Thursday, 10 February 2011

Not a life

I seem to be feeling particularly desperate and hopeless today. I think it is because my mood is not shifting at all and I know that I have literally exhausted all possible forms of support available to me. There is no point in speaking to my GP again, despite her being supportive, because all she can do is contact the crisis team, who clearly don't want to see me, or the CMHT, who already know how I feel. There is no point in contacting the CMHT, because they see me getting through the next two weeks with no support as a valid option, and I most certainly do not. There is no point in going to A&E because I would be assessed by the crisis team who, as already mentioned, clearly don't want to see me. So that's it. I have asked for help, despite not wanting it a lot of the time. I have tried. I have tried so hard. But I am still here feeling completely unsupported, and the suicidal thoughts are still just as strong. In a way I wish I had never told anyone how bad things were and tried to get help, because in a way the constant rejection when I don't get any makes it even more difficult to cope. But if I hadn't asked for help I would feel really guilty about acting on my thoughts, as perhaps someone could have done something to help me get through this, despite my feelings of not wanting to get through this. At least now I know that I have tried. I have tried every way of getting help, and I have been honest about my thoughts and feelings. I don't see what more I could have done. I feel exhausted, hopeless, and desperate. This is not a life.


  1. Keep in there hun. You had a stressful night, dont rush to any rash decisons.

    There are always more options.... admission is still something you havent tried. There must be other ways of getting your point across to your dumbass crisis team?


    Thinking of you xx

  2. Admission isn't an option to them, therefore it isn't available. And I can't even speak to the crisis team unless I have been referred to them, and they didn't take the referral yesterday. I can't keep doing this, it is just too hard.

  3. yes you had stressful night, sorry. :(

    Anyhow, dont give up you are too good a person. Look how you rallied for me. Perhps against my own judgement and it turns out pointlessly as I predicted but you cared and that means a lot.

    I would really miss you not that is a reason but I would.


  4. Sweetie,

    This is all very tough stuff. I am writing to you as a mother and a friend. The crisis team is to help people in crisis, right? I recall that they felt a lot of frustration in HOW they can help you and said that they were going around in circles. I have to say, that i felt that way too. It seems that they are damned if they do and damned if they don't, no matter what.

    I can honestly say that I understand how it looks to the professionals that are trying to help you. I think that they are doing their job, the best way they know how, and from where I'm sitting, I don't see you giving them a whole helluva lot to work with. They see that you have a lead in a big musical... and (a lot of other great things).

    I don't know what happened last night, but I have a feeling that the rehearsal didn't go too well... and honey, you have to take a good hard, honest look at the situation as a whole. Its not fair to the director and the other actors to not give 100% to the effort. If you are sick, then that is perfectly understandable. Please be gentle with yourself. Love yourself, Bippie.

    I think that you are a very beautiful girl, and must be extraordinarily talented and have so much to offer. I do believe that you are clinically depressed and the only treatment for that is medication and maybe electro shock therapy, or something like that? I don't know, but all I know is that the present status quo is NOT working. Somewhere, there needs to be a paradigm shift, and I'm afraid that if it doesn't start with you, it will be started FOR you.

    Please stop fighting the people who are trying to help you and let them help you. Otherwise, then I'm afraid the crisis team is correct in their assessment which in their eyes, is apparently, that you are exaggerating your moods and feelings to seek attention. I really don't think that you are, but I can also see how it could be misconstrued. xoxo ~ L

    PS: I'm leaving soon, but I'll be back later this evening, if you want to chat.

  5. First off,.. I really felt for you last night. You stepped up & did a wonderful thing even when you were so unwell in yourself. That took courage.
    Secondly,... I have no magic words to make things alright. At this point I just want to hop on a plane and give you massive hugs.
    PLEASE just try and get through this. I care about you. We all care about you.
    Words seem so futile,... don't know what else to say,...

  6. La Reve, please don't apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. I am not feeling like this because of last night - yes it was stressful because I was worried about you, but that isn't why I am feeling like this today. I just wanted you to be ok.

    Lexie, the rehearsal was fine, or as fine as it could be. Obviously I wasn't feeling good and wanted to get home, but I still did the best that I could. Last night was difficult because I was very concerned about La Reve, and had to go against what I wanted to do and get the police involved. But that is nothing to do with how I am feeling today. The time that the woman from the crisis team said she felt like we were going around in circles was one phone conversation when she kept repeating herself, but I wasn't sure why. I don't think it is fair to say they are damned if they do and damned if they don't - when the crisis team visited me I was honest with them about how I was feeling and I talked to them as openly as I could. It was when they let me down by doing things like saying they would phone and then not calling, saying they would arrange a psychiatrist appointment and not doing it, and then discharging me and not even bothering to tell me that I had a problem with them. Until then it was fine - I was happy with them visiting daily and I felt like it was helping me to keep going. My GP didn't understand why they had discharged me when I was clearly still in crisis, which is why she said she was going to re-refer me, but they obviously refused to accept it. I don't know how to give them more to work with than being completely honest with them, and that is what I have been doing. I don't feel like I have been fighting them - it isn't as though I have cancelled appointments or refused to engage with them, or held things back and refused to speak, and there was nothing they asked me to do that I didn't. The last I heard from them they were going to call first thing the next day, and there was no signs they felt I was being difficult or anything, and then the next thing I heard I had been discharged, which was pretty confusing to be honest. I would be interested to know in what way you think I have been fighting them, as it doesn't feel that way to me, but if it appears that way to you, then that could explain how it appears to them, and I would like to understand that. From my point of view I feel like I have been trying really hard to keep going, but that I need support to do that, and none is available.

    My Black Fog, thank you. I think I only tried to do what anyone else with the same information would have done though, and it was partially for selfish reasons.


  7. i know how you feel about crisis team and cmht things will get better in time

  8. I am so angry with that crisis team. They are jerks.


  9. From your blog I've not seen any indication that you are fighting the people trying to help you, so I'm not sure where that comment came from! I just thought maybe it would be helpful for me to say that, so you're not doubting yourself. To me, it seems like you're doing your best to stay alive even though it hurts like hell. I think that's incredibly brave, and certainly not attention seeking or melodramatic.

  10. Sorry I'm sure I didn't help with the stressful night. Ty for listening last night hun. I don't know what to know, I wish I could help .
    take care,

  11. whoops, that was meant to say 'I don't know what to say'

  12. Thank you all. Penny, it really wasn't a problem, I was happy to listen. And thank you Katie, that means a lot. xx

  13. All I can say is that I care. I sincerely do.

    Wishing you well,

  14. Oh hon. I too care. I don't think you're fighting the 'professionals' either, it sounds like they are the ones who do not want to help you. Don't know what else to say, thinking of you, as always here if you want to talk xxx

  15. I am sorry to hear you are having so much difficulty in finding the help you need. I am sure that it is very frustrating, and discouraging to be reaching out the way you are and still cannot get the proper support.