Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Horrible day

I called the out of hours number again last night. I felt awkward doing so - I didn't know what to say, and it felt wrong as I wasn't intending to kill myself then, as today was the funeral of my mum's boss who died last week, and she was obviously going to that, and I was supposed to be as well, and something about his funeral today made me feel like it would be disrespectful and unfair to try and kill myself the night before. But I got to a point where I was feeling really tense and desperate, and although I didn't plan to kill myself then, I really needed to talk to someone, so I rung them. I spoke to a different woman to the other night, but again, she was very nice. She asked what was going on, and so I told her I had been struggling a lot and that things had been bad for several weeks, but were getting even worse. She asked when I had last been seen by the CMHT, and I said that day, and she asked if plans had been put in place to support me and I said no. I said how suicidal I was feeling, and she asked if I had a plan, and I said yes, and explained about not being able to act on it that night. She asked if I had told L I had a plan and I said she hadn't asked - that she knew I was feeling suicidal but that she says it is pointless talking about suicide and there is no mileage in it. The out of hours woman sounded a bit baffled by the whole thing to be honest. She asked if I had been honest and actually told her how bad I was feeling, and not just said I was a bit low or something, and I told her I had definitely been honest, and there was nothing I had told her that I haven't told other professionals over the last few weeks. She said they couldn't just leave me like this and that I clearly needed help, and it was urgent, and that I had to try again today. She said to speak to my GP and ask for a crisis team referral at the very least, and also to make sure L knows just how bad I feel. She was very supportive, but seemed kind of bemused by the fact that I was getting no support other than fortnightly appointments.

Following that I sent L an email, saying I had spoken to out of hours, and saying I had been advised to contact GP and ask for a crisis team referral etc, and went on to tell her how strong the thoughts were etc, and the reasons why I hadn't acted on them last night, and basically everything I had spoken to the out of hours woman about. I got a reply saying it wasn't appropriate to email those thoughts and she would prefer if I rung next time. She also said that the crisis team wouldn't get involved as I have a care coordinator, which I know is not true - they might not get involved because she tells them not to, but the fact that I have a care coordinator is completely irrelevant. I replied saying that I thought perhaps the crisis team could help, and certainly if I was to try and do the things she was suggesting then it could help, and that I thought they were there for when you are in crisis regardless of whether or not you had a care coordinator. I got a reply this afternoon saying that if I needed support to do things we could discuss a support worker next time I saw her (I had said months ago that I wished I still had a support worker but she didn't mention anything about it being a possibility then) and that the crisis team do sometimes get involved when you have a care coordinator but only in certain situations. I replied that I couldn't cope, that I couldn't even put into words how desperate I was feeling, and that I know things could improve or that things might help in the future, but that right now I just can't cope, that this is as bad as I have ever felt, if not worse, and that I have kept going for as long as I can, but I didn't get a reply to that.

I tried calling my GP this morning. She was in morning surgery, which I knew she would be, but they said they would get her to phone me when she was finished. They did the usual of asking if I could say what it was about, and I said that I was suicidal and had been told to phone her - I don't usually tell them things like that but I am just totally desperate. Morning surgery finishes at 12:30pm, although she often runs over, but I still hadn't heard anything by 2pm so I rung back and asked if they had any idea what time she might be able to ring me, and they checked that the note to call me was on the system, which it was, and said she was out at the moment but shouldn't be long and they would ask her again when she got back. Afternoon surgery starts at 4pm, and I still hadn't heard anything, and it is now 5:15. I suppose there is still a small chance my GP will call me back after afternoon surgery, but I am not holding my breath, and I don't think there is much she can do anyway. I was just calling her because the out of hours woman made me promise to.

I don't know what I am supposed to do. I have done absolutely everything I have been told to do. I have been completely honest about how bad things are. I have asked for help. I have done what the woman from the out of hours number said and tried to contact my GP, and I have made sure L knows how bad things are. But I cannot get any support at all, and I can't cope. I have tried so, so hard, and it is just hopeless. It is so clear that they either don't give a shit whether I kill myself or not, or they don't believe me. But either way there is nothing more that I can do. I have spent the last three weeks desperately trying to keep going, and get some support, but I can't get anything more than a fortnightly appointment, and my mood has just been getting lower and lower, and I just can't cope. I really wish I knew what they expected me to do. I am completely exhausted, and feel utterly hopeless.

And yes, I am sure this is all self pitying drivel and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. But the fact is I have been trying incredibly hard to get the support I need to keep going, and it just isn't there for me. And I can't do this alone.


  1. Regarding the email thing Bip, and I don't want to blindly defend L, in the borough that I am in email is not allowed between patients and any CMHT people. I once got hold of an email address for someone high up, cause I was desperate, and I got a rather curt reply plus large bollocking from psychiatrist. It really made me feel awful but I think now that their hands are tied. My psychologist actively discourages reassuring me and that is something I feel is particularly tortuous. Maybe L is doing the same although I don't really understand why she is so official sounding about it i.e. saying there's 'no mileage' in responding to your saddest thoughts.
    I don't think you need to apologise for how you feel and what you write. Also, one last though, they do seem to be treating you as 's borderline' (how I hate that nickname). Have you told them that, that you're not feeling particularly borderline?

  2. I have always been allowed email contact with her - in fact I am encouraged to email her weekly with what I have written etc. I think that is something that is decided between CCO and patient, as I know other bloggers who have email contact too. It seems to only be suicidal thoughts that aren't allowed to be expressed via email, or in fact any other way. And yes, I have said I think this is depression, not BPD. That it is not a reactive, short term thing. And L talks about it as being a mood disorder, but then responds as though it is a typical BPD thing.

  3. I'm sorry you're still being so let down by the CMHT. I can't really think of anything to add because I'm just shocked at how little response you seem to get. Just, sorry. (hug). x

  4. Hey.... 3 try posting this lol. I feel like you are writing right from my head. Helps me a lot to know that someone else is in the same shit hole.... www.darkandconfused.com

  5. What planet is 'L' on? I just don't understand the rationale behind any of her behaviour. I'm completely baffled.

    I don't know what to say other than that. I'd like to say I really hope you feel better soon, but it just seems so inadequate seeing how truely desperate you feel.

  6. It is not appropriate to email those thoughts is that because L is ignoring you when you are ill and she does not want a trace of your distress in her email system? This woman stinks, FACT...

    You have obviously done everything today you could today as asked by the crisis team and it seems the system is constantly letting you down which is (a) typical of the NHS and (b) bloody disgraceful to allow someone like yourself to suffer as you are. yourself off to A&E to see a duty psych or crisis team person and refuse to leave without

    I can only suggest to you that you take suitable help in place(Hugs).

  7. I don't fucking get this bollocks about phones versus email. Is email 100% secure? No. But is the fucking phone? NO, of course it's not! I think she's being ridiculously unreasonable.

    Fuck them all. They are treating you like something they fucking well walked in, and they should be ashamed. It's tantamount to torture, in my view.

    Sorry, ranting doesn't help. I just feel so angry on your behalf; what more can you possibly do?! My only suggestion is to echo Ms Leftie's A&E point - it's the only thing you haven't yet tried.

    Another thing springs to mind - I know it's as expensive as hell, but could you see a private psychiatrist for an assessment and possible anti-depressant prescription? As you (and the Crisis Team?) have both recognised, medication might be helpful. If your NHS shrink won't play ball, someone else might. Even if it's only to get a second opinion on which to call her up?

    Anyway, this is useless. Just...thinking of you, hun, and hoping things improve, both in terms of how you're feeling, and in terms of the so-called care that you're receiving.

    Love Pan xxx