Various ramblings

Supersize vs Superskinny. Why do I do it to myself? New series tonight, and naturally I had to watch. I know I find it triggering. I know that it upsets me without fail. I know the 'superskinny' people are too thin, but all I feel is jealousy. Why can't I look like that? Then I always eat when I am watching it. Oh the irony.

My weight is still a big issue. I can't stop gaining and it is terrifying me. I haven't been this heavy for a long time - I think the last time was probably in 2006. There was a time in 2008 when I wasn't much lighter than this, but I can't have got as big as this, because there were clothes that fitted me then that don't now. My wardrobe has literally been limited to 2 skirts and 1 pair of trousers (that are on the verge of being too tight) and some tops. I find this very distressing. As you would really. And I just don't know what to do about it. It sounds pathetic, but I am feeling more and more suicidal, and I know my weight is contributing to that a lot. I feel like if I don't start losing weight soon I am not going to be able to stop myself acting on the thoughts. Absolutely everything is triggering me and upsetting me. I am really desperate.

Dance has been a bit of a problem the last few weeks. Quite a few years ago I had pretty severe shin splints, and had to have a while off dancing, and couldn't jump for about a year because it would just set them off again. Even walking was really painful. They were caused by a combination of my feet rolling in and dancing on a concrete floor. I managed to get rid of them again, and corrected my rolling in. However, the last month or so I have felt my shins starting to become uncomfortable again when I jump, and by last night they were getting quite painful. I am still very aware of them today, they still feel uncomfortable. I suppose I will have to start elevating and icing them every day like I used to, but I am kind of bothered about them because I don't know what has caused them. I don't think I roll in anymore, and I dance on lovely sprung floors, so that isn't the problem. I got a bit upset last night because I was talking about it with my mum, and she asked if it could have been my weight gain that has caused them. That is very unlikely, so that isn't what upset me - it was someone else acknowledging my weight gain that upset me. I don't want people to lie to me and pretend I look the same, because I know I don't, but being asked if my weight gain could have caused a dance injury is upsetting. For the record, although I have gained a lot of weight (about 22lbs), my BMI is currently 21.1, so I am not actually overweight. I really feel it though.

I was supposed to be seeing Dr E tomorrow, but I had a call today saying that it had been cancelled as she is off ill. That's a bit of a buggar, because I am supposed to see her once a month at the moment, and it is already 2 months since I have seen her, as I was supposed to see her 1 month ago, but I rung 6 weeks to rearrange that as I couldn't get there, and I didn't get another appointment offered until the one tomorrow, which has now been cancelled, so I am hoping it isn't another 6 weeks before I get given another one. I am seeing N tomorrow, I didn't see her last week as she couldn't fit me in. I am not looking forward to that, as basically I see her to get me out the house, and I really don't want to leave the house at the moment. I don't want to have to get dressed, and I don't want anyone to see me. I just can't do this. I am seeing L on thursday, but she is seeing me at home this week as she had a course on the day I usually see her, and it is difficult for me to get there other days. I am just relieved I won't have to leave the house as much. Although I am seeing my GP friday, so I will have to go out for that. Buggar. I had forgotten about that. I just want to hide and not let anyone see me at the moment.