IF YOU ARE ONE OF MY PARENTS AND HAVE FOUND THIS SITE, PLEASE DONOTREAD ANY FURTHER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. THIS BLOG IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME, AND HELPS ME A LOT, AND I REALLY NEED YOU TO RESPECT MY PRIVACY AND STAY AWAY FROM IT.
My blog is now entirely moved over to Wordpress and I will not be writing here anymore, and will possibly close it down. I have no idea which of those of you who emailed me asking to be added to my invite only list when I was planning to stay here have yet to find my new blog, but if you haven't stumbled across it and would like the URL then please email me: bippidee at hotmail dot co dot uk, and I will email you the address. Whilst I am aware some of the anonymous commenters who left hurtful comments may find the new address anyway, I don't really want to make it too easy by posting it here for people to see; sorry for any inconvenience.
I am no longer going to be blogging here - I am making the move the WordPress. This is primarily so that I can just password protect certain posts if I feel the need to, rather than my entire blog being invite only. My Twitter and Facebook accounts will remain the same, as will my email address. I am currently finishing setting things up, and will let people know the link soon. Hopefully when I have finished setting it all up I will get back to blogging regularly, as I have found I have missed it, and I think perhaps not having that form of support contributed to a further slip in my mood, but to be honest I don't know that I could have written much anyway due to my mood. I will fill you in on what has been going on over on the new blog, hopefully later today.
I need to blog. I am finding it hard not having it as an outlet and I miss it. But right now I can't do it in public in the way I always have done, as I am too paranoid about what people are thinking of me etc, so I have made the decision to make it invitation only. I am kind of upset about this, as to me it takes away one of the core things I like about blogging - that absolutely anyone can stumble onto your blog and start reading, and I have grown close to several people through this blog, who I obviously wouldn't know at all if my blog had always been private. But for the time being that is the plan, and hopefully at some point in the future I will go back to open blogging. If you would like to continue to read then please either send me a DM on Twitter, a message on Facebook, or an email, with the email address you want me to send the invitation to. Please do not ask for an invitation if you think I am attention seeking/crying wolf/give BPD a bad name, or any of the other things I have been accused of lately - I can't think why you would be reading my blog in the first place if you feel like that, but clearly people do. Thanks.
Just wanted to let you all know I am not intending to blog for a while. I may or may come back to it, I don't know. I have met some wonderful friends through this blog who I value enormously, but I feel too much like I am being judged by what I write here to continue. I have nothing to talk about except how I feel, and that is not changing, and I can't cope with being accused of crying wolf for talking about my feelings, so I feel a break is in order. The suicidal thoughts are incredibly strong, but since I am still alive that apparently proves I am just attention seeking, and the fact that the professionals and my family know how I am feeling but don't offer any more support makes me feel like they either also think I am attention seeking, or that they have accepted my decision - it doesn't really matter which. As I have said before, I have been having trust issues for a while, and they have just been exacerbated by things that have been going on on Facebook lately in relation to this blog, and I just can't deal with it. I had been considering taking a break anyway, and events tonight have made up my mind. If I am around, those of you who want to keep in touch with me know how to. Thank you very much for all of the support over the past 15 months or so. I appreciate it enormously and wish you all the best. xxxx
I was lucky enough today to be visited by the lovely Karita. I can honestly say that she is one of the most caring, supportive people I have ever met. It was really good to have someone there, in 'real life' who I didn't need to pretend with, and who was completely non judgemental and made me feel cared about. Despite having never met her before, I felt able to be completely honest with her, which although I do when writing on this blog, I find incredibly hard to do when actually speaking to someone, but I just felt completely at ease with her. She spent hours listening to me and cuddling me and letting me cry, and just being completely wonderful. I can't say how much I appreciated her visit. Her husband, who is also lovely, drove her up here, and then left us to it for a few hours, and then I had my appointment with Dr O, which she came to with me, and then we came back home and they both came in for several hours, and left at about 9pm. They don't live close to me, and so it really did mean such a lot that they had made so much effort to come and visit me. I am always amazed that anyone could care about me at all, let alone someone who had never even met me, and had to travel hours to come and see me, just because I am struggling so much. I am immensely grateful that she did though, and just for the record, she gives great hugs! I really can't thank her enough.
My GP appointment was fairly uneventful I think. Karita may remember more if than I do - I don't have a great memory about appointments. My mum had spoken to L at some point today, and told me that L had said to ask for blood tests to be done, which she did suggest to me a couple of weeks ago, but I forgot about, and that if my GP was happy to then she could prescribe an anti depressant. How kind! I have only been saying for about nine months that I thought I was better on medication, even if it was only slightly. My GP said that since I have problems sleeping as well then Mirtazapine might be a good one. I can't remember if I actually laughed out loud at that or just in my head, but I said there was no way I was taking it, and she asked why, and I said because of the weight gain. She said that I knew too much, and that she wouldn't have told me about that. Suggestion number two was Seroxat. Since I had no actual intention of taking anything that was prescribed due to the whole suicidal thing, I did let her give me a script for that, but it is not a medication I have ever wanted to take, primarily because of the controversy over it regarding stopping taking it, and also the fact that it increases suicidal thoughts in some people. I mentioned the Panorama programme and got told off for knowing too much again. I am sure Karita won't mind me saying that my favourite part of the appointment was when Dr O was talking to her and asking where she had come from and if she worked etc, and then asked if she had taken time off work, ie meaning today to come and see me, and Karita was clearly thinking in mental health terms and replied 'no, not recently'. My second favourite bit in the appointment was after telling my GP how suicidal I was feeling, she asked what my parents were doing tomorrow, and said (quite excitedly I thought) that there was point to pointing on, and seemed to be presenting that as a reason to stay alive. My GP is sweet, she is very well meaning, and she cares, but I think Karita would probably agree that mental health is not her speciality, and she does come out with some comments that are either very random, like the point to pointing suggestion, or quite unhelpful, like trying to guilt trip me into staying alive by telling me how it would destroy people's lives if I killed myself etc. I never find comments like that at all helpful, as of course I think about it - I think about it non stop, and I hate myself for it, and I wish there was an alternative, which is why I continue to seek help even when I no longer want it for myself, but there does come a time when your pain is just too immense, and even knowing how much you will upset the people you care about just isn't enough, but I think that is probably something that is incredibly difficult for anyone to understand unless they have actually felt that level of desperation themselves. I tried to be honest with Dr O. I think I was, although I did find I was getting more and more frustrated as the appointment went on, and so remembered less and less of what was being said. She just kept telling me that I could keep going, and that I could see the nurse for blood tests next week and then her again the following week, and I was getting more and more worked up as the suicidal thoughts are just so overwhelming. She told me to book the appointments for the blood test and to see her again, and also told Karita to talk to me about things or something when we got home (I'm not really sure - I think she was telling her to persuade me not to kill myself?) and then to phone and speak to her later, but I didn't book the appointments, as it seemed entirely pointless, and I didn't phone her, as I had seen her an hour before - I had nothing else to say. She did phone and spoke to my mum, but I have no idea what was said.
The suicidal thoughts are very strong and very overwhelming. I truly wish there was a way out of all of this without hurting people, but there isn't. I can't cope, I am completely desperate, and yet again I am in the position where I am next due to see someone in nearly two week's time. I am out of options. I have told everyone how I feel. I have tried to get help, even when I haven't wanted it. I have tried to keep going. I have tried doing the things I am supposed to be doing, like going to bed early the other night, going for a walk etc etc, but I still feel the same. It was really great to see Karita - she really was an absolute star, and I love her to pieces, and all of the support I get online is invaluable, but nobody can take away the thoughts, and at times like these when I am alone with them it is just all too much. I have no hope for the future, I have no fight left in me - I have nothing but desperation.
It isn't getting any easier. Last night was horrible. I literally was unable to keep my eyes open, and fell asleep, crying because I needed to stay awake longer so that I could wait for my parents to go to bed and kill myself but just couldn't do it. I slept for a few hours, and then woke at about 2:30am I think. I was still feeling utterly exhausted, but not sleepy. I needed the toilet but I didn't have the energy to move, so I held it in for about three hours before I finally reached the point where it was moving or wetting the bed. When I woke up I was questioning whether or not it was too late in the night to go ahead with my plan. I don't do things on impulse, and I will not attempt suicide unless I think there is at least some chance of it working, and obviously the higher the better, and for my first choice plan this means leaving as much time as possible before anyone will find me. My second choice plan isn't time limited, but is very much a last resort plan as far as I am concerned. I knew that the man from the DWP could arrive any time after 9:30am, which meant that potentially I didn't have that long, or at least not in comparison to the length of time I would sometimes have, and I was yet to write the note I wanted to leave, which would have taken some time, and so ultimately I decided I couldn't do anything. I decided I would prefer to wait one or two more days and have a higher chance of it being successful. I was still very upset about it all though, and once I had woken up I couldn't get back to sleep for at least four hours. I came online and talked to Danni on Facebook chat for a long time, who was very supportive. I found I was getting increasingly worked up about everything, and so in the end decided to call out of hours, and ended up speaking to the same woman I had spoken to the previous night. She seemed different last night - I suspect she had looked at my notes and seen the BPD diagnosis, as she was certainly less supportive than she had been the night before, and started going on about doing a part time college course and moving out and various other things that feel beyond me when I am doing better, let alone at the moment, whereas the previous night she had been surprised by the lack of support and was telling me I needed to fight to get suitable help. Of course I can't prove anything, but her attitude was definitely different last night. It didn't really help talking to her, as the things she was talking about were just so far out of my realm of possibilities that it was more frustrating than anything else. After I spoke to her I came back online for a little while, but was feeling really quite upset, and decided I would go and invade my mum's bed and sleep in there, which I sometimes do when I feel shit.
Today my mum woke me up at around midday, as the DWP man arrived. It was pretty ridiculous really - he had been sent around because the Inland Revenue had a query about the amount of interest my savings account had made in 06/07. They thought it seemed too high. I said that since I have always had to send off bank statements to the DWP, they have always known how much money I have, and so I don't see how there can be a query about the interest, when they had a statement to go with it. He said it clearly hadn't been entered on the system properly or he wouldn't have been sent around. It seems ridiculous that they will send someone around about something from five years ago, that would have been unnecessary if people had done their jobs properly. He then had to go through all of his form and ask if I had had any changes in circumstances, if I was still unable to work, etc etc. I have got to dig out all of my bank statements since November '09 and send them to him - that will be a mission. He was very friendly though, not remotely confrontational or pushy, and if I hadn't been feeling so awful and exhausted it wouldn't have been remotely stressful.
This afternoon my mum dragged me (pretty much literally) out on a walk with the dog with her. I didn't want to go - I felt ridiculously tired, my head was feeling like it was going to explode, and my legs felt like lead. I can't say it was remotely enjoyable, in fact I loathed it, but at least they can't say I am not trying. She has also been making sure I have some food, although I have absolutely no appetite. I am not eating three meals a day, or anything even approaching it, but I am having something every day. The suicidal thoughts have been very intense again today. I got very upset earlier and just kept telling my mum I wanted to die. Today I felt like I reached a point where I no longer wanted help, I didn't care that L wasn't doing anything, or that I couldn't see the crisis team, or anything else. I just don't care anymore. I am too drained and too exhausted, and too sick of fighting. I have given up on trying to get help, as it clearly doesn't work, and I feel fine about that. I just don't want to be here.
Today I have felt very undecided about whether I was going to act on the thoughts tonight or not. It is actually another blogger who has made me decide not to do anything tonight. I desperately want to, but another day can't hurt right?? A couple of days ago the lovely Karita offered to come and visit me tomorrow. At the time I was planning to kill myself last night, but since I am still here today, I have decided that I can get through one more night. It amazes me how kind and caring people can be - I am so grateful to all of you out there who have been so supportive of me. It means so much. Lovely Frankie phoned earlier and we had a nice chat. I feel very lucky to have such caring people around me, albeit online rather than in person (except for tomorrow of course). I also have my GP appointment tomorrow, which again, I wasn't planning to be here for, but the combination of that and Karita visiting are making me think I must get through tonight. I know there is nothing my GP can do, and as I said, I am past the point where I want help to be honest, but she was very caring and supportive when I spoke to her yesterday, and she said repeatedly that she really wanted me to go and see her tomorrow, so I will. There really is nothing she can do - L has effectively blocked both the crisis team and hospital, and I don't even think that seeing the crisis team would be enough anymore anyway, and I don't want to be in hospital. I think this is the worst depression I have ever been in. It isn't lifting at all, and there is usually at least some part of me that wants help, but trying so hard to get it and getting nowhere has just taken the last of my fight out of me, and I have nothing left. I have been trying to do what I am told - I went to bed early last night, and it was a disaster, I went for a walk and hated it, and it exhausted me to the point that I had to go back to bed and just lie down in the dark when I got back - I didn't even have the energy to have my laptop on. At least nobody will be able to say I haven't tried everything. But I will get through tonight, and tomorrow I will spend some time with Karita, who is lovely (and I am sure spending time with friends must be another approved thing to do - they always seem to ask if I have friends I can see), and I will see my GP, and hopefully that will be the end of my involvement with any professionals. I did feel like it was unfair of me to let Karita come all this way to see me when I am such a mess and will probably be really shit company, but she has assured me that she doesn't mind. I don't care what anyone says - the internet is really really great. (Any musical theatre fans can carry on with the lyrics from there!)
I am absolutely exhausted, to the point where I don't think I can keep my eyes open any more. I got very little sleep last night, and it has been a really draining day. I feel gutted. I was really determined to kill myself tonight, but my parents will still be up for another hour/hour and a half, and I don't think I can say awake that long. I feel immensely frustrated. My GP rung me earlier, after afternoon surgery. Actually she rung the landline and spoke to my mum first, but I don't know what she said to her. Then she spoke to me and said that things were really tough at the moment weren't they, and I said yes. She said how it seemed a particularly bad period, and I said it is. I talked to her for quite a while. I got quite upset several times. She said she wanted me to go and see her Friday - I said I couldn't cope and I intended to be dead by then. She said that she had spoken to L, and L had very clearly told her not to refer me to the crisis team under any circumstances. She kept saying she really wanted to see me on Friday and we could talk about things then. I said there was no point, as there was nothing she could do, and I wanted to die today, but she said she was putting it in her diary anyway and would expect to see me. She said I sounded too exhausted to act on my thoughts. I said I was absolutely shattered but that I would find the energy. And yet now I don't seem to be able to, and it is upsetting me. I can't remember what else my GP said. She was very supportive, but it was also very clear she had been told by L not to suggest admission or crisis team input, as she responded different to how she usually would, and did make a point a couple of times of saying she had spoken to L. I said how pissed off and upset I was that I felt like I was being treated like a typical Borderline, and given no support or help, when this was quite clearly a depressive episode, and that if I didn't have a BPD diagnosis there was no way on earth that I would just be left to get on with things like this with no support, and people knowing I was planning to kill myself. She didn't disagree.
My mum then wanted to talk to me. I explained to her the same BPD/Depression frustrations, and how I don't understand why when I meet every criteria without exception for one illness, and just about manage to get the 5 criteria needed for diagnosis for the other, that is seen as my primary diagnosis and I am treated based on that. She asked to see the diagnostic criteria and printed it off and said she would call L tomorrow. I also told her how much L had changed - that she used to be really supportive and caring and how she is just totally unhelpful and I think she hates me, and I think she has been taken over or replaced or something, because it is genuinely like she is a different person - based on the way she speaks to me now compared with six months ago I wouldn't recognise her as the same person. I am worried about my mum talked to L. L can clearly force her way of thinking onto others, in the way that she has with my GP (although I believe it was somehow forced onto L in the first place, but I am not sure how) and so she will make my mum think she is right about everything. All of this was probably about a ten minute conversation and then she seemed to get bored of the wanting to talk thing and went off downstairs, and then later when I said I thought she wanted to talk, she first of all said that I wouldn't ever talk to her, then remembered I had and said that we had already talked and that she wanted to go downstairs and drink her wine. I can't trust anyone. Nobody is reliable. I was prepared to tell my mum everything, including my suicidal intent, but she was more interested in going and having a glass of wine. My GP has been restricted so she is as good as useless, as she can't even refer me to someone, and it doesn't matter how sympathetic she is, if she can't do anything it doesn't help. And L has changed beyond recognition.
I can't keep my eyes open. I suppose I am going to have to sleep. Maybe I will be able to wake up in the night. I don't know. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to get through tonight. I want to die. But it appears that my GP was right and I am too bloody exhausted to even do that. I feel thoroughly useless.
I called the out of hours number again last night. I felt awkward doing so - I didn't know what to say, and it felt wrong as I wasn't intending to kill myself then, as today was the funeral of my mum's boss who died last week, and she was obviously going to that, and I was supposed to be as well, and something about his funeral today made me feel like it would be disrespectful and unfair to try and kill myself the night before. But I got to a point where I was feeling really tense and desperate, and although I didn't plan to kill myself then, I really needed to talk to someone, so I rung them. I spoke to a different woman to the other night, but again, she was very nice. She asked what was going on, and so I told her I had been struggling a lot and that things had been bad for several weeks, but were getting even worse. She asked when I had last been seen by the CMHT, and I said that day, and she asked if plans had been put in place to support me and I said no. I said how suicidal I was feeling, and she asked if I had a plan, and I said yes, and explained about not being able to act on it that night. She asked if I had told L I had a plan and I said she hadn't asked - that she knew I was feeling suicidal but that she says it is pointless talking about suicide and there is no mileage in it. The out of hours woman sounded a bit baffled by the whole thing to be honest. She asked if I had been honest and actually told her how bad I was feeling, and not just said I was a bit low or something, and I told her I had definitely been honest, and there was nothing I had told her that I haven't told other professionals over the last few weeks. She said they couldn't just leave me like this and that I clearly needed help, and it was urgent, and that I had to try again today. She said to speak to my GP and ask for a crisis team referral at the very least, and also to make sure L knows just how bad I feel. She was very supportive, but seemed kind of bemused by the fact that I was getting no support other than fortnightly appointments.
Following that I sent L an email, saying I had spoken to out of hours, and saying I had been advised to contact GP and ask for a crisis team referral etc, and went on to tell her how strong the thoughts were etc, and the reasons why I hadn't acted on them last night, and basically everything I had spoken to the out of hours woman about. I got a reply saying it wasn't appropriate to email those thoughts and she would prefer if I rung next time. She also said that the crisis team wouldn't get involved as I have a care coordinator, which I know is not true - they might not get involved because she tells them not to, but the fact that I have a care coordinator is completely irrelevant. I replied saying that I thought perhaps the crisis team could help, and certainly if I was to try and do the things she was suggesting then it could help, and that I thought they were there for when you are in crisis regardless of whether or not you had a care coordinator. I got a reply this afternoon saying that if I needed support to do things we could discuss a support worker next time I saw her (I had said months ago that I wished I still had a support worker but she didn't mention anything about it being a possibility then) and that the crisis team do sometimes get involved when you have a care coordinator but only in certain situations. I replied that I couldn't cope, that I couldn't even put into words how desperate I was feeling, and that I know things could improve or that things might help in the future, but that right now I just can't cope, that this is as bad as I have ever felt, if not worse, and that I have kept going for as long as I can, but I didn't get a reply to that.
I tried calling my GP this morning. She was in morning surgery, which I knew she would be, but they said they would get her to phone me when she was finished. They did the usual of asking if I could say what it was about, and I said that I was suicidal and had been told to phone her - I don't usually tell them things like that but I am just totally desperate. Morning surgery finishes at 12:30pm, although she often runs over, but I still hadn't heard anything by 2pm so I rung back and asked if they had any idea what time she might be able to ring me, and they checked that the note to call me was on the system, which it was, and said she was out at the moment but shouldn't be long and they would ask her again when she got back. Afternoon surgery starts at 4pm, and I still hadn't heard anything, and it is now 5:15. I suppose there is still a small chance my GP will call me back after afternoon surgery, but I am not holding my breath, and I don't think there is much she can do anyway. I was just calling her because the out of hours woman made me promise to.
I don't know what I am supposed to do. I have done absolutely everything I have been told to do. I have been completely honest about how bad things are. I have asked for help. I have done what the woman from the out of hours number said and tried to contact my GP, and I have made sure L knows how bad things are. But I cannot get any support at all, and I can't cope. I have tried so, so hard, and it is just hopeless. It is so clear that they either don't give a shit whether I kill myself or not, or they don't believe me. But either way there is nothing more that I can do. I have spent the last three weeks desperately trying to keep going, and get some support, but I can't get anything more than a fortnightly appointment, and my mood has just been getting lower and lower, and I just can't cope. I really wish I knew what they expected me to do. I am completely exhausted, and feel utterly hopeless.
And yes, I am sure this is all self pitying drivel and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. But the fact is I have been trying incredibly hard to get the support I need to keep going, and it just isn't there for me. And I can't do this alone.
I am not sure what to say or where to start. Actually, I think I will begin by addressing the comments regarding the previous post. I was going to reply in the comments, but it would have ended up ridiculously long. Firstly, I did not intend to cause the kind of tension that I have done. As usual, I was just writing what I was thinking, because that is what I do. I should point out that the original comments I quoted in my post were not made anonymously - I just didn't name any names as I didn't wish to cause that person to receive messages from people defending me. Thank you for all of the comments, regardless of what you said. I have never tried to censor the comments I receive on my blog, or deleted comments I dislike, because I believe everyone is entitled to express their opinion. For those of you who said you don't find me self pitying, thank you. I don't mean to be. And actually I don't consider that I am particularly. Yes, I feel shit, and I will write about that, but I don't think of it in a 'poor me, I feel worse than anyone else' way in the least. I feel shit, that is a fact, and I will write about the feelings I have, because I have been told it is good for me to express how I am feeling in writing, but I don't actually feel sorry for myself - I am actually more likely to assume that things are my fault, for example that if I am not receiving as much support as I feel I need, that it is my fault for not asking properly or something. I do try and take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings when I can. But I can also see that talking about how I feel all the time can come across as self indulgent etc. But surely that is what blogs are for? This is a place for me to express how I feel and what I am thinking, and by nature that is self indulgent, but that is why this blog exists. But I do appreciate all of those of you who showed concern and cared enough to post. Lexie, thank you for your comments. I just wanted to say regarding the second, although I have a BPD diagnosis in that I meet the criteria, I have been told by multiple professionals that I am not a 'typical' Borderline - I am not attention seeking - if I wanted attention I know exactly how I could get it, and I do not do those things. This is very much a depressive episode, and L agrees with that, and I believe that overall the depression is the primary problem rather than the BPD. I am not saying anything for attention. I don't feel like I get ignored when things are going well, and in terms of treatment from professionals, I actually get less support when I am feeling like this than when I am able to work more productively towards recovery, so feeling like this is certainly not a way of trying to get attention, and is not a trait of BPD that any professional has ever claimed I display. I am not sure if there are one or two anonymous posters, so I will reply to the actual comments. First anonymous comment, I want to address a couple of points you made. You said 'This you can’t go out for a walk or eat is crap. You are fucking depressed not dying of a serious illness. You have a pair of legs, arms and the ability to get up and go for a walk.' At no point did I say I was physically unable to eat or walk. But actually, you can be stopped from doing things as a result of mental health problems just as you can be stopped from doing things as a result of physical health problems. As I explained, I have problems with anxiety, which makes going for walks very difficult. And I have an eating disorder, which makes eating regularly very difficult. You said you have been reading for a long time, but I am slightly confused by that, as several things you said would imply you know very little about me. My parents do not, to my knowledge, know about this blog. The disclaimer at the top is there in case they happen to find it. If you read back a couple of weeks you will see I talked to them about how bad I am feeling, so they are aware of that though. If you think what I write is garbage and attention seeking though, please just don't read. And please, please don't be rude to other commenters on my blog. My Black Fog is a lovely, caring person, and I thought your comments to her were rude and upsetting - she is struggling enough with her own problems, and I appreciate that she even takes the time to comment on my blog, but calling her a 'jumped up little turd' was rude and uncalled for. To both the first and second anonymous comments, hospital is not an option, because my care coordinator does not believe it is helpful. That is not my decision. I do not have the option of having myself admitted to hospital because I am feeling suicidal, as it doesn't work like that. I have told literally everyone - my GP, the crisis team when they would see me, and L how I feel. It makes no difference. For some reason I am unable to get any help. I am not writing here in the hope that someone who knows me will contact anyone on my behalf, as I have already told all the professionals involved in my care exactly how I feel, and it has made no difference. Friends have in fact offered to do so, but if the professionals aren't taking any notice of me, I very much doubt they will take any notice of my friends either. I have tried so, so hard over the last few weeks to get help, and it hasn't happened, and that has left me feeling utterly alone and hopeless. Some see that as being self pitying evidently, but I have been fighting as hard as I can, to get through the thoughts, and to speak to someone who may be able to help me, but it hasn't made any difference. But if you read my posts over the last few weeks you will see that I have tried desperately hard to get help, despite not always feeling like I want it.
If you find my writing self pitying, irritating, garbage, etc etc, I am now going to go on and write more of what you will probably consider drivel, so I would probably suggest you stop reading now.
My appointment this afternoon felt really quite hideous. I don't know what to say about it. It was much as I expected it to be really. L started by asking how I was, although obviously she knew from speaking to her yesterday that things are not good. She asked me to rate my mood from 1 - 10, which was interesting, as although many people have asked me to do that before, she never has. She said based on how I was feeling right then, if 1 was feeling normal, ok, etc, and 10 was the worst I have ever felt, how was I feeling. I said a 9 or a 10, and she said to pick one, and so I said 9, as although I was feeling hideous, there have been points in the last few days and weeks when I have felt even more desperate, so they would be the 10s. But overall I would rate this whole episode as a 10 - it is equally as bad as I have ever felt, possibly more so. She asked what I wanted, and I said not to feel like this. She agreed with that, and asked how I thought that could happen. I knew it would frustrate her so I was hesitant about answering, but I said that it felt like the only way I could stop feeling like this was by killing myself. She said that she didn't want to talk about suicidal thoughts as there was no mileage in it and it wouldn't help or get me anywhere. She said their job is not about preventing suicide, and that it is very rare they will actually take any steps to try and stop someone killing themselves, and that there was no point in talking about it. I said that I knew that, but she had asked me, and so I was just telling her my honest response. She said she is finding it difficult because she feels like I want to die more than I want to get better at the moment, which I explained is certainly true some of the time, but at other times I really want to get better but just don't feel able to. She talked again about what she had said on the phone yesterday - that I needed to get some routine in my life, and work on getting my sleep pattern sorted, and eating regularly, and finding things to occupy me and that I could look forward to. I said that I agreed I needed more structure, and that if I was in a slightly better place than I am now then I definitely think that would be the way forward, but at the moment I was finding such small things, like getting up to go to the toilet, and getting dressed, enormous mountains, that just took all my energy. I also explained that I was finding it impossible to distract myself at the moment - that I had tried everything I could think of, but nothing helped, but she said she didn't believe nothing helped. She asked if I was saying I couldn't do it, and I said that at the moment I didn't see how I could, when such small things were so exhausting, but that I could see that was what was needed. I can't remember exactly what was said - she talked a lot, but essentially what she was saying was that I needed to make a decision between doing what she was saying, and being discharged, and if I couldn't do what she was saying then she would discharge me. She sat talking about planning activities and I just had sheer panic going through my head, and I honestly don't feel able to do what I am being asked to do at the moment without any support, but I couldn't say that because it would result in me being kicked out of mental health services, which she reminded me would also mean I would no longer be on the waiting list to see the psychologist, which she thought would be a 'shame' as that could help. I found during my appointment that the suicidal thoughts were getting stronger and stronger, as I am feeling so awful, and feel desperately like I need help, but am being told that the only way I can continue to receive help (fortnightly sessions) is by doing things that I just can't do whilst I am feeling this bad. I couldn't be feeling more desperate or hopeless - I have tried so hard to get help, but it is not forthcoming, and I can't do this on my own at the moment. L spent about 45 minutes with me, rather than the hour to hour and a half that she normally spends with me, made an appointment to see me in a fortnight, and said she expected me to have made a decision and thought about what I could do by then. After feeling very numb and blank all session, I burst into tears at the end, and she opened the door and said goodbye. I went and sat in the most private place in the waiting room, where nobody would see me, and just cried for a while, as I couldn't face leaving the building so upset, and I was just feeling so desperate. I have tried so hard to get help, as I really feel like that is the only way I can get through this, but it hasn't worked. I genuinely do understand what she is saying I need to do, but I do not understand how she is expecting me to do it, feeling like this, with no help or support. If she had said I needed to do that, helped me come up with exactly what I needed to do, and arranged some type of support to help me do it, for example seeing the crisis team for a little while to help get things on track, then that would have been an entirely different matter. But just to be told I have to structure my days, on my own, with no help, and with no support for another two weeks, when I am feeling so exhausted and depressed that just getting out of bed is an immense struggle just feels impossible. To be honest I wish that I had listened to my instincts yesterday and not gone to the appointment today. I didn't think it could make me feel worse or more desperate, but it has.
So I have my appointment with L later. I am not feeling remotely positive about it. I can't see an outcome that could improve things or make me feel any more positive about anything. I feel like it is going to be a difficult appointment for both of us - she is going to be frustrated by me because I don't feel able to do simple things like get dressed and go out for walks daily, and eat regular meals, and improve my sleep, and I am going to feel useless because I can't do any of those things, and frustrated with myself for being so pathetic, and with her for not being able to do more, which I know is unfair, but I just feel so horrible. I seriously considered not going to the appointment. Not just not turning up, because I don't do that, but cancelling - I am not sure whether for her sake or mine, or both. I did actually send her an email in the afternoon to that effect, saying that I was concerned it would be frustrating as she would want me to do things that I don't feel able to do, and I didn't want to make things tense, or to frustrate her, or make me feel worse. She replied that she thought we should talk about the options, and so would be happier if I kept the appointment, so I will go. I am worried, and I think not without reason, that she is going to stop seeing me. She talked last time about how if I am feeling this bad she obviously isn't helping, and maybe she is either taking a wrong approach, or she is the wrong person to be working with me at the moment. I have a strong suspicion that she may suggest we either take a break from sessions, or that she will pass me to another member of the team. I know I must be immensely frustrating at the moment, and based on the last time I saw her I just wouldn't be surprised if something like that happens. I will just have to see what happens I suppose, but I really won't be shocked if something along those lines does come up, particularly given what she said about talking about the options, as I am unsure as to what else she could mean by that. I feel like I am letting her down at the moment by not being able to do the things she wants me to.
It has been yet another difficult night. It begun by me getting a bit upset by some comments I received regarding this blog. I was told amongst other things "Sorry Bip but your self-pity and self indulgence is starting to grate. And, 'Madospherites', i do know what I'm talking about (more than most of you cyan imagine) don't come back at me with self-indulgent drivel." I was quite hurt to be honest. I suppose it touched too close to home to what I worry people will think of me, and what I think the professionals might be thinking of me. The thing with this blog is that although I do really appreciate all of the comments and support I receive through it, I write it for me. I write it because I am encouraged to write about my feelings and thoughts, as it helps me, and I like using blogging to do that because it allows me to connect with others. I don't write in order to garner sympathy or pity. I write whatever I am thinking at the time. But to be honest this has made me consider taking a blogging hiatus, at least whilst this particularly bad episode persists. Although I would continue to write, as I need to do that for me, I may not publish anything for a while, although I will see how I feel. I never wanted my blog to turn into one long moan, and essentially it has, and I don't want people to think of me as a continuously negative person who just whines non stop. I do not want people to reassure me regarding this because they don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me how dull and whiny I am, I honestly don't. So I am considering a blogging break. I will post later to say what happens with L, but I will see how I feel after that. If I continue to write, and you do think I am whiny and need to get over myself, please just stop reading. I don't want anyone to read out of a sense of obligation. If you are a friend and feel like you should read so you know what is going on in my life, but find my writing grates, then just stop - I honestly don't mind. This is primarily for me, and whilst I have met some fantastic people through this blog, who I now consider friends, I don't want anyone to read if they don't want to.
I really am fully aware that I am difficult and frustrating at the moment, probably to professionals and friends alike. I appear to be in an incredibly deep depression, that is certainly amongst the worst I have ever experienced, if not the worst, and despite time passing, it isn't easing at all. If anything, I seem to be feeling increasingly hopeless. I suppose it could be seen as fortunate that things have been as bad as they have. I have had so little energy and felt so terrible that the vast majority of my time seems to be spent either asleep (although I am not getting much sleep), just lying in bed feeling paralysed and so completely unable to do anything, or just somehow disappearing without me even really realising it - I suppose through dissociation. It literally sometimes takes me an hour or two to manage to get myself out of bed when I need the toilet (although I was also told "No-one is literally unable to get out of bed unless they are physically disabled"). I have no appetite most of the time, although I am forcing myself to eat anyway, although not regularly. To be honest, I feel almost certain that if I had slightly more energy I would have attempted to kill myself by now, but despite the thoughts constantly churning around in my head, I just feel too exhausted to act on them. It always strikes me as somewhat ironic that you can be too depressed to kill yourself. Plus I have genuinely been trying to get by for the sake of those who care about me, despite not wanting to, and so I have been putting whatever energy I have been able to find into asking for help when I feel like I need it, although it has proven to be fairly futile on the whole, writing here to try and clear my head, and trying not to cut myself off from people completely, which is certainly tempting when I feel like this. I have been making a lot of effort, although it evidently doesn't appear that way to some people, but I know how I feel, I know the thoughts I am having to contend with on a daily basis, and I know how desperate I am, and how strongly I feel I don't want to be here, and although that may mean I am coming across as self pitying and self indulgent, (and perhaps I am these things) I am doing absolutely everything I feel able to do at the moment. I am still alive, and although I think that is largely due to the extent of my depression, I suppose I have to view it as an achievement, despite it not feeling like one.
So where from here? I don't know right now. I suppose I go to my appointment this afternoon with L, and try to be honest about my feelings, despite knowing it isn't what she wants to hear. And then, who knows? I will blog following my appointment, which to be perfectly honest I am already dreading, and after that I will make a decision about whether I want to continue to blog at the moment or not. And life generally I guess. Que sera, sera.
I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse.
If you know me in real life, then please respect my wish for anonymity here.
You are welcome to add me on Facebook - I am on there as Bippidee Mentalist, and on Twitter as bippidee86.