Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Just stop

It is 5:15am and I am not remotely sleepy, and am feeling very tense, despite taking 10mg Diazepam. The suicidal thoughts are really in full swing, and although I am not intending to act on them tonight, it doesn't make them any weaker or easier to cope with. I think I might have to have another Diazepam, as when I feel like this my thoughts just go into overdrive and I have absolutely no chance of sleeping.

I am feeling so alone. I know I have support online, and I am truly grateful for that, but in real life I have absolutely nothing, and it is hard. Actually it is much worse than hard. I desperately feel like I need some support, but there is nowhere to turn. My GP works Wednesdays, but there is no point contacting her, as I have grasped exactly what she thinks from my mum speaking to her last week, and she has certainly been turned against me. I could phone and speak to whoever is on duty at the CMHT, but a) I don't trust that it won't be a fuckwit on duty, as there are several of them, b) they will all be against me too, and c) they will either suggest going for a walk, having a bath, or listening to music, and none of those are remotely helpful suggestions at the moment. I always find walking very anxiety provoking - I am always paranoid that someone is following me, and it really does scare me. I find baths the opposite of relaxing. I hate just lying there with my thoughts. I don't see how that is supposed to be relaxing or helpful. And I usually love music, but as I have explained on here before, I find it really difficult to listen to at the moment unless there is a particular song I need to hear - otherwise it just sounds like irritating noise that is drilling through my head, even if it is a CD I usually love. The TV is similar - I get a headache within about 5 minutes of turning it on as it just overwhelms me. And I can't concentrate to read. So essentially, anything they might suggest I do is useless, and therefore I am fucked.

I miss L. I know that sounds weird, given that she has been turned against me, and hasn't done anything to help me lately, but I do. I guess that is why attachment issues are such a bitch. Even when you know someone isn't helping, you can't get over them. I was thinking about it, and actually I don't think things have ever been quite the same with her since that time in November when I felt very let down by her. Things did get back on track and feel ok after that, but I suppose I never had quite the same level of trust in her following that, and now I feel like she doesn't care about me at all and doesn't care what happens to me, as she just left me with an appointment for a fortnight's time when she knew how awful I was feeling. And yet I still miss her. That is wrong, and it pisses me off. I am angry with myself for wanting to talk to her. I don't want to miss her. I want to be angry with her. But every time I am feeling desperate I just get this overwhelming desire to talk to her. And yet last Thursday and Friday when she was in work, and I could have rung her, I didn't because I was just too upset. I feel really confused about the whole thing. I suppose it is a bit like the situation with my mum. I still feel like she has been turned against me where my mental health is concerned, but I still love her despite that. I feel let down by her, and I feel like she either doesn't believe me, or doesn't care about me any more, in much the same way I feel about L, but she is still my mum, and I still love her. I just have to accept that I can't rely on her for support. And I suppose it would be the same with L, except our whole relationship is based on support, as that is why she is there, which makes it much more awkward, But of the CMHT she is still the only person I want to talk to. I feel lost and alone and desperate, and like the people I have relied on and trusted the most are no longer there for me. I really feel like I can't cope.

I have rehearsal again tonight. It is going to be a long one, as I have to get there an hour early to work on my solos with the musical director, and then I have the normal rehearsal, so I will be there from 6:30 until at least 10, possibly 10:30. It's all too much. I want to scream and shout and cry but I don't think that would be appreciated by my parents or my neighbours given that it is 5:30am. I just can't cope. I want out. I want to make everything stop. Just stop. Why isn't it getting any easier? Surely it should be getting easier. And it isn't. It just gets harder and harder. I don't believe that these thoughts and feelings are going to go away without me acting on them. It is too intense. And it feels like the right thing to do. I don't want to wait for them to pass. I just want to make it all stop.


  1. Oh hun, I wish I could help, It angers me that those people who are near you and who could and should be helping you are not.
    I know what you mean about it just getting harder, seems like the story of my life too.
    Take care
    Penny *hugs*

  2. blessings on your struggle with these horrible emotions. keep on bippidee

  3. I think it would be worth contacting your GP again. It sounds as though you haven't spoken to her since she spoke to your mum? and so you only have your mum's take on things. Your GP will have only been able to say a certain amount to your mum. Maybe she was trying to reassure her. From the outside it must look as though you can cope, and that will go on unless you challenge services and ask for more support if you need it x

  4. I agree with mememe..It's easy for meanings to get lost in translation. Perhaps this is what has been happening at times?
    So much time and energy I have wasted due to miscommunication and misunderstandings. In my own head I can turn a belief into a truth in a matter of seconds! Perception is a screwy thing...God knows at time I wish I was a mind-reader, it would make things a million times easier! But none of us are and it's easy to misinterpret other folks behaviour and what they say.
    People don't know what's going on for you if you don't tell them..there's a time for subtlety - and this isn't it! Sorry, I just so want you to get the help you need m'dear.
    mel xXx

  5. Keep fighting and pushing for help. Even if you don't get a response it will at least give you something practical you can do while waiting/hoping for these feelings to hopefully abate. Can you focus on trying to raise awareness on the shocking state on NHS mental health services/write letters of complaint etc. There's an expression "don't get mad, get even" - rather than them pushing you down/pushing you away/ignoring you and leaving you feeling hurt and rejected and sad - try and get even by forcing them to provide services. I know it would be difficult to do things like this when you feel awful and can't concentrate, but at least it would offer some kind of useful distraction from the thoughts/feelings. When you're sitting awake at night you could write out a timeline of everything that's happened and then look into what the e.g. Crisis Teams policies and procedures actually are and find out if they've broken their own rules in how they treated you and then look into the proper complaints procedures and put in actual complaints to the proper people (rather than the front line staff who'll just brush them away). And you never know - you may finally get through to somebody and get the help that you want. Or at least change things for the future. I don't know... I'm rambling, but from what you've written here you've been treated shockingly and it makes me so mad!
    Anyway I will keep reading.

  6. *Hugs*
    Honey, I agree with everyone. Keep fighting. Make them listen.

    I think you're right, you *should* be angry. I think anger would be healthier than where you are now.
    I promise you no-one is going to break, or reject you, if you get angry.
    I'm not suggesting you shout at your mum or L or tell them they're idiots and so on, even if they are. Let yourself be angry. Thump, squish, and scream into your pillow if you need to - pillows can take abuse :-)

    Maybe it is worth talking to your GP again? And you should definitely complain to your CMHT, but only when you feel strong enough.