Surely I will have to sleep better tonight?! I have to. I have been so exhausted and felt so dreadful today - I surely can't have another night as bad as last night??
I am feeling really hopeless. I don't understand why you are always told to tell someone if you are feeling suicidal, but then if you do then you don't get any support or help. What is the point of telling someone? I have an appointment booked with my GP tomorrow, just because I see her every month for meds etc. I don't really see the point of going. There are no meds she would give me that I could use. I don't need the usual meds if I won't be around. She wouldn't be able to help with how I am feeling now even if I told her, which I would be unlikely to do. I could tell her, but I know there is nothing she could do, and she would try and help by suggesting something I find unhelpful or unrealistic - previous examples have included going to church, learning to cross stitch, and most randomly of all, training as a DBT therapist because it sounds like a good therapy that isn't available in our area..... Also, if I ever tell her I am doing badly she tells me I have been so much better for so long, which is of course always bollocks - I just haven't bothered telling her how I have been feeling generally because I know she can't help. So I can't imagine that telling her would help anything, but I am feeling so bad that I don't know if I could fake it in the way that I usually do. And will end up feeling patronised, and hopeless that yet another professional knows how I am feeling but hasn't done anything to help, which is the inevitable outcome. So that makes me want to not go at all.
I just want to make everything stop. I want to die. Living feeling like this is not an option, and I can't get any help, despite trying. I have tried so hard. Asking L to call me today when she hadn't got back to me earlier in the week was really difficult to do, because I was already feeling really rejected and hurt by it, and even though she was nice when I spoke to her it just confirmed that I didn't matter enough for her to bother contacting me, and that despite knowing I was feeling very suicidal she didn't suggest or do anything. And I know there is a limit to what she can do, but there is also a limit to how long I can keep going like this, and nobody seems to realise that.
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It sounds like you have already decided that you're giving up on your GP and her ability to prescribe something useful. I know you've been to her before, but this time could be different if you told her the truth. The worst case scenario is that she makes a useless suggestion like cross stitching and you ignore it, but the best case scenario is that she says or does something that will change your life for the better. I know how hard it must be to muster up the energy to do this, but it's worth a try. You HAVEN'T tried everything there is. Don't give up before you've done everything you can.
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
NOS
My GP can't prescribe anything useful - my psychiatrist who I never see is the only person who is supposed to prescribe any psychiatric medications. My GP merely gives me more Diazepam when needed, and occasionally Zopiclone if I ask for it when I have been sleeping badly. She wouldn't prescribe anything new though.
ReplyDeleteI did used to tell her the truth every time I saw her, but then I got frustrated with getting suggestions I found unhelpful, so I just gave up, and stopped telling her how I was feeling, and she never seems to ask really, so it rarely comes up. She sometimes comments on how well I am doing, and I say I am not actually but there is no point talking about it, and she agrees with me. So I can tell her how I feel, but she will say it is a shame I am feeling bad again when I have been doing so well for so long, and that she hopes I feel better soon. If I say I am feeling suicidal she won't do anything, because she never has.
xxx
I think, at least for me sometimes the perspective is off- it's not them that isn't hearing us- we are having trouble hearing and believing it ourselves... but that's just me- I just had that thought yesterday. I honestly only realized that because for the last few weeks, I've been sitting here thinking...why is Nancy ( my t ) not listening or hearing me???
ReplyDeleteHang in there...see where it goes. I understand the confusion with telling people if you are suicidal or not...the predicament there. I understand not wanting to live in this hell anymore. In fact sometimes I get so confused as to why some people chose to live so long...
xoxo - hang in there
I totally understand the frustration of telling people how you are feeling and not getting any meaningful help or feeling like no one is listening. I know that it is not until things have reached a drastic level that help is offered and even then it is hit and miss. I hope you find some way to carry on and that someone really listens to what you are saying.
ReplyDeleteHugs xxxx
Life is fucking hard I know. You're not alone in your pain. You know, the pain that makes everything seem so completley dull and makes us toss and turn at night. If you're like me, you don't want to die; you simply want to live without pain. You want to feel connected and fullfilled. I think it can happen if we just hang in there. For now, try mediating and remembering that there are people out there who are struggling just as you are. YOU'RE NOT ALONE. ((hugs))
ReplyDelete-Sienna