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Monday, 21 February 2011

Can't do it

I am feeling really shit. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't keep going on like this. I spoke to L but it didn't make me feel any better. I know that the things she is saying make sense but I can't do it. She talked about going out for walks every day and things like that. Even when I am doing better I hate walks - they really scare me as I always think I am being followed and end up having a panic attack. At the moment leaving the house for anything at all feels overwhelming, so going for a walk feels totally out of the question. She also said about eating regular meals and sorting out my sleep pattern and making sure I get up and dressed every day. I know all of this stuff makes sense. But I can't do it. Every single ounce of energy I have is going on staying alive. Getting dressed feels like the most monumental task that I can only do when I absolutely have to, ie if I am going somewhere. It leaves me feeling drained. Sorting out my sleep is so much easier said than done, and I don't actually feel will achieve anything anyway. But even days when I have to wake up in the morning for some reason, I still can't sleep until really late. My sleep quality is atrocious, and I am rarely getting more than 5 or 6 hours a night. I am constantly exhausted. I have no appetite, and although I do force myself to eat something every day, it is really hard to try and get my head around the concept of regular meals, as my eating disorder is loving the fact that I'm not hungry, and every time I have a day where I make myself eat more, I gain weight and feel even worse about myself. I know all the things she is saying I need to do are right and sensible, but I can't do it. And that probably sounds stubborn and like I am deliberately being awkward and not trying to get better, but it really isn't that. It is just too much.

My mum is out at the moment and I have spent the time googling how to tie a noose and trying to make one with a dressing gown belt. Not to kill myself right now, although that is incredibly tempting, but so that I know I can do it and it will work when I need to. I am feeling totally overwhelmed. I am due to see L tomorrow, but I actually don't want to. I keep thinking about last time I saw her. I know I must have been incredibly frustrating because I said I wanted to die more than I wanted to get better. And it all felt tense and I felt like I was wasting her time because I just wanted to die, and I left feeling even more desperate than I had when I went in. I am feeling even worse now if anything, and I think I will just end up really frustrating her, which will make me feel like shit. It feels like there are no answers to where I am right now. I don't have the energy or the motivation to do the things that will apparently help me and I can see that I will get nowhere if I don't do those things, but that doesn't help. I still can't do it. If I see her when I feel like this I am just going to be wasting her time, and feeling more and more hopeless myself. I just want to die.

9 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry things are that bad. I have been reading for a few months now and it's terrible to see things get this way for you. I have bipolar disorder so I understand (not totally as we're all different) how much of a struggle it can be to keep going. You have such immense strength and courage but I know you can't always keep fighting. Please do hang on in there. You have so many people here who are rooting for you. I'd give you some of my own strength if I could or take your pain for a day so you could rest ... Please keep fighting. x

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  2. Thank you very much for your comment. It made me cry to think that someone who I don't know can care so much. I really do appreciate it. xx

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  3. Bip, I'm so sorry, I'm in tears because I want to be able to take your pain away from you. I don't know what to say that could possibly help you, so this is a pretty useless comment, but please talk to me if you want to, I'm around, except usually in the middle of the night, But afternoons and evenings - I'm yours.

    xxx

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  4. Oh, God that comment was awful, I shouldn't have said how I feel, because I don't want you to feel guilty in any way. I just empathis with you and wish I could help.

    xxx

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  5. Thank you honey. And it wasn't awful. You have always been so supportive and it means so much to me. You are a wonderful person, and I can't tell you how mcuh I appreciate your support. xxx

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  6. *hugs* If I only I could take this away.

    Remember you are loved. That is all I can say.

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  7. That's part of the whole problem with severe depression though, that even when you know there are things you could be doing/trying you're utterly unable to do them. Did you speak to L about medication? Even if it only gave you a little lift you might then be able to do some of her suggestions. Until then, please take care x x

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  8. Hi bip, it's the anonymous commenter from a few hours ago. What you said earlier about people you don't know caring about you, well it prompted me to no longer be an anonymous. People care about you here because you can really pour your heart out and people reading are able to give time to listening/reading. It's sad 'real' life isn't always like that.
    You're an inspiring young woman. Keep yourself safe as you can, you have a huge crowd with you.

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  9. Bippidee, I'm sorry. I wish I knew the answer, but alas, I am still trying to figure that out myself. Is what you said true-- that you want to die more than you want to get better? That concerns me. I want you to know that I care a lot about you and I want to see you well. I think it will happen for you. It will take time, but you will get there.

    Hang on, Bippidee. Please.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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