I am feeling really shit. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't keep going on like this. I spoke to L but it didn't make me feel any better. I know that the things she is saying make sense but I can't do it. She talked about going out for walks every day and things like that. Even when I am doing better I hate walks - they really scare me as I always think I am being followed and end up having a panic attack. At the moment leaving the house for anything at all feels overwhelming, so going for a walk feels totally out of the question. She also said about eating regular meals and sorting out my sleep pattern and making sure I get up and dressed every day. I know all of this stuff makes sense. But I can't do it. Every single ounce of energy I have is going on staying alive. Getting dressed feels like the most monumental task that I can only do when I absolutely have to, ie if I am going somewhere. It leaves me feeling drained. Sorting out my sleep is so much easier said than done, and I don't actually feel will achieve anything anyway. But even days when I have to wake up in the morning for some reason, I still can't sleep until really late. My sleep quality is atrocious, and I am rarely getting more than 5 or 6 hours a night. I am constantly exhausted. I have no appetite, and although I do force myself to eat something every day, it is really hard to try and get my head around the concept of regular meals, as my eating disorder is loving the fact that I'm not hungry, and every time I have a day where I make myself eat more, I gain weight and feel even worse about myself. I know all the things she is saying I need to do are right and sensible, but I can't do it. And that probably sounds stubborn and like I am deliberately being awkward and not trying to get better, but it really isn't that. It is just too much.
My mum is out at the moment and I have spent the time googling how to tie a noose and trying to make one with a dressing gown belt. Not to kill myself right now, although that is incredibly tempting, but so that I know I can do it and it will work when I need to. I am feeling totally overwhelmed. I am due to see L tomorrow, but I actually don't want to. I keep thinking about last time I saw her. I know I must have been incredibly frustrating because I said I wanted to die more than I wanted to get better. And it all felt tense and I felt like I was wasting her time because I just wanted to die, and I left feeling even more desperate than I had when I went in. I am feeling even worse now if anything, and I think I will just end up really frustrating her, which will make me feel like shit. It feels like there are no answers to where I am right now. I don't have the energy or the motivation to do the things that will apparently help me and I can see that I will get nowhere if I don't do those things, but that doesn't help. I still can't do it. If I see her when I feel like this I am just going to be wasting her time, and feeling more and more hopeless myself. I just want to die.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago