it was. I said that I thought it was, and that L thought that from a clinical symptoms point of view I was worse. She said my mood hadn't seemed much lower to her. It kind of irritates me when professionals contradict you like this. I live with my mood - I know if it is lower or not. And she sees me for half an hour a month - L sees me for an hour and a half a week. If someone is going to notice, it is surely more likely to be L, since she spends about 12 times more time with me than Dr O does?

I also said that stopping the Trytophan was the most enormous mistake as since then I have gained 22lbs and hate myself, and can't stop thinking about my weight and that it makes me feel suicidal, and also that I have started purging again (albeit not often) since I stopped it, and didn't do it the whole time I was on it. She said that maybe restarting that if I really felt it had helped wouldn't be such a bad thing, and that she would write to Dr E about that and the Diazepam. She then said maybe I could have the Tryptophan back if they stopped the Diazepam, so that if they were taking away something I felt helped, then I would be getting something else that I felt helped. She went on to say she wasn't bartering, and I said it sure as hell sounded like it. There is no way Dr E will prescribe me the Tryptophan anyway - she was not budging an inch when I talked about it with her last time. I asked Dr O to give it to me today, because I know there is no way Dr E will, but she said it wasn't her decision.

I do like my GP, and we get on well, and she always spends a long time talking to me etc, but she always seems very anti psychiatric drugs (I did mention that she was being very anti-psychiatry when she was going on about the Diazepam - she laughed and said not to tell the CMHT) and that does kind of bother me. I know people seem to have an obsession with stopping the Diazepam (Dr E wants to as well), but I don't understand why they want to take away something that helps me. I know they don't want me to get addicted to it, but I am very good with it and I only take it when I need it. It also irritates me that one of their problems with me taking it seems to be my age - both Dr E and Dr O have said they don't like people my age being on Diazepam. I don't get that. Age seems irrelevant. If it helps me why does it matter that I am 23? Why would they be more willing to prescribe it if I was 63?

I am still feeling really bad. Strong suicidal thoughts. As usual exacerbated by how I feel about my body and weight. I just want to make everything stop. I don't feel like I have any energy or fight left. I feel so exhausted. And I hate that there is nothing anyone can do. It leads me back to feeling like the only viable option is suicide. Maybe it is.


  1. I took Diazepam some when I was your age. My Psych. was reluctant also. He said it clearly lowers ones preformance. I was in college at the time. He said I wouldn't be able to be as clear on it. So maybe that's part of the age thing. Sounds like you just take it when you're really in a bad place though. I wanted to take it so I could avoid anxiety during tests.

    Maybe they want you to come up with a better way to deal with your down times behaviorally than medicating. I've crossed paths with so many many people in treatment who battle with Diazapam addiction issues. Maybe they want to help you avoid further battles. I'm thankful every day that I don't battle with the drug and alcohol issues because I don't think I could survive it on top of what I already deal with.

    Or maybe they don't know what the f*&^ they're dealing with, right? Maybe they've never felt and thought as darkly as we know we do. Sounds like it was hard for you to get her to listen today. You do know you best. Be confident in that.

  2. You are right - I suspect it is largely to do with finding alternatives to medicating when I feel bad. I doubt it is to do with the first thing you said as I am not in education or work (because of my MH problems) so it would seem rather irrelevant. But I know many people do get addicted to Diazepam, and whilst I am definitely not physically addicted to it, psychologically I am reliant on it. Which is not a good thing. But I feel like there are lots of things that are more of a problem for me than feeling like I need Diazepam you know? For instance if I didn't have periods where I felt completely out of control and suicidal and desperate I wouldn't need Diazepam, so I feel like it is more important to try and get rid of those times than it is to stop the Diazepam. If I am still feeling like that and don't have the safety net that Diazepam provides for me, then I am far more likely to end up acting on these feelings. Maybe I am just desperately trying to justify it because I am scared of not having it. Or maybe I am right. I don't know. Perhaps a little of both.

  3. People are so, so scared of their patients becoming addicted to the pams. I had to literally beg my pdoc to give me 20 for a month because I couldn't stand to be at work without making myself sick due to the anxiety I was suffering. 20 .25 clonazapam. They don't do shit, but I guess they act like a security blanket. I feel like there is something there for me if things go really bad and I can take a few.

    Luckly, I only see one doctor. I can't imagine telling your story over again to another doctor on a monthly basis, especially if she seems to contradict the other. Surely your pdoc has the knowledge of a GP?

    Feel better. :(

  4. Sorry it didn't go well. Have you ever asked L to talk to your GP? or maybe go along with you?

  5. The whole "...not at your age" thing pisses me right off. I never get it from my normal GP, but I frequently do from the others. What's the rationale? If I need it, then I do. It doesn't matter if I'm five or 95. Twats.

    I'm so sorry that things are still rough for you hun. Remember you can email me if you need to. Big hugs xxx

  6. Hey,

    I have been reading your blog for a while but not sure if I've left a message or not before.

    I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I could relate to a lot of what you wrote.

    I completely agree with the whole thing of your GP disagreeing with you about your mood. It frustrates me when professionals do that because as you say, it is you that lives with your mood. I am very good at putting on a mask, I don't even do it intentionally which is hard because then professionals can't see my mood but I don't know how to take off the mask!

    Thinking of you chickadee, and hoping for a brighter day to come along for you soon.
    Ps, if you get this like 20 times I am sorry - got a dodgy net connection!

  7. Thanks for the comments.

    Bittercup, I see my GP partly to get my meds (non psych as well), and partly I suppose kind of out of habit. I used to see my old GP weekly, because I was only allowed a weeks worth of medication as I was deemed too high risk for more than that, and also because she wanted to check on me regularly and see how I was etc. Eventually that went to fortnightly, and then monthly. I now see a different GP, but she also sees me monthly - I suppose again just to keep an eye on me and see how I am doing etc, plus to get medications. I used to see my psych less regularly too. I suppose there is no real reason for me to be seeing her monthly now, as I could probably get my meds on repeat, but I am just used to it I suppose, and actually she spends longer with me than my psych does.

    Susie, it didn't go badly as such - it sounds worse than it was. We had a nice chat about her new puppy for example! There were just a couple of things that frustrated me (her contradicting me about my mood, and the Diazepam thing), and I suppose I end up writing about things that bother me more than I would about things that were just fine, like her taking my blood pressure and talking about dogs etc!

    mentalhealthserviceuser - I don't know whether you will see this or not, but I just wanted to say that I often want to comment on your blog, but I can't as it tells me I need to log in - I think you must have it set so only wordpress users can comment or something? Anyway, just thought I would tell you!

    Pandora - I did pull my GP up on the age thing, and say that I didn't see what difference it made. She went for the you have your whole life in front of you and I don't want you to become reliant on Diazepam etc - if I was old it apparently wouldn't matter! Still unsure about the logic behind that to be honest!

    Tink - hello! I like meeting new readers! I am nosy - I would love to have a comment from everyone who reads my blog, just to see how many people there are and who they are and why they read it etc. Maybe I will do a post about it one day. I have a truly excellent mask - I put it down to years of acting training. I put in Oscar worthy performances some days, shame the Academy don't get to see them really! It can be really hard to take the mask off. I find that if there is someone I really trust I am able to let it slip to some extent, but I do still end up joking about things, and laughing when I feel like crying. But for example I am far more honest and open with L (my CPN) than I am with anybody else. With her I don't do a deliberate mask thing - sometimes it is there, but I think that is more out of habit than anything else, because I trust her completely. My mask is strongest around friends/family. They are very rarely allowed to see the 'real' me. Although I sometimes wonder who that is.


  8. Hi Hun
    Sorry I didn't realise about the comments on my blog, I'll change the settings, I'd love to hear from you. I've been worried that I might have freaked you out by putting up a "Hi Bippidee" post. But from my blog stats I see that you look at my blog most days (or else someone from your blog does), and I am really pleased that my mundane ramblings are of interest to someone else.

    I've just read your last post about not being able to sleep last night. I do hope you drifted off eventually. I'm on Mirtazapine which has been a godsend to me in helping me get to sleep at night, but unfortunately the side effects of weight gain (considerable) are a real bummer. I'm hoping to come off the Mirtazapine soon but am worried that my sleep problems will come back without the Mirtazapine.

    It might be worth mentioning Mirtazapine to your doc and see what they think. You could perhaps have a low dose (apparently the sedative side effects are greater at a lower dose) just for a short time (maybe a month) to try to sort out your sleeping pattern.

    Hope you are feeling a little better when you wake up today.

    Big hugs
    MHSU xxx