I suppose it must be possible to feel worse than I am, but right now I can't imagine how. I feel exhausted and desperate and alone, and I can't put into words how bad I feel. My sleep was even worse than usual. I finally managed to get to sleep about 7:30am, and slept for about an hour and a half before waking up and not being able to get back to sleep for a while. Then I kept going back to sleep, but only for about 30 or 40 minutes at a time, and then waking up and not being able to sleep again. I probably managed about 4 hours total in the end, maybe a little more, but it was so disturbed and broken, with long patches of being awake in between, and the longest I managed to sleep for without waking up was the first 90 minutes, and was then awake for quite a while before I managed to get back to sleep. So I am exhausted. I feel like complete shit.
I spoke to L a little while ago. In complete desperation at about 7:15 this morning I sent her a text asking if she could please call me at some point today. She rung about an hour ago. I am shit on the phone. Particularly when I am feeling as bad as I am at the moment, and I don't think the exhaustion is helping. I can't remember much of the conversation. I know I had difficulty forming sentences and finding the word I meant, so my part of the conversation was all very slow and confused. She asked how I was and I said bad, and she asked what I had been doing this week. I asked what day it was, and she said you tell me, and I said I honestly had no idea, I was too confused. She told me it was Thursday, and I said I had been to rehearsal twice and that was about it. I was semi crying most of the phone call. I said I couldn't keep going like this, that I felt too bad and I just couldn't cope. She asked if my mood had suddenly dropped or if it had just been getting worse and worse. I was a bit confused by this, because I had emailed her Monday morning, so surely she knew my mood was very low. I asked if she had got the email and she said that she had and that she was sorry she hadn't had time to reply. Which kind of confirmed to me that I don't really matter. She asked what I thought about what the psychologist had said, and I said I found it really hard to think about, because it just seemed such a long way ahead and I couldn't imagine being alive that far ahead and that I just couldn't think about it; that it seemed irrelevant. I said I was feeling really suicidal and that I wanted to die. She said the usual type of things - that I needed to try and find one or two things that I could do each day to give my life some structure, and that I could work on getting my sleep pattern better, and not to view suicide as an option as it wasn't helpful etc etc. I spoke to her for about 15 minutes and then she said she was going to have to go, and that she would see me Tuesday, and that she was sorry I was feeling so awful. So at least now I have spoken to her, and I know that she received and read my email and knows how I am feeling, and it doesn't seem like more support is an option. I am too exhausted to care or even really have any feelings about it.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago