Thursday, 10 February 2011
Not a life
I seem to be feeling particularly desperate and hopeless today. I think it is because my mood is not shifting at all and I know that I have literally exhausted all possible forms of support available to me. There is no point in speaking to my GP again, despite her being supportive, because all she can do is contact the crisis team, who clearly don't want to see me, or the CMHT, who already know how I feel. There is no point in contacting the CMHT, because they see me getting through the next two weeks with no support as a valid option, and I most certainly do not. There is no point in going to A&E because I would be assessed by the crisis team who, as already mentioned, clearly don't want to see me. So that's it. I have asked for help, despite not wanting it a lot of the time. I have tried. I have tried so hard. But I am still here feeling completely unsupported, and the suicidal thoughts are still just as strong. In a way I wish I had never told anyone how bad things were and tried to get help, because in a way the constant rejection when I don't get any makes it even more difficult to cope. But if I hadn't asked for help I would feel really guilty about acting on my thoughts, as perhaps someone could have done something to help me get through this, despite my feelings of not wanting to get through this. At least now I know that I have tried. I have tried every way of getting help, and I have been honest about my thoughts and feelings. I don't see what more I could have done. I feel exhausted, hopeless, and desperate. This is not a life.