Surely I will have to sleep better tonight?! I have to. I have been so exhausted and felt so dreadful today - I surely can't have another night as bad as last night??
I am feeling really hopeless. I don't understand why you are always told to tell someone if you are feeling suicidal, but then if you do then you don't get any support or help. What is the point of telling someone? I have an appointment booked with my GP tomorrow, just because I see her every month for meds etc. I don't really see the point of going. There are no meds she would give me that I could use. I don't need the usual meds if I won't be around. She wouldn't be able to help with how I am feeling now even if I told her, which I would be unlikely to do. I could tell her, but I know there is nothing she could do, and she would try and help by suggesting something I find unhelpful or unrealistic - previous examples have included going to church, learning to cross stitch, and most randomly of all, training as a DBT therapist because it sounds like a good therapy that isn't available in our area..... Also, if I ever tell her I am doing badly she tells me I have been so much better for so long, which is of course always bollocks - I just haven't bothered telling her how I have been feeling generally because I know she can't help. So I can't imagine that telling her would help anything, but I am feeling so bad that I don't know if I could fake it in the way that I usually do. And will end up feeling patronised, and hopeless that yet another professional knows how I am feeling but hasn't done anything to help, which is the inevitable outcome. So that makes me want to not go at all.
I just want to make everything stop. I want to die. Living feeling like this is not an option, and I can't get any help, despite trying. I have tried so hard. Asking L to call me today when she hadn't got back to me earlier in the week was really difficult to do, because I was already feeling really rejected and hurt by it, and even though she was nice when I spoke to her it just confirmed that I didn't matter enough for her to bother contacting me, and that despite knowing I was feeling very suicidal she didn't suggest or do anything. And I know there is a limit to what she can do, but there is also a limit to how long I can keep going like this, and nobody seems to realise that.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago