I didn't really manage to talk to my GP about how I was feeling. I did kind of mean to, but at the same time I really didn't see the point. She can't alter my medications - only my psychiatrist is allowed to do that, and L has already said she is going to talk to my psychiatrist about putting me back on anti depressants, it was just unfortunate that my psych was off this week and so it will probably end up being another month before I get to see her.
Anyway, back to the appointment with Dr O. So yes, she can't change my meds, and there isn't a lot else she (or anyone else) can do, so it didn't seem like there was much point telling her how I feel. But I did intend to try. But she started talking about how she really thought I should stop the Diazepam (ongoing theme), and so we ended up talking about that. I said that there have been quite a few times when Diazepam has stopped me from self harming or overdosing - when I have been really desperate and upset and really in a mess, sometimes taking a couple of Diazepam has taken the edge off enough to stop me from hurting myself. And I don't know what would happen at these times if I didn't have that. She said maybe replacing it with something less toxic (her word, not mine) would be a good idea, and asked if the physical symptoms of anxiety or the thoughts were worse - I said definitely the thoughts, as I don't get loads in the way of physical symptoms, and those I do get I could live with if it wasn't for the thoughts. She was clearly hoping I would answer the other way around, as she said it can be difficult to tell them apart. I asked what she was thinking of and she said Propranolol as it would apparently help with the physical symptoms and then I could cope with the thoughts, as she thinks Diazepam is just covering up the thoughts and is like putting a blanket over things. I said that is exactly WHY I take the Diazepam - because it does that. There is no way I am swapping Diazepam for Propranolol, that would be a shit exchange. I then got a bit upset and started crying because I said that so far stopping medications had been a shit idea and made everything worse. She (who was very strongly in favour of me stopping my medications) said that she didn't think it had made things worse. I said my mood was lower, she said she didn't think it was. I said that I thought it was, and that L thought that from a clinical symptoms point of view I was worse. She said my mood hadn't seemed much lower to her. It kind of irritates me when professionals contradict you like this. I live with my mood - I know if it is lower or not. And she sees me for half an hour a month - L sees me for an hour and a half a week. If someone is going to notice, it is surely more likely to be L, since she spends about 12 times more time with me than Dr O does?
I also said that stopping the Trytophan was the most enormous mistake as since then I have gained 22lbs and hate myself, and can't stop thinking about my weight and that it makes me feel suicidal, and also that I have started purging again (albeit not often) since I stopped it, and didn't do it the whole time I was on it. She said that maybe restarting that if I really felt it had helped wouldn't be such a bad thing, and that she would write to Dr E about that and the Diazepam. She then said maybe I could have the Tryptophan back if they stopped the Diazepam, so that if they were taking away something I felt helped, then I would be getting something else that I felt helped. She went on to say she wasn't bartering, and I said it sure as hell sounded like it. There is no way Dr E will prescribe me the Tryptophan anyway - she was not budging an inch when I talked about it with her last time. I asked Dr O to give it to me today, because I know there is no way Dr E will, but she said it wasn't her decision.
I do like my GP, and we get on well, and she always spends a long time talking to me etc, but she always seems very anti psychiatric drugs (I did mention that she was being very anti-psychiatry when she was going on about the Diazepam - she laughed and said not to tell the CMHT) and that does kind of bother me. I know people seem to have an obsession with stopping the Diazepam (Dr E wants to as well), but I don't understand why they want to take away something that helps me. I know they don't want me to get addicted to it, but I am very good with it and I only take it when I need it. It also irritates me that one of their problems with me taking it seems to be my age - both Dr E and Dr O have said they don't like people my age being on Diazepam. I don't get that. Age seems irrelevant. If it helps me why does it matter that I am 23? Why would they be more willing to prescribe it if I was 63?
I am still feeling really bad. Strong suicidal thoughts. As usual exacerbated by how I feel about my body and weight. I just want to make everything stop. I don't feel like I have any energy or fight left. I feel so exhausted. And I hate that there is nothing anyone can do. It leads me back to feeling like the only viable option is suicide. Maybe it is.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago